My daughter needs more attention...but how?

[Towelswath]

I have 3 children and love my kids to pieces. I love kids generally, grew up around them, work with them and know that I am a loving, affectionate, positive and supportive parent.

My middle child is 7 and since our youngest was born, 3 years ago, she has changed. Obviously a lot of it is the natural maturing process but she seems to be anxious about a lot of things which she wasn't before. She knows she can talk to me, her dad and her teacher, and we talk about things and work them out. She internalises a lot so I make sure the communication is free flowing, without looking for problems, if that makes sense. She knows she can come to us and we always help her, is what I mean.

Lately, on top on her anxieties, she is now adding on a host of complaints about her health. Sore tummy, sore head, itchy eyes, spot on her leg, dry skin on foot, paper cut, hang nail etc, and they are always a big deal. I always try to deal with these things compassionately but without making a big deal out of them.

She is very friendly and chatty and talks and talks and asks questions or wants to tell me things ALL THE TIME and I'm always present and interested (or pretend to be).

I find multiple opportunities per day to check in with all of my kids, lots of chats, hugs, 'I loves yous', snuggles at night etc. I don't work past school hours and am very available physically and emotionally.

We do one on one things quite often, even if its just a walk to the shops or getting the bus to visit someone together. She gets the same from her dad too.

It just never seems to be enough and she always seems to want more. When I ask her exactly what she would like to do, the answer is always 'play Barbies' or 'play school', both of which I hate, but play along as enthusiastically as I can. Today we played Barbies practising a dance for about an hour and I honestly had things to do and had to cut it short.

She seems yo be constantly wanting my attention, wanting me to watch her, to look at the thing on YouTube she has just seen, to look at one thing or another or to answer a question and it never seems to satisfy her. If I go into the bath she is knocking the door to ask me something and I'm starting to get snappybwith her, and I really don't want to as she is the sweetest little girl with the biggest heart!

What am I missing here? I'm honestly trying to be the best mum I can i be but can't think of another way to give her my undivided attention without giving my other kids away.

Any insights?

I think the trick is to try to teach them to amuse themselves.

another thing to do is have one to one time with each child once a week.

I had 3 kids and my mum used to have them for the week-end sometimes but she only had one kid at a time which was nice for them to have her undivided attention.

Sit with her and be with her doing an activity. What does she love to do? Share that with her. If it's drawing spend time drawing, if she does a dance class make it your treat to take her and get a cake on the way home. All your kids need 1:1 with you during the week, it's up to you to find when to carve that out.

Thank you. She always had a playmate in the form of her older sibling so never got to learn to amuse herself in the way they did. I often suggest drawing, reading, making a book, etc but she always want me to do it too.

We don't have family around but we do one thing per week with each of the older kids by themselves and swap over. This month, daughter and I went away for an overnight stay at my friends house, just us, went into town for the day to pick out a new Teddy and go for tea, and we had a movie day where we watched movies snuggled up, just us. She also had a performance for a Club she is in and we all went out to celebrate her show. That's in the past 4 weeks. Maybe it's too much!

ADHD.

Mine was just like this. Wouldn’t play alone or on her own no matter how hard l tried. Friendly, chatty sociable, always had some little thing wrong with her. I remember a 20minute bike ride falling apart because of something having bitten her. And she had stitch.

Shes just ultra sensitive to everything. She’s nearly 18 now. Still likes lots of attention and gets bored easily. ADHD meds have been amazing for her hideous anxiety though.

That's not including the Barbie session this morning and other little things and smaller moments for connection we frequently have.

Sounds like your doing everything right just work in reinforcing her ability to amuse herself.

Have you actually told her not to disturb your bath unless it's an emergency? She probably thinks it's ok for her to do that and if she's never been told then I can kind of understand why she does it.

At 7, she's old enough to reason with.

Gosh. Some kind of neurodivergence did actually cross my mind. She is very scatty and disorganised and gets distracted very easily. How can I support her?

I don't lock the door when I'm in the bath, just in case, and she always needs a wee or a poo urgently at that moment!

She also goes through seasons of phobias or themes of anxieties. Dying, swimming, bees to name the last 3. If she sees a child looking sad she will hold it in and then cry about it a week later. I've suspected my older child of having ADHD too actually for different reasons.

I also thought ADHD.

First, see your doctor about pursuing a diagnosis.

Medication is very effective.

Tbh I think she needs less attention, not more. She's suffering from a lack of self-reliance. She can't entertain herself, she can't cope with small problems. She needs you to help her regulate constantly.

Work on tools to help her self-regulate. Mindfulness, a calm down jar, a worry journal etc.
Teach her some new skills, let her cook/tidy up after herself/post a letter by herself etc. Growing in independence will help her confidence.

With talking about feelings, make sure you're modelling this. You can tell her that she can talk to you, but demonstrating sharing a worry and working it out will be far more powerful. Tell her something you worry about and let her help you find a solution or let her hear you telling your husband about a worry and see him share the load (obviously keep it age appropriate!).

I’m watching very closely here. My little boy has just been diagnosed with ADHD and everything you have described about your daughter, is absolutely smack on the nail with my boy. The constant “mom! Look at this YouTube video!” (He even does this when I’m driving and the amount of times I’ve had to tell him it’s dangerous!!) “mum can you watch this with me, can you play with me? Can you colour with me? Can I come in the loo with you and sit on the floor?” He also does this when I have a shower. It’s like he has to have constant interaction with me. Even playing on his VR headset, I have to log in on my phone and watch it. It’s just draining. Mentally I’m touched out.

