How involved are your baby's grandparents?

[MaltipooMama]

So for context, this is just to get an opinions really as I'm a FTM of a six month old and keen to understand what the "norm" is! My partner's mother made a comment to him yesterday when they were alone about how she was telling her friend that she doesn't really feel like a grandparent, but more like a relative. The examples she gave were that she hasn't ever changed his nappy, he's never slept round her house, we don't go to visit them much (maybe a couple of times since he's been born but the door is ALWAYS open whenever they want to come to see him which is usually every 1-2 weeks and they stay for a few hours) they live around 30 mins away, grandparents on my side come over every week for around an hour an a half, but they live much closer. I don't know why but this comment has really hurt me, because I've always tried my best to treat all grandparents the same. Our baby is in a really good routine with eating and sleeping so I normally try and keep outings within his 2.5 hour wake windows, which makes it difficult to incorporate an hours travelling to go and see them, and I feel like he is too young at 6 months to be considering sleepovers, plus I enjoy spending time with him and have never had a need for a babysitter, I like to do things that he can come along to! In my experience, I was really close to my grandmother and we used to see her every other week, but my partner was frequently babysat and looked after by his grandmother (on his mom's side) so I feel like we both have had different experiences with grandparents' involvement and his mom's expectations were similar to how their family dynamic was. I feel really sad that she feels this way and feel like the blame for this naturally sits with me, but again I have always treated both sets the same, they are always welcome to come and see him whenever they want and when they do they can spend all the time they want with him and I always fill them in on what he's been up to, what stage his at, send them photos etc. I'm really struggling to understand how and why this means that she doesn't feel like a grandmother. Advice please 😔

If it was me OP, I would be so grateful for her interest and of how my child would benefit tremendously from loving grandparents (as you acknowledge) I would make sure she has very regular contact. Just Grandma and LO perhaps?
Think of what you could do with a spare half day once a week.
You are very lucky 😇

Firstly, from a child psychology point of view, a baby doesn't know they are separate from their mother until about 9 months of age so sleeping over will be of no benefit to your baby. Also kids do not develop autobiographical memory until about the age of 4/5 (try to recall memories yourself from earlier than that) so again, the benefit is ONLY for MIL and not for your child.

I would tell her that you understand that partner would stay at his grandparents but that was HER choice as a mother and you are valuing your experience as a mother by taking care of your own child. I would tell her that as far as feeding, nappy changes, bath times and bed times, these are parenting duties as opposed to grandparent duties.

Ultimately it sounds like she has expectations that she hasn't discussed with you and unfortunately she is going to have to learn to manage her expectations because every child is different and you should be able to parent however you want to.

It sounds like you are being more than fair with the access etc she is getting.

I bet when you and your partner decided to have a child, it was because you wanted to be parents and experience everything that came along with having your own baby .... I bet the discussion didn't say, "Let's have a baby so that MIL gets the grandparent experience she wants"

Just be kind but tell her that her expectations don't align with how you want to parent your child but she will have plenty of opportunity in the years to come to get more experiences with your child when your child is older.

@Mamasperspective thank you so much for perfectly articulating how I feel about this situation! Your response absolutely epitomises how I feel about this and you have given me some really good inspiration on how to communicate this message to her in a respectful way

I had my GDs to sleep over from around age 1 month….i changed nappies at visits and fed them…..if I was at their house or they were at mine I generally did most things for them…..my DD and DIL ( now ex dil) enjoyed the break,…all this is pretty normal in my peer group

@Kitkat1523 assuming your grandchildren weren’t breastfed. Was all this led by your DD and DIL?

