Sometimes I ask myself is the entire world full of horrible people.

[IncompleteSenten]

This is about my son and I'm feeling really upset.

He's autistic. He's 25. He's a really lovely young man.

So why does absolutely nobody in the world want to be his friend?

When he was in senior school I would hug him and tell him that kids can be cruel but they grow up and learn to be more inclusive.

When he was at college I told him the same thing, they are still growing up, give it time, why not join clubs for things you are interested in and you'll have people to talk to and maybe make friends.
Didn't work.

When he was at uni doing his degree I told him you'll find your tribe here, people at uni are more mature, they are more accepting.

Didn't happen.

Now he's at uni doing his masters and he still hasn't got a single person who even wants to have lunch with him.

He has an odd way of talking, people often say he sounds like English is not his first language but surely that can't be an issue.

He stims and he has some topics he is obsessive about yesterday but so what?

He's kind hearted, he's considerate, he's the first person to want to help anyone, he's got a great sense of humour, he has never got drunk or done drugs or smoked, his worst habit is his carb addiction!

He went on a student union organised trip today and he's there all alone. Bus full of students. He took yet another chance trying to socialise and he's alone. Again.

I have asked so many people to please be honest with me and tell me if I am missing something and they all assure me he's lovely.

Why can't people see past a bit of so called 'weirdness' and see who someone is and see what a good friend they could be if only someone would give them a chance?

I’ve got a younger version of your DS and I know how hard it is. X

I have known many ND people and worked directly with lots helping them. And generally the only people in their world is their family, support workers and other ND people as friends. So the first two have to be there, and the last are in the same world. It's sad but most NT can't tolerate them for long, just short bursts of polite convo. Wish it was different. I've always liked the "misfits"

I don't have a good answer but I find society puzzling in general this way.

For instance, it's perfectly fine to walk down the street ignoring each other, not saying hi etc. And we say that's fine but really it's not natural at all and things like this must have an effect on our mental health.

I think society is just very alienating to a lot of people.

Hope your son finds some friends.

People usually gravitate towards people like themselves in many ways, based on all kinds of big and small social signals they send out. And yes, I'm afraid it's true that lots of people may well not tend to gravitate towards strangers who they perceive as giving off an air of 'weirdness'. It's wariness rather than horribleness in most cases though, I think.

People aren't being horrible - it would be very unusual for multiple friendships to be sustained past small chat unless people genuinely clicked which it sounds like he hasn't yet. The list by PP is a good one. And for what it's worth, it's bloody hard making friends when your NT too - lots of rejection, lots of people not replying, lots of attending groups you're not that interested in.

I’m really sorry your son is struggling but it isn’t ‘horrible’ for people to not want somebody as a friend (or simply not want any more friends regardless of who they are). Has he tried making friends with other autistic people via groups and online?

He is very lucky to have such a loving, supportive Mum.

This. There are many people I dont click with as a friend and have chosen not spend time with and there are people who have decided they dont want to be close friends with me for the same reason. None of us are horrible people, we simply arent compatible.

I also agree with a PP that if your son (who sounds lovely btw) is acting a bit weird then that is inevitably going to put people off a bit. Thats not because they are being mean, it's because people dont tend to feel comfortable with behaviour that they arent used to or familiar with so it is going to make them slightly wary. If he is also talking obsessively about certain topics as you mention then yes, people will get fed up of that quickly because to them, it's boring and tedious and there is no space for a back and forth discussion. Heck, plenty of NT people dominate conversations and it comes across as really self centred even if it that isnt their intention.

Can he not find some other ND students who share his similar interests?- that seems like a good way to bond with others- over the topics he particularly enjoys and then they can both talk about them together which will give them some great common ground as a friendship starter.

It's hard but as an autistic adult I do think you just get used to it a bit, and generally just feel less of a need for that social contact. My DS is an autistic adult too but he has no RL friends, and is perfectly content with his online gaming/chat friends (who all live abroad). He wouldn't stand a chance finding RL friends as he has terrible personal hygiene, and on MN would be labelled as a loser for having no qualifications or job and gaming all day. He is nice and kind enough though and has a great sense of humour. People make friends with others who they connect with and it doesn't make them horrible if they don't connect with you.

I've learned not to be so dependent on friendships as an adult and I've come to terms with that now. I'm lucky that I have my DH and my dcs but no friends beyond that. I don't feel lonely because I spend all my time with my dcs and DH, but I also like time on my own. I don't make an effort to try to make friends because I like doing things on my own terms and don't even have time to fit in meet ups with anyone else these days.

I'm autistic, and at the age of 50 I can confidently say I only really get on with other neurodivergent people. They don't have to be autistic, just neurodivergent. It was a lightbulb moment when I was diagnosed that I realised the few people I'd really clicked with in life were neurodivergent.

I would suggest it might be worth your son seeking out other neurodivergent people - is there a neurodiverse community at his university that he can join?

My heart goes out to you. It is heartbreaking.
My DS is younger than your son. To his peers he is "weird". He has no expectations of anyone being friends with him at school.

He has found some social interaction with gaming, doing D&D and Warhammer. These gaming communities seem to be more accepting of individuals.
He currently has a small tribe of friends based on these interests.
Perhaps look at Wargammer, D&D, Magic etc... a lot of shops connected to this hobby do social events.

I have ADHD rather than autism so I experience frustrations in different areas but I did have an autistic friend and found it quite challenging. The lack of eye contact was hard as for me, thats a social cue to me that someone is listening and she was very pedantic about everything I said. For example, if she expressed sadness about something and I said "I'm so sorry to hear that" she would berate me for saying that because why was I saying sorry when technically it wasnt my fault etc. It made me feel really self conscious about what I should and shouldn't say and it became really difficult for us to communicate. I felt that I wasnt able to express myself naturally and had to constantly edit everything in my head which was exhausting.

