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Original poster

Are men really this useless?

62 replies

justquestions · 17/05/2024 09:36

Lighthearted and I mean that honestly, don't come with the men bashing!

I've worked as a nanny for over 20 years. Some families have been amazing and I've stayed with them all through the children's primary years and still get updates now that they're in their late teens/early 20's etc.
I just started a new job with three children. 2,8 & 11. They're lovely, I'm enjoying the job.

The problem I'm having is with the dad. He's nice and polite. But so out of touch with everything. Anything I ask him is met with 'I don't know, I'm not sure, Let me check' etc.
The mum came home and corrected all his mistakes and we laughed about it.
On the way home though I really thought, why is the mum on top of everything. Managing the schedules and holidays. Homework and housework. I obviously am there to do my job but there's only so much I can do within my hours. So I really thought that the dad seems a bit of a lazy bugger and I'm only just realising that all the dads I've worked with for the past 20 years have actually, mostly been the same and I've never even noticed.
Gender roles are clearly still very prevalent. The mums were working full time too and still keeping on top of everything. What do they keep the men around for? 🤨, sex I guess 😂
Sorry. Long post!

OP posts:
Whisperingsummerishere · 17/05/2024 09:37

Well mine takes the bins out..
*not a euphemism...

BitOutOfPractice · 17/05/2024 09:39

It’s really only just dawned on you? 😆

yes, many (most?) men are this useless.

you’ll be inundated with people telling you how it’s totally 50/50 on the mental load in their house while the majority of women who are spinning all the plates every day weep silently into their coffee.

BitOutOfPractice · 17/05/2024 09:43

I’ll also add that my kids are older and have left home. I am working full time and my dp has basically taken over all the house running schizzle. It is WONDERFUL! So liberating. No wonder men don’t want to step up. It’s an amazing feeling having no thinking / planning to do apart from yourself / your work.

can I add that I do my fair share of laundry, housework etc. I just don’t have to think about meals, bill paying, other people’s appointments and commitments etc etc etc. It’s an eye opener!

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
PercyPeg · 17/05/2024 09:50

BitOutOfPractice · 17/05/2024 09:39

It’s really only just dawned on you? 😆

yes, many (most?) men are this useless.

you’ll be inundated with people telling you how it’s totally 50/50 on the mental load in their house while the majority of women who are spinning all the plates every day weep silently into their coffee.

A lot of women seem to be fine with it, or don’t even notice, as the OP admits.
OP doesn’t even want these men critiqued, which she refers to as “men bashing”.

The koolaid is obviously very very potent indeed.

Good luck to them! Crack on. Good for you.

OttersAreMySpiritAnimal · 17/05/2024 10:03

Because we enable this! It's starts with mother's who don't teach their sons to cook and clean and do a fair share of running the household, then wives who just pick up the slack because they are conditioned into that role from birth and it's pretty bloody hard to get a bloke to pull his weight if he's not had to do it before.
Men are used to having a support system around them to take care of the mundane, so they don't see it or think about it unless it intrudes on their lives. At work and at home.
My DH and I joke regularly about the magic fairies who clean the bathroom and wash/dry clothes. And I still have to remind him to do some of his chores whereas others come more naturally to him.
Up to the age of 21 when his mum passed away she did everything for him, so it was a bit of a shock for him when I came along and expected him to pull his weight in the home as well as have a job and a social life. He's adjusted but it took years for the whingeing to stop.
I don't exist to be someone's house elf.

That said some people really like being a house elf, and if that's what works in their relationship and both partners are happy then good for them.

MrsSkylerWhite · 17/05/2024 10:05

Not my experience. Every family is different I suppose.

NonPlayerCharacter · 17/05/2024 10:15

Lighthearted and I mean that honestly, don't come with the men bashing!

Why do you think pointing out this kind of rank inequality is "man bashing"?

And why do you think it's funny?

