What do you wish you'd spoken to DD about before secondary?

[PeterJohnson]

DD has just received the info for secondary, the class chat has already been set up...

What problems did you encounter in Yr7? Is there anything you wish you'd chatted about before it happened?

She's moving from a sheltered 20 children per year primary where everyone knows everyone too well to a 9 class per year secondary. I've started to let her go alone to after school activities.

Is the class chat for the kids or parents ?

The Internet, especially social media, is likely to be a massive influence.

Does she have a phone ? Is she used to online chat issues like not getting involved in arguments or leaving chats that make her uncomfortable ? Do you have rules around phone usage ?

Have you discussed peer pressure ? If she travels to and from school then she might see others doing things like vaping. Does she wear makeup ?

If something goes wrong, come and talk. It's often easier to sort out at the beginning rather than 6 months down the line.

Make sure she knows anything she writes on any form of social media even Snapchat can be screen shot and used against her and to be very careful.

Kids chat group. She has her own phone but not much experience of chat groups. We do have rules, at the moment it's off between 7pm-7am, I get to check chats if I ask, time limit on games and YouTube. Doesn't wear make up.

If she isn't already, to be organised - a diary might help and make sure she records everything in there - deadlines, PE kit required, extra lessons at lunchtime etc.

My DD went off with a lovely attitude first day, she said she was nervous but was out to enjoy the day - if I'd had another child, I'd have told them to enjoy themselves.

As girls grow older you can get friendship problems, but going to a much bigger school opens up your world in terms of potential friendships, clubs, experiences. My DD had her ready-made friendship group going into secondary, which another couple joined. However, by Year 9 she was well in with another group, so had two different groups to do things with.

Keep an open dialogue of what's happening for her day to day as much as possible at home. She may need to decompress by chatting to her parents. Our year 7 girl has found the friendship group issues really intense and emotional at times. We're trying to encourage her to keep talking to us. She has two younger siblings, and it's often when they've gone to bed that she wants to chill with us in her pjs for a bit before bed and have a chat. Often we're shattered and want to switch off, but have realised this time is really important for her.

Do your homework the night you get it. Especially on the weekend. 10pm on Sunday is not the time to start.

If you haven't already done this and she hasn't already started her periods, then talk to her about what this means and how she might practically deal with them at school. I'd suggest providing her with a pencil case with sanitary towels (or whatever she uses), spare pants and painkillers. Let her know that she is free to give these to any girl who starts her period and doesn't have anything of her own (although schools will typically provide sanitary towels to girls, they might not want to ask!).

If the school has those awful unisex toilets and she's worried about privacy, see if there are also girl only toilets or talk through strategies for managing.

I talked with my DDs re what to do if you see others rule breaking.
e.g
. running in the corridor (ignore)
. bullying (report)

Also: if you can't say something nice, say nothing. negative comments about others have a way of getting back to them.

It's a kind thought, but I am a bit worried about the suggestion to share painkillers. Sounds dangerous to me (allergies, overdosing etc.)

Sexual assault. She is a summer baby so started secondary after just turning 11. We'd done the birds and the bees, periods, acceptable behaviours etc but not covered serious sexual assault.

When a boy told her "he wouldn't be bothered to rape her" and she clearly had no idea what that was, she was mocked by her peers. She was really upset that we hadn't told her.

@shepherdsangeldelight- I really wouldn't be encouraging kids to hand out medication at school. That's likely to land them in a world of trouble

Similar situation a couple of years back. I hadn’t anticipated needing to report sexual harassment during the first half term. The boy’s parent decided it was nothing to do with them and to complain to school, which I did.

Most kids seem to have unfettered access to the entire internet 24/7 and most boys have seen a fair amount of porn by the time they start high school which leads to some charming behaviours and conversations.

Bullying starts almost immediately.

DD’s BF’s dad is a prison officer. He turned up early for the school run, in uniform and blocked the path of the offending boys. Told them a couple of home truths about what would happen to them when they found themselves in prison and they backed off.

I made sure DD knew I’d support her if she had to defend herself physically or by telling other kids to fuck off.

Year 7 was horrendous but year 8 has been much better.

The internet and phones and how every message, post and photo should be thought twice about before sending/posting as once it’s done it’s out there forever.

Talk to her about how there will be lots of different kinds of people from different walks of life with different opinions and that’s ok.

