Is it ok for a 9 year old to see text messages between mum and dad?

[rs999]

Hi, sorry if this is in the wrong place, new on here.

Is it ok for a 9 year old to see text messages between mum and dad.

For content, the mum is showing the 9 year old messages, dad does not agree. Messages are mostly arguments. Mum and dad are split.

Thank you.

That sounds very wrong to me.

If the message is

“Hi tell Betty well done on her spelling test- I’ll bring cake home!” Then fine

”You’re being a twat - you didn’t put the bins out dickhead “ Then clearly no!

There might be very rare occasions when mum feels the need to show child that something came from dad, not her (eg a cancelled visit) but generally, no I'd say that seems like quite toxic behaviour.

Not ok if it's mum and dad arguing.
Children should be protected from their parents' disagreements which they have no power over. Very toxic of the other parent to show them.

No

Seeing text messages, fine. My dd sees messages between us sometimes as we send photos and she might use either of our phones to message the other.

Seeing arguments in text messages, probably not fine. But I think it may depend on the context, so I can't 100% say it would always be the wrong move.

Depends, is it mum having to show the 9 y/o 'proof' of something? E.g. dad not showing up for a visit once again and has texted mum to cancel but he is telling the 9 y/o it was mum who cancelled it?

The parents may have split but they are still both parents and need to work out, in an adult manner, how to co-parent properly, not keep bickering via text.

9 year olds have no business being anywhere near a phone unless they need to call the emergency services.

Ugh the child shouldn’t be dragged into adults mess

Absolutely not. The child should opt be dragged into whatever is going on between the parents. Poor child.

That's still not for a 9 year old to see.

In 2+ years time when they are at secondary school and can't go out with a friend because their dad is supposedly picking them up on Saturday, then it would be different.

No. I can maybe think of exceptions such as dad was telling son factually untrue things to such a detrimental level that mum felt she had no choice. But that would be such a rare scenario, as a general rule no, absolutely not.

Arguments? No. Poor child.

When I was a child, my parents put me in the middle of their disagreements and rows. It was awful and it made me very anxious.

In your context, absolutely not.

No, a parent bringing a child into an argument is awful, the messages should be adults only unless it’s directly a message for the child (ie good job, please do x)

I think you already know the answer is absolutely no. As others have said, if it is something where "proof" is required maybe OK but otherwise just why would you do that?

No, but the obvious answer is to stop having arguments via texts.

Normally I'd agree keep children out of it full stop. But I can easily imagine a scenario where a mum has got out of say an abusive and controlling relationship and the man is continuing that via the child. Not great but like I say I can imagine a woman being desperate to prove to her DC it's not her preventing visits etc. Especially if the DC is kicking back against the terrible mummy keeping daddy from seeing her.

Anyone with half a brain cell would realise that is madness and will cause the poor child anxiety.

No, not ok obviously! Are you the dad? I'd be very upset about this.

Absolutely not, it’s actually called parent alienation as the other parent is trying to manipulate the child into thinking bad by seeing the messages.

You never bring children into adult problems! It is never okay!

If the arguments contains abuse or derogatory language/spiteful content then definitely no.
If the argument is more along the lines of, for example….

Dad: no I don’t agree that X should be allowed to go to that sleepover

mum: why not? X is sensible, they will have their phone with them, I know the parents

dad: no

(mum shows text to child who is blaming her)

this might be kinda ok, but still overall it’s best not to get into good cop bad cop and show a united front even if you don’t always agree

No, not ok. But I can see it happening quite easily if the dad is lying to the daughter about something and child is blaming her mum.