My ASD DS is causing so much trouble with my neighbours

[EndOfMyTeth3r]

I've posted before about problems with my downstairs neighbours. They're shitty people in general (drugs, domestic abuse both ways, loud music) but they aren't being unreasonable to take issue with DS banging when he's having a meltdown. I'm actually with them on that one.

He does it because he knows it creates a panic response from me, because I'm scared of them. He looks me dead in the eyes and stamps as hard as he can. He's only 6. Diagnosed with ASD, PDA profile, having an ADHD assessment in two weeks time.

After a couple of months with few issues DS has set him off once again by stamping on the floor, now the neighbour has too reverted to hammering on the ceiling and screaming at me again.

I'm at my wits end with it. I'll be scared coming and going from the flat for weeks now.

Even school struggle with DS and they are a school for autistic children. They're really good, but he's extremely challenging.

I don't want to do this any more.

Moving isn't a possibility.

I've had enough 😢

I’d ignore them. They don’t show you any consideration and your son’s behaviour is not deliberate or thoughtless. I wouldn’t worry about your neighbours but I would be seeking more help for your son. He’s probably as distressed as you are and you need help for both of your sakes. Good Luck

You don't say if you own or rent. Could you speak to the council /HA /ll about a move /swap? If your ds has a diagnosis maybe this would help.

I presume he doesn't wear anything on his feet at home? I understand that you are saying it's triggering for you but you need to push through and keep a totally dead pan face when he does this, completely no reaction, walk away and busy yourself with something else to distract yourself. Maybe if you wore ear plugs at home it wouldn't trigger such a big reaction in yourself? You obviously can't control the neighbours reaction but just do your best at no reaction from you. When you feel calm enough you could try and distract him with PDA friendly strategies.

So basically he's using your fear to manipulate you. In that case, he's bright enough to understand discipline.

Discipline is what's needed.

Personally I'd tell him 'next time you do that I'm going to take you downstairs and make you apologise to the neighbours you've made angry'. Amd follow through.

Autism is not an excuse to tolerate nonsense. Not to this extent at least.

is it a meltdown or is it deliberate they are very different and need different approaches.

if you are sure it’s deliberate then you need to not react at all so he isn’t getting the response he wants. If it’s a meltdown ideally you need to figure why he is melting down to stop it happening if not support him to calm as quickly as possible

Thank you for the replies. I felt like I had to get it out somewhere as I feel like crying but if I cry that'll set DS off, so I took myself off to the bedroom for a few minutes to write this and give my head a wobble.

They don't care much, or at all really, about his disabilities and why he does it. They just don't want him to do it, period. I do get it (I have a herd of elephants living above me so I feel their pain!) but they're not the kind of people to just put up with it iykwim? He's quite intimidating.

Nobody wears shoes indoors. One of the earlier complaints from him was my toddler being heavy on his feet when he walks / runs so I bought all 3 of my DC thick slippers with soft soles. DS (6) makes a point of removing his slippers especially to bang.

It's a private rent, not council. I'm not eligible for council accommodation. My landlord is wonderful but can't really help in any way, but she knows all about it.

Obviously coming from someone that has no idea about PDA

That's not going to help, she'll have to drag/carry him downstairs kicking and screaming, knock on the door while keeping hold of him so he doesn't run away, he'll 100% refuse to say anything apart from scream and the whole debacle will have been completely stressful and pointless.

Is he doing this in meltdown or on purpose OP (or does it vary?). I agree with others that he can't help the meltdown but if he's doing it for the reaction then the answer is to stop the reaction.

This all sounds incredibly hard, do you have any support around you?

I say meltdown but actually sometimes he's perfectly in control and just angry, which is a regular occurance with him sadly. He's a very highly strung little boy.

He clashes with my youngest (2) a fair bit and that's what prompted the banging today. Littlest DS was annoying him by wanting to sit in a particular seat so I moved him out of the way but DS (6) started stomping anyway.

The point is that she shows him there are consequences for his actions. Irregardless if he kicks and screams and doesn't actually apologise, she shows him that if he deliberately tries to cause her trouble, there is a warning and then, a follow through. It doesn't have to go well.
It's about not letting your 6 year old think they can behave like a terror without repocutions.

He's testing boundaries and trying to make himself king of the home. At six, that's a nightmare...but by 10...its frankly dangerous. Op has to reestablish herself as boss of the home before then. Its not going to be a fun journey. It's going to be a bloody war. But the alternative is him getting bigger and stronger still thinking he can behave this way. And thats frankly dangerous for her and her other kids.

I have support from their dad, thank god, but as he has a demanding and inflexible job it's me who deals with the brunt of it.

I do need to try harder to be dead pan when he does it as it's my reaction he's looking for half of the time, it just stresses me out so much. I'm on edge every time I have to pass the guy as I wouldn't put it past him to hit me.

