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Have you ever had friends just randomly turn on you?

26 replies

Mumoftwinsandasingleton · 12/05/2024 13:00

I used to have a group of girlfriends (4 of them that I brought together from various walks of life). One of the girls had a friend outside the group who she wanted to invite out with us sometimes. I loved getting to know and meet new people, so I liked when others joined us. However, out of the blue, the "added friend", sent me the most awful text message saying that I'm stuck up and look down on her. That I laugh at her every time she is around. That I think she's worthless because she was 5 years older and single with no kids. She called me all kinds of expletives in the process including a C U Next Tuesday. I was so shocked as I was friendly to her and liked her. I replied that I felt no such way and that I actually liked her but that I would proceed to block her with her having vehement dislike towards me. We bumped into each other a weekn or so later and she was all sweet with me and asked me for a lift to another city that I was going to with friends. I couldn't believe her audacity. I mentioned that I thought she didn't like me based on her text and she laughed and said she was just having an off day.

I mentioned this to the friend who introduced her to us and she said that the friend was sometimes like that via text. I was feeling super self conscious about how I came across to her and with no good reason!

Not long after mentioning this to my group of 4, I got married to my husband, they were all bridesmaids but during the hen do, they refused to do anything "nice" and kept complaining about things being expensive. One of the friends noticed the mood was negative towards me and said she would join me on any activity I wanted to do. Just before lockdown 2020 and a few months after my wedding, they all suddenly blocked me out of the blue except the one who had the friend from outside. I was heartbroken and completely in shock as one of the girls had known me since school and was my bestie. They always reach out to a friend of mine (who they only met at my wedding) and speak really positively of me and are curious how I'm doing. One is in touch with my sister (they only met during the hen do) and she also speaks positively about me and asks questions. I still to this day have no idea why they all blocked me. The one who didn't, always says "I don't know why at all" but I can tell she's lying. The whole ordeal has made me overly self-conscious. I was always the super kind one to everyone so I feel like advantage has well and truly been taken of me.

"The tongue has no bones but is strong enough to break a heart" - I couldn't resonate more with this statement. I've moved on and have really nice new friends but they still flash up in my mind every now and then

OP posts:
GasPanic · 12/05/2024 13:17

Sounds to me like the "added friend" is a nasty piece of work and has organised the rest of the group against you. This is common in large (>2) friendship groups.

Some people get a buzz out of stuff like this, out of shit stirring and being nasty to other people. The good news is sooner or later they will get revealed for the person they are. You can fool some of the people some of the time ...

The best thing to do is find new friends, and accept that if people could behave like this to you without any good reason and were happy to dump you on the word of a relative stranger, they were not good friends to have in the first place.

SuprasternalNotch · 12/05/2024 13:22

No. Can I ask why you come across as so passive in this situation? The way you describe it, other people keep doing mean stuff to you, and you just sort of bustle along absorbing it without talking straightforwardly to anyone, eg ‘Why would I contemplate giving you a lift after that text? or ‘What’s going on with all this negativity on my hen weekend?’

likepebblesonabeach · 12/05/2024 13:24

I would be thinking that added friend has orchestrated this op

DrJonesIpresume · 12/05/2024 13:28

She showed her true colours fairly quickly. Be thankful for that.

And all this nonsense you get from other people about 'oh yes, she's like that, or it's just her way'. Stuff that for a game of soldiers. If someone is obnoxious, I don't care if it is 'oh that's what she's like haha' cobblers from other people.

Eledamorena · 12/05/2024 13:45

I've experienced something similar, and it was the weirdest experience ever. I've never before had any sort of social problems, even at school I was never involved in any sort of girls-leaving-each-other-out nonsense etc.

I had a close group of 3 girlfriends at work. We were all expats together so much tighter than 'work friends' usually are. I was the least 'in' with the group as I had young children and they didn't, but they always involved me in things and were fantastic with my kids. One even stayed overnight with me in hospital when I had a baby. All 3 took it upon themselves to arrange for my husband and I to have a night away while they babysat THREE kids including a new baby. Holidays together. Birthday surprises. That level of friend!

Then suddenly... They just stopped including me. There was a group holiday arranged, with these women and some other colleagues. I arranged to stay in the hotel next door as it was more kid friendly. I knew things were off before we went but I was also experiencing the breakdown of my marriage by this point, so I just couldn't give it headspace. Only one of them even contacted me during the holiday and I didn't meet up with the group.

Back at work, where I was technically the line manager of 2 of these women, one was ostentatiously professional and courteous and the other wouldn't even look me in the face. It was ridiculous. I was months from leaving the job and having an awful time at home, so I didn't even ask them what the problem was. They had cut a woman out of their friendship group before I was very tight with them, and in hindsight I should have seen that behaviour for what it was. I'm ashamed now that when that happened, although I did meet this woman and say I had no idea what was going on (I didn't, really) and that I had no problem with her at all, I didn't push them to consider their cruelty in just cutting her off. They had previously holidayed together as a trio several times a year for two years.

Anyway, I remained friends with one of them. We have all since moved on to other jobs/countries. According to the one I'm still friends with, they ask after me and like to hear how I'm doing. WTF?! They cut me off when I was at the lowest point of my life. With no explanation at all.

I genuinely know I did nothing wrong. If I had upset them in any way and they'd spoken to me, we could have worked things out. I really valued their friendship. It doesn't bother me anymore but there was a time when I was very confused and upset by it, and it did affect my confidence trying to make friends in my next job.

After I moved job and we were all still local, I met up with another mutual friend who had been in our wider group. I didn't want to shit stir but I told her to just be mindful, and make sure she maintained her friends from outside work. That was in the September. By Christmas they had cut her off too. They lied to another friend, saying that she never replied to their msgs etc. I'm reality, when they were stuck in isolation after re-entering the country, she was offering to send them snacks etc.