My mil said the same thing to dh and I was really gutted because I love my in laws and I really want ds to have a great relationship with them. They live 10 min away and see ds every couple of weeks and will take him overnight once every few months. But that only really started when he turned one. Up until then he was breastfeeding a lot and I had a lot of pp anxiety and really struggled being away from him so it felt much easier to have him with me. We still would have visited them fortnightly but as ds was bf during the night to get back to sleep I wasn't confident he'd resettle for them if he woke up. I also found it hard because my own parents live further away and have no interest in doing any overnights/ babysitting/ nappies etc and just want to see him and spoil him briefly and then go on and do their own thing. So I was always worried about putting my in laws out by asking them to do things I knew my parents would see as a hassle.

I think gp are invaluable as children are growing up but I think in the very early months you kind of need to follow your gut. Maybe you could arrange something regular with your mil that you feel comfortable with. I wouldn't be rushing into overnights at 6 months old.

When I found out mil had said that about not feeling like a granny i also made a point of doing things like sending lots of pics, or getting ds to paint/ colour pictures for granny or bring her flowers from the garden etc and really encouraging him to go to her when we were at their house visiting. He absolutely loves going to see them and will shout 'yay' when we arrive at their house. I think sometimes people get so excited about a new baby that they lose sight of all that's to come. Your mil will have plenty of time for lovely memories with your little one as they get a bit bigger.

So much depends on what you feel comfortable with and every mum and every baby is different.

Sorry, but that sounds incredibly formal and wordy a way to respond.

I'd simply say "he's still very little. There's lots of time ahead for him to have sleepovers and such. You and my mum won't have too long to wait!"

The important thing @MaltipooMama is that she hears from you that she's not treated any differently from your mum. She might be under the misapprehension that your mum's getting to do all these things.

All bottlefed…. My DD visited most days when her first was born….and often slept over if her DO was away …..and 9 years down the line we still see the girls about 3 or 4 times a week….i was 50 and worked full time when Gd 1 was born so would have been happy to not see them so often but was always happy to have GD1 when asked ….same as I am with the other 2

DCs grandparents aren't involved on a regular basis. We are quite busy day to day so wouldn't really want weekly visits or anything like that. DH's parents live abroad and we see them on 2 occasions a year (they visit UK and we visit them, for 1-2 weeks). They do weekly video calls. They are 70+ and aren't very hands on - not changed a nappy and have no desire to have my toddler for a sleepover (5yo has been for a sleepover - but they don't do much, as we give her a bath and out her in PJs before we leave). I find the idea of wanting a 6mo to sleep over to be bizarre, but my dcs have been breastfed and we always do breastfeeding to sleep. I think dcs would have been distressed to wake in the night and find another adult to be there though.

My own parents we just see every few months. They have 4 other gdcs so there's not much demand to see us. They have never done any of the hands-on looking after and don't know my dcs as individuals. I don't really get along with them and don't see my dcs getting much benefit from spending time with them, so we just do obligatory irregular visits.

Why would a grandparents want to change a nappy?

As much as we could, they were happy to have our baby and we were happy to do things without our baby for a bit

When mine were babies they saw my in-laws one a fortnight for a few hours, - they usually came to us, and my parents every three months or so for a few days.

They didn’t sleep over until they were late two or three years old. I doubt my in-laws changed a nappy, my mum must have done in toddler years.

That’s about 30 years ago now! My brother and I didn’t sleep at grandma’s without our parents until we were primary school age. That was in the 70s. In my peer group grannies generally visited or stayed at the children’s home. When my best friend got to about 12 she would sometimes go to stay at granny’s house for a week in the holidays. I went with her a few times!

Ours aren’t massively involved, and under 1 none of mine have ever slept away from us.
i do think limiting yourself to only going out within “wake window” is absolutely crackers, the best thing about young babies is how portable they are and a map routine shouldn’t be so rigid that it stops you getting on with normal life and visiting people.

My child only has two living grandparents. She is now one. One has met her once, the other sees her a few times a year. We all live in different UK nations.

Well I think it’s a bit mean you have only gone to her place twice in 6 months .

