Family rift after bereavement

[LunaLorna]

My DF passed away suddenly from a heart attack last year. We decided to have him cremated.

Dad has relatives up in Scotland that we visit occasionally, although not often as they live quite a distance away from us.

I went to visit them at Christmas, and took a small amount of Dad’s ashes with me. My sister was also invited on this trip but she was spending Christmas with her in laws, so declined.

I went and scattered some of the ashes, I left the rest as not all of my Dad’s siblings were there and they wanted to scatter some as well.

Upon my return home, my sister has sent me numerous messages telling me how hurt she is that she wasn’t included. I pointed out that she was invited to this trip, but she is angry because I didn’t specify that I’d be taking our father’s ashes with me.

I’ve apologized numerous times but she can’t seem to let it go. Most of the ashes are still here, and I’ve said we can still scatter the rest together, or she can take some and scatter them by herself - whatever she wants. But she just keeps saying how angry she is that we didn’t include her.

Who is at fault here? Did I really mess up? I feel that her grief is causing the anger, but I just wanted to know if I should have made sure that she could also join for something like this. I’ve apologized so many times, but it doesn’t make a difference. She isn’t speaking to me at all at the moment.

I'm so sorry. Honestly, that was a big mess up. I'd be furious as well if my parents ashes were scattered without me knowing. She knew about the trip but not what was happening. She should have been told and given the chance to veto the plan until she could be there.

That said, while I would be very upset, I wouldnt cut off a living relative for it. I do understand why you took the opportunity to do it. People respond differently to grief.

From the tone of your post I wonder if you are still hedging your apology, 'sorry but... You were invited, ashes are still there, I didnt think it would be a problem.' Rather than fully admitting it was wrong and you can see how much it hurt her. No ifs or buts.

Do you see and agree it was the wrong thing to do? Until you do there's no much moving forward.

If you can see it was a screw up then maybe right a letter fully apologising and acknowledging the hurt you caused without any amendments or excuses. Then tell her how important she is to you and ask how you can make amends. Be sincere.

If she still wont forgive you and move on then that is her choice, albeit a very sad one. Hopefully as grief fades she'll realise you are more important.

Look after yourself in all this, youre grieving too.

You said your goodbyes to df in your way. Some ashes left she can do the same.
Sorry for your loss op.

Sorry OP but that’s a mega no no! I’d be devastated if my dad’s ashes were split up. The idea of an arm in Scotland and then being given permission by my sibling to take a chunk of him off somewhere else (perhaps a leg?!?) Clearly you can’t undo this but I’d be distraught if I was your sister and the offer of giving her a piece isn’t a fair recompense. I don’t know how you come back from this but I’d suggest grovel a lot!

You definitely should have told her you were taking your dads ashes and scattering them. When my mum died (her and dad lived in Spain) I specifically told him not to scatter her without me there. My brother and sister were out visiting him at the same time and they took it upon themselves to scatter her and tell me after. It was very very hurtful. I found it very hard to move past, but in time I did although I'm still cross about it and always will be.

Just understand why your sister is so upset and give her time. Grief is a funny old thing, we are all different and have our own ways of dealing with it.

You scattered your dad’s ashes without telling your sister?!

you are most definitely in the wrong here.

I am sorry for your loss.
I am afraid I agree with your sister. I would find what you did unforgivable to be honest.

You didn’t mess up, this is just her grief.

Stop apologising though, tell her you’ve apologised enough, you meant it, you love her and still will when she has calmed down

I would be incandescent

A - that you’d split him up into bits
B - that you hadn’t allowed me to make the decision about being there are the scattering of a small amount of him because you withheld the info that you were doing it. She may have changed her Christmas plans if she’d known, or at the very least she could have said she wasn’t happy you weee doing it on a day when she had plans and asked you to rearrange.
C - that you’d left bits of him for his siblings to scatter without discussing it with anyone else (like his other children)

I think it’s absolutely weird to unilaterally take a small amount of a person and scatter them without even telling other people involved, let alone discussing it.

I think you messed up a bit here OP. Scattering ashes is a pretty significant event, I'm can't understand why you didn't mention that when you invited her on the trip?

I think you messed up too, I have DH's ashes here but would never scatter even a part of him without discussing it with his daughter first and making sure she could be there if she wanted to.

What's done is done (I tend to think that ashes are just that, it wasn't splitting up his limbs but I get we sometimes see things differently). I'd write to her giving a final apology for doing something that has upset her so much and telling her that you hope you can both move on from it as she is very dear to you. Then I'd leave it up to her, keep rest of ashes in a cupbosrd/on the mantelpiece and then....allow yourself to grieve. I'm sorry for your loss.

