What the fuck is wrong with me?

[ColinRobinsonsFart]

Where do I start?

I am so numb at the moment - I can't get excited about anything. I am trying to look forward to going on holiday but I can hardly gather the enthusiasm to function.
I sleep but I am waking up feeling exhausted. I don't feel refreshed.
The past couple of years have been, on occasion, hard. DH ended up in ITU after a burst bowel leaving him with sepsis and a stoma. He survived but nothing will be as it was.
I was then diagnosed with an autoimmune disease which can leave me bed ridden when I am having a flare.
And now one of my elderly parents has probably got cancer - we are waiting for results.

Today I feel flat - I seem to have lost my ability to see in 3D - it's like I am seeing the world on a screen.

I think I am depressed.

I still laugh though at stuff . I think from the outside I seem ok. I can only let it all show with DH.

I have had some whiskey and Coca Cola to help ( I don't drink as a rule) and that has helped me a bit me.

Why the hell am I doing this.... talking into the void.

Bugger it

You're not talking to the void, there are some lovely people on mumsnet who will always offer support or just be an ear to listen to your woes. No wonder you're feeling so blue though, with everything that's happened. I'm sorry it's all a bit crap for you but hopefully life will bring some small pleasures too.

Wbat things do you enjoy or used to enjoy? How old are you? Do you have DC?

Burnout.

Instantly recognised it from the holiday comment.

When i had a wonderful holiday to go on and wasn't looking forward to it or excited it was total burnout.

Depression anxiety poor sleep, cynical and poor performance.

I'm so sorry OP you have so much to deal with.

Try magnesium glycinate if you can and go to the GP.

I don't want to be depressed

I met DH 20 yrs ago and I came off anti depressants..... I had been on them in and off for 20 yrs before I met him.
He totally changed my life - I felt able to get off the tablets and I haven't taken anything for twenty years!

Burnout - what DH and I have recognised. He also thinks we are both suffering

Magnesium - I have been having Epsom salt baths. They have helped a bit with sleep

I am nearly 60
Kids are grown up and in different countries.
My allotment is my happy place but I am just not wanting to go ...

The drink/"whisky and coke" cheers up people for a short while and you feel more down the next day!!

See gP for advice!!

Completely get it - after 3 family deaths and my OH having a cancer scare I feel much the same. It’s your body’s way of telling you to take some time out but that’s much easier said than done.

I’m not playing ‘shit circumstances top trumps’, just recognising that some stuff pushes you towards the edge. I hope you can find a way to work through it, it’s not easy. I’m focussing on eating well, not drinking too much, spending time outside and avoiding stress wherever I can - also not easy.

A kind poster wrote the following to me which I thought was lovely:

Taking care of yourself, maybe you could start or increase physical exercise like yoga, walking, swimming... etc. Spend time on hobbies, escaping in uplifting music, radio or podcasts or books or shows. Nature and pets are very healing. Some people find writing in a journal or poetry or art very therapeutic.

The 3d / seeing the world like on a screen thing sounds like disassociation. Google it.

It's like your body's way of numbing you when you can't cope anymore. So you switch off to it. I had this recently.

Sounds like you are depressed and no wonder, you're having to deal with lots of difficult scary things!

I know you don't want to go back on anti depressants but it would be totally worth talking to your doctor. Maybe you could do with some medication just to support you for a little bit.

Your children are far away but could you set up a regular catch up or do you have any other supportive friends who you could talk to or maybe even counselling?

You're not talking to the void, there are people listening. 🤗

That's loads to deal with and no wonder you're shutting down. Could you find anything that helps or at least to put yourself first for a bit?

May sound odd, but get bloods checked. Its how I felt when anemic... before. I got really anemic.

Different deficiencies can cause these symptoms initially.

You sound like me op. I have diagnosed ptsd, DH has metastatic cancer. I’ve been ill on and off with scary stuff. I’m burnt out. I try so hard to not implode that I cut off my feelings in the process. I feel nothing. Work is a total bugger. Pretending to be normal 5 days a week.

