DH Family - Should I be upset or just ignore it

[houseworkneverends]

DH and I have been together for 13 years. We have 2 girls aged 4. DH family live a couple of hours drive away. I get on very well with DH Sister who also has 2 kids 11 & 4 - she lives very near to DH's parents - which I think is relevant.

DH parents have always been dreadful at communication (DH himself isn't great but better over the years). They rarely keep in touch, but do come over to see us and we go over to see them. They make a big fuss of DC when they see them but then it's a case of out of sight out of mind I suppose.

We have a family whatsapp group, we message quite often with little updates. My problem is that I post what I consider to be very important updates, like DD1 coming around from a recent minor operation, DD2 in finding out that she needs to wear glasses - no response to either from parents. Then we send a pic of DD2 with her actual glasses on, she's so proud and loves them - no response.

SIL sends a pic of her two, a very innocuous picture of them playing in the garden and FIL replies straight away saying how lovely.

No issues, no arguments always get on well but this is a common theme in the relationship. DH just says he feels a bit sad about it but doesn't want to say anything to rock the boat, he just says it who they are.

Is DH right or should we bring it up? Both parents are mid 70's for reference.

Well, they're unlikely to change, and they're not the ones who have the problem with the status quo, so it's unlikely to go the way you want. For me, family WhatsApps are for minor stuff, reminders, photos that came up in your phone memories, not anything significant. I would phone with the news that a child needed an operation, for instance -- how did your DH communicate that it was happening? Does your DH speak on the phone with them?

They knew the operation was taking place, the update was about how she was post op - it was just to let everyone know at once - ironically so no one felt left out.

DH does ring them and vice versa but not regularly, I have to prompt him to call

I don’t think that many parents change when their kids point out that their sibling is clearly the favoured one. I can understand why your h would rather not be rejected again when his parents deny.

I think that you should stop trying so hard because it’s highlighting how dysfunctional things are. Save the updates like the operation for when you see them in person.

Sounds like parent in laws

I think family whatsapp groups are for the small stuff with pics- saw these flowers and thought of you...enjoying our sunny bank hol, hope you are too...last sunset on hols.....she loves the card, thank you! etc

I wonder what would have been the response if you had just posted a pic of your dd with glasses - eg new glasses😊! (and not the preceding health info)

Some people get snippy with the 'checking into hospital' type posts and see them as attention seeking.

I wouldn't say anything, I'd just completely stop posting and disengage.

Honestly OP, take a page from my book and don't waste your time trying to facilitate a relationship. Just let your DH deal with it

It really wasn't like that, we posted once DD had come out from her op and posted that it went well etc.

I did post a pic of DD and said look new glasses!! DH's brother & sister replied but not FIL or MIL.

Does your DH post updates, or is it only you? If it's only you, you're at a disadvantage because they're more likely to respond to their daughter than their DIL.

Get your DH to post the updates, or just disengage.

I'd agree with the pp who suggested that WhatsApp is not the avenue for medical updates.

Keep on doing what you do - but don’t have any higher expectations .

I know it’s hard to take but they won’t change even if you do change or say anything. They are missing out but it’s up to them.
Im not a fan of the ‘block’ or ‘disengage’ strategy - people are just people and some just don’t bother as much as others .
If you have a good relationship with your SiL keep it up ( let your DH do his thing too. )

Your in laws are the same age as my grandparents and I know they'd much prefer it if I rang them up or told them in person about important things about my child. Maybe your in laws didn't know how to reply so they were waiting for a phone call from your DH? Maybe stop posting in your in laws' family group chat and just update your side of the family.

But why the need to 'prompt' him? They're his parents, he gets to manage the relationship and initiate as much or as little contact as he sees fit -- you say both your DH and his parents are poor communicators. If he's genuinely saddened by what feels like a disengagement from WhatsApp messages, then he needs to bring it up. If he wants, and it sounds as if he doesn't. It just sounds as if you're alerting him to perceived lacks on their side.

And I agree with a pp who says to let your DH do the 'important' updates, whether by phone or message.

