Can a friendship last when one friend is much wealthier

[Richfriendpoorfriend]

I'm the poor friend. I'm not trying to "keep up with the Joneses" as I can't but it's getting to me. I don't want to feel resentful but the gap between us is widening and differences are now showing. I feel that money is giving access for her children to opportunities that mine won't have and I feel like we're growing apart gradually as I'm just not in the same place financially.

I can't afford to do for example weekend breaks or spa days that I've been asked on. I have to step back subtly from group invites I can't afford like gigs with expensive tickets (Taylor Swift won't be happening for me. I'll just wear a cowboy hat at home!). I drive an old banger car and wear cheap clothes. I feel like I look noticeably "cheaper" too. Maybe it's in my head but I worry that the gap is growing ever wider and we won't be able to continue without my feeling on the back foot all the time.

Can a friendship endure despite a lack of financial parity?

Lots of friendships can, but it very much depends on the individuals.

I understand how you must feel as regards her kids getting opportunities you can't afford for yours.

I've been in that situation and it's hard.

However, you just need to try and flip it around where you can.

One of my very wealthy friends has an only child at private school. But she commutes into London each day and spends very little time with her child and has no time for play dates.

I have a lot less money than my friend, can't afford private school or ski lessons....but my kid has siblings to play with, and I work part time and do lots of play dates.

Money does make the world go round unfortunately.....but there is far more to it than that.

Just do the best you can for your kids, and you can't go wrong. And try and think of someway that you've got things better than your friend. It might help even the score a bit in your mind, so you can continue the friendship without feeling resentful.

If she's a good friend hopefully you can get past it. But I do understand the way you feel.

Forgot to add - her son is lonely. He doesn't care about the private school or ski lessons. He wants to spend time with his mum and have his mates round to play.

She is doing what she feels is best for him, but i can see he is lonely.

Young kids don't care about money.

I think some of it depends on how much of the friendship relies on the children getting on - having very different upbringings and opportunities will make it harder to socialise as they get older. It also requires the ‘wealthier’ friend to have some self awareness and general awareness that others might not have the cash available to do certain things. Finally the ‘poorer’ friend needs to be confident that financial circumstances are low down on the list of things their friends value about them and feel good about what they bring to the friendship

I have the exact same issue actually. I really like my friend but tbh I am flaky with her as sometimes I can't bring myself to hear about her privileged life. I've stopped reaching out as much as I've been in a crap situation financially recently and it's too depressing hearing about her holidays and £900 she spent on a bag. The richer she gets the less filter she has about all her money.

Like the other poster mentioned above, the DC suffers for those full on jobs. My friends child are desperate for her attention, you can see it all over them. She works until 10 some nights whilst the nanny looks after them. You couldn't pay me anything to have a job like that at the expense of my children.

It still makes the friendship very hard. Even when you like them. I don't think mine will last as she's getting away with the fairies more and more. I say this because she can buy her way out of so many problems. I hope yours can be salvaged.

Honestly I don’t think it’s easy to maintain friendships when circumstances make each other’s lives very very different. Whatever causes those differences

It depends on the people. My two closest mum friends when our kids were small, were very much better of than I was. Big houses, horses in one case, trips to US Disney etc, while we couldn't run to a holiday at all for the first few years, and even after then it was just a caravan on a small site.

But neither of them 'acted' wealthy. They were both down to earth, we only socialised by going to each others houses or occasionally to a park, so no difficulties expense-wise for me. And although they had big houses, they didn't flash the cash in furnishings or general lifestyle giveaways like expensive clothes. You wouldn't have thought 'money' to look at them.
They were lovely friends.

I think the only time I cared was the Disney thing, when after one of them had returned, my four year old looked up at a plane above us, and wistfully said "I wonder if that plane is going to Disneyland?" That was when we couldn't even afford a caravan. I felt I'd let her down.😕

I’m the rich friend. And i lost so many friends because of this. Personally i think its really hard to keep up. Not only for you but for her aswell. Because she cant do anything she wants, she need to check on you all the time.

my bestfriend for 15years have similar income like me. So we can spend anything we like without feel bad to each other. We both like food and we spent a lot trying expensive restaurants.

It used to be 3 of us. With one friend not in the same financially and she feel left out, even though me and my other friend always go to whatever she choose. In the end she left us. She always felt she is different. Not wearing the expensive brand, designer bags, etc. So its only two of us and we can be more like ourselves.

its not impossible though but its hard to maintain. Need a bigger person to be able to maintain this friendship. And unfortunately i dont think you are that kind of person OP because you already feel you are different.

