Please help, awful situation and have no idea what to do

[Implodedsuddenly]

My life feels a massive mess right now and I honestly don't know what to do.
We were relocating in order to get our son in a suitable school. A massive move for us, 4 hours away. He is autistic and this school was perfect. A small independent school for autistic boys.

Our other son was going to the other 'normal' independent school which is part of the same group. Our eldest son was going to the local sixth form college.
My husband and I had both secured jobs to start in September and we have bought a house in the new location.

6 weeks ago, the special school failed ofsted very miserably and as a result, cannot take new kids. Bit of a disaster but, the other independent school said they could take him until the special school can let new children in again.

On Monday, we have been told the 'normal' independent school is closing down at thr end of term due to financial issues and the special school is at risk of closure too!! There is absolutely no other suitable school in the area for them, particularly our autistic son.

I feel like the world around me has imploded. Our only option would be to home school our autistic son and possibly the other one. This would mean one of us giving up our job and being really skint and it's not what they want anyway.

We also own a house 4 hours away that we can't move in to and tied into a 5 year mortgage (we'd have to pay to end it early) 😪 I just can't believe it. We moved into a bloody small but expensive rental where we currently live to tide us over the last 6 months when the house sale went through. Now all our money is tied up in a house 4 hours away 😪

To make matters worse, our eldest son was so looking forward to the move and starting sixth form somewhere new. Any mention of staying round here and he loses his mind. This breaks my heart as he was so excited 😪

I feel that whatever we do, we will upset someone. If we move, we have 2 boys without a school but the eldest is happy. We'd also be skint.
If we don't move, we'd have to fight the EHCP for a suitable placement, but the other 2 boys have a school/sixth form and we have our jobs still. The eldest son however is refusing to go to our current local sixth form as he wanted to 'start again'. But, we're in a shit rented house and all our money is tied 4 hours away.

I have the permanent shakes and haven't eaten for days. I feel absolutely beside myself. There is no good option here.

What the hell do we do? About all of it? 😪

Eating would be a start. You're no use to anybody with the permanent shakes.

Are there other schools around the new area? Even if you have to drive a bit further?

Could you look at online schooling?

Could you rent the new house out?

Does sound like a stressful situation however don't make yourself sick over it. Eat and drink and work for a solution.

I’m sorry, what a difficult situation to find yourselves in.

However in the long run it sounds like the school wasn’t as suitable as it was claiming to be - better your ds hasn’t been put in an unsafe situation by being there.

Is there an option where your oldest ds boards somewhere for the fresh start & the rest of you stay where you are while you work out what to do?

Could you move so the eldest hoes to sixth form, middle child goes to a decent school whether independent or state while you find out about the youngest son's school.

I presume there isn't a school for the youngest where you are anyway, so you're not worse off in that respect.

Ugh what a nightmare: how horribly stressful and unfair after all the work you did to sort everything around this school.

Youre legitimately allowed to be stressed about it but then have to get it together in order to mobilise.

I think what I’d do in this situation is get a clear list of the ‘must haves’ and work from there.

It sounds like the special school is the main reason you were moving? In which case I think I’d make that the priority, look for alternative schools in other areas, and see if could find a space, then let everything follow from that. Hopefully can then find more mainstream options around that school and either work your jobs remotely for a bit or find a different job closer to the new area.

Sadly sounds like you’ll have to rent out the house you’ve just bought and rent bear suitable schools until you’re settled in a new area.

Can’t you just port the mortgage if you sell before the end of the term? You don’t have to stay in that house for the entirety of the mortgage!

I’d rent the new house out and stay where you are. Two have schools so it’s just one to find.

What a nightmare, that is so so hard.

I would advise that you spend a few hours working out what would be best financially.
Start with listing out all possible options

1. move and live there
2. sell house
3. rent out house and maybe move later
4. etc etc etc

Now work out what each of those options mean in terms of money, both one off hit and Monthly payments.

At least at that point you will be able to make a decision based on reality rather than panicking.

With oldest son, I would work out the numbers as best you can and then just have an honest discussion- yes it isn’t fair, but sometimes life throws a spanner in the works. It will be good for him to see his parents take control of a difficult situation, and that the whole family can survive it.

Get the eldest to find other 6th form school options in the current district where there are schools for the other 2. At his age a 40 minute bus commute would be normal if needed. You should probably hurry up if you want him to have a confirmed place for September as places will already have been allocated and many will be full.
Is he interested in taking A Levels from home? If he’s motivated, able and organised this can work.

