Please help. Just found this on my dad's back.

[sprigatito]

My dad's partner died of cancer a few days ago, he and I were with her when she died, and I've brought him home with me until the funeral (and probably permanently). He's got Alzheimer's and his partner was his carer. He's been looking pained and twisting his shoulder, he said it's just a spot, but I made him show me his back and found this. It looks just like the squamous cell carcinoma he's had removed before, only it's enormous. He's lost weight and is pale and more vague and breathless than usual, but I thought it was just grief

This is really fucking bad, isn't it? He survived stage 4 lymphoma in 2017 and has a heart condition. I have a doctor calling me back from 111, but should I just take him to A&E?

So a nurse called me back and said that it doesn't sound infected, it's more like the lesion is ulcerating normally (?!) as the fluid is mostly clear and he doesn't have a temperature. She said that as the appointment is in a few days I should keep doing what I'm doing, keep the outside of it clean and change the dressing regularly. She did tell me what kind of dressing I should be using which was helpful. She said take him to A&E if his general condition deteriorates, he develops fever etc.

Glad you got a call back. Sending strength.

Gosh you poor thing having to deal with this. My mum had Lewy body dementia and developed myeloma - such difficult decisions when deciding on treatments. I hope you get some support soon, you've been treated terribly so far.

That seems very sensible.
You need to avoid A and E if you possibly can.
I'm glad they rang you back.

I'm so sorry this is happening OP. That gap between initial consultation and diagnosis is so so hard, especially when the patient seems to be worsening before your eyes every single day. Anything it takes for him (and you) to hang in there until that appointment on the 5th is absolutely fine, wine, painkillers, heated blankets, whatever. I have so much sympathy because these days must be seeming to crawl by. By this time next week you will hopefully have some answers, so just hold onto that. What you are doing right now is amazing.

I've been silently following your thread but wanted to reach out today to send love and strength. I have a partner with a lifelong condition that has meant a number of long nights sitting up with him when he has an episode trying to manage without any medical support to speak of unless it becomes so urgent they have to blue light him in to hospital. A lot of it ends up guess work making decisions on the hoof about the best thing to do for him in the moment. It's an incredibly lonely place to be so please know there are lots of us here thinking of you and willing you to keep going. Hang on in there until the 5th and then hopefully some proper support may kick in.

Thank you, it means so much to have MNers wishing us well and keeping me company. It's like having a group of friends on my side. Your situation sounds incredibly tough too

I've nothing to add medically but I wanted to say you're doing a great job. I know it must feel like you're pushing a boulder up a hill but you've been a great advocate for him when he can't be for himself. Sending you both lots of love.

Same here, thinking of you, you’re an incredible daughter.

How is your Dad doing? And how are you op? I have been reading your thread and you are being a wonderful advocate for your father.

He's not doing too badly, thanks for asking! He still thinks he's got a spot on his back and has no idea how bad it looks. We're managing with OTC pain killers, but when we see the dermatologist tomorrow I'm going to ask for something stronger, it seems to hurt more in the evening and when I change the dressing so the air gets to it. It's deeply ulcerated now and weeping some horrible stuff. We've had a few more incidents of him saying it's time he went home, but I tell him he needs to be here because he can't change his own dressings, and he seems to accept that.

I'm pretty glum, I'm very anxious about tomorrow. Half of me is afraid they'll admit him, do scans and find out he's riddled with cancer, and the other half of me is afraid they'll tell me nothing, take a biopsy and send us home for another month of uncertainty. But only one more day to get through, and at least I can ask questions.

Sending love and support @sprigatito I’ve been silently following your thread from the start. I hope you get some answers tomorrow and hoping it’s not bad news xx

they'll tell me nothing, take a biopsy and send us home
I think it's very unlikely they'll admit him @sprigatito .
But I do think you need to be prepared for a delay in the diagnosis, and they may need to make an appt. for the biopsy and further scans.
But I also think they may well indicate what they think it is.

