Don’t want constant play dates

[Lucyintheskywithrubes]

My youngest DS (7) has a friend, he’s an only child and the friendship very intense from his side, his mum is always asking to have my DS to “give us a break”. I would go so far as to say her DS is a bit obsessed with my DS. DH gets irritated as we don’t want/need a break, I try and say no as often as I can without upsetting things. My DS never asks for a play date unless the friend has instigated it. He has friends on the street he plays with outside of school and we are busy with clubs etc. It also then makes me feel like I “owe” her and I don’t want to be put in that position.

I just feel like it’s too much but I’ve said no so many times I’m not sure what else. I don’t want to throw a grenade. Has anyone else experienced this or am I just a miserable bag? Don’t have this issue with other two. Just want some reassurance that I just need to hang on a bit longer for it to pass.

Is hers an only? She probably finds she has to entertain him but if a friends there it's easier.

How often is it?

Yes he is an only child. That’s the thing - I end up feeling indebted even though it’s her wanting it so her ds has a playmate.

It’s constant - every week there’s some sort of request.

Don’t think once per week is out of order, I thought you were talking about daily.
If she wants him and he doesn’t mind, why not just arrange for him to get taken out of school once a week by her and then given his tea or something. You pick him up 6ish?

It's fine to keep saying no!

I would probably say something like thanks but we're really busy at the moment so not really doing play dates.

I've had to do it before when DS was constantly being asked to go to someone's house when he didn't really want to.

Just tell her you've got loads on at the minute and will do something in the summer hols.

it could be once a week or once a decade, if it is too much for you then keep on saying no

She’s not - I read it that they want her son at their house.

I would try and plan dates ahead. 'This week is busy but next Wed or the following Wed works for us if any good for you?' Also don't feel obliged to pay it back - she probably finds having a friend easier than him alone as they play together.

I think you'd be better being diplomatically honest with her - something a long the lines of 'it's lovely that you keep thinking of DS but he's busy with his clubs and own friends now he's getting older - just thought I'd mention it so your DS doesn't keep asking and be disappointed'.

Why is it annoying you so much if its only on a weekly or so basis? From the offset I was expecting it to be virtually everyday. To say the other child seems obsessed is a bit harsh going off that!! What does your ds think, does he enjoy the play dates? If so I can't see what the problem is 🤷‍♀️

I suggest her saying to give you a break is actually her way of saying company for the only child gives her a break. Or she wants you to offer to have her son.

I think you are being abit OTT suggesting her son is obsessed with your son for wanting to play once a week. However, if it is too much for you then its fine not to say yes to every request. Just say your child has clubs and can't commit to every week at the moment and she will probably ease off.

Once a week seems normal to me. She's probably not expecting an invite back.

Say your DS is busy this week but can do a date in three weeks' time or something. That then spreads it out. Or just say you're not doing play dates at the moment as your DS has clubs every day.

@Mrsgus there is a load of other stuff that I can't list as it is too outing but for e.g. he turns up to my DC's swimming lessons specifically to see my DC. Swims in the pool and waits for him to finish. You will have to take my word for it, since I posted I have spoken to his teacher who was already concerned.

Even without that other stuff, weekly playdates in any event are too much for us. Also I am not talking a quick play after school, the playdates are wanting to take him for full days out at the weekend.

I agree @beanii I am going to have to bite the bullet and speak up. I just don't want to make things awkward and my heart goes out to the friend. But my subtle attempts at boundaries just aren't cutting it.

Just say weekends are family time. You really can just say ‘no’ whenever you want and not think of it again.

I had a similar situation. Parents with an only child wanted to invite my child every weekend. Trouble is then her sibling had no one to play with! It’s not your problem that her only child has nobody to play with. In the end I told the truth. Said thanks but no thanks as we want to spend time as a family.

@VJBR thank you, glad to know is not just me. And great point about the sibling. It is hard not to feel guilty/somehow responsible.

Don’t feel guilty. There are plenty of other kids that can invite. It’s not your responsibility that they only have one child.

I think it depends completely on if your son likes going. Is he pleased to go when he's been invited? Does it bother him when his friend swims at the same time?

It doesn't sound like an obsession from what you've written so far, just a lonely kid looking for a best friend.

Really depends on how your son feels about it all. We are all different really and have different expectations of friendship.

Completely understand!

even if your kid is going to the other parents house there’s organising, thanking, having to go and collect them then they don’t want to leave on time, and you feel like you must reciprocate

I feel like if you’ve got a few children your child likes having play dates, it’s nice to do them every now and again - unless this is your child’s best friend then have play dates all the time if possible

just say to the other parent we can’t at the moment but will let you know when we can

I don't really understand why you keep saying no. It's not about you, it's about your son and his friend. Doesn't your son want to go? If he does (and I expect he does), let him go!
We've always let our children go on play dates and welcomed other children here. It's a normal part of parenting.

Yes does your son enjoy it? If so it's only once a week. You sound like a grumpy lot

You seem to be avoiding the question that keeps being asked, does your son enjoy spending the time with this friend or not?

Assuming he does ,could you compromise and suggest a weeknight playdate, or every other weekend /every 3 weeks etc on a weekend? Give your reasons which are perfectly fine (and she should understand) but suggest a compromise, " sorry X can't do this weekend, but he can X date if that works".

If you have never said anything she won't know how you feel and probably assumes you have been happy with the arrangements up to now. Just set some boundaries.

My daughter had a friend when she was in school. I’d often invite her round for play dates but her mum (who I believed was a friend of mine) forever made excuses not to.

Turns out, the mum is a complete bitch and my daughter suffered because of it. Are you like her? Because that’s not cool.

Maybe if you said yes occasionally, the mum wouldn’t need to keep asking. Does your son want to go? If so, you are being like my ex ‘friend’.