Sometimes I ask myself is the entire world full of horrible people.

[IncompleteSenten]

This is about my son and I'm feeling really upset.

He's autistic. He's 25. He's a really lovely young man.

So why does absolutely nobody in the world want to be his friend?

When he was in senior school I would hug him and tell him that kids can be cruel but they grow up and learn to be more inclusive.

When he was at college I told him the same thing, they are still growing up, give it time, why not join clubs for things you are interested in and you'll have people to talk to and maybe make friends.
Didn't work.

When he was at uni doing his degree I told him you'll find your tribe here, people at uni are more mature, they are more accepting.

Didn't happen.

Now he's at uni doing his masters and he still hasn't got a single person who even wants to have lunch with him.

He has an odd way of talking, people often say he sounds like English is not his first language but surely that can't be an issue.

He stims and he has some topics he is obsessive about yesterday but so what?

He's kind hearted, he's considerate, he's the first person to want to help anyone, he's got a great sense of humour, he has never got drunk or done drugs or smoked, his worst habit is his carb addiction!

He went on a student union organised trip today and he's there all alone. Bus full of students. He took yet another chance trying to socialise and he's alone. Again.

I have asked so many people to please be honest with me and tell me if I am missing something and they all assure me he's lovely.

Why can't people see past a bit of so called 'weirdness' and see who someone is and see what a good friend they could be if only someone would give them a chance?

Bless him. He sounds like he would be a lovely friend.

I don’t think most people are deliberately horrible, but so many can be self-absorbed and have no empathy to make even a little effort.

This is in no way blaming your son, but does a come across as a little bit needy because he is so keen to make friends? It’s hard to tell him to be patient since he’s been waiting a long time to make friends, but it’s good to relax and enjoy your own company in the meantime, just say hello and smile. Sorry, this all sounds a bit trite. I know it can be very hard.

Are there any opportunities to interact more one to one, as groups can be difficult.

I dont know how "yesterday" ended up in there

Thanks
He's tried that too and people just make excuses.

Excuses obvious to me I mean.

He's joined different groups at uni too and nobody wants to interact with him.

He can't even make a friend at the uni's autistic students club!!

People can be horrible op. It's just how it is , but it shouldn't be like this.
I'm sorry he hasn't found his tribe , it must be so hard for you and him too.
I hope people have some better advice for you , but didn't want to read and run.
Take care

What’s his masters in? Does he actually want to find a tribe or are you worrying about this when actually he’s pretty contented in his own company?

"does a come across as a little bit needy because he is so keen to make friends?"

Possibly yes, but more shy I think because he's suffered rejection so many times that he just assumes nobody will want to be friends with him.

But he still tries, I've advised him to do all the usual stuff - smile, say hi, small talk etc.

Which is hard because I also have autism so when it comes to social stuff it's the blind leading the blind.

The only difference is I don't want friends so I'm happy! He does and I don't know how to help him.

Thank you

Thanks. Yes he does want friends. He talks about how lonely he feels and says that he knows he will be lonely forever and he needs to learn to turn his feelings off, which is heartbreaking to hear.

His degree was games design and his masters is global mba.

Is it possible that these trips etc are being attended by existing groups, so people not thinking about making new pals or socialising in that way.

What about local walking groups, or apps designed for friendships?

I'm sorry. Mine is younger and in the same boat, but like you, says he isn't that bothered.
Very pragmatic. But so matter of fact about it that it breaks me. He says it would be nice to have a friend but he hasn't so that's that.
I am encouraging him to do more clubs in September and he games online but I just don't want him to end up lonely. I often feel lonely so am on here a lot. It's bloody hard sometimes.

You say he can’t make friends at the uni’s autistic club but are there any other Sen groups around that he could try?

I have an autistic daughter and she will always seek out another ND child in any group to become friends with. Sometimes they are undiagnosed and parents have no idea, but she can tell. It’s only ND children that she wants to be friends so whilst I know your son might be completely different, I thought I would suggest it.

It was a general open trip but yes I imagine most people prefer to go with someone they know rather than alone.

He's given so many clubs and groups a try without much success.

The most helpful gets is people being 'nice' to him if anyone gets what I mean by that.

When people really aren't interested in interacting with you but they know you are disabled so the feel they have to be tolerant.

OP, I'm not unsympathetic, because you sound so sad about it, but, bluntly, he's the common denominator here. You can't decide absolutely every person he's encountered throughout school and two different university degrees is 'horrible' because they haven't befriended him. I'm certain he's a lovely person, but the world is full of perfectly nice people -- it's no guarantee of people wanting to be their friends, and not wanting to befriend one individual is no sign of either immaturity or nastiness. And not drinking or doing drugs is neither here nor there.

