Your son is your son until he finds a wife

[OhLaurie]

How apt is this for modern day life?

I remember my MIL used to say this many years ago. Not in a mean way as she was lovely, we got on well and I would always include my in-laws in many family events etc but I suppose my dh did spend more time at my family home when we were younger, rather than at his family home (we have been together since the age of 17).

My mum’s best friend (who has two grown ds) says a similar thing. My parents have two daughters and we are all close still. My mum’s other bf has a son and daughter and is much closer to her daughter than her son and I notice, in the lives of most of my couple friends, the women are more closer to their parents (or at least spend more time with them) than the males.

My ds is almost 19 and has had a girlfriend. Slowly he is spending more and more time round her family home than ours. It sadness me a little as we’ve always had a good family relationship but she is a nice girl and I’m happy that he is happy, as parents that’s all we can wish for I suppose.

If you have teen or grown sons with partners, what has been your experience? Does the saying ‘Your son is your son until he finds a wife’ apply to your life?

It's true in my experience.

I think it is nonsense from what I've seen in my family. My brother is just as close with my mum and dad as I am.

I think if you have that attitude it's what you end up with as you push the DIL away rather than welcoming them in to the family etc.

JadziaD
Totally agree the only thing I’d disagree with is that generally when eg dh here is over with mil it’s that he’s doing jobs to help her, so she’d need him as much as me, so it’s not that he’s just getting mum time, he might be eg fixing stuff or cutting her hedge or unclogging something so can’t really have the kids there (unless someone can help!)

Self fulfilling prophecy in our family because my mum makes it very clear that she expects my SiL to do the wife work, send cards and presents, make arrangements etc but my brother does it however since all he gets is criticism of his wife not doing it he's pulled away.

I think the issue with a DH who goes off to his mothers to constantly do jobs is that it's totally fine if it doesn't cause problems elsewhere. But, if he's so busy prioritising her that he's letting things slide at home, then it IS a problem which, briefly, was what was happening with us (but is now fixed because when I brought it up, DH realised I was right, and has made more effort to more thoughtful about this now).

But actually, i was talking about it because I was interested in your point about how it can be a bit of a double standard - women with mum = lovely , man with mum = mummy's boy. And I agree, that double standard can be really unpleasant and annoying. BUT I think that it's also true that there's a higher chance that a man who is with his mother is JUST with his mother while a woman is often with her DC or getting chores done etc. eg DH will take MIL out, but he'll seldom take her AND the DC out. With my parents on the other hand, I'm with them AND my DC or I'm having lunch with them in town but we're doing the shopping, picking up new school uniforms, organising christmas presents or whatever.

It depends so much on personality and relationships. I think teenage / young men tend to be besotted with their girlfriends and their girlfriends are usually more involved with their own family so the lad spends more time with them to begin with. I have to be honest, I wasn’t keen to spend much time with my in laws because they were very different form my family.
I have a really good relationship with my own sons and we see plenty of them, but in their teenage/early 20s years I accepted that I needed to initiate most of the communication/ offer of meals etc. Making the effort to maintain communication in those years pays off as they get older, and they initiate a lot now. I am happy to make more effort than them if needed. Bottom line is, a lot of men don’t communicate as much as women, so either you do it or you accept when they don’t.
I get on really well with my DILs, who are lovely.
Being a mother of sons is a fine balance of not being too demanding but not letting yourself be walked over in favour of the DILs family either.

I've got four daughters and my eldest 18 spends more time at her bfs house then here so it's all crap! Saying that if it had been a choice of four daughters or four sons I'm glad I had girls but that's personal preference.

* JadziaD*

think the issue with a DH who goes off to his mothers to constantly do jobs is that it's totally fine if it doesn't cause problems elsewhere. But, if he's so busy prioritising her that he's letting things slide at home, then it IS a problem which, briefly, was what was happening with us
Ah right ok, different strokes for different folks- I’d always tell him to prioritise his mother as she’s fairly unable to do a lot whereas I can manage here. (Also if my mum lived nearby dh wouldn’t see me😅😅😅)

haha. Yes, I guess depends on each situation. In our case, MIL has form for being a bit demanding and expecting DH to drop everything at short notice, with the result being that at one point I was doing 95% of all childcare outside of working hours, as well as the vast bulk of any and all chores at home ... even though he's the part time worker and I work full time. So yes, I was getting a bit resentful as I was having to either cut into my work day, or landed up spending a lot more time in the evenings because the washing/cleaning/cooking etc was all on me when it's normally more evenly split. Plus the DC, DD in particular, were upset as they weren't spending time with him as he's usualy very present.

