Why do people find it easier to make up an excuse than day no thanks?

[Confortableorwhat]

When I invite someone to something, obviously I'd like them to come. If they don't want to, I'd far rather they say that than lie to me with some obviously fabricated reason.

You've still told me you don't want to come and you've lied to me , how is that in anyway better?

Fwiw, when someone does just say no, I'm very careful not to press for a reason, for exactly the reason that I don't want to be lied to.

I know that many MNers get annoyed by the constant suggestions that everyone on every thread is neuro diverse, but I really do wonder how many posters on this thread are ND.

Should say, agree with most of you.

Because when someone invites you to something, and you say no, they quite often judge the reason why. If that reason is 'I just don't want to' then that's a real spanner in the works for a friendship, even a casual friendship.

The person inviting will feel slighted, and the person declining might not want to never be invited again, to close the door on the friendship. It's just that for this time they don't fancy it. So they make sure the inviter knows there's a good reason for them declining this time so as not to slight them (but please ask again, is the subtext).

And sometimes there are personal reasons. I'm perimenopausal, if you ask me to a barbecue in your hot back garden and I know there's not enough seating; if you ask me to go for a long walk and there are no loos: I don't want to go into the ins and outs of being sweaty, worried about bleeding, all that stuff. Or there's someone I know is going, who I can't stand, but you love them. I'm not going to say that to your face! I will just give a really good reason that might not be 100% true.

Because when someone invites you to something, and you say no, they quite often judge the reason why. If that reason is 'I just don't want to' then that's a real spanner in the works for a friendship, even a casual friendship.

Wouldn't it be lovely (i mean this, not being sarcastic! ) if we lived in a world where friends didn't try and make friends do things they don't want to do?

Because too many people won't take "no" for an answer.

They also seem to get offended if you say "I don't really enjoy X" or "sorry, but Y isn't my thing".

I completely agree. The problem with ”polite” lies is exactly this. So people end up compounding the lie with different stories and excuses. It’s actually kinder to say no thanks, that’s not for me but thanks for asking. You don’t have to say a flat no, there’s plenty options in between “NO” and “oh I’d love to but I have to take granny for tea”.

Though you’re welcome to tell a white lie if the truth is “actually Fictional, I don’t want to come because I find you really boring”.

I agree. If someone invites you to a gig or a football match it is easy to say "No thanks, that's not my thing" But if they want to go for a drink and you are a bit tired and can't be arsed, I think it is fine to say "I can't" instead of "I just don't want to".

Agreed but even being honest sometimes could upset someone so it’s easier to make an excuse and tell a pork pie 😳

It's "I'll think about it" that I hate the most. Just say no.

particularly if it's a big thing like a wedding or a party, that people are 'supposed' to want to come to and for some reason it's not really sociably acceptable to not enjoy- if you invite someone to your wedding and they say 'no thanks I don't want to come, I don't like you enough to spend the money on an outfit, present, drinks, transport and accommodation.' I'll bet not many people would say 'oh fair enough' but would be a bit offended!

thus why 'Oh I'm so sorry but I'm on holiday/can't get time off work/have already promised to attend my grandmother's cat's 20th birthday party,' is a useful white lie.

And why not just ‘I’m sorry but I wont be able to make it’ and that’s it.

Not telling lies doesn’t mean you have to tell the truth of your feelings instead.

I mean if it’s a really close relative and everyone would expect you to be there or a very close friend, yes they’d expect you to explain a bit more.
But for most other invitees …. I dint think anyone would be be bothered to know the whys.

And why not just ‘I’m sorry but I wont be able to make it’ and that’s it.

See I think that leaves a question hanging. If you really couldn't make it because you were doing something else, you would say so. So if you don't say why, you are basically saying "No reason, I'm just not bothered to see you, and I also can't be arsed to put a good face on it".

That’s your own interpretation of things that assumes you are entitled to an explanation.
Why?
Maybe the person doesn’t want to tell you they have a day surgery to treat haemorrhoids that cause them problem for months. Or that they have an appointment at the STI clinic or for an abortion.
Why should they have to invent a fake appointment/reason to assuage your curiosity?

Well I guess they don't if they aren't bothered if I don't invite them next time. Personally, if I want the person inviting me to still count me in for future stuff, I make sure they know it.

This.

It sounds better to say "We'd love to but we are away that weekend" than "no thanks" which could be interpreted as "I just don't want to".

I recently RSVP'd no to a party I just don't want to go to. I thought about making up an excuse but just didn't want to go so thanked her for the invitation but said we can't make it.

I rarely lie. This argument that honesty is rude and blunt and hurts peoples feelings is just lazy. You can always just be yourself and be kind, it’s learning to be comfortable with rock solid boundaries.

I will often say ‘sorry it’s just not my thing’ or ‘oh my goodness that sounds really fun and but I’m just a bit old and past using portaloos now…’ or ‘well I’m just crap with early mornings, can we meet later? Or at least start gently with a coffee?’ Or ‘…does that mean we’ve got to go in the car with Dave? Because I’m a nervous passenger I’d rather drive…’ or ‘so you want my opinion about the dress? Well I’d say you’ve got an amazing figure but that doesn’t do it justice. It’s a really pretty colour though…’ etc etc.

I don’t think there is any scenario (outside of work) where I wouldn’t be able to give an authentic answer.

This is really interesting. There was a 10 minute session on women's hour about someone who, after therapy, was pulled up on the fact that she is constantly making white lies. She said she was being a people pleaser and said yes to invites she didn't want to go to or would lie and make excuses. She then made a conscious effort to stop lying and yes she lost a couple of friends along the way (those who she would meet up with but didn't really want to) but now feels liberated to be free of the lying!!

So you’re saying that people are only your friends if they tell you all about their life but lie instead if they want to keep some stuff to themselves?

Between you and me, I think I’d prefer not to have a friend like this.

Just like when I asked a friend what’s going on (she made a remark that made things something wasn’t quite right) and she said ‘I’d rather not talk about it’. I dropped it. I didn’t feel she was a bad friend for saying that. And I didn’t think she was supposed to give me a white lie to avoid tte question.

I guess we are not destined to be friends then 😥

Luckily it has never been a problem in real life, because nobody I know just says "Sorry no" with no further communication. Whether they are lying in their further communication I cannot say, and if they are I don't judge them for it, I just consider them to have normal social skills.

I think 'I won't be able to make it' is the neutral ground between specifically saying "I have other plans that clash" and "I don't want to"... It's not to be questioned!

Because unfortunately,some a lot of people won't just accept a 'Sorry,no,I can't' and will keep pressing for a reason for the refusal.