Dilemma! : Relocate back closer to family or stay for the good jobs and opportunities?

[JessinEdinburgh]

We moved up to Edinburgh 13 years ago from the midlands for our graduate jobs & further study, built our careers, got married up here and recently started a family.
But we find ourselves 300+ miles away from all our other family, we have an 11 month old and another baby on the way now later in the year (yes 2 under 2! 🙈).
Plus our sis in law is also pregnant, so cousins are on the way as well which is exciting.
Our parents aren't getting any younger and we'd like our children to know their family well. This isn't even about needing childcare but yes the odd night off would be welcomed too!

Really swithering as to whether we move back south to be closer to family.

The main concern for us is that hubs has a longstanding brilliant job in Edinburgh. My own job isnt all rosy so im willing to find a new opportunity elsewhere - but his company are amazing as the salary, nice team mates, 1 year paternity leave, plus other perks like bonuses, away days and the high percentage paid by the company into his pension etc are just far too good to give up in a way. It has essentially afforded us this life we have and the employers are headquartered and only located in Edinburgh.

Family is absolutely important of course, but hubs is convinced he will never find another job/ company that even comes close to what he has currently, and we are trying to second guess what the hybrid/ remote working policy will be come next year after his company move to their new offices.
It also might not be feasible even for us to move further south but him travel up on the train for say 2-3 days a week in the office in Edinburgh. I feel that the cost of trains and hotels, commute timings and him being away from us a lot will make it not worth doing almost. It would be a huge risk to move and then be told he can't do remote work/ live elsewhere too.

Plus we love our area, family community feel etc - there's just so much going on up here in and around Edinburgh too. The opportunities for the children in future, access to spectacular scenic countryside, beaches and activities, schooling etc far exceed what is available nearer family. Then again that's what we grew up with, and we were happy enough as kids as we knew no better.

We've just absolutely been spoilt with the "good" life up here but our parents aren't getting any younger and we'd love our kids to grow up knowing their family and new cousins on the way! It's just so tricky giving up what we have grown/ built up here.

Has anyone else been in this tough situation and could help shed any light/ give a different perspective on things?

Feeling so torn, just wish we could move our family closer.
Sick of being on the road going up and down the A1 all the time 😅 but would certainly miss Edinburgh life massively if we moved back down south permanently. I don't want to move back, or even a bit nearer to them, to somewhere we don't really know, and then seriously regret it.

Grateful for any advice 🙏 thank you for reading 😅

Remember that if you go back, you might be expected to become your parents/in laws carers at some point.

We moved away and our parents are now elderly and I had to take over lots of money/admin from my mum remotely.

There is no way we are moving back. We had DD with no family around but she still has a close bond to the grandparents with visits 2x a year and lots of Skype sessions.

A good job is so important nowadays, I would hope that my family understands the need to be secure and happy where I work.

We moved back to the North from London. DH was still able to be in London within 2 hours (friends in the Surrey commuter belt on slow trains took nearly as long). I would trial a move for a while by renting a house first for a year.

Stay where you are. You admit that his job is the thing that's giving you a great lifestyle, so I wouldn't risk that - particularly in this financial climate. A really good, well-paid job with decent employers is bloody hard to find, so don't throw it away for sentimental reasons. Your life is in Edinburgh. You can always visit family. There are plenty of trains!

We live at the opposite end of the country to my family (and DH's family live abroad). I have to say I do regret it. When my children were little it would have been so wonderful to be closer to my parents, my siblings and my nieces and nephews. I really feel we missed out on a lot by being so far. My kids only see my parents maybe three times a year and they get on brilliantly but could be emotionally closer if I'm honest. It would have been so helpful to have family nearby when we were struggling with small children.
Now my children are older and easier (11 and 13) but my parents are old and frail. I feel helpless by being so far. Every day I feel sad about the fact they don't have many years left, they're struggling and I'm at the opposite end of the country. I wish more than anything that I could help them and send more time with them.
These days many jobs are hybrid so if your DH has to work in Edinburgh I'd definitely look at options where he commutes or works at home some of the time.

Don’t move

We moved back to Wales to be nearer my parents the in-laws and sisters , sadly mum died within a year and dad had a new lady friend a year after that

Dsis children are older than mine , so no real relationship with them

Now our children are grown up and have had to move for work , and we’re retired and can’t move nearer them as FIL is still alive ( I’d move , but DH feels guilty)

As soon as he’s gone we’re back over the bridge !

Stay. You have a great life, with job security, in a wonderful city. You might not enjoy living too close to your family, so the risks would be huge if you moved.

Stay. All the pluses are in Scotland and none in Leicester.

We chose family over location, potential job opportunities. But we moved to a cheaper area (though nicer neighbourhood) so our lifestyle is considerably better and dd has her grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins nearby.

