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Original poster

If you longed for a daughter…

30 replies

SAF7629 · 22/06/2024 10:14

…but did not have one, did that feeling ever go away?

I have 2 young boys. I love them endlessly and wouldn’t change them for the world now that they are here, but I’ve always hoped that I would have a daughter.
I’ll admit that I felt some “disappointment” when I found, at scans, that both were boys but got over this fairly quickly at the time and was delighted when they were born healthy.
What hasn’t left me though, is the desire to have a daughter (in addition to my sons).

There are lots of reasons why trying for a 3rd isn’t really an option and, as awful as it sounds, I just couldn’t risk a 3rd boy. I really hate myself for thinking like that.

I’ve spent a long time trying to reason with myself and work out exactly why I want a daughter. I suppose doing “girly” things and having a good mother-daughter relationship come into it, but I know these are definitely not guaranteed and I feel it runs deeper than that.

Has anyone else felt like this or am I just an awful person? I have a close friend who is struggling with infertility, so I know how unreasonable I am and would never dream of discussing this with her.

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 22/06/2024 10:21

No. All sisters, all girl school, predominantly female jobs, 99% of friends are female. But I'm out numbered with three sons and no daughters. Yes in an ideal world it would have been nice, but it's all superficial or society-led reasons. There's nothing I would get from a girl I don't get from my boys apart from period chat.

Perhaps talking through your feelings openly with a good listener will help you explore what's going on / challenge your underlying values and beliefs

mumonthehill · 22/06/2024 10:23

With first dc i really wanted a girl but I have got 2 amazing ds now, 17 and 23 and no I absolutely have not wished or longed for a daughter. I love every minute of having boys. What I will say is ds23 now has a lovely gf and I very much enjoy having her as part of our family. It is nice to have another woman to even out the dynamics sometimes!!

HuevoRanchero · 22/06/2024 10:26

I knew I would only have one child and was convinced it was a girl until the 20 week scan, when DS waved his bits at us. I was briefly devastated, which took me aback, because I hadn’t been at all conscious that I had such a strong preference. I have zero interest in stereotypically ‘girly’ activities, am not any kind of believer in gender stereotypes, and am not close to my mother. I concluded that my desire for a girl had been chiefly because I would never have another child, partly to do with raising her in a less damaging way that I was raised, and some kind of idea about continuing on a chain of women giving birth to girls going back to our earliest ancestors, a chain that has now ended. (Probably also because none of my siblings have had children, and are now past childbearing, so DS is very much the last of our ‘line’.)

I think acknowledging my feelings put them to rest, and just acknowledging that any throw of the dice closes off some doors. DS is 12, and I’m completely at ease with my lack of a daughter.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families

DelphiniumBlue · 22/06/2024 10:28

I’ve got 3 sons, all adult now. I was obsessed with having a girl for a long time, but I had to come to terms with it as realistically we couldn’t manage a 4 th child for all sorts of reasons, my age being one.
The yearning did lessen, but I am still sad that I don’t have a daughter. I do have a lovely niece though!

mambojambodothetango · 22/06/2024 10:36

I got two boys having always assumed I'd end up with at least one girl. As a woman I daresay it's easier to imagine yourself parenting a girl (maybe not for everyone). There are times when the DC and their Dad are doing typical 'male' things (I know I'm generalising but let's not pretend you don't know what I mean) and I have a very slight moment of wondering if things might have been different with a girl.

However, my boys are fabulous and affectionate and I adore them for all that they are. I wouldn't change them for anything. I had a very strong sense when they were born that I'd been given a gift (not religious at all but I suppose a similar feeling) and that all was as it should be.

I see absolutely no need to be disappointed and, furthermore, there's no point. It's a waste of emotional energy.

Iwantmybed · 22/06/2024 10:36

I had the opposite, wanted boys. Never wanted a girl, I'm not girly and had a terrible relationship with my mother growing up.

Dd1 is 16 now and amazing, we have a fab relationship. I'm over having boys, my DDs are ace.

bananaphon · 22/06/2024 10:43

I have a lovely 4 year old DS. My preference was a girl but once he was born that didn't matter. He's affectionate and funny. I was pregnant with a girl last year but she died at 20 weeks. I'm now pregnant again (almost 23 weeks) and it's a boy. I had a mix of emotions about it but mostly I'm hoping that it just goes ok this time.

migraineagain · 22/06/2024 11:03

I only had boys i never longed for a daughter.
I love being the only girl in my home.
Both adults now one thing i can say with having boys is you get an insight in the male world.

MaryMaryVeryContrary · 22/06/2024 11:07

You’ll have a load of posters slate you for feeling this way while simultaneously posting about how awful men are 🤷🏼‍♀️ make it make sense.

SleepingStandingUp · 22/06/2024 11:24

I am sad about my mitochondrial DNA but have three nieces. Hopefully one of those will continue our lineage

AnchorWHAT · 22/06/2024 14:32

If i had been able to choose one of my lovely boys would have been a girl, i have had the occasional pang for a girl but now they both have girlfriends i am indulging in the girly stuff with them.

Giggorata · 22/06/2024 14:42

I always wanted a daughter. It didn't happen and it hasn't gone away.

My sons are amazing, warm and funny, btw. Just not female.
There is the female line/mitochondrial DNA thing, as well as just wanting some girly stuff and the unspoken understandings.

I have a granddaughter now!