To be fair, she's not unreasonable so now when Dh says, "of course I can do that mum but it will have to be tomorrow" she's totally fine with it. He's also a people pleaser so the combination meant they were being selfish, without either of them actually meaning to be!

One thing that occurs to me, especially with younger people, there is a natural tendency I think for girls to stay closer to home generally. Often they are given less independence or it comes a bit later as they're perceived as being at more risk. And we know that a lot of girls choose not to spend time out and about in the same way boys do because they don't feel comfortable. It's extremely unfair, but it is true.

I notice that our house is often filled with teenage boys. And quite often DS and his buddies will tell me they're going to "Jane's" house or whatever... but the girls seldom come here or, from what I can tell, to any of the boys' houses. I am not sure if that's parental preference or the girls' themselves, but it might be one aspect of older teenagers tending to gravitate towards the girlfriend's house? ie when they're younger, that's the preference from the parents and it sort of sticks?

Maybe you know a lot of people doing very gendered socialisation?

What, you mean most of the human race?

You know the whole human race?

this! my son is almost 40 now, has a lovely wife and our relationship is still amazing.

Oh wow, you win. Good argument.

I think it’s a 50/50 personality v how they where raised. Leading to if they keep in touch as much or not.

If you’ve got an adult child who’s more laid back life’s life go with the flow they probably would call less and spend their time in the right here right now what’s in front of their faces. No malice just no radar.

If they were raised where it was always mums family, never dads. Mum always did all the family life admin etc etc they will see that as normal and if their gf’s/wives are the ones who deal with contact as say he cnba then of course it’s more going to hers/her parents.

From my own experience, Ex bf his parents house it was much more chill. My dh we avoided his parents house for mine/my parents. As it was stifling at his, like being in best behaviour at the headmasters office. Still feels like that now after 18 years. Where as mine is say what you think, wacky games, music, pools and such.

I can see it with my children too with my in-laws vs my parents. “Going to Nannie’s!” Which one? “Dads” oh…. They see it equally as not fun so the memes of With dads family vs with mums are very accurate but that’s because his family are just frankly so stiff and boring.

You seem to be ignoring the large numbers of posters on here saying the opposite, which suggests a determination to view this as some kind of innate issue.

A ridiculous, outdated phrase which lets sons 'off the hook' with all family responsibilities or maintaining relationships once they are married and puts it all onto women.

We shouldn't have twee rhymes for this type of shit.

To elaborate on my post above, I'm the only female in a family with several male siblings. My mum used to say this to me with a smile on her face as if it was a lovely sentimental thing about having a daughter.

It's really not.

It means there is a constant expectation on me being the one to stay in touch and care for them all, despite the fact that I live hundreds of miles away and all of my brothers are closer. My brothers don't have the same expectations on them.

I hate this phrase.

JadziaD
ah ok, mil is a legend, would give you her last euro, has taught the kids some cool stuff and hobbled into the hospital to watch the kids when various disasters struck!!! Strong, fab woman, just unfortunately her body has messed her over (she’s only in her 60s but has had spine and back issues all her life)

It's 100% true in every relationship in my family/ friends/ co workers circle between sons and their parents/ wider family. They are all just closer to the females family because the female makes the effort and it's just easier for the men to go along with it 🙅‍♀️

There's also lots of studies out there. I researched this a little for uni. If anyone is interested check out the 'maternal grandparent advantage', and the myriad of reasons why this is very common.

@ItsHardknocklife

It's not 'all crap' at all. 🙄 Many posters have said it is their experience, and that of many people they know.

Wait til your daughter is married/has kids. Loads of teenage girls spend time at their boyfriend's. That is not rare. Once she has kids she will be at yours a lot more than her husband's parents house! You just wait and see!

No I don't think it makes a difference whether it is your daughter or son. I have an adult son and an adult daughter.
Both rarely contact me or want to spend time with me now they have partners.

It's bullsh*t. I never wanted to see my parents, but got on well with my in laws.
As I so often say on here, everyone is different......