Why do people find it easier to make up an excuse than day no thanks?

[Confortableorwhat]

When I invite someone to something, obviously I'd like them to come. If they don't want to, I'd far rather they say that than lie to me with some obviously fabricated reason.

You've still told me you don't want to come and you've lied to me , how is that in anyway better?

Fwiw, when someone does just say no, I'm very careful not to press for a reason, for exactly the reason that I don't want to be lied to.

Most people don’t just take ‘no thanks’ and leave it. They wheedle and pressure people to do the thing they’ve invited them to. You’re a rare one not to tbh.

They are trying to be polite.

god yes I agree OP. I can't bear people who won't just be honest and speak in riddles, or even worse the "we must meet up soon!" people who don't actually want to meet up at all but expect you to read their mind and know they mean they never want to see you again despite just telling you they want to. I take people at face value, I've no time for pussyfooting about.

Some people worry that they're going to be pushed into going even if they say no thanks. Some people can be quite pushy, even if you aren't. I tend to say no thanks and don't give a reason.

see I feel the opposite - If I asked someone to (for example) see a film with me, and they said "Oh sorry, I've got to take my grandma for tea that night" I'd assume that was the truth, so I'd suggest alternative dates to see the film when they weren't busy. If the truth was that they just didn't want to I'd far rather they just said "Thanks, but it's not my kind of thing," so I know that, and don't keep suggesting alternatives in good faith when that isn't what they want.

Because some people don't take "I don't want to" as a no

@Ratisshortforratthew I agree it's better to be truthful but some people struggle with saying no for various reasons.

"Thanks but it's not my kind of thing" is a fine reason.
I think that just saying "no" in this circumstance is rude unless you don't ever want to meet with the person in any way again.

Trying to spare your feelings. You might not be offended if they were honest and said ‘No thanks I find you boring at times or you talk too much about yourself so I can’t be bothered with meeting up’ Most people would feel shit hearing that!

I agree with pp, just saying no without a reason is rude aswell. Most people try to be diplomatic.

‘Does this dress look good on me?’ No you’ve got a muffin top and look hellish, think mutton dressed as lamb! No one would actually say that even if it was the truth - so see how telling a little lie can spare someone’s feelings….

I don't think anyone is suggesting that @Ciderlout 😂you can be honest without being a dick

Many people aren’t used to abrupt or more upfront communication styles. They don’t like to hurt people’s feelings. Giving an excuse is just one of those social niceties that people resort to to make interactions more pleasant.
I feel it’s more complicated nowadays since the internet because I remember my parents accepting a lot more social invites then I do now. Maybe 40 years ago people were more likely to attend and if they couldn’t the excuses were likely to be genuine.

I wish we could curtail this lying culture and be more straightforward. There is so much insidious bullshit (and racism and classism) hidden behind so called ‘politeness’. I just wish authenticity and integrity were the defaults.

British politeness

It's an epidemic as saying No is 'rude' - is it fuck

It's just cultural. It would be very unusual if everyone suddenly just started saying "No, I don't want to".

Even if that would be fine by you, it's not fine culturally in our society.

Don't blame individuals for following societal norms/ rules. It's not their fault, we are all conditioned in certain ways.

I used to do it because my “best friend” would get pissed off if I said no and I was scared of her. I did it because my ex partner would say I was sulking and being difficult if I didn’t want to do what they wanted to do. I did it because my mum could be terrifying and I didn’t want to trigger it.

So basically because shit relationships.

I also had “less words” to explain feelings of not wanting to go out.

This. So I have to find a bulletproof excuse.

I completely agree with you! I would assume they have said the truth and suggest other dates.

However, if they said ‘ no thanks it’s not my thing’. I’d drop it.

Just tell the bloody truth and then we will all know where we stand!

Some people can be quite touchy about you saying 'I don't fancy that' or I don't like the band etc

Maybe they feel it's a judgment on them or something.

So sometimes I'll be honest and other times I'll blame money or too busy.

No you don’t. Just say no firmly and clearly. If they are that rare individual who persists say ‘ I’ve said no. You need to let this go now’ .

But if I'm going to be offended, I'll be offended anyway. You've still told me you don't want to come, and in most cases I'll be well aware you've lied to me too.

Everyone on here being preachy about just saying no and being honest - are you always like that? Genuinely?

I don't think I know anyone who would always 100% honest about why they aren't doing/ attending a thing.

There will always be situations where that will come across as rude and it is more socially acceptable to tell a white lie.

You could choose to not mind, though, because that's just the cultural norm and you understand why they do it.

I wasn't raised to think it was an option and have suffered years of lying or not enjoying events.

Getting to a stage where I feel comfortable just saying, 'no thank you, it's not my kind of thing, but I hope you have a lovely time' has been one of the great breakthroughs of my life.

I mean surely you understand that the hope is most people WONT realise they've been lied to?

Perhaps you have a superbly tuned bullshit detector but a lot of people won't know whether you do have a prior engagement that day or not. Unless you live in one anothers pockets how could they? If someone told me they couldn't attend my event for whatever reason, unless it was a completely outlandish excuse my primary instinct would be to believe them, why wouldn't you?

I actually agree life would be better if we could just say "no sorry" with no further elaborations but as people do nag and interrogate and take offence unfortunately excuses are necessary.

Just because YOU would accept a flat no doesn't mean most people would

Just because YOU can reliably tell if someone's excuse is made up doesn't mean everyone can.

I agree OP. The number of "say you've got covid! Find a photo of an old positive test!" that used to get wheeled out on MN was incredible. Just say "no thanks, it's not for me this week" or whatever. The more people get used to hearing this, the better they should get with dealing with it.