My own autistic godson is currently in the final year of his undergraduate degree and after a shaky start, is doing fine socially. His mother and I both spent a lot of time with him in his mid-teens role-playing social situations and teaching him how to recognise that he was boring someone, or that they didn't want to continue the conversation (he was also given to lengthy monologues on pet topics, and had to be taught how to recognise other people's social cues). Might that be something you or a family member can work on with your DS? What is he planning to do next?

Can he start his own group for people that want to make/more friends?

Oh OP, you and your son sound lovely. It sounds like he's had some bad luck in addition to his autism that has perhaps caused him to struggle more. Most university masters students are in their early 20s and I think it's easy to be self-absorbed and self-conscious at that age. I hope he keeps trying and finds his people soon. There's still lots of time for him to find friends, keep reassuring him and remain positive about him trying.

Just to say my heart goes out to you and your son. I hope he finds the companionship he seeks x

Hi I know exactly how he feels, I'm autistic, 45 years old female, I've never made friends that stick
The things I've learned over the years are to try and be happy in my own company, make use of "situationships" eg works nights out where everyone is invited,
I've given up on clubs/activities with NT people as it just leads to more rejection and disappointment
I do some times attend support group outings, where its a day out to maybe a zoo or cafe and walk, but with low expectations and just go along for my own fun rather than thinking this time will be the time I meet some one
I saw a tik tok about relationships and it said "attract don't chase" for a long time I was the chaser, maybe I did seem desperate I don't know, but the attract does not seem to work for me, but I'm no longer the chaser
I have made 1 friend that I've kept in touch with for a few years now, he's autistic too, it's not how I imagined friends as I had visions of shopping trips and cocktails, which isn't his scene, but we get along, have very similar life experiences so I really value his friendship
I've recently been ghosted by an autistic lady which I though the friendship was going OK but obviously not
It's a tough world, and I don't even take my own advice enough,
I think other autistic people and being happy on your own are the way forward, that and family, I hope he finds happiness x

Have to agree here. You must objectively know the world isn’t full of horrible people. When you’re young it’s often full of insecure people who struggle themselves and don’t want to be with someone ‘different’. Everyone is just trying to make their own way and often have no idea of other people’s struggles.

Your lovely son may find it gets easier as his peer group ages.

Horrible is my emotions talking I suppose but I do genuinely feel most people are simply not interested or are unable to see beyond so called 'weird' behaviours and see the many positives a person has about them.

I've had him in so many clubs, groups and therapies over the years to try to help him. I can't teach him how to make friends because I couldn't do it even if I wanted to.

I looked online but haven't really found much that would be suitable.

Any suggestions for online groups would be very gratefully received.

I've dropped you a PM.

Hi OP @IncompleteSenten

I would suggest to befriend non native. I am not an English native and it is much easier to struck friendships and acquitances with someone who is non native as they are much more open to social contact and happy to build new ones. Plus, if he is happy to be on his own, then I don't think you should be worried. I don't have many closed friends by choice because I don't like superficial relationship. He can join international students societies if he is still in university.

I second the idea of spending time with the non native speakers who may be more accepting of establishing new friendships at this stage in uni life.
You mentioned too that he studied games design. Is he a gamer? If so there's a whole world of connections he can make albeit online but there must be a gaming community at his uni too.

I've spent some time recently working with product designers from an international company. They are from all over the world but are based at the company's HQ in Europe, they are the friendliest, most curious and most accepting bunch and most are neuro diverse - their obsessive nature is especially welcomed in their field where they excel. I know you've kept saying it through his different life stages so far but he will find his people, it may just not be till he gets into work.

OP, I'm not unsympathetic, because you sound so sad about it, but, bluntly, he's the common denominator here. You can't decide absolutely every person he's encountered throughout school and two different university degrees is 'horrible' because they haven't befriended him. I'm certain he's a lovely person, but the world is full of perfectly nice people -- it's no guarantee of people wanting to be their friends, and not wanting to befriend one individual is no sign of either immaturity or nastiness. And not drinking or doing drugs is neither here nor there

I agree with this. I am NT but when I was a child/teen I was chronically shy and awkward around others to the point of it being a social phobia. I used to blush bright red, and just clam up to the point of muteness. I struggled to make friends and thought that everyone was not very nice or not giving me a chance but looking back, I get it now- my social awkwardness just made it really hard for others to get to know me. Social skills are so very important and people tend to hang out with people who put them at ease, not make them feel like they have to work really hard to get a relaxed interaction going.

I think going on some courses to improve social skills would help him if such a thing exists? I am sure there must be something along those lines.

Honestly. The world is full of lovely people with the odd arsehole. Perhaps he needa to be guided to find his tribe?

Clubs for his interests? Etc?

OP you say he's really kind and thoughtful (and I'm sure he is) but how is he in social situations?
You say he can be obsessive about topics, do you recon he might be also obsessively talking at people for hours on end?
I have met NT people who do that, literally monologuing about whatever they are fascinated by. It makes any potential friendship impossible as they never ask about you or care to hear what you think. You just let them rattle on for 10-15 minutes, make your excuses and go.