Has anyone stopped liking their parent/s?

[Inamechangedjustforthis]

My Dad has just left after visiting for a week (stays nearby, not in my home) and first the first time ever I'm really relieved. And that makes me so, so sad. I love him more than anything - he's my only really close relative, but the relentless negativity is soul crushing. He complains and grumbles about absolutely everything (yet if someone asked him if he'd had a good time on his visit, he'd tell them it was great!), and I feel like I'm constantly being reminded that I haven't achieved what he'd have wanted for me in my career (I'm a freelancer, relatively low earning but extremely happy and can work flexibly around my hobbies). It's almost like this grumpy old man persona that used to be a joke has overtaken his entire personality.

I want so much for us to have a close and happy relationship and be kind to eachother but I'm starting to dislike spending time with him.

What do I do?

OP, your Dad reminds me of Father Stone!

My mum died early last year, I found her quite hard work to be around. When I was getting photos for the funeral, and writing her eulogy, my old mum re-emerged. The one who used to laugh all the time, the one who used to love going out and seeing friends. I had completely forgotten that she had existed. My dad had died very unexpectedly a few months after she retired, and she never found a way to get back the happy life she had been looking forward to and expecting. I find that sad.

That must be upsetting. Luckily I'm not in that position, but a few years ago my mum was on some medication that really changed her personality - she's always really positive and it changed her into a 'grumpy old woman' who was complaining and sniping about thing. Fortunately she didn't have to continue to take it and chose not to. But I know ageing sometimes does that to people and it's pretty miserable for everyoone.

I sometimes think it’s natures way of making us less sad when they die- make them as cantankerous and difficult as possible for the last decade. My mum is amazing in a lot of ways but some of her views are getting a bit “wtaf” and she can be a bit negative. I guess being old sucks in a lot of ways though so don’t really blame her.

That makes sense! A bit like making you argue with your teens so that you're ready for them to spread their wings and move out!

Its horribly sad when they die, no matter what they've been like.

They made a will during covid which says it goes 50/50 between me and my brother. It took them 75 years to make wills so doubt they will be a rush to update them. But even if they give it all to my bro, that's fine. And if they give it to the cat shelter, that's doubly fine, cos that's where all MY money is going in the end! (That's not even a joke, I have no children). I'm pretty financially secure so I don't NEED their money. But i'm not allergic to money either at the end of the day!

Indeed, the fact that I don't NEED their inheritance riles my dad. He went in a strop last week because he heard I was considering moving house. (How very DARE I, without coming to him for advice/money).

I don't dislike or like.
Dad has to be centre of attention always, plays the clown when out, played up on my wedding day and even asked me just before why it was me getting married and not my sister. He spoilt every photo he's in pulling silly faces.
My mum likes no one, she is quite nasty now I look back and is unwell yet has 2 friends who she met through dad. She has no one and it's because she is so horrible about them. My cousin was married recently to a man she's been with maybe 15 years yet a few years ago my mum was so awful about him, she's never met him yet accused of him of having an affair, a double life! On the surface she's nice and hard working etc but she isn't.

And their jealousy at my life is so obvious when we bought our house and they visited they told us it wasn't much ( 4 bed in the south east ) and dad didn't talk to me for six months. Dreadful behaviour. For my career I've been told I didn't do the way normal people like my sister do!

I do love them but I'm glad there's 300 miles between us.

I was always terrified of my dad and heaved an enormous sigh of relief when the abusive old sociopath died.

And when my mother decided to whitewash his memory and remodel him in her head as the perfect husband/father, and that meant I had to be painted as an exaggerater and an untrustworthy liar to make that lie work... well, I kind of went off her too. I always knew I was the family scapegoat, but the absolute denial of his abuse of me was somewhat galling.

She too became a dementor in her final years, draining all the joy out of life, and I avoided her as much as I could, it was depressing. I've told DD that if I go that way she can happily disown me without guilt.

I stopped liking my mum when I was a child. She never liked me and never wanted me to begin with, which she told me constantly. I used to just put up with her treating me like crap because I thought I had to put up with her because she was my mum. When I was 31 and she hit my 10 month old son so hard she knocked him out of my arms and I only just caught him before he hit the ground I finally found the courage to cut all contact with her. I haven't seen or spoken to her in over 12 years and they have been the happiest 12 years of my life.

