How do you think you'll measure your success at the end of life

[Slowbuild]

Just that really.

I possibly have chosen the wrong words to use in my title but hopefully PPs will understand what I mean.

Will you measure success by career choice, money made, places travelled, family created, marriage or certainly never marrying.

For me I feel I'm at a bit of a crossroads. I have some decisions to make and I'm fed up of feeling a bit of a failure. I want to figure out what is important to me now but also what will be in years to come. What will last the test of time so to speak.

Sorry. I hope things improve some day so he can at least communicate and be content. It is so hard.
My most sincere sympathies for you

So many great answers.
I've always liked George Elliott's description of Dorothea at the end of "Middlemarch" and think it's a high aspiration.
"But the effect of her being on those around her was incalculably diffusive: for the growing good of the world is partly dependent on unhistoric acts; and that things are not so ill with you and me as they might have been, is half owing to the number who lived faithfully a hidden life, and rest in unvisited tombs."

If I'm still happily married. 24 years and counting...
If my children are self supporting, happy and healthy with stable relationships.

Interestingly I don't think I would measure my success via my personal wealth or career achievements although I am proud of them now.

It would be all about the connections I have made, the love I have given and received and the legacy I leave behind.

Yes this

Whether I have done more good than harm in my life.

I believe in balance - I try to give more than I take in all relationships and societally.

I have often tried to figure this out. Sadly I have lost the parent who had this ‘magic’ about them that I have been trying to recreate!

It seemed the starting point in any situation was that they trusted I was doing my best and that they believed me. This made me feel appreciated and loved and that I was important and so were my thoughts and opinions. It was a universal truth that our little family loved and respected each other. I never felt belittled or unsure how they felt about me. Yes we argued of course but that was just the surface stuff, under that was a whole unchangeable rock solid love, that was never ever questioned.

Im trying to share this with my children and tell them ‘no matter what, you are loved completely, just as you are’… but they just roll their eyes at me. Hopefully it will sink in though and it will serve to protect them when I’m gone.

I read this at my dad’s funeral. He did all of it plus way more, and I aim to do the same:

The man is a success who has lived well, laughed often, and loved much; who has gained the respect of intelligent men and the love of children; who has filled his niche and accomplished his task; who leaves the world better than he found it, whether by an improved poppy, a perfect poem, or a rescued soul; who never lacked appreciation of earth's beauty or failed to express it; who looked for the best in others and gave the best he had.

Robert Louis Stevenson

If I still have a loving and strong relationship with my children.

By the people I've helped and the friends I've made, the places I've visited and the experiences I've had, for me that will be a life well lived.

The material stuff is something I can't take with me and fortunes can change in an instant.

What a great post and very thought provoking. My children's happiness is number one. Second is closeness to God and hopefully an even stronger connection and love for God, the trinity and blessed Virgin Mary. I also want to be at peace and feel happy and content with what I have, whatever that is.

Have I done the best I could?

Have I been able to help my surviving son to a place where he feels happy and accepted that his brother's death doesn't stop him from living his own life to the fullest.

When I die I hope I will find my eldest son and spend eternity holding him. If we meet up in the afterlife I hope he is proud of me for doing my best to live in his honour. He died aged 18 after a horrendous battle with brain cancer.

I hope I live long enough so my son doesn't have to face another loss in his young life. If he can reach a place of happiness then I will be happy.

Success to me is not measured by wealth, jobs, travelling. I hope I have loved enough and been loved in return.

As many have said - the strength of my relationships and love for family and friends

More than anything - being at the point to accept death. To feel fulfilled and content and ready to leave … because of a life well led.

Difficult question.

I'm only entering middle age and I assume that what I cherish in old age will be very different to what I value/aspire to today.

Very interesting question.

A year ago I would have said I had great friends, a lovely family and was well respected in a great career where I'd found a good balance of work and home.

Then I got ill earlier this year. Really ill. Including in hospital for weeks.

And, other than my lovely DH and the kids, no-one gave a shit. No one. Friends disappeared. "Let me know when you're better and we'll meet up". I'm SO disappointed by my workplace. It's as if I was completely unknown - not a valued long term employee.

So it has all made me think. I need to not value work so much. And focus on my family. So I agree with the "if my children are content" answers.

That my children know how much they were loved by me, that they are secure and happy in the life they have chosen as adults.

That my foster children have been helped by me in some small way to go on to forge happy, secure childhoods with their families (whether birth family or adopted).

Happy grown up children that I have a beautiful relationship with

I already consider my life well spent. Loads of travel. Amazing friends. Don't focus on anything material just positive emotion
My children are adults and genuinely lovely people. Im happy

By the happiness of my children. They don't have to be really successful, in high flying jobs, but happy and content in what they are doing. They're both caring, empathetic adults and I know no matter what I've done wrong in my life, I've brought them up the right way as a single parent with mental health issues.

Contentment, peace, places travelled, experiences enjoyed, contribution I’ve made in helping others.

Did I have a job I loved and was fulfilled in
Did I always do my best
Did I earn my own money and buy the things I wanted myself (never sponging off anyone else)
Did I teach my kids to be hardworking and honest
Were DH and I rock solid
Did my faith remain strong lifelong
Did I have good friendships

I could have written this. I had exaxtly the same experience. I literally felt like no one gave a shit, apart from my DP & Mum. It was very eye opening. I’m sorry it happened to you too.

This is a bit of a wake up call.

The things I value right now aren’t the ones that are going to stay with me. Eg I’m so focussed on paying off my mortgage, but that won’t mean anything at that time.

I need to prioritise human relationships beyond my family more.

Quite happy with mine - like others had some big health issues this year and it does focus the mind somewhat!
I have been a good friend to many, good worker in jobs but most importantly a great mum to dd. I didn't have that childhood myself but made the effort to learn and grow and give a different childhood to her. I've had lovers I have loved deeply even if it wasn't always returned. I have worn my heart on my sleeve. I am loyal and trustworthy. I would always help someone in need and that has sometimes been taken advantage of, but it hasn't stopped me being generous to the next person. I've taught dd how to communicate, love, laugh, participate in other cultures and pay attention. She is one of the happiest teenagers I know and I can die quite relaxed feeling that pride.

I think from reading the responses of previous posters it is very clear that what matters most at the very end is our children and our desire for them to continue to feel loved even after we have gone and our partners too.

I consider my life thus far to be a success, based on a number of things:

I am happy and content, my day to day life is peaceful and serene.
I am loved and I love.
My loved ones know I’m there for them, in good times but more importantly in the bad times. My ailing parents knew I would drop everything for them if they needed me because I did it, as often as necessary and often to my own detriment, though they didn’t know that last part.
As a friend I am fiercely loyal.
At work, I’m dedicated and committed.
I am independent.
Over the years I’ve experienced a lot of joy from both simple things but also things such as travel and cultural activities.
Relationships have taught me something about myself, others and life in general.
I’ve learned that the road less travelled can often be a better one than the well-travelled path
Lastly, to borrow a phrase, regrets, I’ve had a few but then again, too few to mention.