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Original poster

Feeling quite put out but seem to be stuck!

48 replies

FastFaster · 17/05/2024 14:52

I started attending a hobby group around 18 months ago and I became aware that one of the people who also attends lives near me. I approached her and tried to make conversation, fairly banal stuff 'Chilly tonight' 'How did you find things?' etc, she rolled her eyes, looked through me, declined to acknowledge me, gave minimal answers etc. Fair enough.

Last summer someone else from the group let me know that I live near this person - she currently picks her up and drops her off - I said 'oh right' because honestly why would I offer her a lift?! She herself later approached me, all friendly and was even quite OTT in being friendly but again, why would I offer? I enjoy my alone time on the 30 minute drive home before I have to return to the madness that is my household.

Over the past year or so I know various members of the group have been going out of their way in order to pick this person up and drop them off, even when there is a bus almost directly outside this persons house that would take her to one of our meeting points (we meet somewhere different most weeks)! This seems to go back to when the group was first formed and there was a 'we're all in it together' mentality but some years later, they're still doing it and now they want to involve me. There does seem to be some like confused looks / feeling around the issue with the other group members.

This past few days, this person has asked me directly if I'm attending an event and can I give her a lift. I'm honestly pissed and flummoxed at the cheek that she has to ask despite having not offered so many times!

I should add it took me a loooong time (and a huge amount of expense) to learn to drive and I found these sort of situations very frustrating (and expensive in bus fares - which were often late/cold etc), but I get that no-one is obliged to offer me a lift - especially not on a regular basis, even if they live on the same street and we work in the same building!

I have serious issues in standing up for myself too, I'm really pissed to be put in this situation. I feel like it will damage any relationships with others if I don't pick her up / drop her off each week and I lose my very small amount of alone time I get.

OP posts:
GrandHighPoohbah · 17/05/2024 14:58

You don't have to get involved with it if you don't like the woman in question. I think you're right to suspect that you will become the default lift provider if you live nearest to her. For this particular event I would say "Sorry I'll be coming directly from something else".

LivelyHare · 17/05/2024 15:00

Well, explain it to her just like you have explained it to us - that is is your only alone/thinking/planning time and you aren’t prepared to give it up.

You don’t owe her anything!

Shonla · 17/05/2024 15:05

Just say “sorry I travel there from somewhere else not from home” or “I have to drop off and pick up the kids so the car is full”.

I know you shouldn’t have to lie, but if you’re truthful about not wanting to give her a lift then people will probably get annoyed, dislike you and call you selfish. So it’s better to tell a white lie.

TemuSpecialBuy · 17/05/2024 15:10

Agree white lie is best for you.

Just say “I can’t help. im not coming from home and am going somewhere else after. It’s so hectic at this time isn’t it? I’m pretty sure there is a bus that goes… if not hopefully you can arrange a lift with someone else or a taxi”

if you do it once you’ll be on the hook forever

separately my mind is blown by how well people like this manipulate others. Like HOW it is your collective responsibility to ferry an able bodied adult about?

DoreenonTill8 · 17/05/2024 15:14

TemuSpecialBuy · 17/05/2024 15:10

Agree white lie is best for you.

Just say “I can’t help. im not coming from home and am going somewhere else after. It’s so hectic at this time isn’t it? I’m pretty sure there is a bus that goes… if not hopefully you can arrange a lift with someone else or a taxi”

if you do it once you’ll be on the hook forever

separately my mind is blown by how well people like this manipulate others. Like HOW it is your collective responsibility to ferry an able bodied adult about?

Edited

Absolutely this! Find it bizarre how people like this woman have so many people running around after them!

TemuSpecialBuy · 17/05/2024 15:18

@DoreenonTill8

my mil is like this. it’s incredible.
one small example from memory….
A neighbour got up At 4am to drive London to Liverpool and back to collect her from the airport she didn’t even pay for petrol as he “refused” it 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫

if only you could bottle and sell it…

Original poster
FastFaster · 17/05/2024 15:18

TemuSpecialBuy · 17/05/2024 15:10

Agree white lie is best for you.

Just say “I can’t help. im not coming from home and am going somewhere else after. It’s so hectic at this time isn’t it? I’m pretty sure there is a bus that goes… if not hopefully you can arrange a lift with someone else or a taxi”

if you do it once you’ll be on the hook forever

separately my mind is blown by how well people like this manipulate others. Like HOW it is your collective responsibility to ferry an able bodied adult about?

Edited

It's x2 a week - two week nights a week + some weekends.
I've managed to maintain the 'I'm coming from work / am heading elsewhere' for the past year, but now she's asked me directly. I'm really trying not to offend anyone else in group, because I kind of would like to be friends with them.

OP posts:
TemuSpecialBuy · 17/05/2024 15:20

Say it again. In writing.

separately…
if you haven’t made good enough friends in a year that a polite demure would break the camels back, then they aren’t going to be your friends anyway. Just strangers you hang out with.

Original poster
FastFaster · 17/05/2024 15:25

TemuSpecialBuy · 17/05/2024 15:20

Say it again. In writing.

separately…
if you haven’t made good enough friends in a year that a polite demure would break the camels back, then they aren’t going to be your friends anyway. Just strangers you hang out with.

I feel bad honestly, I am sometimes dependant upon other members of the group in some ways.

OP posts:
DoreenonTill8 · 17/05/2024 15:35

Dependent for lifts? What way?

therejustbarely · 17/05/2024 15:39

Why would your answer be different if she's asking you directly? Just keep to the same story you've been telling up til now - completely reasonable and believable.

Moltenpink · 17/05/2024 15:42

Say you’re a nervous driver and can’t have passengers

Original poster
FastFaster · 17/05/2024 15:44

DoreenonTill8 · 17/05/2024 15:35

Dependent for lifts? What way?

