Estranged mum has died - handhold please?

[notsurehowtofeel2024]

I won’t go into detail as it might be outing but I’ve just learned my estranged mum died about a month or two ago. I had no contact with her or my brother for over ten years now. Haven’t the slightest where my dad is. No other living family.

I have always wondered how this would feel, I imagined I wouldn’t feel much or even feel a bit relieved (she abused me, as did dad and brother.) I have a dear friend whose dad is being treated for stage 4 cancer and she’s in bits, I have no idea what it’s like to be close to your family. I can’t imagine feeling sad about this but perhaps I’m just in shock? But also feeling like I’m a rubbish person for not feeling more? Can anyone relate?

I don’t even know if I’ll take the day off work. Perhaps I should? I’ve told DH, he is supportive of me, haven’t told DCs as they’d never met her and are quite young, it seems completely irrelevant.

Thank you for the additional thoughts. Yes it’s utterly dreadful that so many of us had such crap parent(s), though I am grateful to feel less alone.

I have been considering the inheritance issue as well, I can’t imagine my mum had much of anything but we’re DH and I are very middle class, so I reckon I would stick any extra in a pot for my DCs. My mum contributed so much negativity to my own life (even stealing and committing financial fraud to take money from me) so it would help to balance things a bit. I also pagabe her so much money and paid her way so many times before we were NC. But like @Minniemooose i don’t think I could spend it on myself, it’d be too much of a reminder of her.

Very well summarised. I stopped drinking a few years ago, because almost every time I did I regressed back to talking about my upbringing to people. I'd then feel so embarrassed, exposed and vulnerable the next day and felt like it was a needless cycle.

Last week in a small group <10 at work we were invited to share what 'makes us, us' and share life defining moments from birth until now, and people really went into their upbringing and work history.

I thought I would do the same, but when I finished unlike the others, there was a stunned silence. I thought I'd gone too far but it was simply my upbringing and reality. I did get a few messages after saying no one expected that of my life and how surprised they were and proud of everything just had achieved, but others never reached out.

I've essentially had an anxiety attack ever since and have considered leaving the company for over sharing. It goes to show it wasn't the alcohol which made me feel like this but I am still so vulnerable and embarrassed about that part of my life I cannot control.

In reality I don't feel society knows where to put our group. It's just not widely accepted to walk away from your parents, it's only ok to have a close knit relationship, then everyone thinks you're a saint. How does that work out?

Almost no one understands grieving for parents who are still alive but for this exercise at work, anyone in the session who had a deceased parent they were close to and a decent upbringing/close knit family which was seemingly torn apart by death, had an outpouring of sympathy. Yet those of us never had that and grieved for it all our lives are met with a wall of silence.

Hate to sound immature but it's not fair..

I had a similar sounding family to yours OP though did get an almost immediate phone call when first parent died. I think I was surprised though that was all. I was informed of the funeral which was held on my birthday ( not deliberate, I don’t think remaining parent would have remembered when I was born) I didn’t attend as wasn’t risking more verbal abuse in front of people and definitely wouldn’t have risked my children attending.

I can only say I felt as engaged as I did when a neighbour I barely knew died, same when second parent died though I only found out indirectly then.

You’ll process your feelings over the coming days and weeks and anything you feel is absolutely ok.

And re inheritance. I did get a copy of the Will after second parent died. It was written as if neither I nor my children existed so be prepared. Wasn’t bothered about myself ( and I’d have given it to the cats home rather than accept anything from them) but written as if my children, their only grandchildren , didn’t exist hurt. But showed exactly how awful they were as parents and grandparents.
Just be prepared OP 💐

I was written out of my dad and grandmother's will despite not doing anything wrong other than not fitting in to my dad's new life, despite not wanting anything from them it still hurt tbh, just felt so unloved. My mum died when I was a teenager and I haven't had a proper family since. Very luckily I am close to one of my brothers though but he's all I've had

I totally agree with this as that how I feel.

No, and I know I’m written out of their will anyway. My family are cruel and vindictive and as a result they mean nothing to me, their money means even less - it’s all they care about - money and status and how they appear to other people. It would just be a reminder of who they are/were.

