How involved are your baby's grandparents?

[MaltipooMama]

So for context, this is just to get an opinions really as I'm a FTM of a six month old and keen to understand what the "norm" is! My partner's mother made a comment to him yesterday when they were alone about how she was telling her friend that she doesn't really feel like a grandparent, but more like a relative. The examples she gave were that she hasn't ever changed his nappy, he's never slept round her house, we don't go to visit them much (maybe a couple of times since he's been born but the door is ALWAYS open whenever they want to come to see him which is usually every 1-2 weeks and they stay for a few hours) they live around 30 mins away, grandparents on my side come over every week for around an hour an a half, but they live much closer. I don't know why but this comment has really hurt me, because I've always tried my best to treat all grandparents the same. Our baby is in a really good routine with eating and sleeping so I normally try and keep outings within his 2.5 hour wake windows, which makes it difficult to incorporate an hours travelling to go and see them, and I feel like he is too young at 6 months to be considering sleepovers, plus I enjoy spending time with him and have never had a need for a babysitter, I like to do things that he can come along to! In my experience, I was really close to my grandmother and we used to see her every other week, but my partner was frequently babysat and looked after by his grandmother (on his mom's side) so I feel like we both have had different experiences with grandparents' involvement and his mom's expectations were similar to how their family dynamic was. I feel really sad that she feels this way and feel like the blame for this naturally sits with me, but again I have always treated both sets the same, they are always welcome to come and see him whenever they want and when they do they can spend all the time they want with him and I always fill them in on what he's been up to, what stage his at, send them photos etc. I'm really struggling to understand how and why this means that she doesn't feel like a grandmother. Advice please 😔

No she actually had this conversation with my partner and he relayed it to me, I said similar to my partner in that there is loads of time for him to look forward to sleeping over and visiting with them, which he will naturally as he gets over. They really do love him and I know he will really love doing that, six months to me just isn't that time. Yes you're right I think many of her friends take over childcare, babysitting, parental responsibility and she expected the same. I just enjoy doing all of that though and want to be the one to be able to do this as his mother. I did say to my partner during the conversation that I am more than happy to go round to visit them once a month for example as a compromise so that they get a chance to host and see him in their environment so hopefully this will help!

@MaltipooMama
Also just to say if your little one is 6m will they be starting to wean soon? Just that my parents loved that stage and it's a really nice stage to get them involved with making baby friendly snacks, sharing recipes, and helping them learn to eat - as long as they respect your rules and won't do the whole 'when you were young we just fed purées/anything they like etc'
Hope you manage to find a balance that works for everyone!

@MaltipooMama sorry I missed that on the first post!!

My parents had absolutely no interest in being involved with their grandchildren and my husbands parents were already dead by the time we had them.
I would have loved two sets of involved grandparents to be honest, especially if they were offering sleep overs!
Luckily my sister had her children not long after me so we were each others default childcare but even that was tricky as it meant every time one of us went out the other was (at one point) dealing with four children under five with a baby included!
It maybe that you never want to go out again until your child turns 18 but if you do will you be expecting MIL to have your child over night then?
Take it from someone who had zero parental help with my children (my mother wouldn't even look after my child whilst I unexpectedly vomited at her house one day, yes she was that bad!) you are in a very fortunate position.

Sorry to hear about your personal experience but as you hopefully identified from my post, I don't want to hinder their relationship and am aware that I'm lucky they want to be involved. No I wouldn't at any point expect her to take on childcare, my dad was a single parent and I wasn't babysat once as a child as he had no one to look after me, so I wouldn't expect that of anyone else, if they would like to when he's older that will be lovely if he wants to go and stay and they want him to, but it won't be for babysitting responsibilities but rather out of choice for them and him

This is great advice! I will definitely be trying this as he started to wean around two weeks ago now. Thank you!

@TootGoesTheOwl

Same happened to me.
I had very severe food poisoning and was wretching every 12 minutes for 12 hours.

She still went off to her boyfriends where she lived and left me all alone ( as a single parent) with my 2 year old that day.

As I knew she would.

I literally could have died it was so bad..
Luckily he was a darling little boy and "looked after mummy" 🥲

Yes , go and visit her and make her feel valued, not just have her visiting you when they want . I guess, make more of an effort .

@Tourmalines again useless, not constructive, pointless reply. Other people have provided far more useful suggestions and recommendations which I have taken onboard as you can see from my replies. Your messages are of no interest to me so I won't be acknowledging anything else you say. If you're sad enough to keep replying I will simply ignore you

I certainly wouldn't be doing sleepovers at this age, but if she wants to change nappies, then why not?

Ignore away .

She has never asked to change a nappy, and why would I actively volunteer someone else to change my baby's nappy?! In fact when my son was a couple of months old, whilst at my house once as I was changing his nappy, she said, "this is the best thing about being grandparents is that you can do all the fun stuff without having to do things like change nappies".

My parents saw my kids a couple of times a week. They would help with a nappy change etc

Its nice for them and your children to be involved.

They probably won't be interested in having him when 'he's ready' ie when I'm less anxious you've already alienated them to the point that she's said something to your partner so maybe just accept he won't have a relationship with them and that's sad but it's yours and their choice

I think the main thing is if you and baby are happy. If it's less stress to keep routine then keep it. There are plenty of years where that routine changes and your little one will be awake more/need less of a strict routine.

