My daughter needs more attention...but how?

[Towelswath]

I have 3 children and love my kids to pieces. I love kids generally, grew up around them, work with them and know that I am a loving, affectionate, positive and supportive parent.

My middle child is 7 and since our youngest was born, 3 years ago, she has changed. Obviously a lot of it is the natural maturing process but she seems to be anxious about a lot of things which she wasn't before. She knows she can talk to me, her dad and her teacher, and we talk about things and work them out. She internalises a lot so I make sure the communication is free flowing, without looking for problems, if that makes sense. She knows she can come to us and we always help her, is what I mean.

Lately, on top on her anxieties, she is now adding on a host of complaints about her health. Sore tummy, sore head, itchy eyes, spot on her leg, dry skin on foot, paper cut, hang nail etc, and they are always a big deal. I always try to deal with these things compassionately but without making a big deal out of them.

She is very friendly and chatty and talks and talks and asks questions or wants to tell me things ALL THE TIME and I'm always present and interested (or pretend to be).

I find multiple opportunities per day to check in with all of my kids, lots of chats, hugs, 'I loves yous', snuggles at night etc. I don't work past school hours and am very available physically and emotionally.

We do one on one things quite often, even if its just a walk to the shops or getting the bus to visit someone together. She gets the same from her dad too.

It just never seems to be enough and she always seems to want more. When I ask her exactly what she would like to do, the answer is always 'play Barbies' or 'play school', both of which I hate, but play along as enthusiastically as I can. Today we played Barbies practising a dance for about an hour and I honestly had things to do and had to cut it short.

She seems yo be constantly wanting my attention, wanting me to watch her, to look at the thing on YouTube she has just seen, to look at one thing or another or to answer a question and it never seems to satisfy her. If I go into the bath she is knocking the door to ask me something and I'm starting to get snappybwith her, and I really don't want to as she is the sweetest little girl with the biggest heart!

What am I missing here? I'm honestly trying to be the best mum I can i be but can't think of another way to give her my undivided attention without giving my other kids away.

Any insights?

Yes and those are only the diagnosed cases. I can see lots of undiagnosed neurodivergence in my side of the family too. My husband is very efficient, focused, balanced and probably what you would see if you looked up the word 'neurotypical'. I've wondered about myself in the past but nothing major. Just things to do with sometimes putting 100% effort in and going around in circles to get no results (thought thats just with housework lol).

I'm going to speak to DDs previous teachers as they've all kept in touch as they all adored her. One described her as a ray of sunshine and another said what a special girl she is. She is, and today I felt so guilty when I felt like saying 'What??? What do you want now!???' When I heard 'mummyyyyyyy, mummyyyyyyy, mummyyyyyyy' for the millionth time. She is a poppet.

My husband is very efficient, focused, balanced and probably what you would see if you looked up the word 'neurotypical'.

My husbands colleagues would use those words to describe him and I also thought the same until I got to know him. When he took a screener test for ADHD the results explained that if he took a diagnostic test he was very likely to be diagnosed as having ADHD. Most of the world don’t get to see the issues my husband has as he doesn’t talk about them so they would think he’s focused when he’s actually overworking to compensate for his difficulties.

I do know my husband though, quite well 😉 on the other hand he thinks I'm a bit neurodiverse!

It's really hard to be the middle child. There's always someone ahead of you, older, given more responsibility, the first to do everything, the most grown-up. Then there's always someone sucking up the attention behind you, younger, cuter, that everyone makes the most fuss of. You have no place in the middle and need to seek out attention wherever you can get it.
My advice would be to help her find an identity that's separate from her siblings. For example, help her excel at a skill or hobby that her elder sibling has nothing to do with, something that she is the only one to do.

First thing I thought when I read this was ADHD, didn't want to jump in but I see someone else has mentioned it. My adhd-ers were exactly the same and nothing I gave would have ever been enough.

Might not be this of course but from experience it's a different scale altogether from other kids. The combination of demanding attention and rejection sensitive dysphoria makes it really hard to manage.

Yes, it feels like it's never enough @Rippledipple and I keep saying 'you know how special you are and how much we all adore you, right?' And she will seem kind of joke exasperated and say 'I knowwwww, you keep saying it!' and yet the attention never seems to be enough? Also, @NightPuffins (and another pp) mentioned the middle child thing, and I'm honestly so aware of that but actually it's DD who gets all the attention and it's my eldest that I worry about as they get bypassed all the time. People make a fuss of DD, and the baby and then there's a courtesy acknowledgement of the eldest, who just doesn't happen to be as 'jazz hands' as DD. Even DD says 'it's like I'm famous because everyone knows me from dance show/singing show/music recital/other school event she's stuck in the middle of!' So she very much has an identity that almost surpasses the others. It's like she's a bottomless pit and no amount of attention satisfies her. She is incredibly creative and sometimes I wonder is she just one of those tortured artist types who crave fans!

It's unreal how so many of you thought adhd and while I have suspected something through the years, I was not expecting adhd. I'm open to it though. I also appreciate the suggestion to go on the website for tips. Sorry I've been replying amid chaos at home. I really appreciate the input.

Did you not read the OP??? That's literally what she does.

I did some googling of adhd in girls and a lot of it is coming up with low self esteem, very shy, no confidence etc. My daughter doesn't fit that profile at all. She appears to have very high self esteem, is incredibly outgoing and very confident (alongside the episodes of anxiety). Had anyone any resources which account for a child like mine?

Kids react very differently to the arrival of a younger sibling. If you were in a relationship with someone for 4 years, you had your place with them and then another person turned up - you would feel displaced and upset no?

She will have had a lot of attention due to her age - and then lost it completely as mum’s attention shifted to the new arrival due to its high needs.

The eldest is still the eldest so they still have their place. But the middle child is now freefloating in no man’s land.

The attention seeking sounds like she feels like she’s struggling to be heard and seen (regardless of whether you feel she actually isn’t), and trying get you to acknowledge her. Trying to cling on to compensate for feeling dislodged.

I don’t think you neglected her this is just a natural consequence of further children.

Mine was outgoing and confident too.

It changed at adolescence.

Wow you sound like a great mum! Your dd sounds very similar to mine who is an only child. It's exhausting feeling like the attention is never enough. I don't see it as a problem really, just that she wants a lot from me. I try to be firm about boundaries of time and encourage her to play by herself. You're doing a brilliant job!

You sound like an amazing caring mum.

But you say you are always emotionally and physically available. It maybe that she hasn't learned to build resilience because she hasn't ever needed to.

When you go for a bath set a timer. Tell her you'll be half and hour and she can only disturb you if she's bleeding or it's an emergency in that time!

There's no reason why she wouldn't interrupt your bathtime if she gets rewarded with attention for doing so.

Thank you everyone. The adhd has got me thinking and I'm also going to start to start researching ways to protect her mental health as I know this can be an issue for teenage girls with adhd, and if she turns out not to have it, no harm done.

I was mega loud and seemed very confident until I hit secondary school. However even then it was over-compensating and I knew it. I made a conscious decision when I was about 7 y/o to be the class clown so I would be popular. It didn't work but it did get me attention and detract from other 'weirdness'. Masking I guess, a habit I'm trying to break 40 years later. This is why lots of people are against medication - they say it changes the personality and so on, the truth is, it allows the person to unmask. Your daughter may be a true extrovert but it's possible that some of it is a front. One of my children is an extrovert but not the totally unhinged, in your face type that he used to be - we can all breathe!