I dont think it makes me horrible, I am just trying to explain why it was difficult from my side of it. Sadly, our friendship drifted (from both sides). I'm not sure what the answer is because sometimes it's literally just that you are both communicating in completely different ways. I agree with PP that maybe he'd feel more comfortable making friends with other ND students because their communication styles may be more similar and familiar which will make it easier.

Another one to second D&D. My lovely ND DD has found a lot of happiness playing this game with her siblings. Also enlisting wider family to support them, my DD is great friends with her Gran. People are very kind to my DD but not always who you'd expect!

OP, I have a mate who's autistic and historically had an issue making friends.

I met him while volunteering for a search team. We train together, search together. It was a chance to work with him long enough to see his many strong points. His consideration, his determination, his intelligence, his kindness. His resilience.

When we've been out half the night looking for a despondent, and I'm exhausted, I know he'll be there with a smile & a hot coffee.

Can your ds find something where people work together? Is he in a city? Volunteering at a city farm or for a charity where people work in teams would be ideal. It offers a way for people to spend longer together on a common purpose. Better if it requires fitness because they are likely to be younger.

I wish him luck. x

It takes a long time, often.
You mention that he’s tried so many clubs / activities… taking a leap, but does that mean he’s given it a go at things he’s not actually that interested in? If he rocks up to try fencing but doesn’t really care about fencing, his chances of making friends are reduced. Of course, those people will have more than one thing about them… but he may already be “fishing” in a common ground that they don’t have. So it might be better to just persist and keep going to 1-2 activities that he has a real interest in. Partly because then he actually has genuine common ground, partly because it takes time to get to know people, partly because the longer you stick at it, the more chance you’ll still be there if someone who’s a fit for you joins later!

All that said about common interests, many of my friends through the years have come through work. So even if he doesn’t need a part time job financially- consider getting one!

Yy to previous post. I was thinking about whether he could volunteer to help in a group or at a group event (as opposed to just taking part) as he may find having a role helpful? It can take some of the pressure off the social interaction and conversation/getting to know people can become more natural as he'll have something to share/in common with others who are also helping.

I was referring @Meadowfinch's post, just to be clear!

Finding your group is often luck as much as anything else for anyone, NT or ND.

My ds has ASD and he's got a lovely group of friends both in and out of school.
Neither my girls who are NT really found their group at school, but did a uni.

It wasn't anything to do with people being horrible, or their behaviour, simply they never found a group they clicked with.

Try encouraging him to do a few things that involve working together. Backstage at a theatre (would he be interested in tech?) for example. Or volunteering with a group.

Thing is that if he isn't confident with people that will go against him. Think about it: You arrive where there are lots of people. What do 99% of people do? They go to talk to the people they already know and get on with. They're not being nasty by not going to the person they don't know. They probably don't notice the person on their own, and if they do, may well assume that they have friends coming or don't want to butt in.
It takes someone confident to go up to a person they don't know and chat. If he's not going to do that (and tbf I'm not keen on doing that in most situations) then he's relying on someone not having anyone else they know and being confident enough to go up to him - and him reacting in a way that they respond to, which if he's lacking in confidence he may not seem to respond to them in a way that makes them know he wants to make friends.

I'm autistic and instantly guessed (correctly!) that the thread would involve ND.

This is largely my experience of life. I continue to face a lot of misunderstanding and rejection from the vast majority of people and I feel shame for who I am.

However, I am married with DC, hold down a full time professional role, I have a couple of very good friends (albeit not local) and there is a lot of life I love (travel, art, clothes, drawing, running etc) and ASD has provided the focus to bring huge joy and a decent level of accomplishment in some of these areas.

It's not easy. I'm often overwhelmed and I can get angry with how the world is not set up for people like me and yes, there's a fair few people who are ableist out there, but a fulfilling life can be carved out. He needs to focus on what he loves, his strengths and hopefully he will find connection even if it is online to start with (often useful for people with ND who may struggle with face to face interaction).

Just wanted to say that your son sounds like a lovely young man and I hope things get better for him. I’m sure his friends are out there, he just hasn’t found them yet. And you sound like a wonderful mum. X

Sorry, to add, he needs to be consistent with his clubs/ activities. Building relationships take patience and time. I struggle with that at times, but it really is crucial.

@IncompleteSenten

I am not neurodiverse but my sister and my friend of many years is.
Both are a bigger challenge than my neurotypical friends and family then it comes to friendship.

Both struggle with friendship and being with others.
They are kind and clever, but often just demand too much from me. They often act more intensively than the majority. They often don't pay attention or listen. They need me to step up to care for their needs not even aware of the toll it takes.

I sometimes have to withdraw to take care of myself. They do not have a natural understanding of where the boundaries are.
This makes it absolutely difficult for them to create and maintain friendships.

I am not a horrible person. I understand how difficult it can be to be your son's friend. But I do wish he finds friends!

I agree, currently at the UK Games Expo with D&D obsessed DS. A very welcoming community and no small talk required as they're either playing or talking about it!

OP is the autistic society at uni somewhere where he might feel comfortable asking some of the others if they could tell him if he's doing something to put people off??

He may find the blunt approach helps him. If he explains that he really wants to know so he can learn better ways of socialising then people may feel brave enough to be honest

Has he tried the website Hiki? It’s online friendship and dating for the autistic/neurodiverse community