How do you think you'll measure your success at the end of life

[Slowbuild]

Just that really.

I possibly have chosen the wrong words to use in my title but hopefully PPs will understand what I mean.

Will you measure success by career choice, money made, places travelled, family created, marriage or certainly never marrying.

For me I feel I'm at a bit of a crossroads. I have some decisions to make and I'm fed up of feeling a bit of a failure. I want to figure out what is important to me now but also what will be in years to come. What will last the test of time so to speak.

I desperately want to experience romantic love, but I think that it's the sort of thing that maybe doesn't matter overall.

What does matter: I want my DC to be happy, I want to have been protective and not wasted time. I want to understand the world and be well read.

Kids
And what I physically leave eg house, possessions eg collections
I feel like life's purpose is to make it a better place than we found it.
I've done that.

I've never felt a failure. I've always been content. Happy in myself, had a great life, travelled loads, had a good time, chose a good husband, happy with my role as a mum and the parenting I did to produce well rounded sons. Always enjoyed by job. Good friends. I live life well. It's good enough.

The number of places & countries I have visited. I always loved travelling, but I was definitely guilty of taking it for granted. Then Covid happened. I realised how precious my freedom to see the world was, and vowed never to be complacent about it again.

I’m currently on trip number 3 for 2024 plus I have several more planned.

Life is for living.

Seem to be a bit different from everyone else. Love and children's happiness are important to me, but so is being proud of what I've done in my career, and that I've enjoyed my work and achieved things.

There is a saying in the Talmud (Sanhedrin 37a) that means: “Whoever saves a single life is considered by scripture to have saved the world.”

I've paid for my place on the earth. I think the good outweighs the bad.

This. It’s the ripple effect: how many lives have you touched, that have gone on to touch others. The most modest life can have an immeasurable effect.

Whether I've made a positive difference to others

Mine would be… are my children absolutely sure, to their very core, that I have loved them entirely and that my love lasts forever, whether I am there or not.
I would like them to have no doubts about their own self worth and ability to weather whatever life throws at them. This is what I have been given by my parents and if I can pass this to my children, I’d die a happy person.

That's I'll only regret things I did - not things I didn't do.

Whether I did good in the world and spent my time wisely (with friends, family, making good memories)

I’ve always liked this:

To laugh often and much:
To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children,
to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends;
to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others,
to leave the world a bit better whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition;
to know even one life has breathed easier because you lived.
This is to have succeeded.

It’s often attributed to Ralph Waldo Emerson but iirc that is disputed.

this is lovely Applestrudel would love to pass this onto my children too. How did your parents ensure you felt this ?

Great answer.

@Applestrudel71 I was going to ask the same how did your parents ahcieve this and what do you do to make sure this happened? Do you ever say anything critical or grumpy to your dc?

I've been thinking about this a lot recently. When I was young I was taught that the measure of a successful life was that I was thin, rich and married. Well, I'm none of those things - but I have a beautiful daughter and wonderful friends. I've seen a bit of the world, have worked in a range of sectors, and had an impact on people's lives in a good way.

When I am at the end of my life I think I will measure success by whether or not I think I've given my daughter the tools she needs to go out into the world.

Rich would be good though.

I think for me I want to ensure my son is taken care of as he is mentally disabled and I doubt he'll ever care independently for himself.

For me now, life is showing me a couple of paths and I'm at a loss of which one to take. I want to get it right for my son.

When people in their later years are asked this question the response is pretty standard

family, friends and your health. They are the important things.

That I loved wholeheartedly and with joy, and was loved in return.

That my kids know, in their core, that I was a good supportive mum that loved them fiercely, that I always had their backs, and that they had a happy and secure upbringing. That they came first, before partners, friends, and anyone else, but also that I raised them to be fully functioning adults and sometimes what they needed (e.g. learning to do their own laundry 😂) wasn’t always what they wanted - I’d like them to appreciate that.

I just want to buy a house

This

My son's happiness - Which is a bleak thought. Even on my death bed, I will be terrified for his future without me in it

He has severe autism and is non verbal. I often spend time wondering what'll happen when I'm gone as his care needs are so high

My final thoughts will be with him

It;s incredibly important to realise that sometimes there is no 'right' path, just two paths. Choose one. There's a great bit in a Terry Pratchett book where someone is talking about the other path they could have taken, very nostalgically. The other character says, "what about the terrible fire that ripped through the house?". Because you never know what can happen. Choose and live with it.

I've gone all Satre meets Buddha.

How I've treated others - especially my children, my DH, my parents, my siblings, my friends.
I hope to leave the world having made a positive difference to my loved ones.
Also, whether I've made the most of being alive - in the sense of seeing the world, reading good books, listening to a variety of music etc etc. There's a lot to experience in this world and I don't want to live a narrow life.

@jerkorperk I feel exactly the same for my son, who is also non verbal ASC. It's all consuming at times.