*Edited to add he is 6

Ah - middle child syndrome. I was a middle child and found things quite hard; and my own middle child was just like yours at that age - and made heavy weather of lots of things as she progressed through childhood and teen years. But she is now the kindest, happiest and most wonderful woman you could hope to meet, beloved of all around her.

Part of her problem was that she had a very very bright older sister, and a sweetly appealing younger sister - she was the one in the middle with the glasses who struggled to learn to read and still can't do maths! We found it helped to build in times when she had the undivided attention of one parent. And a lot of time was spent bigging up the things she was good at: drama, art, music and giving her lots of praise for these.

It really does sound as though you are doing all the right things. Time will help.

You sound like a wonderful Mum. The one to one playing would probably have the same effect whether it lasted 5 or 50 minutes in terms of quality time, I wonder whether you could agree to play e.g for 5 minutes then ask for her to help you do some of your jobs? Cooking together, chores, sorting laundry etc. still one on one time for her but maybe easier for you to manage? Plus she still has the choice of playing Barbie’s if she wants so it could prompt more solo play? And either way you can give lots of praise after - for how well she helped to do your jobs or for playing so nicely while you were busy.

Anxiety in young children is often the first presentation of ND. It’s usually misdiagnosed as just amxiwty.

Mine had so many anxieties.

just some one to one, read to her, listen to her, make time, perhaps teach her some crafting.
can you have the odd time out together?

If she's very extroverted, does she need more social time in general ie with other kids as well? Or some kind of activity which gives her attention/drama like theatre

Yes she is extroverted and does dance, drama and plays an instrument so gets to channel that and perform (she loves to perform). She is also very popular and has loads of friends. Everybody loves her and makes a fuss of her to be honest!

Really interesting this because mine is like this and I do wonder about ADHD.
But I just don't know how to answer the questions

I could have written this post. My daughter is the exact same and it can be exhausting. I have no advice but for what it's worth it sounds like you are doing the very best you can.

Hi late diagnosed ADHDer here 👋🏻.
Absolutely I would say this sounds like myself at that age (middlechild included). What I would say is try not to minimise her feelings - girls with ADHD unintentionally get 20,000 times more negative comments/feedbacks than allistic children. Also just because her feelings may be to your overreacting like the dry skin seeming a bigger deal than it should be, to her it is that big.
Try to help her find healthy coping mechanisms (ADDitude magazine/online website is a great resource) and build somewhere in your routine for destination time like a quiet corner with comfy seats/blankets where she can stick headphones on and chill.
I would speak to her school and be prepared for them to initially not see if, take resources for how girls present with ADHD compared to boys and maybe speak to your gp to start the referral process because it takes years.
Historically parents have avoided labels and medication because of fear of stigma but I genuinely mean it when I say understanding I have ADHD and learning how my brain works saved my life.
ADHD is also genetic and if you think one of your other children also in ND it's very likely you or their father is as well. This means you may be less likely to identify issues because their 'normal' for you or family.

Visual planning/reminders, visual timers, one task at a time, exercise and sensory support are all ways you can help her as well ❤️

Gosh lots to respond to here. Not really sure where to start. There isn't adhd in our families but asd and dyspraxia in mine. While my daughter is a great dancer etc she is very clumsy and spills everything. She didn't smile for ages as a baby (3 months) and reached all of her milestones a bit late. She also has a bit of a speech delay. She is very conversant with a broad vocabulary, extremely expressive and articulate but was very difficult for people other than me and DH to make out. Even now she can't pronounce certain words. I got her assessed privately but the speech therapist said she was fine, but I'm not convinced.

I definitely don't undermine anything she is feeling and always respond to each of her little complaints with 'I'm sorry to hear that' before giving some kind of 'solution' such as putting a wet tissue on it or having some sudocrem etc etc. I try to validate her feelings without making it a big deal or affirming the complaints too much, if that makes sense.

We talk things through and discuss ways to change our perspectives and not get stuck in one way of thinking. I also have a kind of script where I tell the kids that I believe in them, that I know they can do difficult things and that when they achieve something I always say ' I knew you could do it!'. I hear my daughter using this on herself 'facing my fears will make be stronger I cam do this!' So I do think this is effective and I get lots of comments on how confident all my kids are (don't know where they got it as I had zero confidence as a child).

She has a worry book at school and I know her teacher is really on it with her. Fi ally at the end of the day we pray, and wrap up the day by giving thanks for what we have and telling God our worries. My kids really like this and ask me to pray with them about things that they are worried about and they always fall asleep right afterwards.

I wasn't expecting anyone to mention Adhd but now it's out there, I'm definitely not shocked about it. In a way, I feel less guilty if I know it's not because I'm an inattentive mother because I'm honestly doing my absolute best and felt dreadful that my little girl was somehow neglected despite my efforts. This gives a little extra context.

My DD is 10 and has just been diagnosed with AHDH. She sounds very like your daughter, even down to the speech issue. I started to notice when she was about 8 when anxiety kicked in. I thought it was autism at first, but the person doing the diagnosis discounted that and put her forward for an ADHD assessment. No advice really as I'm figuring it all out myself, though we learned some great tools for the anxiety. I think you should get her referred for a test, took about 2 years for my DD to get assessed and I'm glad we know now so we can learn to manage it (when I say 'we' I mean me and her) in the run up to high school and her being more independent.

For what it's worth, ADHD or not, you sound like great parents, I don't think you're doing anything wrong at all.

Oh it doesn't sound like she's been neglected in any way. It sounds like you've been doing great so far! It really makes sense that there is ASD in the family as there's a massive comorbidity - historically it was thought to be around 20-40% but it's now thought it could be as high as 80%.

I also thought neurodiversity. You could have been describing my 4yo. She’s exactly the same although she’s an only child. Both myself and my sister are autistic and diagnosed as having ADHD.