What happens if you don't want to arrange a funeral? TW language and child abuse.

[dontwanttoarrangethefuneral]

Exactly that. My 'father' although I use the term VERY loosely has died and I am being very heavily leaned on to arrange something for him. And most probably pay for it as well.

I've been n/c with F for almost 30 years so how the hell anyone has got my contact details is well beyond me. At no point would I ever say OK to having any kind of dealings in connection with him. Because he was an evil bastard when me and my siblings were growing up. As soon as I could I changed my name by deed poll, one sibling moved 3000 miles away and the other sibling (who was very much the 'golden child') was so fucked up by him that they are incapable of living independently and live in a care home. 3000 miles sibling also refuses to get involved and sibling #3 wouldn't even understand what a funeral is, let alone arrange and pay for one.

So how can I tell everyone to leave me alone. As far as I am concerned F can rot in hell. I want absolutely nothing to do with F, I definitely don't want to have any part in signing anything or arranging anything. However I'm being hounded by the funeral home to arrange things and being told that if I don't then I am going to be fined and/or arrested.

@dontwanttoarrangethefuneral have a look at these resources, neither you nor your siblings need to arrange/pay for the funeral.

Refer the funeral home to the Public Health (Control of Disease) Act 1984

how to request a Public health funeral
https://www.poppysfunerals.co.uk/talking-death/your-complete-guide-to-public-health-funerals/

refer the funeral home to; Public Health (Control of Diseases) Act 1984 Section 46.
https://www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/1984/22/section/46

Burial and cremation.
(1)It shall be the duty of a local authority to cause to be buried or cremated the body of any person who has died or been found dead in their area, in any case where it appears to the authority that no suitable arrangements for the disposal of the body have been or are being made otherwise than by the authority.

Just put “ this has nothing to do with me” on repeat on anything and everything you receive. No more explanation , nothing but ‘ this has nothing to do with me’
Whoever is contacting you will soon get the message.

Assuming you're in the UK, make a complaint about the funeral home

https://www.nafd.org.uk/complaints/how-the-nafd-handles-complaints/

Nailed it

Don't engage with the funeral home

And report them

Block anyone else trying to contact you

I'd be asking how they got your details, are you listed as a conract at the carehome, who arranged for him to even have a funeral and appoint a funeral director. Just say no, it's not your responsibility to sort this out. Arrested for what?

Arrested for what?

Probably someone at the funeral home knows there are laws covering burials so reckons anyone refusing to arrange one is breaking the law somehow and 'can be arrested.'

Although preventing a burial is an offence, it's not what the OP is doing.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Preventing_the_lawful_burial_of_a_body

The funeral home have a lot to answer for here.

I agree with PP, direct them to the LA.

I hope you manage to wash your hands of this soon OP.

Absolutely this.
No need for legal advice. Legally the whole situation has nothing to do with you. I might be tempted to just not respond at all, completely ignore, there’s nothing anyone can do. But then I’d be wanting to be awkward. But there will be no fines, legal action or anything else for you to deal with.

Ignore the fuckers, nothing they can do.

Who contacted you to inform you of the death? How did they find you if you had legally changed your name? Does he have an estate? If so the money from that should pay for it. If not the council will cremate him. Assuming you are in the UK you can't be fined for not paying for someone's funeral.
The "funeral director" is bullshitting, which makes me wonder if your being scammed somehow.
Just send a warning message that you will contact the police, block their number, then carry on living your life x

Could it be your sibling or a carer for them that has arranged for the body to be taken to the funeral home? That could be how they’ve got your details.

is there someone who looks after your sibling who you could talk to - just would be worried if they are a vulnerable adult they might get hassled next by the funeral directors and might be worth making sure whoever looks after their finances knows what’s going on.

"This has nothing to do with me".

On repeat.

Nobody can force you to do anything like this. Whoever is threatening you with legal consequences should be reported to their professional body (I'm assuming it's the undertaker). Citizens Advice might help you there.

I'm wondering if someone is trying to scam you. Because unless someone has arranged for him to go to the funeral home, he should be in a public mortuary and will be dealt with by the state.

You have no legal obligation to take responsibility, and can refuse to do so. If no one takes responsibility the state will arrange for his remains to be dealt with.