I don't really like my mother either and always leave after a visit feeling relieved to be away from her. Hence I do not visit enough.
Time with her consists of sitting for hours listening to her monologue, going off in different tangents which makes my head spin! She may ask me a question but does not wait for the answer and so moves straight on. She is not interested in my life or my childrens but happily tells me all about the rest of the family.
She did announce on one visit that she did not want my children who are grown up to come to her funeral as she never sees them !(one lives abroad)
She has to control all situations, if I pop out with her in the car she wants me to park where she indicates. If another family member turns up during my visit she gets agitated if we try to chat between ourselves because she wants to be the one talking.
I dread leaving because them I get ' what do you have to get back for.?' as if I don't have a life. The drive is 2 hours home and I would like a bit of an evening when I get back, but of course she knows someone who gets up at 4am and drives miles to get to work.

I really understand. I have always been close to my dm but she is now 76 and unwell and has become very difficult. It is as if whatever i say is wrong, i feel suddenly out of step and I dread speaking to her. It is really sad and so tricky that navigate.

There were times I wouldn't like being around my mam. She could be very negative, she had a hard life but would very often look back with bitterness and regret and then carry that into her outlook for the future. She'd blow things up out of proportion, minor issues would become complete disasters and she'd have to complain about every detail.

Luckily we had a good relationship and I could talk to her about it. One time during a drama filled rant I told her to give it a rest because she was stressing me out. Then she left laughing about it while I was the one wound up.

Because we could be open we both knew some subjects would result in us bickering so for the most part we'd avoid them.

If this is the first time just CHILL. Give him some grace. He’s allowed to have a mood, he survived your teenage years!

parents are strange, they won’t tell you everything going on in their lives. So yeah. Just give him some love and grace.

I can really relate to what you are saying. DM makes me feel like a failure and going out is embarrassing with the moaning and complaining. DSF is casually racist which I cannot abide. They've noticed my reluctance to spend time with them and blame me for it. I honestly don't know how to move forward. Ironically I have a better relationship with DF who lives miles away so I only see occasionally but who tells me he loves me all the time and is always there for me.

I can relate to this post op

I love my parents but they have gotten so negative and childlike it's unreal.

I've had years of my mum being manipulative and childlike when not getting her own way and guilt tripping.

My dad was always cheery and chatty etc however the last couple of years he's got belligerent rude stroppy and so negative at every opportunity I find it too triggering to be around them for too long.

Six weeks ago one of them had to have a small surgery and I had four days of absolute hell with them.

It nearly ripped me over the edge whilst running around working full time plus having kids and a home to run.

The final straw was when I'd had a lovely day out and got bak to messages and a voicemail from them saying they needed my help with something. They knew I was out for the day.

I went over and they had had a falling out and I basically got stuck in the middle of it.
Totally ruined my day and weekend and I shamefully lost my shit at the pair of them

I said in no uncertain terms would I go over again until
They both apologised for saying some really hurtful things and that whenever I do go over the minute they start with the negativity and spiteful comments I would get up and leave.

I've stepped right bak and the last month I've seen them once a week for half an hour and that's been enough because they start getting moany or tecthy or dads getting stroppy about something.

It literally sets me on edge

I can't believe they are early and mid seventies and more than capable of life. They have a privelaged lifestyle with no financial worries etc yet they're so negative it's unreal and toxic.

Op all I can say is I feel a lot better for stepping bak and airing my views at them as they really needed to hear it.

Sadly my other sibling has been unwell mentally for over a year now so doesn't do anything to help practically or any other way so it's always all on me but not anymore.

The worst thing is my grandparents were like it and my parents always said they'd never behave that way with us and yet they are and getting worse.

All you can do is step bak more
Don't have him visit for so long again and if he asks why tell him his negativity has a bad effect on you and how he makes you feel.

Just because they are our parents doesn't mean we have to accept how they behave

Don’t give any of the negative comments air time. Don’t respond, just look at him and say nothing. Reassure him you’re happy just as you are if necessary.

Thanks everyone. I'm off home for three and a bit days. Going to practice all of this!

Tiny update. It was practically like he'd been swapped for a different person. Was on time to collect me, was nice to me and seemed interested in my job, even bought me some oat milk and had it ready in the fridge for me because I don't drink ordinary milk. Can't believe it! 🥰