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Teen dd has really hurt me on bday :small issue

30 replies

Sonowitsme · 25/06/2024 18:44

So it's my bday.

I've not had such a great day at work, fine. To be honest I don't care that much for bday but it's always painful for me as I lost my parents young and I miss that parental love to be honest.
This is so much ridiculous of me to write but I worry I've gone gone very wrong with my oldest dd 16 and she's doest actually care for me at all.

She shoved a card at me with no affection or excitement at all.

Then she physically barged past me to say something to her dad which he handed her a present that she then shoved at me.

I said thank you hugged her and said can I open it later I've just got in the door.

I'll have it when we eat.

I had to pop out again and when I returned I asked if she could put a table cloth on the outdoor table and she grunted then asked her sister to do it. I asked her if she was unwell and said no.
She then extremely nastily said " I'll do it, I'll end up doing it anyway."
She dies nothing around the the house, absolutely nothing!!

She is supposed to do two very small jobs which I didn't ask her to do during gcse.
She doesn't help with food making or washing, no chores except the two she's not done.

I feel hurt.... It feels like a lack of care and love. She doesn't want to make it a nice day for me.

OP posts:
Harrysmummy246 · 25/06/2024 18:56

She's 16. She's presumably just finished her GCSE's so is exhausted and maybe feeling a little lost. She presumably does love you but that doesn't mean her entire teenager-ness will just disappear

Hatty65 · 25/06/2024 18:56

said can I open it later I've just got in the door.

I suspect that to her you sounded like you weren't bothered about the present. It's a fairly ungracious way of accepting a gift, to be honest. Why didn't you just open it and make grateful and excited noises?

I'd be a bit offended if someone I'd just handed a birthday gift to couldn't be arsed to open it.

migraineagain · 25/06/2024 18:57

Sounds like a normal teenager.
They do get better 16 is a funny age they're not adults and their not little kids sort of zombies.
Im sure she loves you.

WhatNoRaisins · 25/06/2024 19:00

It's hard to say OP. Is this just normal for birthdays in your household? Does your DH model better birthday behaviour for her?

Over time once the exams have passed I'd be increasing expectations for helping around the house. When I was a teenager my parents didn't make me do anything and just seemed to expect me to start stepping up and helping as I got older, this didn't happen. You often have to be more direct.

Sonowitsme · 25/06/2024 19:00

@Hatty65 totally agree.... But as I said in op I hugged her and thanked her and asked if that was OK as I was just thru the door from the work and about to go our again

OP posts:
Sonowitsme · 25/06/2024 19:02

Im refercing that she has two small jobs to do because I know some people expect a lot of their teens!
And she works hard to gcse finished two weeks ago.

OP posts:
SpiritAdder · 25/06/2024 19:03

You sound like you are both hurting each other tbh. You’ve gone over how she rubbed you the wrong way, so here is a bit as to how you might appear to her.

She gives you a card the second you are home- she could have stayed parked on her arse scrolling through her phone like most teens do and you are more concerned about how she wasn’t looking excited or affectionate while doing it than realising the act itself is one of excitement and affection.

She then hurriedly got Dad to hand her the gift she had for you, and you put it to one side criticising her by saying “I’ve just got in the door” only slightly softened by a brisk thank you.

I am not sure what chores Dad does? Why is it up to you and teen female to do the washing, cooking, table setting? What was so bad about younger sister just putting out the table cloth?

Did Dad and other daughter acknowledge your birthday? Any card or gift from them?

Sonowitsme · 25/06/2024 19:04

@WhatNoRaisins

Dh doesn't model behavior I do all organising and getting girls tk give him gifts etc.

I've said for a while I can't cope in a house with no one putting a glass into the kitchen, picking things up off the floor etc and basic help.

OP posts:
TheYearOfSmallThings · 25/06/2024 19:04

YANBU to be disappointed, but unfortunately teenagers can be extremely disappointing and ungracious - it doesn't mean you did anything wrong, and she will probably look back later and cringe.

