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Original poster

Family rift after bereavement

27 replies

LunaLorna · 31/05/2024 09:23

My DF passed away suddenly from a heart attack last year. We decided to have him cremated.

Dad has relatives up in Scotland that we visit occasionally, although not often as they live quite a distance away from us.

I went to visit them at Christmas, and took a small amount of Dad’s ashes with me. My sister was also invited on this trip but she was spending Christmas with her in laws, so declined.

I went and scattered some of the ashes, I left the rest as not all of my Dad’s siblings were there and they wanted to scatter some as well.

Upon my return home, my sister has sent me numerous messages telling me how hurt she is that she wasn’t included. I pointed out that she was invited to this trip, but she is angry because I didn’t specify that I’d be taking our father’s ashes with me.

I’ve apologized numerous times but she can’t seem to let it go. Most of the ashes are still here, and I’ve said we can still scatter the rest together, or she can take some and scatter them by herself - whatever she wants. But she just keeps saying how angry she is that we didn’t include her.

Who is at fault here? Did I really mess up? I feel that her grief is causing the anger, but I just wanted to know if I should have made sure that she could also join for something like this. I’ve apologized so many times, but it doesn’t make a difference. She isn’t speaking to me at all at the moment.

OP posts:
watchuswreckthemic · 31/05/2024 13:53

LunaLorna · 31/05/2024 09:23

My DF passed away suddenly from a heart attack last year. We decided to have him cremated.

Dad has relatives up in Scotland that we visit occasionally, although not often as they live quite a distance away from us.

I went to visit them at Christmas, and took a small amount of Dad’s ashes with me. My sister was also invited on this trip but she was spending Christmas with her in laws, so declined.

I went and scattered some of the ashes, I left the rest as not all of my Dad’s siblings were there and they wanted to scatter some as well.

Upon my return home, my sister has sent me numerous messages telling me how hurt she is that she wasn’t included. I pointed out that she was invited to this trip, but she is angry because I didn’t specify that I’d be taking our father’s ashes with me.

I’ve apologized numerous times but she can’t seem to let it go. Most of the ashes are still here, and I’ve said we can still scatter the rest together, or she can take some and scatter them by herself - whatever she wants. But she just keeps saying how angry she is that we didn’t include her.

Who is at fault here? Did I really mess up? I feel that her grief is causing the anger, but I just wanted to know if I should have made sure that she could also join for something like this. I’ve apologized so many times, but it doesn’t make a difference. She isn’t speaking to me at all at the moment.

I'd actually be okay with this OP. And before other people jump on me yes it's happened to me.
However other people have different emotions as expressed here and sounds like you are going to have to work really hard to repair the damage your sister feels.

TinkerTiger · 31/05/2024 15:01

Zwicky · 31/05/2024 13:37

I'm in the minority but I think it's an OTT reaction. But it is what it is. Some people are incredibly dramatic, posts on this thread show she isn't the only one. Being 'incandescent', really.

Yes, really. Sneaking off with a tablespoon of your dad’s ashes is a shitty thing to do to someone who you should love. It would be a shitty thing to do to a stranger, let alone your own sister. Having a discussion about the disposal of ashes with the deceased other children is a completely reasonable expectation and is not “incredibly dramatic” to expect that to happen before people start chucking a bit here and there. If it’s not important then what was the OP even doing it for? Scattering ashes is obviously a big deal to her but she’s baffled that her own sister should care at all. She didn’t even bother to tell her sister, despite it being an organised thing involving travel and lots of other people. I know some people have astonishingly low standards on how other people should behave and how they expect people to treat them but, really, just letting people wander off with a scoop of your parents ashes without even having the decency to tell you, let alone discuss it? Who puts up with shit like that? So, yes, I would be incandescent, but congratulations on being chill with people treating you like trash I guess.

But I wouldn’t feel like I was being treated like trash. From experience, it’s the people who weren’t around, especially towards the end, and feel consumed with guilt who ‘make up’ for their lack of involvement in the person’s life by making dramas in their death. They’re gone. Being ‘incandescent’ isn’t going to change that, or make you feel better about yourself. It’s a tough pill to swallow.

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