DH Family - Should I be upset or just ignore it

[houseworkneverends]

DH and I have been together for 13 years. We have 2 girls aged 4. DH family live a couple of hours drive away. I get on very well with DH Sister who also has 2 kids 11 & 4 - she lives very near to DH's parents - which I think is relevant.

DH parents have always been dreadful at communication (DH himself isn't great but better over the years). They rarely keep in touch, but do come over to see us and we go over to see them. They make a big fuss of DC when they see them but then it's a case of out of sight out of mind I suppose.

We have a family whatsapp group, we message quite often with little updates. My problem is that I post what I consider to be very important updates, like DD1 coming around from a recent minor operation, DD2 in finding out that she needs to wear glasses - no response to either from parents. Then we send a pic of DD2 with her actual glasses on, she's so proud and loves them - no response.

SIL sends a pic of her two, a very innocuous picture of them playing in the garden and FIL replies straight away saying how lovely.

No issues, no arguments always get on well but this is a common theme in the relationship. DH just says he feels a bit sad about it but doesn't want to say anything to rock the boat, he just says it who they are.

Is DH right or should we bring it up? Both parents are mid 70's for reference.

Try a test? Get your DH to put the next few updates on and see what happens?

Totally agree. If they're not courteous enough to acknowledge the information, stop providing it. I also don't agree with PP who state that WhatsApp is not the place for medical updates. DH has a large family, spread around the world. If a family member is ill or needs help, the best way to get that info shared quickly is via the family WhatsApp group. Individual calls to so many family members, in different time zones, would be completely untenable.

I hope your DD is recovering well and happy x

Drop the rope.

Do you have parents who spoil them, the dc are all that counts here

I'd just lower amount of posts and not overthink it families and people in families are funny.

When I was freshly separated I sent a picture of my son crawling down stairs solo for the first time and the beaming smile at the bottom so proud that I just managed to snap in between hovering and supervising.

My family group reactions: what a cutie. So proud. Etc etc look at that smile.
My Ex in laws: pull up his trousers before you leave the house. What a state.

I stopped posting to both for fairness after that. So judgemental and horrible!

I do agree though how hard is it to do an emoji heart reaction or some kind of acknowledgement. I'd be disappointed.
But it's not for you to raise it. Their dynamics are their dynamics and probably look embedded. Favouritism sucks but it happens.
Try not to shine a spotlight on it unintentionally and try to avoid doing this to.your littens. You know better!

What do you hope to gain by bringing it up with them? It is highly unlikely their behaviour will change and all it will do is cause bad feelings.

Personally, I think you just have to suck it up and stop caring about it, post what you want to post in the group chat but don’t expect any response.

I would just accept that PIL are closer to their daughter & family and carry on posting the odd update with no expectations that they will comment. Or ask DH to do updates from now on and not bother. Try not to let it get to you - it is what it is! My kids were closer to my mum & dad growing up because they saw a lot of them and PIL lived abroad. They loved their grandchildren but they were just not as involved.

Just leave the group. If no one is arsed when one of your kids had an operation- just come off it

How can you change a family dynamic which probably started before they was all born.
There are always dynamics in families. Theres always a favourite, A Black Sheep. Its never going to change, even when people grow up, get married. ASK ME I WILL TELL YOU.

The absolute weirdness of mumsnet takes never ceases to astound me.

My in-laws are the exact same. My FIL especially. I’ve made a game of it now in the godawful family WhatsApp group. I have muted it but occasionally send a pic, revel in the predicted silence and the immediate pic sent by SIL, which is fawned over. 😂

I wouldn't engage on that WhatsApp group anymore, I would post pictures of your kids to your sil and bil privately and not put any on the WhatsApp group.

let's see if they comment on the lack of photos but they probably won't

If it annoys you, I would mute the in law family whatsapp group and just send updates directly to the inlaws. That way you're not comparing.

Might just be a difference of who they feel they are responding to. You see it as about the grandchildren so are expecting comments equally between your and SIL posts. But maybe they are seeing as responding to their daughter, and just aren't as motivated to respond to you or don't think you expect them to.

Have DH do all the posting for a couple of weeks and see what their engagement is like then.

