Estranged mum has died - handhold please?

[notsurehowtofeel2024]

I won’t go into detail as it might be outing but I’ve just learned my estranged mum died about a month or two ago. I had no contact with her or my brother for over ten years now. Haven’t the slightest where my dad is. No other living family.

I have always wondered how this would feel, I imagined I wouldn’t feel much or even feel a bit relieved (she abused me, as did dad and brother.) I have a dear friend whose dad is being treated for stage 4 cancer and she’s in bits, I have no idea what it’s like to be close to your family. I can’t imagine feeling sad about this but perhaps I’m just in shock? But also feeling like I’m a rubbish person for not feeling more? Can anyone relate?

I don’t even know if I’ll take the day off work. Perhaps I should? I’ve told DH, he is supportive of me, haven’t told DCs as they’d never met her and are quite young, it seems completely irrelevant.

I think it’s normal to feel shock and grief even in your situation. All of it. You can grieve for the mother she should have been, and grieve for yourself too. It’s normal to be sad I think . Take the time off. You are being confronted by the past because of this, be kind to yourself x

There's no way you 'should' feel in these circumstances (or really, any bereavement).

Your real losses - of a decent family - happened years ago.

I felt like I was grieving what I should have had not what id actually lost. I felt quite angry but I was sad, and I think it was because of what I should have had not what I actually had

I think however you feel is normal.
I’m estranged from my family, none of them have died (as far as I know), but I feel no connection to them whatsoever. The only thing I feel are negative feelings.
Abusive parents aren’t parents in the true sense of the word. It’s normal to feel sad that they will never be the parent you wish they were, now that they have gone. It’s normal to feel hatred or anger towards them for the way they treated you. It’s also normal to feel nothing, as the connection and bond was not there because of the way they treated you.
Let yourself feel what you feel (or don’t feel) and roll with that. Don’t grieve though because you think you have to, you really don’t. 💐

I’m sorry. I was in the same position a few years ago. I’d been estranged for 6 years. Didn’t feel sad, never cried, didn’t take time off work. Was all a bit of an anticlimax.

there’s definitely no right or wrong way to feel. It’s probably a bit of a shock for you.

I think your grieving has been done. Because you grieved for a mother that you never really had.

You aren’t a rubbish person. I bet you love your kids and have turned the page from the abuse you received and now have a nice parent-child relationship.

No, you are not a rubbish person. You feel whatever you feel or not, as the case may be.

You seem to have done a lot of feeling in the past so if your head came to a resolution then, perhaps that was enough? Or perhaps a little time will bring something up but if there is nothing, there is nothing.

I shed all my tears as a battered, neglected child, an emotionally abused teen and a gaslit and belittled adult.
Even if my mother's very recent death had made me sad, which it didn't, the only tears I've left are for me, not her.
My sibling feels exactly the same way.

I recently lost my dad who I was no contact with for 20 years, I felt because of that I wasn't allowed to grieve but it has really affected me, I feel angry about the way things turned out. You are allowed to take time out to work through your feelings

But to add I haven't shed a tear, was just angry

Yoy are still grieving .... youre grieving for what could have been and what might have been and that chance has gone

This happened to me recently, so I do understand. My estranged father died. It was a bit weird. I don’t know if I thought someday we might be able to have a relationship again, but I think a large part of me also knew that was a fantasy. I didn’t cry, and it’s okay if you don’t. The only thing I cried over, funnily enough, was feeling pressured by other people to feel more than I did (it’s a long, convoluted story). On the basis of that, though, my advice would be don’t try to force it.

If you don’t have any good memories, why take a day off to focus on someone you were quite rightly estranged from? She never showed any regret for her abuse of you, my father didn’t either (one of the last things he said to me was that I would have to get over blaming him for everything in my life… which wasn’t even the case).

IF on the other hand, at some point, you find yourself crying for the family you wish you could have had, the kind of mother you wish she could have been, that’s very normal too. In this kind of grief, there are no wrong answers.

There’s no right or wrong way to feel and you need to do what’s right for you. You’re not a bad person the slightest.

I think this is such a good point. I do remember crying and hugging my stuffed animals as a very young child when my father was emotionally, verbally, and physically abusive (and I’m luckier than most that it was normally the first two, but that also left me pretty messed up in the head about my self-esteem). By the time I was an adult and we were estranged, I seemed to really be out of tears. He wasn’t sorry, so I didn’t need to forgive him. All I needed to do was take care of myself and make sure I was okay out of that situation.

I am also estranged from my mother so I can understand how you feel. I get that you may feel sad but tinged with some guilt.
It's hard emotionally to be estranged from your family, especially when other people are so close to theirs.

