What the fuck is wrong with me?

[ColinRobinsonsFart]

Where do I start?

I am so numb at the moment - I can't get excited about anything. I am trying to look forward to going on holiday but I can hardly gather the enthusiasm to function.
I sleep but I am waking up feeling exhausted. I don't feel refreshed.
The past couple of years have been, on occasion, hard. DH ended up in ITU after a burst bowel leaving him with sepsis and a stoma. He survived but nothing will be as it was.
I was then diagnosed with an autoimmune disease which can leave me bed ridden when I am having a flare.
And now one of my elderly parents has probably got cancer - we are waiting for results.

Today I feel flat - I seem to have lost my ability to see in 3D - it's like I am seeing the world on a screen.

I think I am depressed.

I still laugh though at stuff . I think from the outside I seem ok. I can only let it all show with DH.

I have had some whiskey and Coca Cola to help ( I don't drink as a rule) and that has helped me a bit me.

Why the hell am I doing this.... talking into the void.

Bugger it

I think my problem is I fucked up my HRT - i havent had any for over a week due to problems with getting the prescription ( I have to jump through hoops)

Is this getting sorted now, OP? I ask because from a personal perspective I really wouldn't do well at all without daily oestrogen gel. (I'm a couple of years older than you.) I find it essential for my brain & mood.

I can send you some pro tem if it would help. (You can find me on multiple threads on MN over many years!). Feel free to PM me. (I wish MN had some sort of 'drop box' arrangement!)

Thank you again for your kind words and offers of help.
I picked up my HRT this morning ( two weeks after ordering from GP). DH asked me what I wanted to do today and I was flat and asked him to decide. So he has taken me out to buy new clothes as my old ones are 'rotting away' ( his words). I usually hate shopping for clothes - the lights, the smell, the people. But I am actually enjoying it - I buy things in multiples so I don't have to think about what to wear. I am a stealth shopper!
We have had an all day breakfast and he has bought me a new waterproof jacket.

We are counting the days to getting away (we are taking our caravan into the Scottish Borders ) ... we need it !

I will see what I am like after my holiday and reassess the situation. I am going to down load the book that was mentioned.

I'm pleased you got your HRT finally!

As you've been without for a week, you may benefit from a slightly higher dose today (like 'loading dose', as it were), which is what I do if I have an enforced hiatus.

I ended up buying privately for a while.

Luckily my GP surgery's pharmacy lead sorted me out last year and I now have a six month supply at a time, and can re-order very early.