@curiouslycoy It’s quite brave of you and I reckon you should feel proud of yourself! Sorry about the panic attacks though, I hope they subside with time. If it’s any help, I have found that silence from others about my story is not necessarily judgment or condemnation but that my own past is sometimes so horrific that people simply don’t know how to respond. I don’t think we’re very good as a society at coming round when others have had a hard go.

i do agree there’s no good place for us though, and it feels so sad and uncomfortable for us. The closest thing I’ve seen to recognition is that bit that floats around on SM at Mother’s Day (I recognise everyone who has a hard day today, etc) but it feels so inadequate.💐

I had been NC with my father for 10 years when he emailed me out of the blue on DH and my joint email. DH told me he had emailed and my first reaction was "what does he want" but surprisingly it was a generic how are you, how are the kids etc etc.
I'm an idiot and replied.
2nd email was him telling me how ill his wife was (his 4th) and how his golden boy (30 years my junior) was having issues dealing with his mums illness. I said I hoped she was responding to treatment etc etc..
3rd email. He has cancer (not terminal) and he needs me to support him emotionally as his wife and son can't.

I totally lost my shit. I replied saying I was sorry he was ill, but let's discuss the umpteen elephants in the room, shall we. Namely how he picked me up and dropped meion a whim, left me standing waiting for him at a London train station at the age of 14, because he had forgotten he was supposed to meet me, how he never paid a penny to my mum in maintenance, how he embarrassed and humiliated me at my wedding, and how he had NEVER kept a promise to me in my entire life. These are the examples I'm willing to share, but there are many, many more that I brought up to him.
He didn't email me back. 🤣
He lives in an EU country where all children automatically receive a percentage of his estate. I will take it. I will spend it and I will enjoy every penny.
I've imagined going to his funeral and telling his newest family and friends what an absolute arsepiece he was. But I won't. I refuse to waste my time or breath on the man. He doesn't deserve it.
Wow. That was quite cathartic

I wasn’t NC with my parents but I didn’t grieve when they both died 4 years ago and I still haven’t. I regard my childhood as being abusive despite being told ‘we gave you everything’, I need to move on but it’s very hard.

I imagine I will feel similar one day so I am reading this thread for those who have gone through this. My feeling as others have said are that there are no shoulds in such a situation and maybe the one thing you are spared is the terrible heartbreak that comes with losing someone you really cared about. I would though take very good care of yourself and be gentle and kind, even if you don't feel sad it's still a shock.... treat yourself kindly and give yourself some good days.

Thank you, I really appreciate you taking time to respond to my post. I feel slightly better but still deep down wished I hadn't revealed so much. It is work after all! A strange exercise to go through in my opinion and I didn't feel comfortable about it. I do think anyone who shies away from it (and it's a company wide exercise at my level) is more likely because they don't have a story.

Those with a story tend to want to tell it. I did say to someone in another team I had done it and they said 'oh, the competition for the biggest sob story' and that made me feel worse because it's reality, not a sob story.

I can just throw a sentence out like 'so and so died' and everyone understand, I had to bring to life what day to day life was like in those days and some stark examples of why my life was so different, which is why I felt so uncomfortable but probably safely nestled me into 'sob story' or 'is she telling the truth' land.

My estranged mother died in January. We hadn't spoken for 7 years. I made the mistake of bowing to pressure and seeing her a couple of times before she died. The funeral ( which I attended as it was "the right thing to do") was full of stories about what a wonderful person she was. It was bloody awful. I was the first person on my feet and out of the crematorium and I haven't seen any of my family since.
I hugely regret getting in contact, and going to the funeral, and absolutely will not be going to my father's.
I grieved the loss of my parents many years ago and felt nothing when DM died. It's a strange time, OP, so go easy on yourself.

My dh, although not estranged from his parents, had a very tumultuous relationship with them. When they died friends said that it might take him time to react and be sad about it, and that he should go to their funerals for closure, but he wasn't and hasn't been. For him it was a relief they were no longer going to abuse him over the phone, or in person. He didn't go to their funerals, in fact wasn't actually told when his fathers was.
I felt sad about their passing more for my dh not having the childhood he should have had and more what he missed out on.
I hope you have found or find peace now 💐

My particular parent isn't dead yet, but when they are I've recently thought that I most likely go to their funeral because they sexually abused my bro and I.
It's not just the fact that they did it, it's the non acknowledgement and denial of it. They will never apologise (not that I'd forgive it) but it's the gaslighting and lack of give a shit.
The fact that I won't attend might change, but it would be a blessing for them because I might not be able to keep my mouth shut and nobody deserves that at a funeral.
The other parent allowed it to happen and more.