I think it's likely that they'll take a biopsy, order a CXR, take blood and give you a probable diagnosis.

I'd be very surprised if they admitted him.

I'm glad he's still prepared to stay at your house. It would be difficult if he decided to go home.

Oh, OP. Just sending my best to you.

Be advised, sometimes biopsies DO take weeks, especially with skin cancer. I’m so sorry, that’s really hard going. Sending good wishes your way for tomorrow x

Just wanted to say I'm keeping an eye on this thread and wish you all the best for tomorrow's appt. I really hope you get some proper help and aren't left too much to your own devices but as others have said, you're doing everything you can and I hope you're able to look after yourself a bit too. Xxx

Thanks for the support it's really appreciated. I think I do need to be prepared for not getting any definite answers tomorrow, I've been counting down the hours to this appointment so am probably expecting too much. I do need to know whether we'll be able to go to his partner's funeral in just over a week, it will involve a long journey and two nights away, so if he's likely to be having a big excision or any other treatment it might be a problem. I'll just have to explain it all to the dermatologist and see what they say.

Am going to take Dad for a little potter around the shops this afternoon and get him some new drawing pencils. It will keep my mind off things.

I'm going to ask for a chest x ray. I want the worst option either confirmed or ruled out as soon as possible.

OP I'm another silent supporter. I've been reading your thread from the start and think you're a lovely daughter to your darling Dad. I do hope you get some answers tomorrow and a plan of some sort that might make you feel more supported at least. How is your DH doing? Really I just wanted you to know that I'm sure there are lots of us out here who will be thinking of you and wishing you good luck. Sending unmumsnetty hugs and best wishes and hoping that you have some real life support.

Thank you so much it's so lovely of you. DH is doing better, he's still got stomach cramps but not as bad as before. I do think it's stress related. He had another job interview yesterday and has actually been offered a job, it would mean a pay cut but we could manage it. So there's a safety net now, if his current lot don't manage to salvage anything out of the liquidation.

One of the things I'm struggling with (I'm embarrassed to say) is that my little introverted ND bubble has gone. I'm getting phone calls from relatives and friends all over the place who need updating about Dad and the funeral, plus all the medical stuff that needs sorting out. I don't normally engage with so many people every day 😱 I find it all quite nerve-shredding and exhausting. MN is my haven.

Gosh don't be embarrassed OP - I'm not in the least bit surprised that you're struggling! It's relentlessly exhausting [and lonely to boot] having to keep all the plates spinning all by yourself let alone looking after Dad, worrying about the logistics of upcoming funeral, fielding all the calls and supporting DH into the bargain. Fingers crossed for DH and hopefully you'll feel a bit better once you've got tomorrow over with. Keep posting you'll get lots of support from mumsnetters that's for sure.

Massive hugs to you and your dad. Regarding updating other family members - if it helps you I would ask whoever you phone/phones you first to update the others, rather than you having to do it. The last thing you need right now is to have to expend energy doing stuff that other people with less on their plate could do! An email or WhatsApp group could work, if people use them. Failing that, turn your phone off for a bit each evening

@sprigatito I’ve been keeping in touch with your thread and hoping today (because it’s Wednesday here) provides answers.

Regarding all the phone calls, ask for peoples email addresses and set up a mailing list. Then it’s one and done. Also, you email in your time rather than accepting phone calls when someone else wants to ring. To get started, I got into mums emails and copied her address list.

This is what I did and I added a note “please forward to Mums friends you know are interested but whose details I don’t have”. This worked very well as word spread but I didn’t have to do much of the work. I would get messages from friends asking to be added to the direct mailout. By the time she died, I think I was mailing 100 people worldwide most days.

This also had a large benefit in that when she died, I rang the people who needed to know and then emailed the rest. So much less stressful. I recommend the tactic.

I really admire you OP, you are so strong and doing incredibly well.
I will be thinking of you tomorrow (as I'm sure many of us here will be).