She always felt she is different. Not wearing the expensive brand, designer bags, etc

I'm so glad that my rich friends weren't into those things. I'd have felt very much the poor relation if they had.
The one with horses was scruffier then me!

Yes

One of my oldest friends is very wealthy, hugely impressive career , massive house, holidays, kids all went to a very posh private school.
I live in a 3 bed ex council house semi, kids went to local comp... and most holidays were in a tent when they were kids.

We are still great friends. I watch her career trajectory with pride and awe, but wouldn't want that myself. I'm part time as a TA and look after my grandchild the rest of the week, walk my dog, dig my allotment and am content with a simple life.
We met when the kids were babies.

Perhaps the difference is that she hasn't changed..she's still the funny, warm, intelligent but unpretentious person she was when we met. I haven't changed either

If acting ‘more like yourself’ is a matter of designer bags, I think your former friend may have decamped because you were a shallow, materialistic bore.

I've not really thought about it a great deal before tbh but now that I am, I've just realised all our friends are wealthier than us/have comparatively 'nicer' lifestyles in terms of disposable income. We really are the poor friends! Even though we are both well educated and DH has a professional job in healthcare. I have to accept though that some of it is due to choices we made, like having children fairly young, and the number of children we've decided to have, and the area we've decided to live in, etc. Some of it is just misfortune such as the times we live in re: house prices/cost of living, my history of poor health, and the fact that I have ASD which I have found has made getting a professional job/training position impossible because I just cannot shine in competitive job interviews with the ways it affects me.

Anyway, sometimes we do get invited to things we can't comfortably afford, we decline and explain why. I don't feel bad about it. A few of our friends that we don't see very often always insist on paying for us if we meet up for drinks or whatever too. That is a little embarrassing but I try to remember it's a kind gesture and they must think less of us or they wouldn't want to meet up at all, nevermind paying for it.

Our kids, where they have them, are all still young so I imagine the disparity there will be more visible as they age. Atm it's only really foreign hols that my DC miss out on compared to our friends/their peers and I don't feel that bothered about that as neither me nor DH had those as young children anyway.

Yes it can! Depending on the friend.

One of my besties is the OPPOSITE of me. She’s loaded with a face full of expensive filler, big ass detached house, holidays abroad 5-6x a year, rental properties, wears high heels everywhere, a Range Rover with three XL bully dogs (hate them dogs). She looks like she’s stepped off Love Island and has a walk in closet filled to the brim with designer gear, white carpets, and she works out daily.

Me on the other hand has 2 kids. Live in an Edwardian terrace. Work part time. Dog is a spaniel. Never wears heels unless a rare night out, has 1 holiday a year, no fillers/botox and drives a 17 year old car. Plus my handbag is now a nappy bag whereas hers is Gucci.

Our lifestyles are opposite.

Yet we speak everyday practically and meet up often.

She is the funniest and kindest person. Shes entirely self made which helps as she knows the value of a pound. Shes a hard worker and often works 6-7 days. So she values work. She’s generous and will gift the most thoughtful presents. She mature and savvy. She is incredibly open minded and has ‘lived’. She was once a carer on minimum wage and now a very high up professional.

I’m going on holiday to a caravan with the kids this year. Her and her husband are going to Hawaii. Because she appreciates the value of a pound she is instead excited for us and our first holiday as a family of 4. She’s bought my kids new matching outfits for holiday and gifted me and DP a bottle of champagne to drink on our first night there to celebrate surviving the post partum period with our new baby. So I don’t feel shit about her going long haul 5* whilst I’m in a caravan because her attitude has made me feel good about myself and my little caravan holiday.

She encourages me in my career. Even proof reading assignments I’ve done.
She supports my kids and comes to every birthday/event.
She knows I’m skint on maternity leave so has booked us a spa break on her.

We regularly go to each others houses and just banter about crap and gossip about our work dramas or have deep discussions about random crap like reincarnation.

long winded but my point is, friendships can work with disparity of income or anything else really. It all depends on mutual interests and attitudes.

My rich best friend of over 20 years is one of the best, kindest, genuine loveliest people I have the privilege to know and call my friend.

We are equal in our friendship. It took a few years to make this so as she gave very generous presents to my whole family.
I could not reciprocate and so I weaned her from this so now there are no gifts given as I couldn’t match.

We meet up as two equal women who love each other’s company, have interests in common (cake mainly) kids similar age, ups and downs in life that we support each other through.