EnglishBluebell · 22/06/2024 14:50

SleepingStandingUp · 22/06/2024 10:21

I have a DD and there's loads we do together that wouldn't likely have happened if I'd had a boy and we're not even at period chat stage yet.
I won’t list them all, given the context of this thread, but yeah there's loads more girl stuff than just period chat!

EnglishBluebell · 22/06/2024 14:52

SleepingStandingUp · 22/06/2024 11:24

I am sad about my mitochondrial DNA but have three nieces. Hopefully one of those will continue our lineage

So sorry

HuevoRanchero · 22/06/2024 14:56

EnglishBluebell · 22/06/2024 14:50

Show quote history

Like what, though? I’m struggling to think of much I wouldn’t have done with my 12 year old son that I’d have done with a daughter.

Strokethefurrywall · 22/06/2024 15:02

I wanted a daughter in a "future" abstract way. I didn't want the cute dresses or anything like that, but I wanted to replicate the relationship I have with my mum with a daughter.

I have 2 boys and am happy to say that feeling completely passed. I have a great relationship with my boys, and both are very much "attached" to me (12 & 10 so that might change!) and i don't feel I'm missing out.

Justrolledmyeyesoutloud · 22/06/2024 15:06

Not me but my friend had 3 boys within 2 years and was absolutely desperate for a girl. Got pregnant again and it was another boy - she told me she will never feel complete withoutba girl but as someone who had secondary infertilty, l would have given might right arm for another child. But her feelings are totally valid and her house is so chaotic, l am always glad to come hone to chill out lol!

Houseplanter · 22/06/2024 15:16

I would have loved a daughter but have accepted that was something in my life I just didn't get to experience.

There are lots of things I would have liked to have done or had though; you can't have everything.

mondaytosunday · 22/06/2024 15:24

My husband had two boys when I met him, and five brothers! He really wanted a girl. Our first was a boy, and he was delighted with him but I think was really hoping our next just might be a girl. And she was! Everyone was thrilled (for about five minutes, no one really cared after that).
Sadly my husband passed away suddenly when she was four so wasn't able to see her grow up and have the same interests as him (even though my son is much closer to him in personality).
But she and I are really close and similar in personality. I love having a daughter, but I also adore my son. I was 43 with my daughter so would not have tried again if she'd been a boy. Tempting fate comes to mind.

HuevoRanchero · 22/06/2024 15:35

I have two very nice SILs, who were both desperate for a girl, and kept having babies till they had one, despite that one was advised not to get pregnant again after she almost died giving birth from a rare condition — one had three boys before (as she phrased it) ‘getting my girl’, the other (the one advised to stop at one child) had two sons before having a daughter. Both spoiled and babied their daughters, and treated them very differently to their sons, I think out of a combination of them being the only girl and the baby.

However, now that these children are in their late 20s and 30s, it’s clear that the five boys are pleasant, well-adjusted, independent adults making their own lives, while both girls have never really launched, live rather unhappily at home, have drifted between jobs, dropped out of university etc.

ThePoshUns · 22/06/2024 15:44

I hear you OP.
I have 2 adult sons whom I absolutely adore, I'd have loved a daughter and like you I didn't try for a 3rd as I wasn't sure how I'd feel I had a third boy.
I can't really say the feeling goes away. It hasn't helped that in my closer friendship group my friends all have a a son and a daughter. I feel it quite keenly when my friends and their daughters go off to do ' girly ' lunches etc;
I hope to have good relationships with future daughter in laws and secretly hope for a a grand daughter one day.
I'm sure there will be posted telling you to be grateful for what you have, and I am so so happy for having two healthy boys who are now amazing young men, especially as I had a late miscarriage as well.

GSLady · 22/06/2024 16:10

Honestly, no. I went abroad and did gender selection to have a daughter. More people do it than you might think. There’s a good online community of us.

Chasingsquirrels · 22/06/2024 16:14

Strokethefurrywall · 22/06/2024 15:02

I wanted a daughter in a "future" abstract way. I didn't want the cute dresses or anything like that, but I wanted to replicate the relationship I have with my mum with a daughter.

I felt exactly like this.

I didn't know I wanted a girl with my first pregnancy, until ds1 was born.
I knew with my second that I wanted a girl, and fell in love with ds2 the moment I delivered him.

They are now 21 & 18, and I wouldn't want a girl now.

HashBrownandBeans · 22/06/2024 16:18

I really wanted a daughter to try and build a strong female family relationship that I didn’t get with my own mother, and likewise her with her mother. Unfortunately I failed to break the generational trauma no matter how hard I tried and despite us being close when she was smaller, my now adult daughter has no interest in our relationship at all. Shes 100% her dad’s child. We speak a few times a year, might see each other at Christmas if I’m lucky. We are going away for a weekend later this year. Nothing like what I was hoping for. I’m still close to my sons with zero effort at all 🥹

MaryMaryVeryContrary · 22/06/2024 16:24

Houseplanter · 22/06/2024 15:16

I would have loved a daughter but have accepted that was something in my life I just didn't get to experience.

There are lots of things I would have liked to have done or had though; you can't have everything.

I think this is key. Focus on the things you have that other people will never experience. I do have a daughter (and my lovely DS) but I don’t have my health (and believe me this isn’t to be taken for granted). I will never know again what it is to be healthy and simply ‘do life’ normally every day. I’ll never have a close relationship with either of my parents and feel very envious of people who are close with theirs. Life is made up of things we have, and things we don’t have. There are undoubtedly people out there who would look at something you have and think ‘if I could just have that I would be much happier’

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