Is this encouraging my teenager to have sex?

[Biscuitthief]

My dd is 15 and has been with her 16 year old boyfriend for a year. They’re both happy with each other and love each other. He comes over a few times a week but never stays over. They’ve talked about sex but neither are ready yet by my 15 year old dd has asked to go on the pill. She’s our eldest so we’ve never been through this before. I’ve booked an appointment with our gp but am I doing the right thing? I’d love her not to be putting hormones in her body at such a young age but I do want her to be prepared.

Fair enough

Tbh op I'd let her go to the appointment then. By herself and she can speak to the gp about it. Then it's up to her. Maybe ask if she'd mind waiting until she was at least 16

I went on the pill at 15 for medical reasons - this was in the 90’s but I would imagine it’s still the same.

Of course you should be supportive of her choosing to go on contraception. If you refused, she would legally be able to get it anyway I think but it would mean she wouldn't trust you as much.
I hope they use condoms also, the place where she gets the pill should give her a load for free.
Some people use the pill from a much younger age just to manage period pain and other issues like that. As long as she researches the sides and risks, and knows all the different contraceptive options then it is a good thing I think.

I was 15 when I first had sex with my boyfriend. My mum took me to get the pill but I would've had sex whether she took me or not, and neither of us could figure out condoms anyway so being a teenager I would have likely made stupid decisions in the moment.

At 15 she can go and get the pill herself if she wants to so see it as a positive thing that she shared with you and asked you to take her.

You cannot stop a teenager having sex, but you can arm her with the tools she needs, and this gives you a good opening to talk about consent and boundaries. By being supportive you open the door to her feeling safe to talk to you. By shutting her down you don't stop her doing anything but do make her feel alone

She didn’t have to ask you, the dr can and will prescribe it without telling you

At some point your daughter is going to have sex, it’s better that she is planning and preparing genuinely choosing than having it forced upon her before she’s ready

Don’t make a drama and shame her for developing into sexuality or she will carry that around until she can afford therapy!

They will prescribe if for much younger girls then 15. DD started taking it at 15 for medical reasons, but could have started taking it early. I was the one who was slightly reluctant.

Op keep encouraging the condoms, but it's a good idea for her to take the pill as well as a backup.

I wouldn't but the birth control pill in my body as an adult, so I definitely wouldn't give it to a 15 year old. Please research the effects of being on hormonal birth control for years, especially when started at a young age.

GP will absolutely prescribe it if she is felt to have Gillick competency (which she will have unless she has learning difficulties).

However I would encourage her to get the implant or injection rather than take the pill as the failure rate for the pill is pretty high with teenagers, in terms of forgetting to take it or not realising that it interacts with other meds such as antibiotics.

Teens are often quite complacent about unprotected sex these days (I work with them and this comes through quite clearly) - AIDS doesn’t terrify them like it did with us and there’s a perception that other STIs are treatable so it’s no big deal. Actually, rates of antibiotic-resistant gonorrhea are on the rise, and there’s been a big increase nationally in syphilis cases - it’s true that this is still more common in the gay male population, but by no means exclusively. So it’s absolutely essential that they use condoms.

I don’t think you are encouraging underage sex, but I would be having lots of conversations with her to make sure she isn’t feeling pressurised from him and that she understands no form of contraception is 100% effective. And if she will tolerate it from you, that there are lots of ways couples can enjoy being physical together without having PIV sex, particularly while she is an underage.

Also something to consider. I lost my virginity at 15 to my first boyfriend, who I was with for the whole of high school and absolutely adored. I was prepared, I was safe and I have no regrets about it to this day.

Many of my friends lost their virginities at 18/19 but in negative, unsafe circumstances with people they didn't know well, while drunk etc because they felt like they had to just do it.

I would much rather a child of mine have a positive experience even if it's younger, than an unsafe one at 18

The fact is that in all likelihood they’re going to do it anyway, appropriate age or not. OP is doing the right thing by preventing pregnancy.

She doesn't need your permission at all, so what she's really asking for is your support. It's clear you want what's best for her, and when you take out the 'my baby girl is growing up too fast' emotions, that's obviously open communication with you and no unplanned pregnancy!