Thanks for making a space for us, OP.
I need to get things off my chest.

@curiouslycoy I'm not sure if this is helpful, but please don't feel embarrassed by sharing your experiences. I have a friend at work in a similar boat and sometimes, when she is ready, she'll share something not dissimilar with me. All it makes me feel towards her is overwhelming pride at all she's achieved against heavy odds, and how far she's come as a person to be able to face her reality head on. She doesn't take compliments easy, but I hope she knows how strongly I feel about her, and very much all positive. I really feel that a lot of your colleagues will feel similar about you and just won't know how or whether to articulate it!

That said, I really hate these work exercises like that. I think the theory is that in making yourself a bit vulnerable in a group you bond quicker, but I think it's a really shitty tactic. People shouldn't feel their choices are to either lie or tell people something they are not totally comfortable with. I think, if you feel up to it, feeding back how harmful this exercise can be would not go amiss.

@notsurehowtofeel2024 for what it's worth, I don't think there is a right/wrong way to feel, and whatever you do feel now and in the coming months is right for you. So I think my advice would be to cut yourself some slack, don't worry about other people's (or your own!) expectations of your response, and just take each day as it comes. Give yourself permission to feel how you feel basically.

Thank you @EnterFunnyNameHere I really appreciated reading your post.

I think I've gotten to the bottom of it. The past 2 days I've had comments from 2 people who were in that meeting hinting my peers have more experience than me.

'Oh it's the benefit of her coming from a huge company' and 'she came in fresh and was able to own her region'.

Really what I did in that call was highlight I didn't come from the industry I'm in now, I joined via a maternity contract in a junior role in another department and moved across within 5 months. I've been there for 10 years and worked my way up but I think their behaviour towards me was due to their own lack of knowledge of my past work history.

Again, shouldn't judge but they are.

My estranged father died earlier this month. I did get to see him at the hospital as my aunty phoned me. I actually held his hand as he died. He wasn't awake. I grieved a little for the man I wish he had been. We hadn't seen each other for 9 years. Then the fun began as it dawned on his family I was his legal next of kin and he didn't leave a will. Ive inherited the contents of his bank. He didn't own property so it has been very straightforward. Although the coroner has been involved and i have arranged his cremation. His side of the family now hate me. He knew about making a will apparently according to my aunt but didn't get around to it despite knowing himself he was very poorly. I personally think he was being put under pressure to make one and he was a very smart man and would have known anything left over would goto me. At least that's what I keep telling myself as his last show of love to me. He was a very hard man. Very unloving and not great at feelings. But I do know he loved me in his own way. I'm grieving the fact I wish I had seen him but we had such a difficult relationship. I didn't like the person he was (very racist bnp type person) heavy drinker etc but I'm hoping deep down he would be happy with my decision to sort everything out in the end. As it is now his side of the family have cut me off but that's fine as they all much the same type of people. I've had absolutely no one in my life say I'm doing the wrong thing by taking his money. I have helped out my 3 adult dc a little and paid off some debts. There wasn't much but it's helped me. His family would have drank it up the wall eventually. I've stopped feeling bad. Sorry hope that helps xx

I don’t think there’s any right or wrong way to feel.

When mine died, I felt nothing at all. A couple of days later, I had a little cry of sadness that I didn’t feel anything. And I’ve been fine ever since. I had a chance to say anything I wanted to say, but there was nothing. He meant less than a stranger to me.

There was some money left over from his estate and my DB had all of that. I didn’t want a penny of it. And I didn’t go to his funeral, which was the right decision for me.

The important thing to remember is that you feel how you feel. And that sounds so trite but it’s really not. If you don’t care that she’s gone, that’s actually ok. If you’re dreadfully hurt and/or angry that she couldn’t or wouldn’t be the mother you wanted, you’re entitled to feel that way. And if you feel a sense of relief that it’s all over now, that’s ok too.