My sister seems to have so much free time.

[Amyanonymous1]

My sister comes to see me every week at my home and usually stays all day. From 12/1pm to 9/10 at night. I often feel like this is a bit much but I don’t know how to say I don’t want you to stay for dinner or can you come at 5/6 and stay for dinner? Sometimes it is nice to have her here all day but often I have a lot to do and she talks constantly so I don’t feel like I get the space mentally or physically to get on with things.
I love her so much and appreciate her but I wish she didn’t have so much free time.

This might seem like a strange one but I’m trying to learn to assert my boundaries with my sister and to find the line even of where I want my boundaries to be. she’s always been quite codependent on me even though she’s always said she doesn’t want a codependent relationship with a man. I’ve never pointed it out. Over the years when I’ve expressed I couldn’t talk when she called me for another epic conversation we’ve ended up have arguments because she took it personally and thought I wasn’t there for her. Help!!

But unless you’re WFH while she’s there presumably you also have this time ‘free’? You’d just prefer to be doing something else with it, quite understandably. You’re going to have to be direct. Or, if this is, as I assume a weekend day, go away for the day/weekend a few times to break the habit, and then suggest she comes over later, for dinner, but warn her you have a commitment afterwards?

I have a friend a bit like this and I have to not answer a call or say I’ve something on (she’s a gorgeous person but quite needy)

could you pull back a bit or go out in the afternoon until she gets the message

I adore my sister but couldn't imagine just sitting around all day in my house with her, that would drive me nuts!

Could you perhaps go out for coffee / a wander round the shops and then suggest sharing a cab home or offer to drop her off or something that suggests the visit/day out is at an end? Try to make a new 'routine' of your time together instead of just sitting in the house chatting.

Invent a mid afternoon appointment so that she either comes before or after it.

Why can’t you just tell her that you’ve things to get done / other plans and give her a time when you’re free for her to come over? The problem isn’t the amount of free time she has, it’s you expecting her to be a mind reader rather than using your words.

I have a similar thing with my dad - he comes to see us every weekend and will stay for hours and hours. I haven't found a way to find a balance that suits us both yet (because I can't find a way to talk to him properly 🙈) but in the meantime I sometimes arrange appointments in that time / have the odd day when we're going out somewhere so he can only stay for an hour or two, etc. just to give us all a bit of a break. It's not a perfect solution but might help to break the cycle a bit as pp suggested.

Simple as that
She may not like it initially but she will get over it

Much better than suffering for longer period of time then saying that

Oh we do go out but then she comes back with me and sort is stays until I ask if she wants dinner or just asks herself. It’s complicated because I love her and she’s wonderful but I just feel like she visits every week and stays 12.30-10pm a lot.

I would but every week? I do have to work too but I feel bad saying that.

I think you’re mostly right and I need to just be Clearer but I often when I do suggest we meet for dinner she’ll say there’s no point in her coming for that short of a period as it’s an hour drive to see me each way.

Are
You wfh? You need to enforce some boundaries.
Does she not
Work?

It’s a tough one when it’s family isn’t it? I just personally find hanging out as grown adults for an entire day mid week a bit crazy. Don’t know how she has that type of free time. I’m working from home and can make my own hours but it’s usually a whole day where I can’t work at all.

But you can work. You need to tell her. Why does her being upset trump you being upset?

she’s not working right now but even when she did it was usually not during weekdays.

Good point.

You need to tell her that you are working between nine and five every day. She needs to be looking for a job herself!

I really don't get why you can't just say work is really busy and you can't afford to take an entire day off - how about a long lunch (2 hours or so) but then you really need to get back to your desk.

My sil is like this, she's not local but when she visits she'll arrive early afternoon Friday when I've got work/school run/house stuff to all finish before the weekend.
I'm just really clear, it's your home, say it as it is. If she normally rocks up on Fridays, Thursday night say "Hi, really looking forward to hanging out tomorrow, can't wait to see you. I'm snowed under at work and need to catch up tomorrow so can you come at 5pm rather than earlier in the day, and I'll cook us dinner and we can have a girls night" or "can we do brunch tomorrow rather than hang out in the afternoon? I'll need to log on to work from 3pm till the end of the day, does that work for you? I'll be free at 11am and we could meet at xyz cafe, then maybe have a walk in the park and I'll leave you there so I'm all finished at home ready for the weekend"
You don't need to be super blunt/mean and say "I can't see you as much" just make it clear when you're free, what you'd like to do and how much time of yours she can have.

I think you need to rise above her response, she's manipulating you into giving mire tine that you have to give. If she says this type of thing (oh theres no point in such a short meet/you need to be there for me more/don't you want to see me) say "sorry you feel that way, I'd have loved to see you and I'm free from 5pm to 10pm, but no worries if you don't feel like coming, we can catch up another time. If you change your mind just shout as I'll be free all evening, or we can chat on the phone"

Just dont open the door. Say you are busy, have an important work meeting etc. just because you can set your own hours doesn't mean she has to know that. Say you've got a new manager who has a stricter idea of Flexi working.

My parents literally live 8 doors away, when I started WFH they would pop in until I put a stop to it. Sometimes Ill go up to theirs for lunch but then leave them. Perhaps that's what you need to do. Make point of visiting her not the other way around.

Thank you! This is very helpful. I’m just scared of hurting her.

How can you feel bad about saying you have to work? It’s the perfect excuse to get out of a situation you don’t want to be in.

If my brother wanted to hang around my house weekly for that long I’d put him to work with some house/garden jobs.

I would say you have to work core hours now and so are not free all day Friday

You’re working at the end of the day, if you were in the office, she wouldn’t be able to come there and talk all day to you - it is no difference to being at home, you are working! Tell her this and say you are falling behind with work and it is best she not come every day anymore but maybe once a week for a long lunch/ weekends

Oh she doesn’t come everyday. Once a week but it’s often 12.30/1pm until 10pm.