My PIL live 2.5 hours away so we don’t go there weekly or anything. We used to go around once a month or so for a weekend or even a week in the summer. Now we have 11wo DC3 so travelling to them is tricky. They came down to see him when he was born and we spent the weekend with them for a wedding recently. They adore their grandchildren and spoil them when they see them but I don’t think either has changed a nappy earlier than 1yo. They’ve babysat the elder two but not before 1.

My parents is a different situation. We live 20 minutes from them so I go over multiple times a week. Eldest DD (10yo) has a weekly sleepover and my DM does the preschool run with DD2 twice a week. When I’m working, my DM looks after my DC. My DF has changed loads of nappies but that’s been his choice rather than me demanding it. They both also adore their GC and we’re lucky to live so close that they can be that hands on. It still to over a year for sleepovers. I just can’t bear to be apart from my babies.

Should have added that 30 minutes travel really is nothing and you should go more. Are they aware they are always welcome at yours? Maybe make that explicit or invite them regularly.

Thanks everyone for sharing your experiences of your own situations and it's reassuring to hear that it's not abnormal for me to not be close to ready for sleepovers etc at such a young age. I think a factor is that I conceived at 37, six months after I was told I had PCOS and that it was unlikely that I would conceive naturally, so I'd thought that children were off the cards which devastated me as I'd always dreamt of a big family, I've been extremely maternal since I was a small child. I work in an extremely demanding job as well so want to use my maternity leave to soak in as much with my boy as possible.

I am comfortable with many of the things that people have mentioned for when my child is older, but at 6 months old it just isn't something I'm ready for at all

@saraclara no my mom passed away a couple of years ago, prior to that we hadn't had any contact in years, I wasn't brought up by her so there isn't any difference in treatment

@Tourmalines I came onto here asking people for their experience, do you have anything to share other than to tell me I am mean?

That's really good advice for how to help facilitate this when he's older, your feelings for when your child were younger are very similar to mine now. Great to hear how you've really helped their relationship and the colouring, picking flowers etc is definitely something that I would be happy to do

But it's a routine that works incredibly well for me and my child, why would I change it without a need to? His day is very structured and as a result his sleeping and eating patterns are very consistent and he is an extremely happy and content baby. I understand that this isn't always possible to stick to but for me it is for the most part. I haven't felt hindered in any way, we have taken him on holidays in the UK three times and taking him abroad next month, and he and I go out and about all the time. So as a first time parent, if his routine allows us structure, still enables me to have a fun and varied life with him and means that he is happy and content, why would I change it?

My parents see DD several times a week. They have her 2 days a week whilst I'm at work since 7m, and have had her for sleepovers when needed since 3m. I did breastfeed but also pumped.
Would you be comfortable with them babysitting in your home? She could help you put little one to bed and then watch tv/read a book whilst you and your DH go for a date night, even if just around the corner?
Give you guys some quality time, and make her feel included? (Not that that's your responsibility, just a an idea!)

When I had my dds I had a bossy mil and she insisted on having them from around 6 weeks over night and they would stop 2-3 times a month. My parents were less hands on and say them maybe every couple of weeks and didn't babysit until they were a bit older. When I had my ds (different dad) I was more assertive as a parent. We saw them every couple weeks and he first stopped over night around 1 ish.

Interesting she brought it to you and not her son. I think it would be better if your dh responded rather than you.

I think he should say hes sorry she feels left out but to remember the baby is still so little. There will be lots of opportunities for 1:1 rime as baby gets older. And reassure her she's an integral family member.
But maybe you could visit them sometimes as a compromise. ?

It sounds like she's comparing her own parents input and maybe her friends and finding her involvement lacking. . It sounds like she's been polite so it's reasonable to consider her needs but it doesn't mean she gets what she wants

Yes I definitely don't think I'm too far away from feeling comfortable doing this, and I think that would be a really sensible place to start, thank you

Your level of contact seems pretty normal to me, speaking as a grandparent. Some women can go a bit overboard with grandchildren, almost expecting to take over control. Just keep doing what you feel comfortable with, your baby, your rules.