Am I doing something wrong?

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DH claims it’s my fault our 2.5 yo gets in our bed in the middle of the night as I do bed time. He says I don’t deal with the tantrums well (I am calm and just talk him through it when necessary I don’t overreact) and says it’s my fault he (our toddler) will only go to me and is clingy to me.

I’ve tried to explain it’s normal things for kids his age. He doesn’t seem to listen. I said parenting is a 2 way street and he says I don’t let him do anything (apparently) and my way ‘doesn’t work’

I’m unsure what he means as like I say I am quite sure DS is a normal toddler and there’s no one way of parenting, we all have different ways.

Do I need parenting tips here??? I’m a bit lost

Impossible to say without more information. Doesn’t sound like you’re doing anything wrong but with parenting it is ideal to approach things as a team and show a united front, so if you each have a different way of doing things you need to communicate to find a common ground approach.

What more info would you like sorry I tried to keep the post short and summarised things xx

Sounds like he’s just volunteered himself to do bedtime going forward then.

DH claims it’s my fault our 2.5 yo gets in our bed in the middle of the night as I do bed time.

Is he at home for bedtime? What is his suggestion - has he tried doing bed time "his way" or is he just sitting around criticising how you do it?

He’s done it in the past, I sit with DS and we read a story and cuddle

DH lays with him and reads the story but apparently when he took over for a bit (after I just had our 2nd baby who’s 7mo now) he was sleeping in his bed the whole night

so he’s made the link that when I do bed time it makes DS wake up and want to get in our bed ?

What do you do when he gets in your bed: let him in or send him back? Are you in agreement about what to do?

And as @Didsomeonesaydogs said he obviously needs to do bedtime then! Any reason he’s not?

It doesn't sound like you're doing anything wrong and it is normal for toddlers to wake up in the night and have tantrums, and go through phases of being clingy to one parent over the other. He is probably clingy with you because of the new baby, completely normal.
You do need to be a team to parent though, sit down and calmly discuss how you are doing bedtimes differently and why DH thinks your way is making DS wake up in the night!
And yes it does sound like DH has volunteered to do bedtimes and sort out night wakings

Yep, he needs to do bedtime and be the one who deals with tantrums/clingy moments (and you disappear) - that way your DS will get used to seeing him as a means of support as well!

Why didn't he put a stop to your DS getting in bed with you both at an earlier stage. If DD was upset/ill when she was little, we didn't let her sleep in our bed as we didn't want it to become a problem, instead we slept on her floor.

Yeah our parenting styles conflict a bit. Hes strict I’m a bit softer and want to give more love and not be too strict he will stick with his rules

I enjoy doing bed time I feel it’s so special and I have had guilt since our baby was born so want to spend as much time as I can with our eldest

DH doesn’t want him in the bed and my attitude is it doesn’t bother me if he sleeps

DH has went into
gim when he’s woke but he’ll stand and talk to him and DS cries for me (I wish he’d pick him up give him a cuddle type of thing£

i pick up and cuddle but then DS kicks off to get in our bed

So it sounds less about actual bedtime and more about you letting him in the bed if he wakes in the night and your DH not liking it?

You need to get on the same page. Whatever works best for all of you.

For what it’s worth I’m on your DH side when it comes to night wakings. DS ‘kicking off’ to get in your bed doesn’t mean he gets to.

It is down to parenting. It's not inevitable. You can parent this away.

Whether you should do or even want to is obviously a different question and one for you and DH to discuss (ideally both with an open mind and a goal of compromise).

My ds is 2 and some nights he sleeps through other nights he gets into bed with us, I do all bedtimes as dp is either working or reading with dd 5. If your dh thinks he can do it better let him.

