Has anyone stopped liking their parent/s?

[Inamechangedjustforthis]

My Dad has just left after visiting for a week (stays nearby, not in my home) and first the first time ever I'm really relieved. And that makes me so, so sad. I love him more than anything - he's my only really close relative, but the relentless negativity is soul crushing. He complains and grumbles about absolutely everything (yet if someone asked him if he'd had a good time on his visit, he'd tell them it was great!), and I feel like I'm constantly being reminded that I haven't achieved what he'd have wanted for me in my career (I'm a freelancer, relatively low earning but extremely happy and can work flexibly around my hobbies). It's almost like this grumpy old man persona that used to be a joke has overtaken his entire personality.

I want so much for us to have a close and happy relationship and be kind to eachother but I'm starting to dislike spending time with him.

What do I do?

So sorry, feel like that. To be honest, I'm very similar with my mum. She's always been so negative about everything!! She even came to stay with me last year and my son gave up his bed for her (to sleep on an air bed) and she moaned non stop. It was too hard, pillows weren't right, it was too warm, too cold.. Didn't just say thank you 😒 she moans about life and criticises me, my weight etc. She even left my wedding early to go watch tv in her hotel room 🙂🙂 It's very difficult because I of course love her but I'm glad not to be around her all the time. It's exhausting.

Maybe that's just the way they are? I've learnt to just ignore it and let it go. Don't take anything to heart. I don't know what else to do to be honest. It's disappointing.

Thanks for replying.

I am trying really hard not to take personally the fact he's disappointed in me because he's disappointed in absolutely everything. I manage it for a little while but then go back to trying to reframe my life/work to him in a way he might find impressive or interesting. I need to stop trying to be 'good enough'.

You don't need to try to be good enough, you ARE good enough.. and if he can't see it that's his loss.
You don't need to impress him. Tbh you could probably be a successful multi millionaire god knows what and he'd still find something to grumble about.

Are you happy with yourself, what you've achieved in life so far?

Yeah, I really am. Especially in light of the fact I've overcome some horrible stuff that I chose to keep from my family for their own sake.

I really, really enjoy my job and my mental health is the best it's ever been. I wish he could see that being happy IS success!

Next time he says anything about you not achieving what he would have wanted for you I would say.. I'm happy where I am, I'm proud of myself and what I've achieved so far. Just leave it at that.
You sound like you're doing amazing and we only get one chance at life. Live it the way you want to and be happy. That's all we can ask for.
I'm sure he is proud of you in his own way, just doesn't have the right way of showing it or communicating it. Keep doing what you're doing!

I'm happy where I am, I'm proud of myself and what I've achieved so far

Good thinking. I'll repeat it like a mantra until he shuts up.

"I don't actually WANT to" is another one I say a lot.... as in when he says, "why don't you get more work and hire people?" "why don't you start your own business" etc.

I'm 36 FGS!

Exactly 👍🏼😃

I secretly don't love my parents. I don't like them either.
My dad is an arrogant know it all bully who used to humiliate us and bash us around.
My mum is a religious fanatic who is upset that I dared to be fat
I can't get through a conversation with either of them.
The secret truth is I do want my inheritance as I think I deserve it for putting up with their shite for 50 years!

You don't have to like your parents.
You don't have to love your parents.
They are just people, for good or ill, so some will be likeable and some won't. Shared DNA makes no difference.

I don't really like either of my parents. I'm not sure if I love them. It will be a relief to me when they die, if I'm honest (both are now late 80s).

They are constantly critical of me. Nothing I ever do is good enough and they make me feel like shit every time I go round there. I've had almost 60 years of this - I'm a confident, educated, professional woman and yet 30 minutes in their company with the little sneers and the digs and the eye rolling reduces me to feeling like the primary school child who was never good enough for them. They labelled me as 'difficult' from a very early age and anything I say is met with a dismissive, 'Oh, here we go again!' or 'Hatty being difficult again'.

I've just come away from their house and cried all the way home because my mother has yet again said, 'I blame you entirely,' for a situation where a family member treated me appallingly. She invents her own shit story in her head, and immediately decides everything is my fault. I've spent 60 years being their scapegoat and I can't see any escape until they die. Like @SureJanOK I'm grimly continuing with the duty visits because I hope to eventually inherit something from them and I know they'd cut me out the will if I went entirely NC.

My DM has been difficult for many years. She's literally fallen out with everyone, has no friends and I suspect neighbours avoid her. She's negative, argumentative and if you don't see it her way she's in the wrong, talks at you and you can't get a word in edge ways. She's had a few fall outs with me in recent years and a number with her sister, oh and don't talk about her nephews, they're awful. To be honest the only reason we stick by her is because we're family and.

My Dad (86) recently said that he was proud of me for the first time in my life ( I’m 50 this year)! For 50 years, he’s assumed that I couldn’t achieve much in my life, been negative about what I’ve done and basically always told me to aim lower. Other people have successful lives (the adult children of his friends, for example), but I should always aim lower, because I’ll fail.
Finally this year, he’s realized that I’m not completely useless.

