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Original poster

Things I'm ashamed of, do you do any of these?

28 replies

letmetellyousomething2024 · 22/06/2024 19:05

Name change but I'm ashamed, I've been using mumsnet about 3 years

When I am having an argument with my partner I sometimes (quite often if it's a heated argument) end up name calling. My 3yo child called her dad a "stupid fucking man" today and I'm so ashamed I could cry

I shout at my daughter. I never did until she was around 2 and she's now 3 and I find it really hard to keep my cool sometimes. I read a lot of parenting books and I trying but it's not good enough because I'm shouting more and more, I hate it.

I also sometimes will say to DD, I'm not going to let you get into my bed tonight unless you brush your teeth, for example. Which I know is wrong. And sometimes she gets really upset but I just don't know how else to get her to do teeth or wee, it's normally like this if she's really tired.

These are the things I hate most about myself and I feel like I'm the only one. It looks like everyone else is so good at regulating their feelings and I struggle so much with mine

OP posts:
BrutusMcDogface · 22/06/2024 19:07

The last one isn’t a problem in my opinion. She needs to know how important it is to brush her teeth and wee before bed.

I also struggle with anger sometimes but I see my doctor regularly and am on sertraline. It is a shame that your dd is calling her dad names if she’s copying you. Do you think you might need to see someone?

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 22/06/2024 19:08

I've done all of these. Very ashamed too and know it's wrong, you can only try to find solutions for yourself when you start to feel triggered. Also apologise to your DC every time something like this happens, I feel like an absolute hypocrite saying sorry for something I've done before but every time I still apologise. I turn around, count to ten, deep breaths etc. Little things but it seems to make a big difference to those instant reactions you feel and know you'll regret (including the interactions with DH!)

SandysMam · 22/06/2024 19:08

Parenting is hard Op, it can turn the most amazing husbands into “stupid fucking men” and raising your voice is so easy after the fifteenth tantrum about cutting sandwiches into triangles when they wanted squares even though they asked for triangles!! The fact you are aware of it is a good thing but give yourself a break. Most people who are really out of order either don’t realise or don’t care.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

3 year olds Families
RickyGervaislovesdogs · 22/06/2024 19:08

Yeah I’ve shouted at times. Not added in a threat.
I don’t name call- for the reason you mentioned and because I have other ways of communicating how I feel.

Do you think you lose it a bit?

PurpleChrayn · 22/06/2024 19:09

I can't say I have done those things, no.

Dryshampoofordays · 22/06/2024 19:14

I can empathise OP. I’m also getting more triggered now my dd is 2 and I’m guessing it is related to how my parents would have spoken to me at that age. You already have an awareness that you want to change which is a start towards doing the work to learn better ways of coping. And the fact that you are worrying about this means that you are a loving mum and partner.

Fudgetheparrot · 22/06/2024 19:17

I’ve never called my partner names but I have definitely shouted! I try very hard not to these days but actually I think my “cross but quiet” voice sounds quite horrible so I’m not convinced it’s that much better

“if you don’t do x, you can’t do y” is a fairly standard parenting tool tbh. It’s tv time for us

Pantaloons99 · 22/06/2024 19:19

The main problems are the name calling and shouting. Name calling like that and belittling people is incredibly unpleasant and you have to stop it.
I've said awful, horrendous things in my mind and in another room to myself. We are all capable of it. The name calling has got to stop. I work very hard to swap it with other language. I'm so furious with you for doing X y z. I feel etc etc etc. You can say it with the same level of passion. I never ever want to be like my own mother. Your child will potentially feel that about you.

If you can get a diary and keep it absolutely private, locked away you can write for ages about how much of an effing c bomb people are. It's quite cathartic 😆

orangegreenblue · 22/06/2024 19:20
  1. Only in my head
  2. No
  3. All the time I say or do something which I think afterwards I should handled differently.

PS Try oranurse toothpaste. It’s flavourless and doesn’t foam.

CountFucula · 22/06/2024 19:20

I have done all those things - used to really shout at my eldest, I felt out of control when parenting very small children and I had four of them.
I know this is very trendy atm but I think I have ADHD so the overwhelm completely swamped me and I lost control of myself.
things are good between me and my eldest - although she does remember me being a wild and unpredictable mother at times. I was/am also a lovely mum who showered them with love and fun times and we were always out and about and she is the light of my life.
I think it’s important to make amends when you shout and to own your behaviour - look for some support too. I found it useful to think I was being watched - it put the brakes on my temper!

