I can't even describe what I'm asking

[Anassiam]

Please can anyone identify with my f@cked up way of living and did you find a way to change.
For as long as I remember it's like there's 2 parts to my brain. The part that knows "the right thing to do or say". When I look back I see that it was the right way. Then there's the other part. It basically says "don't bother, no need, ugh no way don't do that" and absolutely does not result in a good outcome and always wins. So i end up screwing myself over eg late with everything, stuff just not done etc. Every day is a constant argument between the two sides.
I wondered if it was a bi polar trait but doctor said no and at the age of 50 I have been diagnosed with ADHD and Autism. So is it that the ADHD / Autism traits fighting each other. Or is it just the way I am. Its just causing me such angst in my head every minute of every day. Is there anyone else feels like this. Is there any way to at least quite it. It's exhausting.
Thanks for getting this far.

This sounds exhausting for you OP and it is saddening that you are such a harsh self critic.

My ds has ASD and ADHD and he tells me that he battles a lot with similar dichotomous thoughts. He often feels like he wants two things equally strongly but they are the opposites of eachother. It does cause him distress.

Telling yourself you have a 'fucked up way of living' is such an all-encompassing and extreme negative belief about yourself. It would be beneficial to reframe it.

You said "The part that knows "the right thing to do or say". When I look back I see that it was the right way".

Are you able to 'see the right way' in the present as the moment unfolds or is it usually with the benefit of hindsight?

Sounds like typical ADHD symptoms. When I say typical I don't mean to minimise, living with them symptoms is very challenging!
Have the doctors gave any support after this diagnosis? I know people have different views on medication but ADHD medication may be something to consider, some people find it life changing.
Autistic people usually thrive with a regular routine but it sounds like your ADHD symptoms would get in the way of this.

Aww thank you both for replying. Didn't think it would chime with anyone.
@LauderSyme dichotomous thinking is a fantastic way of describing it. Yes I probably have a -ve view of myself, I've been for all kinds of support and therapy but never found a way out.
@JLou08 I trialled some adhd meds but found that my autism type traits really took over. It's a bitch of a combination.

Can you give a recent example of when this happened?

take a look at internal family systems? It’s a therapy modality which works with all these different parts of ourselves

@Rainbows89 it's almost like self sabotage, it's like I always choose what will do me most harm or will be effort to fix instead of just doing what I need to do. For example I started a new role and there's a task that's really important and I've been putting it off and off eve tho I need to do it. Most people reading this will say ...just do the task but ecverytime I try I always end up doing something else. Even writing it makes it sound stupid.

Shameless bump in case any new people read and go "wow that's me and I fixed it by......"

This is me. Today my brain is telling me Indeed to go and pack clothes for moving but the bit of my brain that mes me do things is tied to making me lounge on the sofa playing with my phone.

DD thinks I may have ADHD.

Hugs op, totally me too and it’s so tiring. Dh said school had rang about something and then said if I wanted I could ring back and confirm but it was fine. I said ‘yes will leave that’ but a little voice said ‘no, ring and confirm it’ so I’m after ringing and confusing everything. Sigh. Hugs

Isn’t it chronic procrastination? I’m exactly the same. It’s really annoying but it goes on!!

Oh sigh for sure. I wish there was an answer but I don't think there is.

I have this to an extent and CBT helped a bit. I self referred to Time to Talk.

It's still a bit of a struggle and I'm not sure I'll ever be able to change completely.

For me I have to really focus my thinking and constantly remind myself how stressful the consequences can be.

I'm currently ruminating my passport renewal even though I know I need it in October - it's like some weird danger play - how late can I leave it. SO weird.

Sat here holding a pen not writing an essay that's due Thursday because I just can't. I know what needs doing, I know why, I know what will happen if I don't but here I am doom scrolling. I have found I am more productive with music on, I am more likely to get things done if I have shoes on, (I have no idea why but it does work) I like a deadline so I get people to give me deadlines so that I get things done earlier and I will not do the thing if someone reminds me I need to do the thing.

Yes! And sometimes I Have left things too late. Even the consequences don’t stop me procrastinating. :(

I am indeed thinking 'this is me!' OP but am sadly lacking the 'and I fixed it by...' part I'm fairly sure I'm autistic but haven't really thought about ADHD, can see how the two things combined might explain a few things though. Following in case anyone actually does have a miracle fix for the procrastination/self sabotaging, you're right it is exhausting.

I sometimes can circumvent by crowding my brain with the steps up to the important thing

I work out first 3-5 steps, and while in physical act of doing them I’m working out the next 3-5

Not sure why it works, sometimes I think it’s just that my mind and body are so busy the thing is done (or at least half done)
before I realise 🤣

like taking a run up so the momentum carries you through the jump, no turning back, as opposed to feeling paralysed by fear standing looking at the gap (even when you could just step over it)

Not 100% effective but works enough times to be a useful addition to my toolkit

I used work around it by creating deadlines with people at work and outside work. Since peri kicked in that doesn't even work. My sense of responsibility and prioritisation is just gone 🙀 and has been replaced by no fuc*s

I have this!

I have 2 really opinionated voices and then there’s me.

I have spent a long time figuring out how to work with my voices, instead of against them.
It doesn’t always work but I feel it’s better than it was 10 years ago.

I spend a lot of time listening whilst my 2 voices argue and then I’ll make a decision based on both of their arguments.

This can be difficult because they argue a lot and it can be embarrassing because it means I take a long time to reply to someone asking me a question (sign of autism?) but it’s my biggest gift.

I am often very sensible and make sensible, well thought out choices because I have such strong voices.

I’ve learnt to try and use my voices to help me but of course it doesn’t always work.

I will try and always plan to get ready for 20mins before I have to leave, knowing that I’m always late.

I learnt a phrase on here which I can’t remember what it is (time rich/blindness?) where you think you’ve got more time than you actually have and that getting ready too early has the opposite effect.

And lists and alarms are my friends.
I write a list of what I need to do that week and instead of just having that list and none of it getting done, I will choose 1 or 2 things to do on each day.

They don’t always all get done, but more gets done than if I have no plan.

For things like showers, getting petrol, washing clothes etc I will set daily alarms at different times and snooze them until they’re done.

It is absolutely exhausting and I feel your pain.
I wish there was a magic cure but I don’t think there is.

Exercise is really helpful but it doesn’t cure it, but maybe I don’t exercise enough.

@Choochoo21 I'm going to try your approach of listening to them arguing and then I decide. At the moment I see myself as the wise one who knows what to do vs the chaotic evil one who wants to make sure I do the wring thing. I much prefer your approach. Thanks

To anyone else who identifies with this I salute you, it makes everything exhausting.

Good luck. I don’t have the two sides. I just seem to have one overall belligerent twat living in my brain. It makes me procrastinate.

Oh gosh oo
I am very similar but like other PP I am also lacking that answers
I feel really anxious today and I have so much to do but I too am doom scrolling

Amazing there are so many of us and no solution. I finally realised a few months ago that I've had underlying anxiety all my life so maybe that is part of it.

Have you considered that your autism includes demand avoidance?
I know so many ND women who have been floored by peri. It is horrible to see how the wolrd of these capable women has shrunk.
I am just about coping by taking hrt including testosterone which we need as part of how the body acceses dopamine.

That sounds like ADHD. I know a lot of people are very anti mediation for ADHD, but the teens I know with it much prefer how their brain feels on medication to how they struggle without it. It quiets the racing thoughts and allows them to focus and actually get things done. The right medication can make a real difference.

Oh no! I've found my tribe but they are also lost in the forest!

@TheLurpackYears what do you mean by demand avoidance?