I would also guess that her fairly minor shiftiness is hitting you harder than it really merits because you haven't had an amazing day otherwise, and have been thinking about your parents and missing the love and attention they would have given you today. It would be great if your daughter had the maturity to step up a bit and think of you rather than herself, but it seems she is not there yet. Hopefully your husband will make the rest of the day a bit special - ultimately as an adult and your partner he is the best person to do that.

Happy birthday!! 🎈 🎁

Sonowitsme · 25/06/2024 19:06

@SpiritAdder I do appreciate seeing things from a different perspective but I honestly thanked her and hugged her and kissed her.

I said I felt like really hot and just in door and I would love opening gift later.
I had to go out again to shop.

OP posts:
greenblueredyellowviolet · 25/06/2024 19:09

Hatty65 · 25/06/2024 18:56

said can I open it later I've just got in the door.

I suspect that to her you sounded like you weren't bothered about the present. It's a fairly ungracious way of accepting a gift, to be honest. Why didn't you just open it and make grateful and excited noises?

I'd be a bit offended if someone I'd just handed a birthday gift to couldn't be arsed to open it.

I thought the same.

Theothername · 25/06/2024 19:10

Living with teens is bruising at the best of times but it’s magnified on days like this. Try not to catastrophise and make more of it than it is. It’s not really a sign that she’s anything except a typical stroppy teen with a lot of maturing to do yet.

SpiritAdder · 25/06/2024 19:10

Sonowitsme · 25/06/2024 19:06

@SpiritAdder I do appreciate seeing things from a different perspective but I honestly thanked her and hugged her and kissed her.

I said I felt like really hot and just in door and I would love opening gift later.
I had to go out again to shop.

I agree you honestly did, but perhaps don’t see why she was grumpy. This would be it for me. You could ask her if she was disappointed you didn’t open your gift before going to the shops.

Sonowitsme · 25/06/2024 19:14

Perhaps but the body language and handing over the card then the irritated barge past me made me feel it was all a massive hassle and incovience anyway.

It's hard because she's the eldest but dd 2 is far far more affectionate.

And I see it now as she's getting older. Dh has a very cold sister and I have mildly worried dd is like her.

OP posts:
Sonowitsme · 25/06/2024 19:15

@SpiritAdder that's the whole point of putting this out here to get different opinions.

OP posts:
Sonowitsme · 25/06/2024 19:15

@SpiritAdder that's the whole point of putting this out here to get different opinions.

OP posts:
littlebirdieblu · 25/06/2024 19:17

Honestly you should have made the effort to open the present, you probably made her feel like you weren't bothered about the present. It reads like she was grumpy because of that.

PerfectTravelTote · 25/06/2024 19:18

She's just being 16. Don't take it personally.

WhatNoRaisins · 25/06/2024 19:21

It does sound a bit like you didn't seem bothered and from what you describe your DP doesn't seem bothered by birthdays either. Ideally your DP as the other adult would have taken the lead on this.

wippandzipp · 25/06/2024 19:24

Happy Birthday. Yay. Don't let it spoil your day. 16 year old is just being a normal teen. I wouldn't even mention it again, not today anyway. Hope you're having a nice time now.

Cooper77 · 25/06/2024 19:30

Never forget how frightened, lonely and unhappy a lot of teenagers really are. It’s f-ing awful being that age. Not everyone is a super-confident extrovert.

junebirthdaygirl · 25/06/2024 19:33

She won't always be 16. It's probably the most selfish age. Let it over your head and enjoy the rest of the day. As she gets older she will become amazingly nice!

Hatty65 · 25/06/2024 19:33

@Sonowitsme Teenagers are easily offended by tiny things. I suspect that the way you accepted the present was what set her off this time with the grunting and snapping about 'I'll do it'.

You and she both seem to have taken the huff with each other with perceived slights about how you've been treated.

Likewhatever · 25/06/2024 19:49

At 16 your birthday won’t be very important to her OP. Wait a few years and she could well be your best friend.

It sounds like this is the tip of the iceberg and you’re feeling generally very under appreciated. I get it but don’t make it too much about your DD.

xyz111 · 25/06/2024 20:00

When people give gifts, it's nice to see them open it. I'd be annoyed at you too.
Have you opened it now in front of her?