DreadPirateRobots · 17/05/2024 10:23

You know what's depressing me right now, I'm hiring for an after-school nanny and I'm actively interested in a male candidate because I have DSes who would love one, but not a single one of the male candidates I have spoken to can cook even at the very basic pasta-and-baked-potato standard I'm looking for, whereas all the female candidates are competent everyday cooks. Who the fuck lets their DC get to 18+ not knowing how to boil pasta? Who enables this shit?

Bunnyhair · 17/05/2024 10:24

I am so tired of this blaming men’s shitness on women’s failure to make them less shit. Which is just more responsibility and mental load for women.

The trouble is that nobody can make another person do something they refuse to do.

And by the time the male partner (who generally started out doing 50/50 when there were 2 incomes and no kids and not all that must life admin to speak of) has started quiet quitting on the domestic front, the female partner is often not in a financial position to be able to leave, and also knows she can’t rely on her partner to be reasonable during separation / divorce proceedings or to look after the children properly during his contact time or to be honest about his earnings for CMS purposes.

TheBurdenIsMine · 17/05/2024 10:25

I work FT and carry the entire mental load for the kids, house, bills, food, animals - you name it.

I nearly twatted DH when he said oh your struggling, its too much for you, when i started a new job that was mon-fri 9-5.

I have started putting more on him to do but ive noticed it doesnt last long.

In the periods where ive been so stressed out, close to a breakdown and ready to send him back to his mum, i have realised if he left, little would change and realistically all it would be is I would have to work out when the recycling went out to do it myself.

It makes me sad and angry that its this way and i hope my daughter doesnt face the same and im determined my son will not be another man child for the pile.

Toastiecroissant · 17/05/2024 10:28

This has taken you 20 years? And even now you think its funny and are worried about how we shouldn’t ‘bash’ these men.

even pp here are asking who enables this. God forbid the man himself takes some responsibility and for example realises boiling pasta may be useful for his job, and learns to do it. Or understands that knowing things about his kids may benefit them and his wife, so he bothers to make an effort to learn about the children he helped bring into the world. I dunno though… you’re probably all right, it was someone else’s job for not teaching him.

Do look up the mental load if you’ve somehow not come across it before. And no, not all men are like that but a large proportion are.

CroftonWillow · 17/05/2024 10:30

It comes down to who cares more about getting the tasks done. The person who cares more will pick up the slack and so the trend is set.

Jk987 · 17/05/2024 10:33

@OttersAreMySpiritAnimal 'It's starts with mother's who don't teach their sons to cook and clean and do a fair share of running the household, '

Don't you see the irony here? Shouldn't it also be the father's job to teach their sons (and daughters) these things?

Howbizarre22 · 17/05/2024 10:34

OttersAreMySpiritAnimal · 17/05/2024 10:03

Because we enable this! It's starts with mother's who don't teach their sons to cook and clean and do a fair share of running the household, then wives who just pick up the slack because they are conditioned into that role from birth and it's pretty bloody hard to get a bloke to pull his weight if he's not had to do it before.
Men are used to having a support system around them to take care of the mundane, so they don't see it or think about it unless it intrudes on their lives. At work and at home.
My DH and I joke regularly about the magic fairies who clean the bathroom and wash/dry clothes. And I still have to remind him to do some of his chores whereas others come more naturally to him.
Up to the age of 21 when his mum passed away she did everything for him, so it was a bit of a shock for him when I came along and expected him to pull his weight in the home as well as have a job and a social life. He's adjusted but it took years for the whingeing to stop.
I don't exist to be someone's house elf.

That said some people really like being a house elf, and if that's what works in their relationship and both partners are happy then good for them.

Edited

Yeh this why I stay single . It is grossly off putting. This is too why men hardly ever live on their own or stay single for long- they can’t/wont cope with the mundane, they are extremely entitled in their attitudes that they shouldn’t have to. They believe they should be free to do what they actually want to do
while some woman runs around doing their cooking/laundry/life admin. We joke in work where most of our patients are middle aged men that they literally all have a “wife-manager” who manages all their medicines and appointments and social lives and cooking and cleaning and …well…everything

SwordToFlamethrower · 17/05/2024 10:36

I'm more concerned about the woman bashing, that it must be a woman's fault that men are lazy and useless

Howbizarre22 · 17/05/2024 10:37

CroftonWillow · 17/05/2024 10:30

It comes down to who cares more about getting the tasks done. The person who cares more will pick up the slack and so the trend is set.