Pantaloons99 · 22/06/2024 19:22

@CountFucula yes I do that. I always think of someone saw this would I be ashamed. It stops me in my tracks if I'm going down a road of being a bit unpleasant.

Bunnycat101 · 22/06/2024 19:25

I don’t see what the issue is with the tooth brushing. They need it doing or their teeth will rot. It’s not an optional activity in my house and never has been.

Shouting occasionally is not unusual. Most of my friends are of the ‘very happy to tell off kids’ camp and people are only human. What is not normal though is your three year old having heard your grownup arguments and being able to repeat the ‘stupid fucking man’ phrase. That’s the bit that would worry me more than any of the other bits.

PermanentTemporary · 22/06/2024 19:27
  1. No. I can comment on the namecalling - being married to a man who never ever swore really helped with that. It is something you can decide not to do, maybe together? My mum used to say 'Oh Christmas' at moments of extreme stress (like, she'd run the car into a wall) but she never swore. It was good to be able to treat it seriously - I gave ds a stern talking to for saying 'crap' aged 10. I don't like kids swearing so I didn't.
  1. Did this quite a lot at times, better when I had more sleep.
  1. A good battle to pick imo. Maybe try a few games - dinosaurs got their teeth brushed when roaring at our house.
TeenDivided · 22/06/2024 19:28

If teeth brushing is an issue then ould you bring it forward to soon after last meal rather than at bedtime?

Original poster
letmetellyousomething2024 · 22/06/2024 19:52

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 22/06/2024 19:08

I've done all of these. Very ashamed too and know it's wrong, you can only try to find solutions for yourself when you start to feel triggered. Also apologise to your DC every time something like this happens, I feel like an absolute hypocrite saying sorry for something I've done before but every time I still apologise. I turn around, count to ten, deep breaths etc. Little things but it seems to make a big difference to those instant reactions you feel and know you'll regret (including the interactions with DH!)

I do apologise to her and tell her x was wrong and I shouldn't have done it. But I feel the same as you, I've already said sorry for shouting before and here I am doing it again.

When she pulls my hair/kicks me/hits me, sometimes it really hurts and the pain makes me so mad and really yell. Particularly the hair pulling. I know these things just happen because of her age and she's trying to manage her feelings but these things really make me angry. I know if I really tried and got in the right frame of mind, I could turn things around with her when she gets like this, but sometimes I just can't seem to do it and then I end up shouting.

OP posts:
Original poster
letmetellyousomething2024 · 22/06/2024 19:57

RickyGervaislovesdogs · 22/06/2024 19:08

Yeah I’ve shouted at times. Not added in a threat.
I don’t name call- for the reason you mentioned and because I have other ways of communicating how I feel.

Do you think you lose it a bit?

I do. I say things out of anger to my partner and in the moment I really do mean them, but on reflection it wasn't the right way to deal with it.

I try to say to him "please don't speak to me like that, I don't like it" or "why are you speaking to me like that?" but when he continues I find I explode

He's told me before the things I say hurt him. He almost never calls me names and I can count on one hand the amount of times he has sworn at me in the 9 years we've been together. So I am the problem. I literally don't know how to control myself in the moment. I really hate this about myself.

I think I have had a problem with anger for a long time, I was definitely an angry child and teenager.

OP posts:
Original poster
letmetellyousomething2024 · 22/06/2024 20:00

Pantaloons99 · 22/06/2024 19:19

The main problems are the name calling and shouting. Name calling like that and belittling people is incredibly unpleasant and you have to stop it.
I've said awful, horrendous things in my mind and in another room to myself. We are all capable of it. The name calling has got to stop. I work very hard to swap it with other language. I'm so furious with you for doing X y z. I feel etc etc etc. You can say it with the same level of passion. I never ever want to be like my own mother. Your child will potentially feel that about you.

If you can get a diary and keep it absolutely private, locked away you can write for ages about how much of an effing c bomb people are. It's quite cathartic 😆

Edited

Yes thank you

The name calling isn't directed at my daughter, it's my partner. It is basically abusive from what I've read. I am going to try and keep a diary.

Maybe I just need to learn when to walk away and be by myself to calm down.

OP posts:
RickyGervaislovesdogs · 22/06/2024 20:04

What kind of scenario are we talking? What’s he saying to you?
Just because he isn’t swearing or losing it, doesn’t mean he isn’t gas lighting you.
Are you able to elaborate?
You are quick to blame yourself… but it may not be you. If it is you, then you need some help to manage it. But you need to establish it is actually you.
Does it only happen with him or do other people set you off.