If you're thinking like this now, I think those feelings will increase when you have your second and travelling to see family becomes even more difficult.

I'd say it's a no brainer to stay. You've built a whole life where you are and from what you say it sounds like a fantastic basis for family life as your kids get older with money from your good jobs, good schools, and lots of amenities on your doorstep. They can still grow up with a great relationship with their grandparents and cousins. I would suck up the travel as a necessary evil when your day to day life sounds so good.

There’s no way I’d move under those circumstances. I’d make sure my children were properly Scots. If we had moved up there, our university bills would be much lower.

I would stay where you are. You have a lovely life by the sound of it, and I presume it provides a level of financial comfort that means you could travel to visit family.

We have family who live an hour away and family who live 6 hours away who dc see less often. They are no less close to the family 6 hours away and probably spend more time with them overall because we make the most of our visits. Being physically close doesn't mean your dc will actually form good bonds. I'd stay where I was happy and there were more opportunities.

Sorry did you say your husband gets a year paternity??! If that's the case then at least stay for that and make the decision after.
Jobs like he has are very hard to come by o I would be loathed to give that up, you spend a large amount of time working so it's important it's with a good company and people you get on with.
However my kids have grown up with one set of grandparents very close and one set not and as they have got older it has really become apparent that this has shaped their relationship, they are much closer with the closer grandparents even though both set live an equal distance away from us now.

You make it sound like your DH doesn’t want to move and hasn’t even checked what the job market is like where you want to be going to. He’s putting up lots of (good) reasons not to move.

Unless you both really want to do it then don’t as if things are not rosy in the midlands after a move it will always be your fault because you were the driver of the decision.

I wouldn’t move. It’s a pain to travel with kids but balance that against a potentially much better lifestyle in Scotland. From what people say on here pre-school childcare seems better, university is certainly cheaper, you may one day get to be in Europe again!!. There is also no guarantee that your kids will be friendly with their cousins just because they are there.

If things change you can move in the future but I wouldn’t move now.

Stay in Edinburgh.

Definitely stay.

A years paternity? Honestly, if that is the standard of his job, it does sound exceptional and probably would be hard to replicate. I would stay put.

I would stay for now, take your maternity and let your husband have his year's paternity (that's amazing!). I wouldn't make any big decisions about moving until after that, you won't get those benefits in time for your baby arriving anywhere else if you move jobs now.

Maybe aim to make a decision before your eldest starts school?

Congrats on your pregnancy!

Yes I agree. There is no rush to move until school age or just after, so plenty of time to think about it. Don’t make any hasty decisions especially with the very generous paternity package.

I was living on the other side of the country when DC was born. We moved back to our home town for a while but ended up moving back.

I would just prioritise regular visits back home instead of moving permanently.

If you are in Scotland your kids don’t pay uni tuition fees. That’s massive. Also better support with prescriptions etc. All of that needs taking into account.

A few things to consider, one that family make it a priority to see you as you are visiting which might not be as much once you move back. They may or may not be able to help with childcare or babysitting depending on health. The cousins may or may not get on. There could even be a family fall out which you find yourselves on the outside of.

We moved closer to family for jobs but if I tell you my Mum went from being in really good health to dead within 3 months from cancer you might move your entire lift and not get the life you envisaged.

I think there are far too many positives where you are that outweigh the potential positives for a move back down to the Midlands. The first thing is your Dh needs to look what jobs are being offered back in the Midlands. Don't underestimate how great the known job is versus the unknown new job.

It's quite possible for the children to have a great relationship with the grandparents even if they are 300 miles away

It's not in the house every day , but spending weeks at a time together during the holidays

And in terms of childcare - a week in the summer holidays might be fine for elderly parents whereas a day or two every week or every day school pick up might be way too much

This is a bit like living abroad even though it's within the U.K. It's a tough call but your husbands mental health and the prosperity of your whole family rely on his job to a large extent. Many people stay abroad because family aren't a big enough pull.

I’d stay where you are too, I’d go for the quality of life for my children. I’d prioritise longer visits in school holidays with your parents.
We moved a couple of hours away from my parents and 4 hours away from DH family before we had kids. We love where we our now and would never move back, when the kids were small it was harder not having family support, but we’ve built up a great network of friends here ( that we met through the kids ) and they’re not small for long. My kids love a road trip to see family and my siblings bring cousins to stay with us a couple of times a year. Our parents come & stay a couple of times a year with us along with our visits to them. ( DH mum is in her 80’s now) so doesn’t drive here but a taxi to the train & we collect her this end. She spent Christmas with us this year. My kids are really close to grandparents & cousins.
We live within walking distance of a lovely Town and are surrounded by countryside and they have a lovely life. I’ve never regretted not moving back.