@Welshiegreen has a good point.

You are having a perfectly understandable, sane and normal set of reactions to some really tough situations that life has thrown at you.
It's ok to feel depressed and low at times- I think we can all get caught up in trying to bury any 'negative' emotions, as our society is very focused on 'looking on the bright side', which can be completely draining, not to mention impossible at times.
I've been reading lately about the healing power of crying, which sounds like baloney- however I've found it working for me.
If you are feeling numb, then you maybe inadvertently suppressing your emotions, and your justified sadness (and possibly anger?).
You might find it difficult to let these emotions out (some advice from the book was to find a really sad film, or book, and give yourself that healing cry).
Change of this magnitude is so so hard- and you need time to grieve the old life that you and your husband had.
I really hope that you can find some healing and peace going forward.
It might be worth trying to access counselling, if that is something that would be possible for you.

It's such an awful feeling, for me it was disassociation caused by being post menopausal. I thought it was work stress, life stress, caused by the insomnia I was also suffering until the pandemic and I was home for 3 months. Finally realised it wasn't stressed, started researching and started hrt 7 yrs post menopause. Has made such a difference, but I still remember just feeling so in a bubble watching everything going on around me, I wasn't depressed but I was never happy either, never even just content, just meh all the time. Everything I enjoyed, even just reading a book seems like too much bother

Sorry OP for your issues. I do really sympathise as I had my dh in ICU last year for a fortnight. I think you just keep needing to put one foot in front of the other until everything settles down. Very hard, I know 🌸🌸

I have an autoimmune disease, (RA and Colitis) and sometimes I get periods of depression, which is a symptom of a flare up, have you spoke to a GP about putting you on meds to get the inflammation under control, it can be a game changer!

Oh bless you all!
My neighbour saw me in my garden and realised I was upset - she has sat with me and we have talked shit !

She made me laugh and cry.

I feel a bit better ....

DH is on a late shift so won't be home until the morning - I have sent him a text and he has replied with lots of love and positive words.

I think my problem is I fucked up my HRT - i havent had any for over a week due to problems with getting the prescription ( I have to jump through hoops) .

Thank you everyone

I've had a few years of very scary health issues and while I'm physically OK now the mental scars are much harder to deal with. I recognise a lot of what you say. I find that I just don't have motivation for the things that I used to any more. But then I'll have a good day and feel more like my old self again. And then 10 days of feeling shit! Can't take HRT due to breast cancer so even if it's perimenopause I can't do anything about it. Sunny days like today get me through but I'm dreading winter.

Someone recommended me the book The Happiness Trap and I'm really enjoying it and finding it really helpful. I'm half way through it so far but would definitely recommend it.

Taking care of yourself, maybe you could start or increase physical exercise like yoga, walking, swimming... etc. Spend time on hobbies, escaping in uplifting music, radio or podcasts or books or shows. Nature and pets are very healing. Some people find writing in a journal or poetry or art very therapeutic.

Completely agree with that. I also find it is the simple things that can give us pleasure. For instance, walking to work today early morning , I was not down as such , but have a few thigs hanging over me. However it was lovely to hear the bird songs (well a few hours after a drunken lout bellowed out some rubbish!) this morning and made me smile.

Ah bless your neighbour, those people are worth their weight in gold

I go through feeling depressed sometimes (and wanting to self harm not that I really have). I refuse to take meds as I have a number of conditions and would be on so much if I did.
I find the no 1 way out of it is by talking about it.
I tell any bugger that will listen and after I've said it a few times I feel better. Not 100% but a lot better.
Then the usual things like increasing exercise, trying to eat well and deep relaxation all help.

I really hope you feel better soon 💐

Definitely could be related to Hrt. I’m a similar age and feel I’m through the menopause but every now and then get a period of anxiety and depression. Every time I get to the stage of thinking about going to the dr it seems to go. I know how you feel. Some days it’s difficult to put one foot in front of another.