You need to work together, as a team, now, because it’ll get harder as your children get older. I also agree with your DH that your child shouldn’t get into bed with you just because they’ve woken up. If you need to, go into their room and calm them down. Quick cuddle and then put them back to bed while you talk to them and let them fall back to sleep and return to your own bed.
Tantrums are definitely best dealt with in a calm manner, but that doesn’t mean pandering to them. You say that he’s “strict”, does that mean that he doesn’t bend to your toddlers whims and tantrums, or that he shouts at them, or that he withholds cuddles when they are misbehaving? It’s possible to be strict, yet loving and being a refuge. If you don’t get on the same page now, it’ll get really hard when the children are teenagers and pushing every boundary and putting you against each other. Even if you disagree with each other, it’s important that you appear to be in agreement in front of your children, and back each other up.

Get your child a bigger bed so you can settle him in his bed and sleep with him for a while until he is asleep. Or ignore husband and continue to let your child sleep in your bed. Or better still get a new husband who is not jealous of his own kids.
Your number one priority is ( or should be) your kids, hubby is number two. If he doesn't like that 👋

I’m not sure which is the toddler, your child or your husband!!!

Nightwaking is completely normal at this age, and needing help to get back to sleep is also completely normal. It sounds like your DH has been misled by western parenting ideals of self-soothing and early independence. These things are not developmentally normal for your toddler, and your way of handling them are much better for your toddlers development and long term mental health than your DH and his 'hands free' method.



There's lots of reading regarding cosleeping being normal and healthy

https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/howcosleepinggcanhelppyouanddyourbaby

www.askdrsears.com/topics/health-concerns/sleep-problems/scientific-benefits-co-sleeping/

whatdobabiesneed.com/babies-and-toddlers-wake-frequently-at-night-part-one/

i have the absolute best tip here - say, you’re right it’s my fault because I do it all. So when he calls, you go to him. I will not respond to him at all and you do it so that he starts responding better to you. And mummy, do FA!

if he wants that tough job, let him crack it!!

Really agreeing with these comments since we had a recent argument

DS is clingy only wants me says daddy no and I’m not bloody suprised

hes strict he’ll shout and I tell him off for it all the time (yes can’ you believe I have to reprimand a grown man)

I’m so close to filing for divorce. dh is creating such an unhappy home and my kids are priority

My youngest climbed into our bed most nights from around 2.5. Didn't always even wake us up. Much more sleep for me than having to resettle him in his room.

Here's my tip. Get yourselves on the same page when it comes to parenting. I do not say that lightly as I am fully aware how very hard it is.
As time goes by it becomes more and more important as a child needs certainty and stability. And the child will manipulate the chinks in the situation to try and get his own own way .. to the detriment of his sense of security.
You are already in a situation where parenting styles have become a source of conflict so there is some backtracking to do before looking at ways forward.
Beware the (very common) situation where mum calls the shots and claims to know best.
You need to have a neutral conversation about all this without apportioning blame for the bits that are contentious between you. Tell him you want to find a way to be on the same page ... listen to his thoughts and ideas and do not instantly dismiss them, even when you do not agree.
What makes it more difficult is that the presence of a small child tends to decrease intimacy of all kinds and both if you will be adapting to that.
I can see he might be fed up with nights being disturbed .. I am sure you are not totally chuffed about it either! .. so a mutual solution needs to be sought.
You may feel he has unrealistic expectations... many parents do and take time to adapt.
I am not underestimating how hard this is but a non-blaming conversation needs to happen now. Tell him you want to get things right for both of you and listen to his views. If you disagree with them then back your view up with proper observations. Try some of his ideas together and see how they work.
Sending you lots of good luck!!

He is the one in the wrong. Why doesn't he do bedtime if he thinks you do it wrong. If child doesn't go to him it's his fault. Don't accept his criticism. He should offer help not criticise. I am sure you are doing your best.

He constantly criticises me. It’s draining

doesnt think him being a shouty parent will affect our kids , insists me being very loving and perhaps a bit full on (don’t really want them sleeping out) will affect them more

I don’t think our kids are at the age where we should be backing off they’re still so young and don’t need to be independent yet?

You said it better than I did

This. Better to get a good night's rest than keep taking back to bed. If DH doesn't want him in the bed what I did with my 4 I had a cot matress on the floor next to the bed with a cover they just came in and went straight to sleep. They all grow out of it eventually.