Your son is your son until he finds a wife

[OhLaurie]

How apt is this for modern day life?

I remember my MIL used to say this many years ago. Not in a mean way as she was lovely, we got on well and I would always include my in-laws in many family events etc but I suppose my dh did spend more time at my family home when we were younger, rather than at his family home (we have been together since the age of 17).

My mum’s best friend (who has two grown ds) says a similar thing. My parents have two daughters and we are all close still. My mum’s other bf has a son and daughter and is much closer to her daughter than her son and I notice, in the lives of most of my couple friends, the women are more closer to their parents (or at least spend more time with them) than the males.

My ds is almost 19 and has had a girlfriend. Slowly he is spending more and more time round her family home than ours. It sadness me a little as we’ve always had a good family relationship but she is a nice girl and I’m happy that he is happy, as parents that’s all we can wish for I suppose.

If you have teen or grown sons with partners, what has been your experience? Does the saying ‘Your son is your son until he finds a wife’ apply to your life?

I think it is absolutely true that overall, the percentage of men who make an effort with their parents is lower than the percentage of women who do. Doesn't mean it's definitive by any stretch of the imagination - and certainly, my DH is very involved with his parents and family and makes an effort etc.

I think it's also true that because men have often been quite happy to let all the mental load of extended family relationships fall to the women, over time, there can be a slippage with his birth family as the woman feels resentful (or just can't be bothered) at having to do it for his family too.

But as I said, it's not always true and I think that really, it shouldn't be true. I think it's much better and healthier for a more equitable arrangement to be in place.

Having said that, I recently came across this concept of "boy moms" on tik tok and some of these people are CRAZY so you can see why a man and/or his wife would want to distance themselves!

@loppu what a great photo! The bride has just realised what’s she letting herself in for and mama on the right is not 😀

I must admit I had never heard this saying until I joined MN.

Nonsense. Mil sees us weekly and speaks to DH most days / every other day. She messages me too. My sister sees her MIL loads. We both see our own Mom plenty. My MIL was invited to my sister's husband's party and my other sisters engagement party, as was my sister's MIL.

The friends I know who have rocky relationships with their MIL are ones where they're overly interfering or no one is good enough for their darling boy or there's a difficult relationship with the son from teen years.

My MIL said this but she also said you just feel more love for your daughter than your son, in her case it became a self fulfilling prophecy. She didn't show it so didn't get it back.

I've three grown up sons. It's utter rubbish.

I think it’s very accurate. I can’t think of any family where it hasn’t gone somewhat like this. The difference might be where there are only sons, so no daughter for comparison and to take that role as the main person going back into the parents home regularly. But if there’s daughters, then the sons tend to build their life more around their in-laws by nature rather than design.

People hate this saying and deny its basis but that doesn’t mean it’s not true.

It's true in my experience with my OH and other family and friends.

This. ^ It is largely true. Most men CBA with keeping contact/making effort, and most women do. IME and that of most others I know, the parents of daughters are in the lives more/much closer to their daughter(s,) than parents of sons are to their sons...

I know people rush to these threads to say it's 'bollocks' and 'nonsense,' and 'rubbish,' and they are super close to their sons etc etc etc. But you will quite often find - even if this is true, that the mothers of sons will be making a large amount of effort to keep up contact and stay in the lives of their son and daughter-in-law. With mums of daughters, the contact is natural, organic, and free-flowing. No effort is needed. It just happens.

I know loads of people who struggle to be part of their son and daughter-in-laws lives, but none who struggle to be part of their daughter and son-in-law's lives. I am constantly seeing middle aged and older women with adult daughters (and the grandchildren,) out and about, shopping, having pub lunches and meals, going to the park with the kids, having coffees together, going to the cinema together etc. I never see women with their adult sons doing the same. (OR doing the same with their daughter-in-law. The daughter-in-law is far more likely to be with her own mother!)

I do think (as a pp touched on,) that if the son is the only child, then he is more likely to make effort with his parents than if he is one of 2 or more children. But even then, his wife's family will be in the lives of him and his wife more than his own parents.

I dunno but take an interest in such matters as i have sons myself.

However my DH is FAR closer to his DM than I am to mine. As are his brothers.

A son's a son til he takes a wife, a daughter is a daughter for life.

It's an old saying that's been bastardised over time.
What it really means is when a man marries. he becomes solely responsible for his wife (and subsequent children), whereas when a woman marries she not only looks after her husband (and children) but she's also still expected to be responsible for looking after her parents in their dotage.
(not sure how that works for male-only children, but that's what I read somewhere!)
Basically, it was an easier life for men, more drudge for women.

Anecdotally this isn’t true of the men in my family.

Even my maternal grandfather, who moved a 12 hour journey from where he grew up back in the 1950’s, would regularly speak to his mum and she came to stay 3 times a year, for a month each time.

It can be a self-fulfilling prophecy. My MIL has this attitude deeply ingrained in her.

As soon as DH and I got serious she basically assumed that he wouldn’t be as much part of the family. My parents are both dead, so it was a bit of a wrong assumption really.

So things like she has never asked us round at Christmas or come to ours despite being asked.

She does very much run after SIL and SIL’s husband though. Always goes to Christmas there.