You could see if there is any way out of paying the fees, or at least reducing the advertised penalty, to end the mortgage early - talk to your lender, explaining your child's disability - they have an obligation to be supportive of people in vulnerable circumstances and this is something beyond your control. You could contact the Financial Ombudsman if you get nowhere with your lender. The Ombudsman is not overly supportive of fees for fees sake, in my experience. You may get nowhere with this, but it's at least worth a try if you decide you want to sell up and move somewhere else/stay put.

You've had a huge shock and have a really tough situation.

Today I'd take a day off thinking about how to fix it and a day crying about how shit it is. Try to eat.

I know it's awful but you're all safe and there is a route to a place where your kids have options. You sound like you have resources enough to make some choices. The first choice doesn't have to be the permanent choice.

Look after your kids and tell them life does throw curve balls but family helps you through it.

Take a breath and think about this logically.

You could have moved, kids settle into new schools, everything perfect then 3 months later they close because of finances. You're no worse off now than you would have been had you moved and everything initially been perfect.

Was the new independent specialist school agreed and named in your sons EHCP? If so, that = ££££ to the LA and in my experience they'll be very happy to work out an alternative with you because it will save them some money. Failing that, if keeping him out of school is the preference, you could go down the route of looking at EOTAS packages.

What is the new area?
Local knowledge might help you here.

I'd delay any move until August and extend the expensive rental until then to give yourself a bit of breathing space.

Your youngest will be the hardest child to place so start again with looking for a small, independent school anywhere in the country which would be suitable for him.

If you can find one elsewhere that you like then I think that the other things like schools/6th forms/houses/jobs etc will become easier to sort.

If you can't find one that you like then a move to the planned location with a tutor for the youngest and a different school option for the middle one might be the easiest solution there.

One other thought - if you're paying for independent schooling for the younger two, would you be able to offer the same to the eldest for 6th form? If so you could also think about boarding which would mean that you could get them sorted independently of the rest of the family which might be helpful given that they're A levels stage.

@Muthaofcats just…why? It’s right there already.

Did you mean to @ me? I don’t understand your question?

Those suggesting to rent out the new house…presumably OP would have to get permission from her mortgage company, change the type of mortgage she has and also get permission from/change her house insurance. It’s not as simple as “Rent it out”.

OP, if you say the rough area people might be able to help. Join some online groups in that area and find out what people who also wanted to send their DC are doing.

Yes you would need to change your mortgage; but I think there is no escaping some administrative hassle / cost in this situation. It’s all about focusing on what the most important problems to solve first are and then everything can flow from that.

I wouldn’t suggest a solution which required home schooling unless you were inclined to have done that anyway; sounds miserable if your son is very high needs.

you could look in to selling the property You’ve just bought but obv will take the hit on the wasted stamp duty and may not want to buy again until settled in a new area.

You and DH need to sit down and work out what is best for the family overall. Your eldest child doesn't get a say in the overall decision, though that can be considered. Maybe another option, if you stayed, would be a fresh start at another school in the same area? Otherwise, if it is overall better to be in the new area, move in and make the best of the schools that are available to you.

She's referring to the fact you quoted the OP (read her username).

Oh I see, sorry

No easy solutions, but make sure that you eat, exercise and look after your physical and mental well-being as best you can

And, remember, once you have a plan, you'll feel better

I’m a bit confused about the house 4 hours away. I get that you have a mortgage that you are tied into but can that not be ported over to the new house? Most lenders would allow that.

Thank you SO much everyone.
I am typing a proper reply x

There must be some other 6th form options in the new place? Try posting on the education board and getting some advice that's local to the area?
If you can find another suitable 6th form then eldest is sorted and you can then focus on how to solve for other son. Given eldest is heading to A level I think important to get him sorted first.
Then you can explore other SEN provision and perhaps if you plead with the school they may accept a pupil exceptionally?

Ok so….

New area:-
Own house
Job for you
Job for husband
School for eldest
No school for middle (can he be accommodated elsewhere nearby?)
No immediate school for youngest. If special school reopens then school but if it closes then no suitable school anywhere nearby

Old area
No house
Job for you?
Job for husband?
School for eldest (but doesn’t want it)
School for middle
Maybe school for youngest? But presumably originally unsatisfactory or you wouldn’t have planned the move in the first place.

What did the special school fail Ofsted on? Crap at paperwork or feeding the kids to a tiger? If it sorted itself would you be happy to send your youngest there?