I clicked on your thread as I have exactly the same thoughts as my mum is getting older. We have been estranged on and off for 10 years but 3 years she finally surpassed herself by spitting at my then 22 year old as she fell she hadn't been visiting as much with her great granddaughter. I think when I became a mum this helped me to understand my childhood was not normal and also how I wouldn't treat my children. She is a classic narcissist and I am the scapegoat child my 26 year old brother the golden child. I've grieved what I should have had from my parents( my dad left never to return at 6) and after experiencing her behaviors I'm not 100% sure I blame him but at the same time I hate him for leaving me with her knowing what she is like. I don't think there's a right way to feel hun you are entitled to your feelings no one has lived your life but you. Be kind to yourself and do what you feel is right for you xx

Hi OP

I lost my Mum when I was young she was lovely and it was hard. That was over 20’s years ago.

On the other hand I don’t have a good relationship with my dad. He’s a selfish narcissist and at best I would take a phone call once every 5/6 weeks with him, as that’s all I could cope with. Last year things went even more sour and we’ve not spoken since before Christmas. He was going to knock me out of his will and all that manipulative and controlling bullshit! He can fuck off he’s not going to control me any longer. He’s been a shit dad and selfish beyond belief.

Like you, I see others who are devastated when their father passes away and I know I won’t feel like that at all. I’ll be indifferent. He’s not in the best health and he’s almost 80 so I know he won’t have much longer left in reality but I just don’t really care. Having an abusive parent is toxic and it’s only as an adult I realise how awful he was and I can’t forgive him.

If my best friend died I’d cry like a baby as she’s such a big part of my life but him? I feel nothing. I guess this is his karma, treat people like shit and you end up a lonely old fart that no one likes. As a pp said, I’ve done my grieving for the father I never had. I would think a direct cremation would be best suited for him as no one has a good word to say about him and it would be highly unusual for a celebrant to hear ‘I’m afraid I have have nothing positive to say about him. He was a selfish, controlling, abusive narcissist’.

It’s ok to feel how you feel OP. The way people treat you and make you feel, will impact how you feel.

Wishing you well.

Thank you all for taking the time to respond. I did cry a bit today when I hugged my own DCs, because I love them so much and can’t quite believe how anyone could treat their children as such utter shite as my own mum (and dad) did. I reckon you all are right, it’s been a long grieving process ages ago and I’m already past it all mostly. I appreciate the handholds and kind words. And I’m sorry so many others have gone through this 💐

I’m estranged from my DM who has terminal cancer. I have mixed emotions but mostly I feel very little. I think it will be a relief when she passes, and more of a grief for the mother that I wish I had had.

You can feel whatever you like - even if that’s nothing at all - and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Hey
My mum died about 9 years ago now , we hadn't spoke for 7 years.i made the mistake of going to the hospital and seeing my estranged family , helping to clear her house and plan the funeral , looking back I wish I hadn't. I was the outlier at the funeral , all I heard was what a great mum
, friend , gran she was etc.
I don't think I grieved her dying because I have so many messed up feelings regarding how she treated me as a child and then again as an adult.
Given the choice again I wouldn't have gone and put myself through all the hostility , I already lost my mum years ago.
Biggest hug to you

You've done all your grieving. Don't feel like you have to feel anything

Strangely one of my coping mechanisms for grieving for a Mum I was never going to get was to imagine the hurt I will escape when she dies vs everyone else (or so it felt) around me loved their 'rocks' their Mums, aka their best friends and 'best grandma' in the world to their children.

I would think, well it hurts now but it won't hurt later. I've worked with 50+ yr old women still grieving for their Mums many years on because they can't get over their death.

Also I've always told myself I would take time off when my parents die (Dad wasn't great either) but even though I know I won't be grieving. They took so much from me, so many days I spent upset because of my family. If I get paid compassionate leave, I owe it to myself to take it. To my point above, I'll escape the grieving at point of death but doesn't mean I haven't suffered already.

I'd like to take a week off when each of them go, fully paid, and do something for me.

I can relate in that this will be me at some point and I'm worried I'll have regrets. I need to believe I won't.

I haven't lived with her since under two and haven't seen her for over 30 years. No contact apart from threatening post from her.

Whatever you want to do and however you feel is 100% okay. It is no one else's business and you don't have to justify your feelings or actions to anyone.

The only relative who bothered with me died a few months ago and even though I have "family" alive they are irrelevant. They gave me away so I owe them nothing.

Take care of yourself and do whatever, or nothing, that suits you.

Just reading these replies and it’s so sad to think so many of us have had a crap parent/s. It’s like being part of a
shit gang that many people don’t understand. It’s nice to know there are others who can empathise. Take care all of you

For those of you who walked away and went NC, did you expect/accept an inheritance from your family when they died?

I’ll be honest, if my dad dies and leave me anything (which he probably won’t as he often said he’d remove me or my sibling then I’d get it all then nothing if I disagreed yada yada…) I would put it in a trust fund for my children.

The way I see it, is he was a shit dad in every respect and a shit grandad so if the money can help my children in the future I won’t refuse it for them. One of my children has SEN and I’m not sure if they’ll be independent so I’d put it in trust for them and make sure they had the support they need and a home.

I don’t need his money and wouldn’t use it for myself but absolutely I would to make my children’s life easier because I love them so much.