You don’t think the OP omitting telling her sister she had unilaterally decided to scatter some of their dads ashes was a little bit of a mess up?

Sorry OP, I’m not going to pile on, you didn’t do anything maliciously but I can see why she’s upset.

Ok thanks all for your comments, I will take them on board.

Had you discussed scattering his ashes in different places before?

I’d be gutted if you were my sister and this was our dad and you hadn’t told me this is what you were planning on doing.

You know what while I can see why your sister is upset. You should have told her beforehand as she may have changed her plans. Talk to her when she has had a chance to charm down and arrange to do something she wants to do with the rest of the ashes.

When my mum died, my Dad and sister wanted her ashes buried. I really didn't, it was the last thing I wanted in fact I've been to the grave once. I let them bury her, it still upsets me 20 years latter because my sister is the only one able to go and vist that grave and I new that would be that case. I would have loved to have able to have scattered even just some of her ashes.

Yes, you were in the wrong here OP.

I lost my dad completely unexpectedly 7 years ago, we still have his ashes, and would be absolutely bloody furious if my sister "separated him" and scattered some without my knowledge or permission.

I also suspect that your apologies have come with lots of "I'm sorry, but..."s

Basically "sorry, not sorry".

I'd be extremely upset if you'd taken my DF's ashes and split them without telling me. Something as important as that should be arranged and done at a time that's convenient to both siblings and other family invited if you'd both have liked. The ashes are all that's left of your DF, and I don't think I'd get my head around them being split. I'm sorry, but you did mess up, OP.

I'm in the minority but I think it's an OTT reaction. But it is what it is. Some people are incredibly dramatic, posts on this thread show she isn't the only one. Being 'incandescent', really.

You seem to lack understanding that other people have different levels of emotions to you. It’s fairly closed minded to label emotion as drama, just because you yourself don’t feel it.

I agree with this. I think I’m a bit of a realist and doubt my mums ashes are actually her and her alone.

I sprinkled some of my mums ashes in my garden, and her garden. I left the rest for my family to do what they wish.

I said my goodbyes in my way. I am at peace with that.

Obviously you need to try and make up with your sister as this is important and you do need to give her a fulsome apology. Perhaps even in a letter?

I have to agree. I would be so very upset at this. Firstly, splitting of ashes, then scattering of some. You really should not have done either of these two things without discussing it with her and her agreement.

I have ashes which I need to respectfully deal with, in the full agreement of my sister. I would be horrified if these ashes were split and some independently taken to be scattered without my knowledge. It is something that would quite literally stay with me forever. Whilst I would have to try and overcome my upset I would be so deeply disappointed with my sister.

You should have informed her about the ashes. That’s pretty bad.

I actually think it’s a bit weird to split ashes but that’s personal. But if she feels similarly then she also be struggling with part of her dad being separate.

DM's ashes are in another country and I know she wanted them scattered in a specific place in Britain. I'm hoping to bring them back later this year, but if I find they've already been scattered without me and DB being told I am NOT going to be happy.

I think you were in the wrong, OP, and should apologise.

I feel for you both OP. Obviously your intention was to do a nice thing but it has upset your sister.

Thinking that your sister is not supposed to feel as she feels is a problem though. You are not the arbiter on how much another person is allowed to feel about something you have done.

I would try to apologise sincerely for your part in upsetting her and ask her if you can repair the rift. Separately I would look at whether you have a tendency to dismiss other people’s emotions. That won’t help the relationship going forward if you do.

I'm in the minority but I think it's an OTT reaction. But it is what it is. Some people are incredibly dramatic, posts on this thread show she isn't the only one. Being 'incandescent', really.

Yes, really. Sneaking off with a tablespoon of your dad’s ashes is a shitty thing to do to someone who you should love. It would be a shitty thing to do to a stranger, let alone your own sister. Having a discussion about the disposal of ashes with the deceased other children is a completely reasonable expectation and is not “incredibly dramatic” to expect that to happen before people start chucking a bit here and there. If it’s not important then what was the OP even doing it for? Scattering ashes is obviously a big deal to her but she’s baffled that her own sister should care at all. She didn’t even bother to tell her sister, despite it being an organised thing involving travel and lots of other people. I know some people have astonishingly low standards on how other people should behave and how they expect people to treat them but, really, just letting people wander off with a scoop of your parents ashes without even having the decency to tell you, let alone discuss it? Who puts up with shit like that? So, yes, I would be incandescent, but congratulations on being chill with people treating you like trash I guess.