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Original poster

How to politely say eff off?

60 replies

GR8GAL · 13/05/2024 10:19

Long story short, I stopped speaking to my "friends" over 10 years ago when a nasty rumour was spread about me. Consequently I suffered sever depression and alcoholism, resulting in attempts to take my own life, I was left very lonely and hopeless. It was devastating. I've since recovered, after many rock bottoms, and have been alcohol free for 5 years now, all of the friends I've made since then know this and today I have a wonderful relationship and an incredibly supportive group of friends.

Cut to this weekend and one of old gang has reached out saying "Long time no see, fancy meeting up for a drink?" and expecting me to relay the last 12 years worth of my life's events. Also seems to think I'm still single which is a bit insulting, this person hasn't made any attempt to maintain a friendship in all this time and clearly doesn't really know the person I am now, expecting me to fill them in.

How can I tell this person that I have no interest in reconnecting just because it suits them now? I find it incredibly obtuse and tactless but don't want to seem bitter. I have a wonderful life now but they don't deserve the details nor do they deserve to be a part of it.

What would you do in this situation?

OP posts:
Kesio · 13/05/2024 11:16

Agree with most - just don’t reply at all. Delete the message and forget about it.

Original poster
GR8GAL · 13/05/2024 11:17

FlickDrink · 13/05/2024 11:07

I don't see this as being as bad as other posters. They just asked if you wanted to meet up. If they knew you were an alcoholic then asking to go for a drink was tactless but a very normal thing to do.
Did this friend actually do anything wrong? Did the spread the nasty rumor? If so then block but if not then you could message.

Whatever you want is ok.

Nice to have an alternative opinion. I have no idea what extent he had in spreading the rumour but doesn't negate the fact that he didn't bother to reach out in over a decade.

OP posts:
Original poster
GR8GAL · 13/05/2024 11:18

Sunnyandsilly · 13/05/2024 11:11

I’m also not sure how offering to meet up is really bad, or how not realising you’re in a relationship is insulting. They prob didn’t look fully. Just ignore and block. Don’t stress over it.

They don't seem to have looked at all and expect me to fill in the blanks. Hard pass.

OP posts:
readingismycardio · 13/05/2024 11:20

Just give them the "seen" treatment.

HelenHen · 13/05/2024 11:27

It's possible this person had nothing to do with the rumours, and has a different version of events, maybe believing you ghosted them for no reason (just playing devil's advocate. I have absolutely no reason to believe that).

However, given the trauma that this friendship caused you, and your reaction to being contacted, it's probably not a good idea to revisit this period of your life.

There's also a possibility though that you could gain some level of closure from meeting up and saying your piece. Though, in all honesty, it's probably better to just ignore

WimseyofBalliol · 13/05/2024 11:36

GR8GAL · 13/05/2024 11:18

They don't seem to have looked at all and expect me to fill in the blanks. Hard pass.

Show quote history

You’re being weird about this part. From what you say, you’re the one who dropped your old friends because of the rumour, and went through a long period where you were depressed, alcoholic and suicidal. Now you’re cross because this person didn’t try to stay in contact even though you clearly didn’t want to, and because they didn’t study your FB in enough detail to determine your relationship status?

Obviously, you don’t need to reply if you don’t want any contact, but this person doesn’t seem to me to have done anything wrong is messaging.

SingingSands · 13/05/2024 11:40

I had a similar thing happen to me, breakdown of a friendship group in my 20s. When one of the women messaged me about a decade later I just ignored her. It was the same sort of message as yours. I didn't reply and she didn't message again.

Original poster
GR8GAL · 13/05/2024 11:49

WimseyofBalliol · 13/05/2024 11:36

You’re being weird about this part. From what you say, you’re the one who dropped your old friends because of the rumour, and went through a long period where you were depressed, alcoholic and suicidal. Now you’re cross because this person didn’t try to stay in contact even though you clearly didn’t want to, and because they didn’t study your FB in enough detail to determine your relationship status?

Obviously, you don’t need to reply if you don’t want any contact, but this person doesn’t seem to me to have done anything wrong is messaging.

Show quote history

I know I said I stopped speaking to them, but it wasn't really my choice after they ghosted me basically overnight so, you've got it all wrong here. I tried over the years to reach out which was ignored. I was simply trying to keep the post short.

OP posts:
Fifthtimelucky · 13/05/2024 12:01

I suspect that what was a devastating experience for the OP, was soon forgotten by her old "friends".

Personally, I would reply and say that I had no interest in meeting up with anyone who had treated me so badly in the past and that I now had a genuine set of friends with whom I preferred to spend my time.

Original poster
GR8GAL · 13/05/2024 12:13

Fifthtimelucky · 13/05/2024 12:01

I suspect that what was a devastating experience for the OP, was soon forgotten by her old "friends".

Personally, I would reply and say that I had no interest in meeting up with anyone who had treated me so badly in the past and that I now had a genuine set of friends with whom I preferred to spend my time.

