Thanks to MN I stalked my ex and this is what happened....

[chatenoire]

There's this thread going on about "where would you be if you had stayed with your first love"... So I found him on LinkedIn and clicked on his profile. TBH I thought he'd ignore me .. but instead he messaged me back and said he didn't really understand why I looked him up. I just said I was approaching 40. We exchanged a few messages about our careers but he kept going back that he hoped I found what I wanted to find. He definitely took it too deeply. He even remembered the number of years we haven't been in touch (I definitely had lost count!)

Okay? I don’t think he’s been overly intense here, it was strange to message and he’s (seemingly!) a bit confused by it. Remembering a number of years isn’t a big deal given you literally mentioned your age in a message to him.
What exactly were you hoping to achieve?

Strange

This is really strange. No wonder he’s thinking wtf? 😅

I'm 100% happily married. I just find it funny.

There have been lots of threads on MN where OP have been really upset and perturbed by their partner's exs making contact after many years.
I think it's strange you have done this for such a flippant reason and not given any consideration how other people might react.

Oh dear.

If you’re going to snoop do it incognito. Don’t blame MN!

I didn't message him though... He just got the notification that I saw his profile (as per LinkedIn rules) and then he messaged me.

Yes, I know. Couldn't be bothered to get a different tab. My bad in that sense!

I'd be completely weirded out too if an ex from donkeys years ago suddenly turned up stalking my LinkedIn of all things. I don't think he's reacted in any way unreasonably to express that your behaviour is weird.

Funny how? Genuinely op, I’m not getting it. I get that you didn’t message him first (apologies for misunderstanding) but you knew LinkedIn would send a notification so it’s much of a muchness really.
It’s strange that if you’re happily married as you say, you’re choosing to reach out to ex flames on a whim. It’s a bit weird on your part.

I didn’t realise that LinkedIn told people who was looking at their profile! I’ve never had an account but have certainly looked at people’s profiles as much as you can without logging in and wondered about signing up to see more. Will definitely not be doing so now - I usually look at work contacts to find out more, but have occasionally had a nosy at people I knew years ago.

So, he basically said, Fuck off, you weirdo.

I’m not getting how irs funny or a big deal. He saw your profile, reached out, chatted nicely. Why is it funny or such a big deal you have to start a thread about it, what are we missing?

I don't think so, but he was definitely weirded out. He did give me tips on how to climb the corporate ladder.

How was he weirded out.

you’re behaving a little unusually.

He might remember how many years it's been (he remembers how old he was, I expect...not unusual) but you looked him up and are now sharing the story!

If I'd stayed with my first love I expect I'd be very secure but somewhat bored. And I wouldn't know good sex.

For a site where so many people seem obsessed with knowing who's at the door, why is that person walking past my house, I don't really understand why people think it's odd to look up and old flame? Sure it was stupid to not do it incognito but it's not the end of the world.

I think it depends on how much of an ex someone is as to how inappropriate.

I don’t actually think it’s that weird to wonder what has become of someone in a casual sense, but I think it depends on how far you take that.

All my ex’s were from back in my school days. I was at boarding school though so all our relationships were pretty intense. So when you broke up you stayed friends because you had to co exist in the same space and you had the same friendship groups.

I had three fairly long-term relationships back then (as in over a year) and I am friends with two of them on social media. Because it was a long tie ago and water under the bridge.

The one I don’t know what happened to we broke up because he was a violent control freak and so I have no desire to even care where he is. But the other two, well, one got married about five years ago, and the other one is on his 4th divorce, so lucky escape there.

But I wouldn’t e.g. start messaging my ex husband, although by virtue of the fact we have children together I do know where he is in life and what he’s doing. But that relationship was different in terms of being serious/long term with far-reaching consequences.

So I do think there’s a difference.

If you’re married you should not have replied to his message. I’d be really upset if my dh was messaging exes and looking them up online.

What on earth is wrong mn lately?
your post is completely fine to me - and people are jumping on you and bashing you?

yes, looking up exes happens. Yes, wondering what our lives would be like if we stayed with our first love is an entertaining thought. I didn’t get anything out of this post other than it was a lighthearted “what if”, and he certainly remembers you.

is everyone ok? It just so bizarre to me that responses are so aggressive lately.

is this site being trolled by 12 year old boys?