Feeling quite put out but seem to be stuck!

[FastFaster]

I started attending a hobby group around 18 months ago and I became aware that one of the people who also attends lives near me. I approached her and tried to make conversation, fairly banal stuff 'Chilly tonight' 'How did you find things?' etc, she rolled her eyes, looked through me, declined to acknowledge me, gave minimal answers etc. Fair enough.

Last summer someone else from the group let me know that I live near this person - she currently picks her up and drops her off - I said 'oh right' because honestly why would I offer her a lift?! She herself later approached me, all friendly and was even quite OTT in being friendly but again, why would I offer? I enjoy my alone time on the 30 minute drive home before I have to return to the madness that is my household.

Over the past year or so I know various members of the group have been going out of their way in order to pick this person up and drop them off, even when there is a bus almost directly outside this persons house that would take her to one of our meeting points (we meet somewhere different most weeks)! This seems to go back to when the group was first formed and there was a 'we're all in it together' mentality but some years later, they're still doing it and now they want to involve me. There does seem to be some like confused looks / feeling around the issue with the other group members.

This past few days, this person has asked me directly if I'm attending an event and can I give her a lift. I'm honestly pissed and flummoxed at the cheek that she has to ask despite having not offered so many times!

I should add it took me a loooong time (and a huge amount of expense) to learn to drive and I found these sort of situations very frustrating (and expensive in bus fares - which were often late/cold etc), but I get that no-one is obliged to offer me a lift - especially not on a regular basis, even if they live on the same street and we work in the same building!

I have serious issues in standing up for myself too, I'm really pissed to be put in this situation. I feel like it will damage any relationships with others if I don't pick her up / drop her off each week and I lose my very small amount of alone time I get.

Just refuse when asked. You don’t like her, driving a passenger stresses you out. It’s not your issue. How fast you are at your shared sport is irrelevant.

So you’ve not been a total bitch by refusing to give her lifts and have in fact now taken her home and are bringing her tomorrow.
I think it’s fine to say oh sorry I can’t next week as I’m coming from elsewhere or going to somewhere straight after. Giving occasional lifts is fine if that’s what you want to do

And this person sets me off, in particular. I feel judged and not 'enough' somehow. She is nothing to be impressed by either.

I really struggled last week in giving her a lift home, I stalled, made decisions that I'm not happy with and for the first time ever squealed the wheels. It was all just too much and I was very upset when I got home. It has jarred me all week too.

'Sorry no, I'm not in a position to give you a lift'

You don't have tell her why.

Change the subject straight after you've said it. If she pushes and asks why, just tell her you'd rather not get into it

Do you have her number? If so head her off at the pass now.

"Hi X, I can't give you a lift to/from Roller Derby again, I have other stuff to do on the way there and back. I think the number 48 goes straight there from your house though? See you next week."

She doesn't need to know what the other stuff is that you have to do there and back.

I think I'm stuck for tomorrow but going forward I'm going to have to do deal with it and say I'm not available any longer.

It's much easier to do it up front over text than rely on saying the right thing in person.

+1 on texting it’s totally clear.

they also can’t catch you off guard and “debate club” you out of it

Gosh what a frustrating position to be in. How do people have the brass neck to be like that! If she had always been friendly it wouldn't be so bad, but she's literally only starting speaking to you to get a lift.

It's so much harder to deal with these situations when you're the one whose in it, especially if you're confrontation averse. Just saying no is not so easy in practice. However, often the best way of dealing with these types is to call them out as they usually can't cope with being called out on their BS behaviour and will fold completely.

I have to say that if refusing her lifts will offend her and the rest of the group, are they the sort of people you want to be friends with anyway? I wonder if they all secretly hate giving her lifts too?

I flippin' hate adults who will not drive themselves and have the cheek to expect everyone else to ferry them around. If someone had a medical condition affecting their ability to drive, that's different. But if it's a personal choice, they can bloody well jog on as far as I'm concerned.

OP relax it's just a person in your car this weekend.

Tell her you get stressed having a passenger it's not you it's me type thing. And just relax you can drive, you can drive with a passenger, if need be just take it easy allow an extra 10/20% drive time and drive like the ultimate new mummy.

As for going forward, you don't have to give a lift all the time, but I can't see the problem once in a while. You say the group waits for you, I am assuming some type of outdoor exercise, so everyone needs allowances, perhaps you are all in this together, and it sounds like that is part of what you like about the group.

When she met you she might have been having a bad week, who knows, many a friendship has blossomed after a rocky start, you might have something in common or something to share.

It seems like you have already made decisions, it's your car, yours alone, she should get the bus, or someone else should go out of their way, but the group should also wait for you because you are the special one. Different sides of the same coin.

But of kindness in the world isn't a bad thing

Try and get in the car tomorrow with an open mind. It's just a lift.

I suspect that once it becomes apparent that I'm not going to offer lifts, she'll return to not speaking to me or acknowledging me.

I think that maybe it became to routine at some stage, as people lived nearby and some of the places we go aren't great for parking, so they started sharing lifts. Now various people do / don't attend and its still ongoing.

