What happens if you don't want to arrange a funeral? TW language and child abuse.

[dontwanttoarrangethefuneral]

Exactly that. My 'father' although I use the term VERY loosely has died and I am being very heavily leaned on to arrange something for him. And most probably pay for it as well.

I've been n/c with F for almost 30 years so how the hell anyone has got my contact details is well beyond me. At no point would I ever say OK to having any kind of dealings in connection with him. Because he was an evil bastard when me and my siblings were growing up. As soon as I could I changed my name by deed poll, one sibling moved 3000 miles away and the other sibling (who was very much the 'golden child') was so fucked up by him that they are incapable of living independently and live in a care home. 3000 miles sibling also refuses to get involved and sibling #3 wouldn't even understand what a funeral is, let alone arrange and pay for one.

So how can I tell everyone to leave me alone. As far as I am concerned F can rot in hell. I want absolutely nothing to do with F, I definitely don't want to have any part in signing anything or arranging anything. However I'm being hounded by the funeral home to arrange things and being told that if I don't then I am going to be fined and/or arrested.

Just refuse. I imagine the body goes down as unclaimed and there must be a time limit too. If they continue to hassle contact your local MP.

Tell them it's nothing to do with you. Because it isn't.

The local authority will arrange something as a result.

However I'm being hounded by the funeral home to arrange things and being told that if I don't then I am going to be fined and/or arrested

Who is telling you this? if it's the funeral home tell them what you've said above. Just because you share DNA with your father doesn't mean you have a responsibility to arrange and pay for a funeral.

Anyone else you can tell them to talk to?

Can you seek legal advise to see if there is any chance that you would be liable to a fine etc? Although as you are estranged I can't see how this would be the case but it may put your mind at rest.

https://www.goodfuneralguide.co.uk/your-legal-rights-and-responsibilities/

Useful info on here.

Just say no. Explain that you are not willing to take responsibility and they should not contact you again. You don't have to do this.

Refuse to engage further and direct them to the local council.

Who will also try to pressure you into sorting it out. Keep saying no and keep saying you cannot afford it (even if you can).

Are you in England? Or somewhere else else?

Do NOT take any responsibility for this - only if you refuse will the council take on the role for a public health funeral. If you have agreed to anything at all, you're on the hook for the costs.

Tell the funeral home exactly what you've said here - that you and your siblings were estranged from him and as far as you are concerned they can pop him in a skip. They will have heard this before, because you are not the first nor the last. Then they can crack on doing whatever they want.

this makes no sense - the body would not be in a funeral home unless somebody had engaged the undertaker. Otherwise they would be in a public mortary. Whoever engaged the undertaker has agreed to pay.

just tell the funeral home it is nothing to do with you, and you cut all contact decades ago, and are not going to be involved now.

End of conversation

What will happen is the council will arrange it. Probably a direct cremation. Wherever he's living they will deal with disposing if his goods.

But keep pushing back. I bet he left you as his next of kin assuming you'd sort it out.

Whoever engaged the undertaker has agreed to pay

Altho that might be tricky if he was just removed from a hospital or care home.

If you are in the UK you categorically don’t have to do it. I used to organise funerals for a council when there was no-one who could or would do so.
Just say no, please stop contacting you as you won’t be attending. You can maybe say you have no money but you don’t have to, it’s not your obligation. The council will have to organise it and pay for it. If he had any estate they can claim the money back.

"If you do not wish to accept responsibility for organising a funeral, there is no law that will force you to do so, other than the fact that a parent has a duty in common law to bury (i.e., bury or cremate) their child if they can afford to."

👆thats the law. The fineral directors will definitely be aware of this; its their job. They're just wanting to get the body off their hands asap.

Tell the funeral directors hes not your problem and direct them to the local council to arrange a pauper's funeral. Then block them and move on.

Im so sorry your F was a dick

well no, because the funeral home would not just take him, they have to be engaged to take him. Otherwise he stays in the hospital mortuary, or goes to a public mortuary. Nobody just swans in and starts picking up bodies, they agree to, at the behest of the NOK.

@dontwanttoarrangethefuneral - I think you should contact the funeral home by email, telling them that you will not be organising or paying for the funeral - and that, if they contact you again, you will be reporting them to the police for harassment.

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this.

Wee had this last year my DH estranged father died ,and everybody thought it was my DH responsibility ,to register his death organise the funeral ,etc my DH has no contact with him for many years
We found out fortunately that he had pre.paid direct cremation
My DH did eventually register his death but we did it our local register office rather than his ,Dad,s
You can give permission for another family member to do this but I think it has to be in writing
But I think if you really don't want to do it the state would take over .

Agree. The person who arranged for the body to be taken to the funeral home is the one who has taken responsibility.

Tell them to contact that person and that it has nothing to do with you.

Just say what you’ve written here.

“I will not be having anything to do with that man’s remains. I removed myself from his life on purpose.”

Fair enough. I did wonder if he has no relatives that a care home might have had him removed.

Sorry for the dripfeed, I thought I have included everything in the initial post.

It's just us 3. My Mum died many years ago. I'm not sure if F had any more children (and I really hope he didnt), but I have no plans to go looking. For the poster who said about seeking legal advice, I'll get DH to check our house insurance tonight when he gets home from work for legal cover.

Yes, I could technically afford it but I don't want to pay a single penny. It's money I would much rather spend on my husband and kids. 3000 miles sibling is saying the same as me. Sibling #3 doesn't have any money apart from a bit of spending money. Although Sibling #3 is still a huge part of my life, social services arrange their finances and pay the care home. They live in the care home under a liberty safeguard order because they aren't able to keep themselves otherwise. The definitely don't understand what money even is

Have you inherited anything? I am wondering if the expectation is that the funeral costs will be paid for by the estate, and as either the executor or beneficiary they may be chasing you? Just a guess though.

It doesn’t matter if you have money or will inherit money, you can still absolutely say no and people do all the time.

No no no.thats it. Hope the bastard rots in hell. Stay firm. Many sympathies to you all. I hope after this you can put the piece of work behind you and know it's over. No law in the land to say he is any of your responsibility.💐

If you didn’t engage the funeral home then just push back as posters above have said, explain the background and say you’re not getting involved and don’t call you again or you’ll be complaining.

If you did ask them to uplift the body from hospital / care home, then I suggest you take legal advice.

It depends on how he died. A relative was taken to a funeral home by the police when they were found dead. The funeral in question had a contract with the Coroner's Office and kept the body until we decided on which funeral director to use.

All that to say it might haver been an official decision to take him to the funeral home. Regardless OP it is not your legal duty to step in, just decline to be involved.