Honestly this is normal in family WhatsApp groups - especially if you're posting about operations and new glasses that comes across as attention seeking; those aren't group chat topics they're for individual conversations.
Others in the family responded - generally if others in my WhatsApp groups have responded then I won't and similarly they won't if more than one or two have already responded; otherwise those that won't see the messages until later have loads to scroll through that's the group chat etiquette.

I have this too, only it is my own parents who aren't very interested. Last day of school, first day of school, off on a trip, etc etc none of it gets a response but my sister's kids get around of applause for any old rubbish. I really love my parents and get on well with them but I do resent this. In our case it is that my sister lives close to my parents and I live a couple of hours away so they see those grandchildren way more often but they could still try! Honestly it really annoys me. But in answer to your question, I think you need to make your peace with it (as I clearly have! Ha!) and think that you love your kids, you know they are wonderful, you don't need someone else to validate that. They get everything they need for you.
But I totally get it. Solidarity.

Stop engaging with that WhatsApp group and leave your dh to do any updates if you want to make anything known.
As sil is a friend, just communicate with her directly.

I use to do all the communication with ils but found them hard to deal with. So I handed it to dh. They are much better now I wonder if they got sick of only speaking to their son via me or felt like their son wasn't making an effort. It's win win as it's less for me to think about .

@TinyFlamingo why was it fair to stop posting for your parents because of in laws!

I worry I will be a normal granny but affected by a mad mil and my dd being "fair"??

Sorry, confusion @votersswing I still post to my family. I meant I stopped posting to my ex's after that as I don't need that energy and criticism and I find those sort of messages cumulative and heart breaking on the regular 💔
I meant with the separation I wanted to keep the relationship going for my son, and fair, so not post to my family and not his, I intentionally did both if I was going to do one I did the other. But over time this negativity wore me down (and the abuse from ex and his family) I just gave this as an example that was the straw that broke the camels back and thought why do I bother if I only get this in response (or worse).
Hope it clarifies!

@houseworkneverends But I suppose the answer to my original question is - I can be both upset by it and also do nothing about it as well

You have already said exactly what I was going to say. Yes I'd be annoyed too.

@TinyFlamingo thanks you didn't need to explain to me.

Of course getting that negative crap is soul destroying and horrid, well done for cutting it off. So nasty.

Hopefully this was all a bit while ago and your healing now.

We've gone low contact with in laws due to their negativity. I wish we had done it sooner.

A couple of times over the years on here I've read where an op has curtailed her own lovley parents at Xmas or bday or pics due to bad behaviour of in lows and I was thinking oh no... Another one.

I hope to be a near perfect granny after my awful in laws and I am personally projecting thinking "I can go to effort to be super respectful etc and still I may not see babies because of awful in laws and being fair. 😱

I get where you're coming from, op. I updated yesterday my family whatsapp as dc needs glasses, as my mum messaged to see how he'd gotten on at his appointment. Que lots of responses of encouragement as he wasn't happy about it. In fairness, if I text MIL, she would reply, and she takes an interest.

@Votersswing you sound like a fabulous grandma!

Yes a while ago and we now have 50/50 custody so his responsibility to update them and me, mine.

We're all on a journey!

Son 2 and partner are like this with Son 1 never comment,never like,jealous methinks.

Families are weird! Try not to take it personally, it isn't you or your children, it's them. My FiL won't even allow me on the family WhatsApp as "well I'd never need to send her information as my son/her husband can just tell her". He also does a classic of turning everything to himself (my Sil does the same) so if a picture of the kids goes on the group and they're in hospital (for example) the response back will be "I went to hospital in 1973 and had a bed like that". I think part of it is that older people are adjusting to WhatsApp groups and the like, and they're also stuck in their ways and their family dynamics.
If it helps, stop sharing, but I'd just try and see the positives of your relationship with them and try not to compare it to SiL or others. Or try and see the funny side/make it into a game and up the ante. I sometimes like to ask my husband to respond as if my FiL or SiL had said the right thing e.g. "I went to hospital in 1973" gets a response like "she's feeling much better and should be home tomorrow". You could try spamming them till they do actually respond or something!! Whatever you do, just remember they do love you and your children and husband, they're just being themselves and humans are flawed creatures.