Last time I did give her a lift, it was massively stressful and I did say upfront that I have these issues and she did say she'd had similar issues in learning to drive.

I get that. If it been a one-off 'bad day' but it was weeks, I really wanted to make some friends.

I get what you mean. I do not like being manipulated though. If I'd offered then fair enough, I was ready to offer when I was keen to be friends over a year ago. Now I'm pissed at being placed in this situation.

This is great.

No. This is more "be kind" guilting of the OP.

The OP is under zero obligation to share her resources. Let the other person learn how to drive and acquire a car if she doesn't want to take the bus. And OP has said that she relishes the quiet and solitude of the drive. Why should she give that up?

What happens during the activity is entirely irrelevant to what the OP does on her personal time. Also, the woman has been a bitch to her until she wanted something. That counts.

Just say, sorry I don't feel comfortable with that.

If she is rude enough to ask why, tell her the truth. She's been rude to you in the past and it would ruin the 30 minutes peace you get to have on your journey.

And how does this help with the drive tomorrow?

OP has said she stalls and whatever with a passenger in the car. Pointing out that the liftee is clearly a bitch taking her precious car resource is going to what make the drive easier or harder?

It is in the end just a lift. Yes you don't have to do it again, but if you are already in a position that you are doing it then perhaps looking at things in a slightly less "everyone is out for themselves way" might help.

I volunteered to give a lift to a 90+ hobby member, I had to drive carefully down her narrow winding speed bump roads, she was delicate, but you know what in the end it was great, she gave me lots of gossip about the mansion owners down her road, let me ransack her fruit trees, gave me her wisdom of age and bringing up teenagers, yes it was a pain in the arse or so I thought but by the end it was lovely, it was initially just a lift and turned into something much better.

You just don't know what is going to happen..

I mean OP could just ask her on the journey, why you want a lift from me you barely acknowledge my existence? Not sure if OP can talk and drive but it might get the perfect opportunity to thrash out the atmosphere.

Who knows. You don't, I don't, OP doesn't.

And when it comes down to it, it is just a lift, say yes or no it really doesn't matter. But if you are roped into to doing it by not saying no don't sweat it.

This!
This woman rebuffed your friendly approach when you realised you lived near each other, (rolled her eyes, looked right through you, etc, which was exceptionally rude).
It would be totally reasonable to remind her of this, and tell her it's not acceptable for her to talk to you purely because she wants lifts, after her initial treatment of you. And that is why you're saying no.
Not easy I know, but no need for white lies, emphasising your dyspraxia, etc, which is nobody's business but yours.

So I gave her a lift to & from the event yesterday.
I don't think I've ever driven quite as well as I did yesterday since I passed my test. However, I was very tired as life is generally getting me down at the moment.

I did give her the benefit of the doubt as I thought perhaps she's shy, but no definitely not. A bit of an overthinker but very also quite blatantly someone who waits for others (often the ones who are too nice to say no) to do things for her.

She tried to tap me for a lift to the evening events too, which I suspect then she'd have wanted to bring her kids and partner too, but I wasn't planning to attend anyway.

I do feel seriously uncomfortable knowing that our group who does loads for the group is driving miles out of his way to pick her up & drop her off.

If I didn't feel so attached to that quiet time or it was literally anyone else in the group, I just get away from the fact that for the past year (we've both been aware that we live very close for at least that length of time), she continued to blank me. It's only because her normal lift has an injury and her back up plan is away on work duties that's she's suddenly started speaking to me.

I feel like I want to say something directly to the group leader, I hoped they'd just ask directly but they just sort of give me odd side glances. I don't know either whether to be honest or lie a little re my various difficulties.

I have suffered massively with depression & anxiety for a long time, and this type of thing has been a huge issue in my life.

Edit to tidy up.

OP, it’s no one else’s job to intervene between you and this woman and what she may or may not want. You seem very caught up in what other people might be thinking you should do, or feeling guilty because people who live further away are giving her lifts. That’s their choice, and irrelevant to you. You’ve helped her out a few times. You don’t want to make it a regular thing. Stop worrying about what other people might expect or think or hint. No one is going to give you permission to put this out of your head. You need to make that decision yourself.

This person getting to and from the group events is not your responsibility. It’s their responsibility. Just say that no you can’t drive her. You say that she has a partner so perhaps they could travel with her on the bus, organise a taxi etc.

Honestly she sounds like a bit of a user. Only talking to you when she wanted a lift.

She's a blatant user. Make that the last time you drive her; you don't need to justify yourself in any way. If the group leader wants to be her doormat, that's up to him. Not your responsibility to mitigate. Not up to him to allocate your free time, mental energy, or use of your vehicle. Whatsoever.

You are henceforth free of driving her. Relish that fact.

I do feel seriously uncomfortable knowing that our group who does loads for the group is driving miles out of his way to pick her up & drop her off

That's absolutely on him. What is it about this woman's that has everyone on eggshells and doing her bidding?!