Should a dad help with childcare and housework if their partner is a sahm?

[Lipolio]

Just that really. What do you think?

My friends think they shouldn't. I'm of the opinion that housework and childcare after work (at the exception of nights if the dad has to wake up early to go to work) and on the weekend should be shared.

Some of my male friends tell me they have never changed a nappy and would never be expected to as they are the breadwinner and provide everything financially.

I think that if they want to have a good strong relationship with their child they should be doing at least some of the day to day care like bathing and nappy changing.

Bath time and bedtime in particular can be a lovely time for fathers to build relationships with their children.

Some men are amazing fathers. Others don't build a good relationship and it tends to be a problem when the kids are teens or adults.

(That's the polite version. My real thoughts tend closer to most men are lazy fuckers who will do anything to get out of anything they see as women's work and then wonder why their kids don't like them)

You need to go back to work

I don't advise anyone to be a SAHP if your spouse believes it means they don't have to do anything. Go back to work and split the childcare and chores evenly.

I currently work part time and study part time. I still do absolutely everything except load and unload the dishwasher.

DH used to take ours when they were babies after tea, I'd go to bed and he'd be on duty till they needed feeding-they were breastfed.

I didn't expect him to get up in the night, he's a surgeon, and they only ever woke to be fed.

He did his bit, but I would never have wanted him to go to work tired and we had relatively easy babies.

I can't believe that spending time with the kids count as a 'chore'. Why have them then? Wankers.
I voted yes, but agree with @Irishmama100 regarding SAHM of school aged kids - they should be getting all the chores done while their spouse is at work.

You need to sit down and talk.
Agree all the things that need to be done and divvy them out.
He should be spending quality time with his child.

I'm not a SAHM but I've been off work for the last 7 months because I'm on maternity leave with our second child. I can't actually imagine a world in which my husband refused to change a nappy or take out the bins. We generally do a 20 minute cleaning blitz together every evening after the kids have gone to bed just to keep downstairs clean and tidy at least.

I have tried. His response is always: ‘Fuck off out and earn enough to pay for your half of the house.’

I don’t have the earning potential he has. I would leave tomorrow if I could but I am in an expensive part of the country and simply can’t afford a two bed place. Even a full-time job wouldn’t allow me this.

Do you mean is it expected that the 2nd parent will contribute to caring for their child and involve themselves in up keep of home.

Oh love you are being abused by him.
Can you talk to someone? Womens aid or similar?

It's a terrible situation to be in, to be dependent on a man who sees you as a maid and a nanny, and believes himself too important to help the lowly woman who raises the dc and does the housework, for free. I'm very sorry for anyone in that position. It's a shattering loss of dignity and that can be hard to bounce back from.

Ideally no woman would be trapped like this, but many are, at least for a time. I think lots of women believe things at home are roughly equal - and then they have children. And then the male entitlement and contempt crawl out from under the rug (that you Hoover).

Plenty of men are good Dads and good partners. Anyone refusing to clean the toilet and change the nappies because they 'go to work', is neither.

The word isn't 'help'. He shouldn't be 'helping' to bring up his kids. He should be 'parenting' them.

Bringing up children is not the mother's default job, with the father just helping. He is supposed to be an active parent, not leave it all to his wife/dp. Otherwise he's got two days a week off work, and every evening to do what he wants. Where does that leave the mum, who is then on duty 24/7, 365 days a year?

I certainly did the bulk of childcare, but if on holiday my DH did a good amount. He worked very long days and was abroad a lot, and paid for a weekly cleaner which really helped. He took the kids swimming every Saturday morning too. He didn't do much in the house but then he was super tidy (and as I said paid for a cleaner). He also did the cooking at weekends.

Women’s Aid is next on my list. I tried to leave last year but because of a stupid rental property we jointly own in another part of the country, I can’t claim UC, as the equity in it is considered to be cash. The only way I will get any money from our joint assets is when a judge orders it. In the meantime, I have been working hard on my additional qualifications to increase my earnings.

I think it depends. If the child is in nursery all day, every day, for example, then I think that's different.

Why should df get to do less work than as a single man, but dm take on his labour, all the health risks of birth, health risk of sleep deprivation while also damaging promotion/career prospects at, reducing her pension and probably burning through her savings as well.

It’s definitely a conversation to have pre marriage and dc, because the inevitable divorce from these entitled princes is a hassle.

A decent person would continue to pull his own weight, shopping, cooking, washing clothes, cleaning his home and scrubbing his toilet. At a minimum.

It’s not a huge stretch to shop and cook for a partner when you’re already doing it for yourself, or put on an extra load of laundry.

And anyone who wouldn’t want to help their dw recover from birth injuries, and get a chance to snatch desperately needed sleep is not a good person

Once sleep evens out, the mark of equality is equal relaxation and equal access to finances. That still involves pitching in during evenings and weekends if both have worked all day. But if the sahm/sapd genuinely has free leisure time during the daytime, it’s not unreasonable for the working parent to have more in the evenings.

My husband and I have always treated me being a SAHM the same as having a job. Between 9-5, we both work at our jobs (he works from home, if he didn't we'd add the commute time). Anything childcare or housework related that needs doing outside of those hours is shared 50-50.

Obviously this only works because he has a 9-5 desk job, he understands the value and difficulties of childcare and I'm not taking the piss in regard to what I can get done while at home. If he worked much longer hours or did a more physical role, things might be different.

Generally in my home I'd say house tasks should be done in the day time while man at work (eg don't leave the laundry until weekend so he has to help)

But childcare out of working hours is joint.

Overall, rather than "what is fair" thinking "how can I lighten the other person's load/ communicate how I need help" is probably best.

I think this SO depends on how many children, how large a home to manage, DH working hours, any health needs/restrictions etc. both partners should be confident that they're both doing their best

Remember all your assets are 50/50 when you divorce @PotatoPudding. At least. Maybe more for you as the lower earner.
If you can't afford to get a mortgage going off your salary, then the two properties you co-own will be sold and you can get the equity from them as a deposit?

Thank you. He won’t give anything up without a fight; he’s made that clear. I won’t be able to buy again but at least I could get a reliable car and have some savings.

This is fair. But if I vacuum I expect DH to cut the grass with the lawn mower.

He can fight all he likes @potato the law is that all your assets are owned by both of you equally.

This was one of the reasons me and my ex split . I was expected to do everything. All the house stuff all the kid stuff . All the cooking etc. Then when he got in he wanted his dinner. He would just blonck himself down for his all evening rest whilst I was still doing shit... apprently he worked I did not. His mother backed him on this . Felt there was no chance of any understanding. Felt like a massive weight had lifted when I ended the relationship.

I know a mum locally whose in a relationship with a real caveman type like this, won't lift a finger because he works and she stays with the kids, only cooked two meals in ten years together. I can't help but think that they'll get divorced in the end as the years of resentment pile on.