Let her know that she is an amazing human being and no one should ever make her feel any less and if they do it’s a reflection on them and not her. Bullies and mean people usually are extremely unhappy in themselves and take it out on others. Also that she should never stand for negative behaviour towards her and to tell someone straight away.

Let her know that she can talk to you about anything and you are there to listen and help, not judge.

Talk about the fact that’s she’s getting to the age that she may look at people in a different way and want to peruse closer relationships and as long as she’s going at her own pace and is being respected that’s ok.

My 13 year old doesn’t have access to Snapchat or tik tok. She can only watch YouTube at home.

They’re gateways to drugs and crime for young, vulnerable people and why any parent would allow them at such a young age is beyond me. (Snapchat is widely used to recruit and run county lines gangs.)

If I could go back I wouldn’t send her!

I'm not encouraging kids to hand out medication. I'm suggesting that if your friend has period pains you could give them a paracetamol rather than making them jump through the hoops that school will make them jump through to get one. I'm also assuming children will not have a pharmacist's shop worth of drugs but they will probably only have a couple of pills so no one is overdosing. Friends have given my DD painkillers on occasion - I have always been very happy that they have done so rather than her suffering.

Some of what secondary school is about is realising that they have a rules structure in place but sometimes following the spirit of the rules is more important than the letter of them.

I'd be interested to know if everyone on here can honestly say that if their child is prone to period pains that they have gone to the medical supervisor's room (or whatever the policy is at their school) rather than just having their own supply of pain killers or taking one from a friend (against the rules at most schools, I suspect).

I get that it's well intended, but it's still a bad idea.

Keep an eye on that WhatsApp group. There have been horrendous things shared on my kids groups over the years and it started in Yr6. She will likely see some extremely explicit and upsetting images. If I could ban chat groups I would - some of it is absolutely vile.

I'd warn her about sharing her contact details too - which might be difficult now she's joined a chat group.

Keep a very close eye on those chat groups OP, and let her know that if she is upset or alarmed at what she's seeing then to come to you or speak to a trusted teacher at school. Does her school have a phone policy? Our school has an "invisible phones" policy - kids can have phones but they must be switched OFF (not silent) and in bags/lockers during the day.

Some good points I hadn't thought about, thanks. I know homework is going to be an issue as her primary don't give any, so she's never had to keep a diary and make sure things are in on time. Friendships will probably also be something to keep an eye on especially as she's been put with the girl she asked not to be put with. She knows 4 others in the class from out of school. School phone policy is that it's the decision of each teacher how they deal with phones, the school will only step in if they are caught using them in class or to cheat or bully. I've covered periods etc but not serious sexual assault (how do you even cover that without freaking them out?) or how to actually deal with periods in school.
We have a "safe" emoji and at the moment she talks to me about school etc. so I hope that will continue.

Phone limits are a constant battle. At the moment she has no Snapchat or TikTok and I'm inclined to keep it that way.

Re periods, the answer is period pants. (My DD was using them in primary.)

She puts a pair on in the morning with a reusable pad, then removes the pad at lunchtime. No rustling packets to deal with and no need to change pants. They’re brilliant.

@PineappleBanana that works fine if regular.
Another option is to have an 'emergency bag' in school bag with spare pants and pads.

Mine are Yr8 and Yr6. DD1s advice for DD2...

• don't get involved in the big group chats. Just small groups with friends or for a specific class/club etc.
• keep all your books in one place.

-keep a spare pens, pencil, ruler and glue stick in your blazer in case you forget your pencil case

• work out the homework apps quickly
• if you can't manage homework, submit anyway noting questions you can't do so it doesn't count as late
• try different clubs to find ones you like

Walk the school route together and time it. If she has to take a bus/train, download apps so she can check timings.

I agree, chats can be a minefield and do ensure you agree with her that you can check the phone at any time. I was astonished how many chats were active at 11pm, DD handed her phone in around 8pm.

If you allow SM outside whatsapp then do know the passwords and have rules about it. DD wasn't allowed to post photos we didn't approve on Insta at the beginning and only accepted followers she knew in person.

Explain that the school rules have to be follwed, they may sound daft but they are there.

Period - I agree, a small kit is useful. Medication - schools may have rules.

I don't know how relevant this is now but when I started my mum sewed a £5 in to the lining of my blazer for emergencies.

Pin a copy of her timetable somewhere you can easily see it. Pinned physically or digitally.