Have you talked to her about LARCs OP? I'm just thinking they are more effective methods of contraception because they don't rely on her remembering to take a tablet. my kids are little so not advice as such but I'm just thinking she may not even be aware of all her options and something like that might be the safest bet. I had the depo-provera injections for a couple of years as a student and got on great with that and I remember a load of girls at 15/16 upwards had implants in my school. Just something to consider and apologies if you've already discussed it with her.

The effects of pregnancy or a medical abortion are greater than that of the pill though

If she's asking you that means she's either already having sex or thinking of having it very soon. She won't not have sex because she's not on the pill, but the risk of pregnancy is higher. She also doesn't need your permission

If you keep the conversation open and non judgemental hopefully she will continue to feel she can trust you, as she clearly does.

I disagree entirely. Teens have been experimenting sexually since time began. An arbitrary line in the sand is not reliable. I have a 15 yr old dd who has not reached this issue yet but plenty have by that age, whether their pi aren't approved or not.

You are being a responsible and supportive(and moreover loving) mum by making the appointment and going with her. She is Gillick competent by the sounds of it, and the dr can prescribe without any word from you. Far nicer that it is done with your love and care. Well done @Biscuitthief

I went on the pill at age 13 predominantly due to bad periods and acne - it was amazing. It didn’t make me want to have sex (and I didn’t and when I dit it was protected). DM was very embarrassed about it! I stayed on it until about age 38. I’m 46 now.

Neither of you could figure out condoms? It tells you on the packet, its not complicated. If you can't put a condom on then you shouldn't be having sex.

We’re going to look at all options including the implant. We’ll see what the gp advises. She’s got no Sen and her boyfriend is nice but shy so I don’t think there’s any pressure but I do keep an eye on her and her moods in case she’s hiding it. We do talk about STIs, the importance of safe sex and using condoms every single time. I would rather she waited until she was older but appreciate they’ve been together quite a while now and love each other. I don’t think it’s immediately on the cards but I am pleased she’s talked to me and had a conversation.

She’s said before that her lad is shy in asking for stuff in shops so I think I’ll get her some condoms just to be on the safe side, which does feel like I’m encouraging it but I’d like them to be safe. I have asked how far they’ve gone, which does embarrass her but so far she says it’s kissing and cuddling. They aren’t ever alone plus she’s got a sibling with severe disabilities who has a tendency to barge into bedrooms which I’m partly hoping might slow down the inevitable.

How would people handle it with their DH? My dd doesn’t want me saying to my DH about the appointment for contraception but I do feel awkward about keeping it from him. But I also don’t want to break her trust.

Whilst in principle this maybe true, it's not going to stop teenagers shagging is it?

Of course condoms are relatively easy to use. But many teenage boys will struggle either phsycially or because they don't want to wear one. No teenager is going to sit there going 'I wonder if I'm mature enough for this because I struggle with condoms'. They will just shag

Prepare your teenagers by making sure they are on adequate contraception. Don't rely on a teenage boy being willing to were a condom

I don't think you're encouraging her by supporting her to get on contraception. It just means that she shouldn't get pregnant when they eventually do have sex. I also wouldn't tell your husband about the conversations you're having with her. She could do all of this without you or your consent but she's choosing to open up to you.

Why do you feel the need to tell your Dh?

She has confided in you. An adult has had all the appropriate conversations with her and ensuring she's as safe as can be. Your DH doesn't need to know

This is an interesting article about how parents who are open and communicative about sex with their kids can actually help support that teen to decide to abstain from sex til later. It’s an old article but I think it raises some positive points. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1119222/. With regards to your DH…I think your daughter deserves her privacy if she has sought your confidence ….however I really think dads need to have chats about sexual intimacy and relationships with their daughters…after all he knows what being a teen boy can be like !

It's going to happen so best be prepared, why the pill though? Most young people I know have the implant.
Also I know there isn't much in it but is the boy aware she's under the age of consent.

Also I know there isn't much in it but is the boy aware she's under the age of consent

That really doesn't matter if they both want to have sex.