Finances do not ever come into our sphere of view.
we do pub teas, cheap, cheerful and a great spot half way for her &me.
She is very humble despite her wealth, she is very very down to earth and I never cry poverty ever, we just don’t talk about money.

I agree, it depends on the people.

It depends on what kind of lifestyle each wants to lead. If one person wants to do spa days and fancy meals as the foundation of a friendship and one can't afford it, it probably won't work. If someone wants to go for a walk in the park with a nice coffee together afterwards, it can work.

I think it just depends. We are an ordinary middle income family. Not struggling- not remotely flashy, room for treats. I have a very wealthy friend. I don’t resent her for any of it. I’m happy with my lot and I also enjoy visiting her and splashing out on a rare expensive meal or afternoon tea with her.

But I have a friend who is really struggling for money, very precarious financial situation. She is living in poverty now really struggling to pay basic bills, cutting back on her food bill and living off pennies by the end of the week. We’ll always be friends but ultimately we can’t be close friends like we used to be. I can’t talk anything that’s going on in my life because it all seems madly privileged. Going out for coffee is a treat for her at this point and some resentment about the way her life has gone. There are a lot of crisis points. My problems are trivial in comparison. It’s just difficult because the void is too large. It would be different if she wasn’t struggling so much.

I think if everyone is happy with their life then income differences don’t matter in friendship.

@mollyfolk is your poor friend a close friend?

If one of my close friends suddenly fell into such poverty I’d be bringing them a food shop and buying them the odd cuppa and a listening ear for some relief.

Of course not if they were always prone to financial issues due to feckless behaviour but if my friend was in sudden poverty I’d be there to support, not distance myself.

@Mammacita1 - yes an old childhood friend, I don’t distance myself and I help when I can, although it has been a slow slide and there are complicating factors. She has lost a lot of friends because her decision making can be poor. But I understand that’s what happens when you are crushed by the stress of survival.

But the relationship is different now.

@mollyfolk oh right I see. Poor woman. Life can be so rough sometimes for some people 😔

My two closest friends of 20 years+ and I have all been through peaks and troughs financially - there have been times when every one of us have been really up against it, and the others have been doing well.

During those times, activities are catered to the one who has least disposable income, or the others pick up the slack. We've all been the one with the least at some point or other, so there was no shame in saying 'I'm skint, I can't do x'

Currently, we're all comfortable. On paper I'm probably the best off - but I have three children and they are both child-free (by choice), so disposable income wise, they're way better off than me! But we're all open about what is viable for us with regards to activities and gifts etc, there no expectations.

Bragging wise, if one of us buys something, damn right we share it - I want to know if someone has bought a new watch or booked a fab holiday or whatever. I'm generally only buying buggies or play kitchens, I live vicariously through their exciting purchases!

I guess the fact that we've all been in the same boat makes a big difference.

I have two best friends and I earn massively more than both of them. But it isn't an issue because I'm not an insensitive arsehole. I would never discuss expensive purchases with them, I suggest activities which I think will be affordable and I offer to pay for some things, being mindful of not wanting them to feel awkward about that.

They don't know what I earn as they haven't asked. They don't know I'm mortgage free. They don't know what I have in the bank. They must know I'm wealthy but I doubt they know how wealthy I am.

I value them too much to let money get in the way of our friendship.

Very interesting reading all these. I don't want to resent her wealth but nor do I want pointing out what new gifts the children have had for reasons which l, if money were no object, I can sort of see but she knows money is very much an issue for me and in fact have spoken about my financial worries. I don't know. I love her dearly but don't think it's healthy to feel even a tiny bit jealous as it's not a nice or helpful emotion

It will only work if the rich friend respects the poor friend's budget. So the poor friend doesnt have to use her limited resources socialising with the rich friend!

🤮

I have been slap bang in the middle of this. I come from a poor family. I find myself now in the lower middle class bracket. I have friends that are much less well off than us and friends that are minted. Our shopping habits / holidays / cars / circumstances all differ very much. If one of us is on the upside of the financial divide, we just plan a thing the other person can stretch to ( like a walk in the woods / beach and a cup of coffee. It's not hard. I wouldn't dream of suggesting an expensive lunch to someone who is struggling to pay for their kids' school clothes unless I could find a reason to justify paying for it myself ( I.e. come on, I'm celebrating a new job / my divorce 😆, lunch is on me).
Similarly, my much wealthier friends have done the same for me.
I value my friends much more than expensive lifestyle choices. I'd rather have an hour in a greasy spoon with much loved mate than a day in a spa with a pretentious acquaintance that doesn't care about me.
Is your friend like this? If not, then letting the friendship go isn't such a bad thing.