I will potentially be the MIL one day and honestly I don't feel entitled to anything I expect it to be different to the other maternal granny. I will be involved and help out on my son's and their partners wishes. I've had my children I've had my time. I certainly do not want to demand a tiny baby is overtired or unhappy just to keep me happy!

What I learnt with my mil is that she is only interested in tiny babies. There was a element of playing mummy again for her. I wanted to include her lots with my first and made myself and my eldest uncomfortable in the process (changing routine,keeping him up longer, not feeding on cue as breastfeeding seem to offend her) she was desperate to bottle feed which I didn’t do he was exclusively breastfed. My eldest is now nearly 10 she's never asked to take him out have sleepovers rarely visits no childcare so it's a very minimal relationship from the grandparents side.

So set your boundaries op and don't put yourself out and baby just to please her. If she's truly invested for the long haul she can wait till baby is older and more able to be independently looked after and that's when hopefully you will really cherish her help and their relationship.

I think it's great that you seem to know more about my family situation than I do! And yes you're right I have TOTALLY alienated them by inviting them over all the time, sending them photos, offering to make them lunch or dinner whenever they're here... seriously?

I feel like this too, I will be a mil one day and I really would like to think that I will have this outlook too. Thank you for sharing your opinion

There are many different ways to build a strong relationship with grandchildren. It doesn't have to involve overnights if you aren't comfortable with that. My PiL live about half an hour away and my DSs are now 5 and 7 and have never had a sleepover there, because the house isn't safe for them (whole other story!) but we see PiL pretty much every week at our house or theirs for a few hours, or go on the weekend for days out together. At 6 months I wasn't ready for them to do nights away from me, but other posters idea of letting MiL do bedtime while you're out etc might work?

My parents live about 2.5 hours away so we tend to see them less frequently but for longer - usually a weekend (more when I was on mat leave) every 4-6 weeks. The kids have never stayed over there alone either, because it's so far! But have had my parents come and look after them at our house for a few days while DH and I go away.

You've only been over to your partner's parents twice since your son was born? Is your partner not bothered about seeing them more often? They're only 30 mins away!

I will potentially be the MIL one day and honestly I don't feel entitled to anything I expect it to be different to the other maternal granny. I will be involved and help out on my son's and their partners wishes. I've had my children I've had my time. I certainly do not want to demand a tiny baby is overtired or unhappy just to keep me happy!

I love these kinds of posts. They're just like the conversations women have before they have kids. "When I'M a mum I won't be allowing..."

I know you mean well, but honestly, you've no more idea of what kind of MIL you'll be until it happens! And of course a lot will depend on the DIL you get. But prepared to be blown away by being a grandparent, in almost the same way you were when your own child was born.
I certainly wasn't prepared for it.

I'm fortunate enough to be the mother's mother of my DGCs, and hopefully a very reasonable GM. But even I can't predict what I'd be like as the MIL!

Hi all, just a quick final update as I am bored of the posters who have not understood the thread properly and not read any of my updates, but THANK YOU to those who have given suggestions on how I can help to manage this situation, some great ideas to take into account to ensure everyone is treated fairly. I won't be updating again as I have gotten what I needed in the way of ideas - thank you to those who have helped 😊

I think it's usually quite common to have one set who are closer (usually the mother's family) and the other who the child doesn't see as much. It's that way for us. The in-laws would be welcome to see him more, but they don't bother. MIL has said before she is hurt by never having looked after DS when I'm at work (we were waiting for the offer, especially as they live half hour away, it's hardly something we'd ask out of the blue!). Different if it's one evening of babysitting, which they have done once.

I see my youngest DGC once a week, hes 2. Ive never changed his nappy nor has he stayed over yet...my DD comes to visit maybe 2x year, we only live 25 mins away, but they have so much going on...i visit them instead.I think its too much atm to stay over, hes all his mum. When he gets older if he wants to stop over he can or when DD needs break. I dont take offence at any of it. My older DGS is 13 and i have him over 3x week lol. When they get older its easier all round to stay over unless help is needed. Talk with your MIL... Say you overheard and hate to think she feels that way and explain. Communication.

Your baby is still very young, mine weren't sleeping over at Grandparents at that age! We did visit about once a week or so because they lived nearby. It's lovely that your MIL wants to spend time and be involved, you can certainly do that as he gets older! Maybe ask her to give him a bath or read stories with him when they are visiting or ask them to babysit while you go out for a meal with your partner? It's a very good thing to foster a good relationship with your PIL and it sounds like you're doing that. Maybe you can have a chat with her and explain that you're really happy they want to spend time with him but that just at the moment you want to make the most of your maternity leave and be with him as much as possible. Hopefully she'll understand that and be supportive.

Dd1 had her first dc last month and so did a colleague's dd. She is a very hands on gm, changing nappies, feeding and bathing dc. Her dd appreciates the support. She also has another gc the same age as my elder gc (2) and again she has sleepovers etc.
Unfortunately neither of my older dds want me to have that sort of relationship with their dc. It saddens me but it's up to them. If they do decide they need help I'm here. Maybe it will change when they get older or they have another dc.