And the men full well know the woman cares more so they step back and let them take the reins instead of stepping up to do their share.

DaisyChain505 · 17/05/2024 10:38

I know it’s not the answer people will want to hear as the majority of posters are women (and so am I!) but I think women are partially to blame.

it starts with their mothers doing everything for them and not teaching them basic life skills like doing their washing, cooking etc and then continues when they meet a life partner and they don’t stand their ground and say the male partner should be pulling their weight in every areas including child care and the home.

Men are usually incompetent and lazy in the home because they’re allowed to get away with it.

my opinion.

Bunnyhair · 17/05/2024 10:46

I managed to learn to cook and do laundry and generally run a household without ever being taught. This is not wisdom that only a mother (or father!) can provide. There is a thing called the internet, for anyone who wants to learn how to do just about everything. Before that there were books.

Let’s not put this all on negligent mothers eh.

Jk987 · 17/05/2024 10:46

@DaisyChain505 but fathers have to be the role model and teach their children household jobs. Children must see fathers doing laundry so they know it's normal.

Original poster
justquestions · 17/05/2024 11:01

NonPlayerCharacter · 17/05/2024 10:15

Lighthearted and I mean that honestly, don't come with the men bashing!

Why do you think pointing out this kind of rank inequality is "man bashing"?

And why do you think it's funny?

Edited

I don't think it's funny at all. Hence why I created the post.

OP posts:
Original poster
justquestions · 17/05/2024 11:03

DreadPirateRobots · 17/05/2024 10:23

You know what's depressing me right now, I'm hiring for an after-school nanny and I'm actively interested in a male candidate because I have DSes who would love one, but not a single one of the male candidates I have spoken to can cook even at the very basic pasta-and-baked-potato standard I'm looking for, whereas all the female candidates are competent everyday cooks. Who the fuck lets their DC get to 18+ not knowing how to boil pasta? Who enables this shit?

That's ridiculous. I come from a family with males who can all do this. Are you sure it's just not because no one wants an after school job with poor hours?

OP posts:
Original poster
justquestions · 17/05/2024 11:06

Edit to add: I allow and welcome all the men bashing 🤣 I just didn't want to offend anyone.
But yes, really it is targeted at useless men!

OP posts:
NonPlayerCharacter · 17/05/2024 11:07

justquestions · 17/05/2024 11:01

I don't think it's funny at all. Hence why I created the post.

Show quote history

"Lighthearted and I mean that honestly"...?

Original poster
justquestions · 17/05/2024 11:08

Toastiecroissant · 17/05/2024 10:28

This has taken you 20 years? And even now you think its funny and are worried about how we shouldn’t ‘bash’ these men.

even pp here are asking who enables this. God forbid the man himself takes some responsibility and for example realises boiling pasta may be useful for his job, and learns to do it. Or understands that knowing things about his kids may benefit them and his wife, so he bothers to make an effort to learn about the children he helped bring into the world. I dunno though… you’re probably all right, it was someone else’s job for not teaching him.

Do look up the mental load if you’ve somehow not come across it before. And no, not all men are like that but a large proportion are.

I hear you. I don't find it funny at all. I only laughed because the mum did. I just don't want to rock the boat when it's my job and also not really my business.

OP posts:
NonPlayerCharacter · 17/05/2024 11:08

DreadPirateRobots · 17/05/2024 10:23

You know what's depressing me right now, I'm hiring for an after-school nanny and I'm actively interested in a male candidate because I have DSes who would love one, but not a single one of the male candidates I have spoken to can cook even at the very basic pasta-and-baked-potato standard I'm looking for, whereas all the female candidates are competent everyday cooks. Who the fuck lets their DC get to 18+ not knowing how to boil pasta? Who enables this shit?

What? How were they planning on feeding the kids after school?