I didn’t really understand it because they don’t get on that well. But then I remembered the saying and realised she’s just proceeding according to some preconceived notion.

FIL said something to DH when we moved in together along the lines of “well I’m glad this is going well for you son, because your mother and I won’t be here forever”. And the penny really dropped then.

I asked DH’s parents round a few times when we first got together, for an evening meal or tea/cakes type thing.

One time they turned up half an hour early, let themselves in with the spare key then scarpered leaving a packet of biscuits. I had nipped out for milk and got back fifteen minutes before they were due round.

Have tried numerous things like asking a wider family group round, taking everyone out for a meal out, or meeting for coffee etc. But really nothing, despite DH saying she opens up to me in a way he’s never seen her open up to anyone else, because I relate to her as a person rather than a role.

Mind you, she isn’t really one for company- for a big wedding anniversary she asked every close family member (children, siblings) what they’d like to do. Lots of different answers, from meal out to theatre trip to wildlife park, so she bought tickets/vouchers for each thing and presented them to each family unit, so they could go off and have a nice outing on their own without her or FIL.

Meant to add, my MiL (who has boys) has used this saying over the years, as a kind of slur on women taking their precious boys away; but what it really meant was a shift of responsibility for men and more responsibly and work for women.

I don't agree with this at all. We were bar far closer to MIL than we were to my mum.

It's mil my children still speak of with love and care as she was a part od their childhood somewhere they received unconditional love.

She has been gone 5 years and not a day goes by where I dont miss her.

Nonsense. Just because something rhymes it doesn't make it a fact.

There's something in it. Of course not always true- my dh couldn't be a better son to mil. But in my experience it's usually dd taking on most of the caring for elderly parents.

Those men who are like that are like that because they've been brought up like that.

Men who have been brought up not to believe that sort of bollocks tend not to behave in that way.

I know loads of people who struggle to be part of their son and daughter-in-laws lives, but none who struggle to be part of their daughter and son-in-law's lives. I am constantly seeing middle aged and older women with adult daughters (and the grandchildren,) out and about, shopping, having pub lunches and meals, going to the park with the kids, having coffees together, going to the cinema together etc. I never see women with their adult sons doing the same. (OR doing the same with their daughter-in-law. The daughter-in-law is far more likely to be with her own mother!)

I would agree with this overall, even though it's not true at all as it turns out for either my DH or, when my mother was alive, my brother. Also, both my DH and my brother have good relationships with their fathers and do things with them. But it is true that both my mother and my MIL were/are very conscious that compared to many of their friends, they were/are lucky to have sons who does stuff with them.

Also, both DH's brother and my other brother are the types who had/have very little time for their respective mothers. MIL did a lot for BIL and his wife when their DC were small but it was 100% managed by SIL. As for my brother, to hear him talk, our mother was a huge burden and a pain etc etc... he saw her for a maximum of 2 weeks a year for the 20 years before she died. wanker.

I think it’s true to a point depending on the wife- sure look at mn- he talks to his mum and he’s a ‘mummy’s boy’ whereas the wife goes shopping and sees her mum/ talks to her all the time and it’s lovely! On Mother’s Day if they have a child together then they’re going to spend the day celebrating, weddings are seen as the bride’s day and so the mil wouldn’t be as involved. it’s also a given because it’s difficult to split time when there’s more people involved

I don’t think it’s a given but definitely think it holds water with a lot of people. The one think I find sad on mn is that people never realise one day they will be the mil.

Why does your son spending time with his girlfriend mean he is not your son anymore?

It's normal for your children to spend more time with partners and friends at 19 than at home. It's also okay for them to spend more time with their partners family, that doesn't mean you have lost them or they are no longer your son.

If an adult man doesn't spend time with his parents, and doesn't contact them that is between him and his parents. It's nothing to do with his partner

I partly agree with this but I also think that often on MN and in real life, where the man is a "mummy\s boy" the issue is often that he is so busy with his mother, he lets his own family slide.

DH is actually brilliant, but we did have to have a chat last year because he was so busy off helping his mum, that I was really struggling to keep up with everything at home. In our case, that was a doable chat. But too often, when the women is wth her mum, she's ALSO got the DC, doing the chorse etc. The man on the other hand is off for a day with his mum, no chores are done, no children are present etc.

I think it's accurate. Everyone on MN gets very upset when you mention it because they take it personally for some reason- as though THEIR son is going to disappear. But my observation is generally that the wife leads the family life which also generally means she chooses where they live, who they spend most time with etc. she is also far more likely to be the social secretary of the relationship so will be the one to make plans which inevitably means she is more likely to make plans with her own family. It's a stereotype but generally men seem to apply the "happy wife happy life" principle and let their wives lead the family domain. Obviously a simplification and a generalisation but it's certainly the trend I notice with all my family and friends.

I used to think it was a load of rubbish. Until my brother got married! He used to be the closest of us siblings to my mum, since he got married we barely saw him and struggle to arrange anything together as a family. Whereas he and his wife and now kids spend so much time with his wife's parents. Sad really, as he has the only grandchildren and my parents miss him/them.

True in our family.
DH & BIL didn’t often arrange to visit PIL, they never came for Christmas or anything. We, and my sisters, spend more time with DM whereas our brother spends more time with SIL family.