One and done... now pregnant with second

[oneandunsure]

I have a two year old. Since he was born, my husband and I have been on the fence about a second. Just found out I'm unexpectedly pregnant. Always thought if this happened it would be a happy accident, but I'm distraught. Really questioning if a second is right for us, due to time, finances, extra stress etc.

If anyone else has been in a similar situation, can you advise how you proceeded? Especially keen to hear from people who were unsure about a second and went ahead, and how it's all worked out for you. It's early and I know I have options, but I'm really unsure about what to do for the best. My current child is so easy and we're in a great routine with work, nursery, etc, and I'm worried a second child would be too much.

Unexpected in that we had sex without contraception once at a time I thought was "safe". In hindsight, it was risky and stupid. But I honestly thought that if it happened I'd feel positive about it.

My husband is in shock, but giving me time to think so hasn't really weighed in with his thoughts too much.

To be absolutely honest in this scenario I would have had a termination. I was on the fence about even having one but went through with it and it has been extremely tough.

We had much planned second and it still hit me like a train when it moved from a theoretical second to an imminent second. I'd give it a good few days to let it sink in and then start making a decision on your next steps.

It's a very different lifestyle having 1 vs 2, I'd think about what you want.

1 usually needs much more adult engagement as they don't have a playmate, you're organizing play dates, running round the park with them etc. they don't have a sibling to support them when you're older (none a guarantee I totally know).

On the other hand 2 results in a lot more bickering and juggling in my experience. It's 50/50 whether my 2 will play nicely together or hate each other's guts.

I've just found out too that I'm pregnant, I'm breastfeeding and decided not to take contraception. My son is ten months old, it's my first day back at work and I found out yesterday! Plus me and my husband have been separated since he became violent back in December. We then went to Bournemouth as a little holiday to celebrate a week before Father's Day. He had been on good talking terms so it was the first time being intimate with each other since December.

Part of me thinks bugger it just knuckle down and devote yourself to raising two children alone.
Then my logical side keeps reminding me that it's going to be harder with two. I'm at a loss!

I was trying for a second and when I got pregnant it still hit me! I felt like I'd ruined my first child's life. Those feelings defo didn't stick around though and baby number 2 has been the best thing that happened to the three of us.

This is literally my main worry! Glad it all worked out for you

I found going from none to one much harder than 1-2. Mine had a 2 year gap.

I found the baby fitted in really.

Two in nursery is a killer but mine were great pals until they hit teens. Then there was a lot of fight

I do remember feeling when I was pregnant how can I have more love and worry I'd love dd less. Never happened obviously

Our second child was a ‘copper coil’ baby. We had decided to have one child but were too young for the GP to refer us for sterilisation.

We were utterly skint, hopeless at adulting and terrified. Random old lady who I was pouring my heart out to at a bus stop said ‘ if we waited until we could afford to have children, we’d never have them’. So we did. She’s 26 now, wildly different to her sibling but not a day has gone by where I haven’t thanked the universe for her.

Having two close together is hard work . I’m extremely glad I have my two - though it’s definitely harder and more expensive. They are very different and add so much to our family in their different ways . No regrets - many things in life are hard it’s just part of the journey

This happened to me. DD was 7 months old and I was beside myself. I took a few days to let it sink in and decided I could not go ahead with a termination (ex)dh was supportive either way but it was a massive shock. I went through the motions of being pregnant like a zombie but as soon as I saw him I knew I had made the right decision. He is 19 now and off to Uni this year and boy will I miss him.

The increased free nursery hours will be a massive help with the costs. As a pp said, with two they keep each other occupied so although it’s harder to get stuff done with them, you do get more hands off time along with that!

Like you we decided 1 and done ....but I did constantly have thoughts wondering if it was the right thing....niggled me month by month and year after year.
He's 10 now and I look back with regret. When were in the car there's always that empty seat in the back. When we sit around the table there's always an empty seat. I was also nieve and didnt realise how much the world has changed and how noone let's their children outside to play like I did, so it's quite a lonely isolating life which I have to fill in as the friend and that can be hard when you've piles of ironing and chores to do.lockfown was hard with him having noone to play with.

But now it's too late. The age gap is too small. People told me you'll only regret the children you don't have, not the ones you do have and for me they were all right.

I think you are blessed and with a small age gap. Things will be better than you imagine!!

I very nearly terminated my second child, I had a huge bleed and secretly hoped that it was a loss. But when they scanned me and I saw her wriggling away like a fish I literally changed my entire mindset in an instant. I am 100% pro choice btw, I'm just giving an example of how I felt very one and done and then ended up with two.

Routines in the early days are so fleeting. You blink and then suddenly your toddler is 10. I'm so glad he has a sibling (3 year gap although I would have preferred a little closer). They are best friends, and no experience or present I could give either would ever match up to having each other, hopefully for many decades into adult life. Short term yes an additional baby/small child makes life a bit harder, but it's an investment in the future.

Each individual must make their choice. If it was me I'd spend the rest of my life wondering what might have been. So It absolutely wouldnt be the right thing for me to terminate in your circumstances. You will get a different answer from different people.

Two is soo bloody hard. You're constantly split into two even if you have a hands on husband. I have two and I'm glad that they have a big age gap enough that my older one can understand and be a bit patient when I cannot give him the time and attention he needs. My dsis has 2 under 3 and she is going through hell. Finance stress on top would just make it 100x worse.

BUT my dc have each other and makes it all so worth it. I watch them playing, having a moment and it melts my heart. But having children has also almost wrecked me.

I haven't been in the same situation as you, but I'm also one and done and would feel the same as you if I accidentally got pregnant. We're not ready to 100% close the door on having a second so haven't gone the permanent route but getting pregnant now would be an absolute nightmare.

For me personally, I feel strongly enough to have an abortion. But all my reasons I have to be one and done are based on finances and logistics rather than emotion, so a surprise pregnancy wouldn't outweigh that. It's such a hard position to be in, I hope you find a solution you can be content with.

I was one-and-done until my ds was about 2.5 and then I started to change my mind.

Ds1 slept well and was a fairly 'easy' toddler, as far as toddlers can be easy!

Got pregnant quite quickly and my goodness ds2 is a different kettle of fish, he cried what constantly for the first 2yrs of his life, he never slept, is stubborn and fiery and a force to be reckoned with! He's also very a kind, creative, sensitive and thoughtful boy. He's 9 now and I've not quite recovered from his whirlwind early years, it nearly broke us.

Anyway I think what I'm saying is they might not be as easy as your first! But you will love them nonetheless. And if you choose not to go ahead that's okay too.

DD (19) was also a “taking a risk” baby. We’d recently moved, I’d run out of my pills and hadn’t registered with a new doctor yet…you’d think a 30-year-old would know better!

It was a big shock, we weren’t ready at all and ignorant about babies, but we managed. My DS is three years younger and it was so much easier, because we felt that we knew what we were doing second time around and DD understood that she needed to be gentle with the new baby. Plus she’s always loved being older and wiser than DS…she was quite miffed when he outgrew her height-wise. I’m assuming that you’ll have 2.5-3-year gap as well? DS was a poor sleeper, unfortunately, but we staggered through it and it did help that DD understood that we were tired.

My two have different personalities and bicker a lot, but honestly, a family of four is great. Right now, DS is away fishing/hiking my DH for a few days (school’s finished here in the US) while DD is at home doing her summer job. We went to the cinema last night and are going out for dinner tonight. It’s lovely spending individual time with them.