I'm slow in the group ... I often hold people up in our shared sport.

OP posts:
Original poster
FastFaster · 17/05/2024 15:45

therejustbarely · 17/05/2024 15:39

Why would your answer be different if she's asking you directly? Just keep to the same story you've been telling up til now - completely reasonable and believable.

She's never actually asked directly up until this past week.

OP posts:
Original poster
FastFaster · 17/05/2024 15:46

Moltenpink · 17/05/2024 15:42

Say you’re a nervous driver and can’t have passengers

I am, I have bad dyslexia and dypraxia - driving is an absolute stress inducing experience. I am fine on my own.

OP posts:
BettyBardMacDonald · 17/05/2024 15:47

Don't do it. She was rude and unfriendly until she wanted something from you. Don't damage your own self-esteem by allowing yourself to be used. And if others take umbrage because you aren't helping her, well, fuck them. They don't know all of the circumstances and it's not their place to offer your time, energy and effort. Let them extend their own.

"Sorry, we have a hectic household and I'm unable to commit to anything more."

You do not owe anyone your time and effort. Period.

BettyBardMacDonald · 17/05/2024 15:48

FastFaster · 17/05/2024 15:44

I'm slow in the group ... I often hold people up in our shared sport.

Show quote history

That has nothing to do with how you allocate your time and resources outside of those sessions. Zero.

Don't look upon them as doing you any favours just because you are learning.

ladybirdsanchez · 17/05/2024 15:51

FastFaster · 17/05/2024 15:46

I am, I have bad dyslexia and dypraxia - driving is an absolute stress inducing experience. I am fine on my own.

Show quote history

This is a perfect excuse!

Original poster
FastFaster · 17/05/2024 15:51

BettyBardMacDonald · 17/05/2024 15:47

Don't do it. She was rude and unfriendly until she wanted something from you. Don't damage your own self-esteem by allowing yourself to be used. And if others take umbrage because you aren't helping her, well, fuck them. They don't know all of the circumstances and it's not their place to offer your time, energy and effort. Let them extend their own.

"Sorry, we have a hectic household and I'm unable to commit to anything more."

You do not owe anyone your time and effort. Period.

Thank you. Yes, I am trying to learn this because it is one of the biggest things holding me back at the moment. I seem to be surrounded by people who are not in my favour, like they don't have my best interests at heart, but somehow I find myself doing things to suit them.

OP posts:
ButterCrackers · 17/05/2024 15:57

Just use the word no first. No I can’t give you a lift. No it’s not possible. If they ask why say that you have time alone in your car and this is important to you. Tell them that they can ask others or can take the bus.

hjrl · 17/05/2024 15:58

@FastFaster I actually can feel your worry re this and my brain must work exactly the same as you.

I would feel, x was unkind to me, y and a go out way to give lift. X now wants me to do it, I cannot. BUT that means y and a will think I'm awful, tell everyone, nobody will speak to me ever again and my group will be ruined.

Where actually, it's been lovely reading the other comments which are much more helpful and accurate.

MargaretThursday · 17/05/2024 16:00

Is it that everyone is taking turns to pick her up, or you think they're trying to dump it all on you?

I've been in a group where we all took turns to pick up/drop off because we knew that they couldn't come otherwise and we wanted them there.

If it's the case everyone does it in turn, so say about every 3-4 months, then you could look very stand-off-ish if you refuse, especially if you are the nearest. And I don't think that frequency is unreasonable to ask.
If they want it every time, then, yes that is cheeky, and refuse. Tell them you come from the opposite direction or something.

Original poster
FastFaster · 17/05/2024 16:10

hjrl · 17/05/2024 15:58

@FastFaster I actually can feel your worry re this and my brain must work exactly the same as you.

I would feel, x was unkind to me, y and a go out way to give lift. X now wants me to do it, I cannot. BUT that means y and a will think I'm awful, tell everyone, nobody will speak to me ever again and my group will be ruined.

Where actually, it's been lovely reading the other comments which are much more helpful and accurate.

CBT again?

I'm seriously pissed off about this, frustrated that she's managed to manipulate herself lifts to / from places. I never could when I had similar situations.

I've stupidly agreed to give her a lift tomorrow and I somehow ended up bringing her home one night last week. I felt really terrible attending earlier this week and in passing asked how she had got there - indicated I might be willing to give her a lift home.

I am now stuck with what to do with the whole situation, because I seem to have made it worse than ever.

OP posts:
Original poster
FastFaster · 17/05/2024 16:14

MargaretThursday · 17/05/2024 16:00

Is it that everyone is taking turns to pick her up, or you think they're trying to dump it all on you?

I've been in a group where we all took turns to pick up/drop off because we knew that they couldn't come otherwise and we wanted them there.

If it's the case everyone does it in turn, so say about every 3-4 months, then you could look very stand-off-ish if you refuse, especially if you are the nearest. And I don't think that frequency is unreasonable to ask.
If they want it every time, then, yes that is cheeky, and refuse. Tell them you come from the opposite direction or something.

I live around the corner from this person.

They have all been taking it in turns depending on who is coming. I would be fine with a one-off but its two nights a week + various events at the weekends. It depends on who attends what though.

OP posts:
Lilacdew · 17/05/2024 16:15

FastFaster · 17/05/2024 15:46

I am, I have bad dyslexia and dypraxia - driving is an absolute stress inducing experience. I am fine on my own.

Show quote history

Then this is a genuine reason. Don't offer, but if anyone asks outright, say that you have dyspraxia which is an invisible disability that affects your driving. You find driving very stressful and have to concentrate in silence 100%. Having responsibility for someone else is not possible.

I have dyspraxia and ADHD and know exactly what you mean.