Honestly, I’ve learnt to let his negative comments wash over me and I get on with my life. I do care about him, but I’ve realized that his negativity is on him, it’s nothing to do with me. I could be queen of the world and he’d still find something to criticize. It’s a shame. 🤷

I domt like my parents. If they weren't my parents I would have nothing to do with them. They are constantly grumpy. They refuse to get involved in anything they class as "new" and I'm not talking brand new im talking mobile phones and the internet. They have nothing nice to say about anybody or anything. They have had nothing to do with their grandchildren despite being retired and happy to drive hours for a day out but can't drive 1 hour to see us. They are never happy abiut anything and need to cheer up a bit. They have their health and plenty of money so just smile once in a while ffs.

Op of this was me I would want you to tell me.

Kindly... Dad... I love You so much but you made me feel very down this week due to xyz.
Do you realise your doing it etc

someone told me you can't change them but you can change how what they do say and do affect you. I love my father but my god he a moaney old man. and everything is the useless government fault ( we live in ireland) but yet he works for the civil service and has it so bloody handy. he doesn't listen to anything and thinks his way is best plus the cheapest way. then pays the price of cheap especially with tradesmen. my husband who is a builder refuses to recommend anyone to him or do anything. the 1st thing he does when he arrives is ask what's the WiFi password.🙄 my mother is a different kettle of fish I just don't engage with her apart from pleasantries. she looked like she was chewing wasps all through my wedding day.😅 she can't be happy or proud for me. we have just moved into a new building house and I can see her jealously is eating her. not proud but jelouse. taken years of councillling but you learn to rise above it. helps that my friends and husband see it clearly too and we can joke about it 😅 live your life you have done well. be proud and enjoy it

I'm sorry you're going through this but really glad it's not just me! My DM is a bit like this at 80. I lost my DD really young and we've always been really close, I'm finding it hard to remember whether she's always been like this or not! I think it's just something that has become more prominent over the last few years, especially since Covid and lockdown. I'm so grateful she's still with us and in reasonably good health but the negativity is so wearing sometimes!

My dad has turned into a grumpy old man. I miss what he used to be like. But, I guess he feels done with life, in a way…

You're the same age as me, OP and I totally get where you're coming from. I love my dad dearly but he has become increasingly negative. It's like he hit his 70s and became a grumpy old man. His life has become a lot smaller since he retired, he never really had friends or hobbies and was always constantly working so it's like when he gave up working he didn't know what to do with himself. He says he's happy but seems to spend a lot of time reading the Daily Mail and getting grumpy. I probably would be too if I read the Daily Mail every day!

You have my sympathies, you're not alone.

I feel you OP. My mother is so negative and sullen. Nothing is ever good enough, yet she had the luxury of working part time, supported by my lovely dad and retired at 50 with her health and mortgage free. I find the older my kids get the more difficult its is to like her..I guess I draw comparisons between what I would and do gladly as a parent for my DC yet how little she did for me once I reached 16. I find it so difficult to grit my teeth when she's telling me how I tired I look and perhaps I should consider working less, ( if only!), whilst sat down watching me cook a Sunday roast and top up her wine glass!

I think it's fairly common. A combination of the generation gap and perhaps 'green-eyed monster' on my behalf knowing I'll never have the luxury of working 6 hours a week, huge pensions and mortgage free by 50.

I am so glad to come across this post today! Have been dwelling on my Dad’s misery and grumpiness.

Makes it marginally better that he is not the only one and I just need to let it wash over me and not get to me.

I also feel like I could literally win a Nobel Prize and he’d just mutter ‘foreign junk’ under his breath.

And yes the ‘you’ve always been difficult’ if I ever have my own opinion.

Am going to set an iPhone reminder for 2048 ‘Do not become a grump bag’. Repeat: weekly.

A week is too long op. Visit him or him visit you for a day or two at most.

I’m nearly 60!
I have hated my mother since I was 11 years old!
To this day I don’t see her much maybe once a year!
To me she is nothing, just a spiteful person!
My dad on the other hand, always there for me even now if I want anything he’ll be the first to offer me or do something for me.
I absolutely love my dad to bits and I message or speak with him every day and visit him once a week, even though we don’t live close to each other.
My adult children love my dad and so does my grandchildren, my grandchildren don’t even know my mother and it’s her own doing!

I'm probably a bit too honest with my parents but due to the past I have a 'nothing to lose' attitude.

With my dad I think his dad was quite 'stay in your lane and don't get above your station in life's sort of attitude. I don't think he himself got much praise in life. He's not praised me much, only in recent years when I've achieved more financial success. I've felt why could he not have said he was proud 20 years ago. He can also be grumpy. Also my dad was quite rude to two, now ex, partners.

In regards to my mum I'd literally have to be running naked down the street on fire for her to ask are you okay dear. 😂

Best of luck with that. They may have other plans.

Even when they die, those voices will be in your head.