I think your only way forward is to completely ignore the behaviour. Absolutely ignore.
I know it's easy for me to say but just go and put the kettle on.

Your son is looking for your reaction, that's what's fuelling him. But be aware that to start with, you ignoring him will provoke him into getting a reaction at any cost.

I've made DS apologise to the neighbour before when he came up banging on my door. He will gladly apologise when told to but then he just does it again. I've used the neighbour as a threat when trying to get him to behave "DS, the neighbour is going to be very angry with the noise and he will come upstairs if it carries on" but he just doesn't care unfortunately.

King of the house sounds about right. He holds us all hostage. The tv needs to be on the channel he likes, nobody is allowed to sing or hum or laugh. I'm not allowed to have conversations he doesn't like (politics is banned from the house, he goes batshit if anybody wants to talk about politics). The list is endless. If things aren't the way he wants them he screams and shouts, bangs, throws things.

I follow a PDA parenting approach as all other avenues have failed miserably and he just can't cope with not having a degree of control, but even so, it hasn't actually made any difference to his behaviour.

His teacher has been looking after ASD children for 20 years, is absolutely fantastic, and she says she doesn't know how I manage some days 😬

I'll try to, thank you, and I'll try to avoid the neighbour for the foreseeable.

Ultimately it counts as 'normal family noise' so knowing it won't get you evicted and there's nothing the dodgy neighbours can actually do to you apart from shout, you need to do your best to take a deep breath and ignore. So hard I'm sorry.

Let him scream and throw things all you like but stop giving in to his demands. Talk about politics every single day if you have to. Ignoring is all well and fine within reason but he does NOT get to determine what you talk about etc.

OP I think they are being unreasonable to complain about the noise, as you said they are noisy themselves as they play loud music.
If he is doing it partly to get a rise out of you, try to relax a bit and not worry about them, if that's possible. You're not being unreasonable, you have a young child doing what is fairly typical of young children from time to time.

Your son is SIX and autistic. Your neighbour is a grown ass man and behaves like a six year old. It’s not your son who is the problem. Square your shoulders and remind him who’s the adult.

We also have a son with special needs who needs to be on control. He is a teenager now.
I really feel for you, it is extremely hard and normal “consequences “ have zero effect.
im not sure what support you have locally but I woukd make contact with social services about getting expert support on behaviour.
it will be much harder as he grows older and stronger without strategies in place.
his teacher is not a behaviour expert

The neighbour is even less amenable than DS unfortunately. He fancies himself as something of a hard man, boasting about being from "the streets" whatever that is supposed to mean.

Before relations broke down to the extent they have now he used to chat to me in the communal area and he would sound like somebody from a drill video, talking about how he had to chase somebody with a knife, yet best friend got stabbed and killed etc etc.

A complete low life tbh.

Get yourself some headphones.. Maybe less audience may help ds...

It really is so hard isn't it, I'm sorry you're in a similar position. I do worry about what things will be like when DS reaches his teens.

I referred myself to social services when DS was 4 as I wanted to try for a disability social worker but I was just fobbed off. I insisted I wanted some support and they said I could access Early Help, which I did, but that was pretty much useless.

Have you heard of Yvonne Newbold? She has some brilliant content online for parents of disabled children with challenging behaviour. I've watched her plenty. There has been times where I've felt we've made a breakthrough but then things always go back to how they were, despite me being consistent.

It all sounds very difficult for you 💐

How can you possibly let one child dictate that no one else can hum or sing or watch tv under threat of violence or screaming?

You have two other children who only have one home, are you saying you’ve got a two year who has no singing or humming in his life to appease an angry sibling? While it’s not your main struggle right now that’s outrageous and entirely unsustainable. He has autism and you’re taking a certain approach in managing, fine, it but he’s also 6 and he’s being allowed to rule the roost and terrorise his siblings at lease of which is even younger. Your approach is going to absolutely ruin their childhoods and any chance they have of forming healthy relationships. It just sounds awful. Sod the neighbours, think of your other children and their needs. They matter too.

I agree with you. It's not fair on them at all.

I'm really struggling to strike a balance that works for everybody. It feels like no matter what I do somebody is going to be miserable.

We do laugh, sing and hum but he screams at me when I do, so I keep mine to a minimum around him. He doesn't mind so much if it's coming from the children, it's me doing it that sets him off.

I try to compensate for the dynamic at home by ensuring DD has lots of hobbies and activities so her world doesn't seem so small, but she still has to put up with a lot 😔

Oh my god unless you have parented a child with a PDA profile, I'm sorry but you just have NO idea. It will have the opposite effect.

My sympathies op I really feel grey rock and no emotion and no response. Awful situation bit once he isn't getting the same effect he may move on to a different behaviour.