That hits the nail on the head. Thank you!

OP posts:
WimseyofBalliol · 13/05/2024 12:17

GR8GAL · 13/05/2024 11:49

I know I said I stopped speaking to them, but it wasn't really my choice after they ghosted me basically overnight so, you've got it all wrong here. I tried over the years to reach out which was ignored. I was simply trying to keep the post short.

Show quote history

Well, if you didn’t say any of that, no one was going to get it right. And I still think it’s weird in the circumstances that you’re irritated the former friend getting back in contact hasn’t worked out from your FB that you’re in a relationship.

JamesPringle · 13/05/2024 12:22

GR8GAL · 13/05/2024 11:49

I know I said I stopped speaking to them, but it wasn't really my choice after they ghosted me basically overnight so, you've got it all wrong here. I tried over the years to reach out which was ignored. I was simply trying to keep the post short.

Show quote history

This is key information that you left out of your OP. Bit odd.

pizzaHeart · 13/05/2024 12:26

I think it depends what you want to achieve. Do you want to make a point that they were spreading rumours about you and then were not there for you for quite a long time or do you want to decline invite politely and avoid any future communication?
if the latter neutral response : “thank you, I’m good but quite busy atm” and then blocking them or just blocking.

If you want to make a point how hurtful their behaviour was it’s a different matter.

tiredandabitfat · 13/05/2024 13:03

@GR8GAL 100% block and delete. Don't reply.

Thats the biggest two fingers up you could ever give, more than any words you could say.

What did they say though to give the impression they think you are still single?

tiredandabitfat · 13/05/2024 13:04

Don't reply. Honestly, you look much stronger just blocking. Dont get into playground stuff with them.

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 13/05/2024 13:24

Personally I would ignore and block.

YYURYYUCICYYUR4ME · 13/05/2024 13:26

Block on FB and change your privacy settings, so only those you really want to be able to contact you / message you can. Don't reply, it is really not worth the expenditure of effort and you are a different person now, so the past is a book that's closed and should stay closed.

Original poster
GR8GAL · 13/05/2024 14:28

pizzaHeart · 13/05/2024 12:26

I think it depends what you want to achieve. Do you want to make a point that they were spreading rumours about you and then were not there for you for quite a long time or do you want to decline invite politely and avoid any future communication?
if the latter neutral response : “thank you, I’m good but quite busy atm” and then blocking them or just blocking.

If you want to make a point how hurtful their behaviour was it’s a different matter.

Edited

I would tend towards the latter, I'm not a petty person, I just have zero interest or energy for ancient history and people still living in the past.

OP posts:
TeabySea · 13/05/2024 14:34

"I'm good. Thanks for asking, but I'm not interested in meeting up."

Original poster
GR8GAL · 13/05/2024 14:39

HelenHen · 13/05/2024 11:27

It's possible this person had nothing to do with the rumours, and has a different version of events, maybe believing you ghosted them for no reason (just playing devil's advocate. I have absolutely no reason to believe that).

However, given the trauma that this friendship caused you, and your reaction to being contacted, it's probably not a good idea to revisit this period of your life.

There's also a possibility though that you could gain some level of closure from meeting up and saying your piece. Though, in all honesty, it's probably better to just ignore

I agree. I was never given the chance to say my piece and didn't find out for weeks what was being said about me. By that point no one was talking to me and it had spread to other friend groups in different towns. Its a case of "too little too late" in my opinion.

From what I can gather, there's slim to no chance this person wasn't aware of the rumour, it looks like they're still friends with a lot of those same people. There could be a genuine reason, but 12 years is a bit late, and it seems more likely to me that its out of nosiness or he's out of Tinder matches! Neither of which is a good enough reason.

OP posts:
Original poster
GR8GAL · 13/05/2024 14:40

tiredandabitfat · 13/05/2024 13:03

@GR8GAL 100% block and delete. Don't reply.

Thats the biggest two fingers up you could ever give, more than any words you could say.

What did they say though to give the impression they think you are still single?

He was always very flirty with me when we hung out, and the way it was phrased was very like a date and not just a casual catchup.

OP posts:
MILTOBE · 13/05/2024 14:44

"Sorry, no chance of meeting up. I don't drink any more because I found when I did I mixed with knobs like you. Life's so much better now."

Maverick66 · 13/05/2024 14:48

I would reply 'it's a no from me' and then block.
Can I also congratulate you on your 5 years sobriety......an amazing achievement.👌🏼

tiredandabitfat · 13/05/2024 15:16

Oh I see, I didn't realise it was a male friend, I had assumed female.

The advice stands. Dont reply. Nothing will annoy him more.

Block, move on.

Ohhhthedrama · 13/05/2024 15:18

Not the point of the thread I know, but why are you still FB friends with this person who hurt you so badly?. Maybe that's why they assumed the door had been left open to make contact?.