Yes, there are no ILs in my own family WhatsApps (there's one for every family member, one for just me and my sisters, and one for all the siblings) or in DH's -- just immediate family. I think it changes the dynamic.

So we have 2 family WhatsApp groups - one for my side, which my DH is part of and one for DH side which I'm part of. I thought this was kind of standard?

I do suggest to DH that maybe you should call parents as you've not heard from them for a while - I'm not about to moan about how they never call if DH is just as bad.

I mean I gave 2 examples which have recently annoyed me, but in reality it's the mundane updates too. Or FIL will spam pictures on the group of DNiece & DNephew when they've taken them for a day out. It's not as clear cut as "just don't post about medical stuff"

But I suppose the answer to my original question is - I can be both upset by it and also do nothing about it as well.

I guess at mid 70's they aren't going to change now so I just have to accept it as it is

I wouldn't post anything on there if they are not going to respond. Send a picture privately to anyone you're close to but don't give them the information if they haven't the manners to acknowledge it.

thank you, yes this is probably the best idea

I second this. Let your family know how the operation went like normal. Let DHs family ask for information . Just stop. Either they’ll start asking or they‘re simply not interested..which is sad but not as sad as them ignoring your posts..

Just leave the group chat and it's up to your DH if he wants to tell them anything. I don't update the in laws because they're not my parents.

Why shouldn't they change, if they are of sound mind? I know for some it may be unlikely, but there is no reason not to say how you feel. Could you tell them, gently, that your DC would really like input from them when something important in their lives is communicated to them, and it would mean a lot to have their grandparents interested?

Oh, OP. I feel your pain and frustration and hurt.

Unfortunately, as others have pointed out, they won't change and they won't think they've been insensitive.

I would either disengage or carry on posting but lower your expectations (for your own sake). Focus on the nice things in your life and try to stop giving energy-drains your attention.

As a matter of interest, OP, is your SIL's husband in the family WhatsApp? Is it truly both families plus grandparents? Or is it them, their adult children plus you?

It's human nature to prioritise those on the doorstep you see every day. My parents live very close to my brother and comment on the minutiae of his children's lives far more than on those of mine. They love my children to bits and are very attentive grandparents; we are in contact by phone several times a week. But just the proximity means they are more involved in my brother's children.

If you add poor communication on top of that, it's pretty much inevitable. For a lot of years, if I didn't facilitate contact, my PIL would have sod all relationship with their grandchildren (and us). It was only when I consciously stepped away that they started to make an effort.

You can decide not to let it bother you or you can decide to do something about it and up your efforts at involvement.

If you decide not to let it bother you - leave the chat or mute it. Leave it up to your DH to provide photos and updates and all that. Accept that their family relationships are something for your DH and PIL to create. Accept that loving your children and being actively interested aren't the same thing.

If you decide you want to change it, phonecalls make a massive difference in my experience.

Whichever you decide, I hope your daughter has recovered well from her op and her sister is delighted with her new specs.

It sounds like my DH's family WhatsApp group. The only kids that get asked about or achievements commented on are SIL's and golden boy BIL's. The rests updates just get ignored. I have just stopped putting anything in the group since they are not really interested. They didn't even phone my DH or my DD to say happy birthday this year so I will also be stepping back from celebrating anyone else on that side of the family.

SIL is separated from her husband so no he isn't included.

DH has 2 other brothers, 1 isn't on whatsapp and isn't in or has ever been in a relationship to my knowledge (he's a conspiracy theorist and doesn't buy anything from apple or amazon or really anyone he considers avoids tax, which is absolutely fair enough). Other brother lives far away and isn't in a serious relationship, he is in the WhatsApp group and regularly comments on the pictures which is lovely. I consider SIL a great friend, we've done holidays with just us and the kids. She is as different from her parents as you could get 😆

OP - who sends these updates to the group? You, or your DH? Because some in laws can be really odd about this and if it's you, they might not be responding because they think it should be DH. I have two sisters in law like this- they seem to think that as non blood relatives it's deeply inappropriate to post on the family whatsapp. It's very strange.

DH does sometimes, but mainly it is me. If we are organising any kind of event, then the communication will be directed towards me from PIL's or SIL