Does he have a partner perhaps that is trying to guilt you in to dealing with it and had therefore supplied your details? Are you sure he is even dead?

This hassle from the funeral home sounds dodgy. Send them one last reply telling them that you will have no involvement and that if they contact you again you will consider it to be harrassment and inform the police.
They will have to contact the local authority, who then arrange burial or cremation. But funeral directors know this...

Who told you he has died, let them sort it.

I remember my father being worried as my mother was the eldest of 4,and as the eldest was she responsible for the bodies and then the funerals of her parents when they passed?

He said he'd rather go bankrupt than pay a penny for them in death

(No love lost at all between them!she was an evil bitch)

He was told,that no,she wasn't responsible at all-who ever made a 'claim' on the body had to deal with everything

If nobody did,the council would deal with everything (the cheapest funeral they can get away with)

That info came in very handy when my grandmother did die-my mothers sister swooped in,sorted everything out and then tried to make the other siblings cough up their share of the bill

She was soon told to jog on-she'd turned it into a 'her' problem and not a 'shared between the siblings' problem

I'm not sure who did what when my grandfather passed as I was nc with them by then

I'm the same as you-when my parents pass,I won't have anything to do with it (I know they have bought their funerals but I won't be lifting a finger to help sort it out)

My golden child brothers can deal with them

Very good insight from @MrsDanversGlidesAgain !

OP, how did your father’s body reach the funeral home? Where did he die?

Apparently the funeral industry, for such it is, is not regulated. This became obvious in the fall out from those undertakers who weren't keeping bodies properly that was in the news recently. It does need regulation and this rubbish of threatening OP with arrest etc is further evidence of that. Poor practice would be putting it mildly.

OP, you aren't preventing the proper disposal of a body or any of those things which are against the law, quite correctly. A link above says that the person who engages the funeral director is responsible for the costs so, unless you did that, this is nothing to do with you.

Don't give an inch.

Who is leaning on you?

Report the funeral home for harassment to 101. Then don't answer any more calls, block them or just change your number altogether as someone has gotten hold of your current one. So sorry you're being put through this.

Just getting back to this after the whole homework/reading/tea/baths/bed chaos that comes with a busy family.

I have no idea how he died, where he died, who arranged the funeral home, anything. I have no idea if there is a wife or partner lurking in the wings either. I don't even know how my details were passed on. I know absolutely nothing and quite frankly don't want to know. I've told the funeral home this. Repeatedly.
From what I remember of him, he was very much one of life's scroungers. He probably conned someone into doing his bidding and then told that person/place/company e.t.c that his daughter would pick up the tab. He was VERY big on family loyalty and duties- all one sided of course. The funeral home have shared enough with me I.e. his name and d.o.b to absolutely confirm its him.

If there is an inheritance which I highly doubt then I want no part if it. For all I care, anything left to me can be flushed down the toilet or stuck on a bonfire.

I've spoken to DH. He's going to ring the funeral home tomorrow morning and point out what a lot of people have said on this thread- that I have been estranged for many years, I have no legal obligation to arrange anything, they can deal with the body and can they please leave me alone. He's quite prepared to take it further.

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to respond. I'll probably name change after this post and try and get back to what I have been trying to do for the past 30 years I.e. totally forget about him.

Oh OP glad you’ve got Dh to take over the argument with the funeral home.

Has his death been registered? If so, by who? Over to him/her.

Glad to hear DG is sorting. Do not pay a penny here! Not your problem

It's not uncommon for a care home and others to arrange for a body to be collected by a funeral home without being responsible for arrangements or payment. Why the funeral homes agree I don't know. Maybe they hope the business will stay with them as they have the body.

I worked in a local authority with someone who arranged funerals so have seen this many times. A local authority may have a contract with a specific funeral provider. If that's the case they will arrange with their provider to collect the body from the first funeral provider who will be paid for their collection and arrangements will carry on with the new one.

Funeral homes will be aware of the law. If your DH hasn't already contacted them and is still going to do so he can tell them to contact the LA as it's their responsibility or if he died in hospital it falls with the hospital unless they have an arrangement with the LA. Personally I would block them.

Oh, this must have stirred up a hornets nest of feelings OP. I don't know why they won't listen to you. I'm glad you have support in your DH, though really the FH should have just taken your refusal and moved on.