Original poster
letmetellyousomething2024 · 22/06/2024 20:04

Bunnycat101 · 22/06/2024 19:25

I don’t see what the issue is with the tooth brushing. They need it doing or their teeth will rot. It’s not an optional activity in my house and never has been.

Shouting occasionally is not unusual. Most of my friends are of the ‘very happy to tell off kids’ camp and people are only human. What is not normal though is your three year old having heard your grownup arguments and being able to repeat the ‘stupid fucking man’ phrase. That’s the bit that would worry me more than any of the other bits.

It's that I shouldn't be withholding love to try to manipulate her into brushing her teeth. Because that's basically what I'm doing by saying I'm going to remove myself or she can't sleep with me.

I used to say I wouldn't nurse her if she didn't brush her teeth, which really upset her (I nursed her until a few months ago).

It's not the kind of parent I wanted to be, I just wanted to do everything right.

OP posts:
Limth · 22/06/2024 20:06

Given this is in "Chat" and not "Parenting", I'd expected much more "I once gave a bloke head in a phone box in exchange for a bag of chips" type of posts 😀

LuluBlakey1 · 22/06/2024 20:11

Limth · 22/06/2024 20:06

Given this is in "Chat" and not "Parenting", I'd expected much more "I once gave a bloke head in a phone box in exchange for a bag of chips" type of posts 😀

Dear me!

Tipsyscripsy · 22/06/2024 20:12

Why don’t you try therapy to try and understand why you resort to name calling during arguments and heated moments?
I’ve been on the receiving end of this and it really is awful OP, it’s completely and utterly unfair not to just your partner, but also your daughter who is obviously in ear shot of these comments.
I know you already feel bad about it, but you haven’t said what steps you’ve taken to actually try and resolve the issue?
If this is an ingrained behaviour (which it sounds like), you might struggle to change it without having some talk therapy to understand what is happening in those moments.

Original poster
letmetellyousomething2024 · 22/06/2024 20:12

RickyGervaislovesdogs · 22/06/2024 20:04

What kind of scenario are we talking? What’s he saying to you?
Just because he isn’t swearing or losing it, doesn’t mean he isn’t gas lighting you.
Are you able to elaborate?
You are quick to blame yourself… but it may not be you. If it is you, then you need some help to manage it. But you need to establish it is actually you.
Does it only happen with him or do other people set you off.

Sometimes he is being really out of order and definitely gaslighting me, but it doesn't excuse me swearing and name calling does it? I still shouldn't be doing it

No I don't lose it with anyone else, but I did used to work a stressful job and when very stressed have been known to be rude to colleagues (not swearing or name calling) but being quite blunt and impolite when they hadn't done something they were meant to, resulting in some complaining about me. It was a theme so I know it was definitely me or it wouldn't have kept happening through my career. The last year I worked there I worked so hard on myself to be calmer and not get stressed, every time I started to get stressed I would think about the kind of mother I wanted to be and I honestly turned it around there.

I never have had arguments with friends like this. When I was a teenager I had arguments with my mum but I didn't call her names.

I think I said in another comment but, I was an angry child and teenager. I had a lot of sadness and anger in me. I did not like myself. My mum used to say "you were born angry"

OP posts:
Original poster
letmetellyousomething2024 · 22/06/2024 20:14

Tipsyscripsy · 22/06/2024 20:12

Why don’t you try therapy to try and understand why you resort to name calling during arguments and heated moments?
I’ve been on the receiving end of this and it really is awful OP, it’s completely and utterly unfair not to just your partner, but also your daughter who is obviously in ear shot of these comments.
I know you already feel bad about it, but you haven’t said what steps you’ve taken to actually try and resolve the issue?
If this is an ingrained behaviour (which it sounds like), you might struggle to change it without having some talk therapy to understand what is happening in those moments.

It is awful, you're right

Therapy would be good, I don't think it's something we could afford though

I don't know what steps to take

Someone suggested a diary to write my feelings down

OP posts:
BirthdayRainbow · 22/06/2024 20:15

If she's too tired for teeth cleaning, etc then start the bed time process earlier.

When I was struggling I'd pretend I was being filmed.

Bringing up children is hard but you have to find ways to make sure your child is safe, secure, loved and well looked after. The fact it's hard isn't an excuse for bad behaviour from you.

If you are in an abusive relationship you need to remove yourself from it. No wonder your child is playing up. Poor thing is confused and can't verbalise why.