All just very ridiculous. I can only assume that they haven't matured past about 15 years old, and that they like their friendship circle to function a very specific way, with everyone in their place, and when you don't they just cut you out. The ringleader has no friends from school or uni and says she was bullied. I now wonder if this is true (in which case, maybe she now treats people badly as a result of this? I feel like I'm reaching with that idea, though!)

Anyway OP, just to say solidarity to you! Glad you've moved on. I honestly never thought I'd experience something like this; I'm one of those people who is friendly with everyone and has never struggled with close friendships. I can only assume these women have their own issues and are probably deeply unhappy.

Kesio · 12/05/2024 13:49

I have noticed that often there is ridiculous drama amongst groups of women. It really only takes one bitchy one to poison everything.

I’d just move on. And avoid groups of women.

DoreenonTill8 · 12/05/2024 13:54

Will need to try and link the original 'Wendy' thread for you op!

ExplosionsOfColour · 12/05/2024 13:59

Kesio · 12/05/2024 13:49

I have noticed that often there is ridiculous drama amongst groups of women. It really only takes one bitchy one to poison everything.

I’d just move on. And avoid groups of women.

Misogynistic bullshit.

Mary46 · 12/05/2024 14:08

I avoid these type of groups op or friends of friends. Messy. Find grown women can be horrible at times.

pictoosh · 12/05/2024 14:28

Kesio · 12/05/2024 13:49

I have noticed that often there is ridiculous drama amongst groups of women. It really only takes one bitchy one to poison everything.

I’d just move on. And avoid groups of women.

Men do this as well. It's a safety in numbers things, a self-preservation thing.

People in established social groups don't side with who's right or even who they like the most. They side with whoever has the higher social status because that loss could potentially cause the most damage to their own.

That's not even a criticism, it's just how most people operate. It's not only women.

Pupupthenight · 12/05/2024 14:31

You lost me at "c u next Tuesday"
Just type cunt?

ShadesofPoachedSmoke · 12/05/2024 14:33

You've been Wendied!

As a PP said, there's an amazing original thread on this somewhere, where the shit stirring bitchy cuckoo in the nest was called "Wendy" - came into a friendship group and ousted the OP.

It's a known thing. She can't stand you cos you're so nice/pretty/confident/insert whatever she feels is lacking in herself so has to get rid of you to make herself feel more powerful.

GasPanic · 12/05/2024 14:53

Eledamorena · 12/05/2024 13:45

I've experienced something similar, and it was the weirdest experience ever. I've never before had any sort of social problems, even at school I was never involved in any sort of girls-leaving-each-other-out nonsense etc.

I had a close group of 3 girlfriends at work. We were all expats together so much tighter than 'work friends' usually are. I was the least 'in' with the group as I had young children and they didn't, but they always involved me in things and were fantastic with my kids. One even stayed overnight with me in hospital when I had a baby. All 3 took it upon themselves to arrange for my husband and I to have a night away while they babysat THREE kids including a new baby. Holidays together. Birthday surprises. That level of friend!

Then suddenly... They just stopped including me. There was a group holiday arranged, with these women and some other colleagues. I arranged to stay in the hotel next door as it was more kid friendly. I knew things were off before we went but I was also experiencing the breakdown of my marriage by this point, so I just couldn't give it headspace. Only one of them even contacted me during the holiday and I didn't meet up with the group.

Back at work, where I was technically the line manager of 2 of these women, one was ostentatiously professional and courteous and the other wouldn't even look me in the face. It was ridiculous. I was months from leaving the job and having an awful time at home, so I didn't even ask them what the problem was. They had cut a woman out of their friendship group before I was very tight with them, and in hindsight I should have seen that behaviour for what it was. I'm ashamed now that when that happened, although I did meet this woman and say I had no idea what was going on (I didn't, really) and that I had no problem with her at all, I didn't push them to consider their cruelty in just cutting her off. They had previously holidayed together as a trio several times a year for two years.

Anyway, I remained friends with one of them. We have all since moved on to other jobs/countries. According to the one I'm still friends with, they ask after me and like to hear how I'm doing. WTF?! They cut me off when I was at the lowest point of my life. With no explanation at all.

I genuinely know I did nothing wrong. If I had upset them in any way and they'd spoken to me, we could have worked things out. I really valued their friendship. It doesn't bother me anymore but there was a time when I was very confused and upset by it, and it did affect my confidence trying to make friends in my next job.

After I moved job and we were all still local, I met up with another mutual friend who had been in our wider group. I didn't want to shit stir but I told her to just be mindful, and make sure she maintained her friends from outside work. That was in the September. By Christmas they had cut her off too. They lied to another friend, saying that she never replied to their msgs etc. I'm reality, when they were stuck in isolation after re-entering the country, she was offering to send them snacks etc.

All just very ridiculous. I can only assume that they haven't matured past about 15 years old, and that they like their friendship circle to function a very specific way, with everyone in their place, and when you don't they just cut you out. The ringleader has no friends from school or uni and says she was bullied. I now wonder if this is true (in which case, maybe she now treats people badly as a result of this? I feel like I'm reaching with that idea, though!)

Anyway OP, just to say solidarity to you! Glad you've moved on. I honestly never thought I'd experience something like this; I'm one of those people who is friendly with everyone and has never struggled with close friendships. I can only assume these women have their own issues and are probably deeply unhappy.

Anyway, I remained friends with one of them. We have all since moved on to other jobs/countries. According to the one I'm still friends with, they ask after me and like to hear how I'm doing. WTF?! They cut me off when I was at the lowest point of my life. With no explanation at all.

Probably to provide fuel for their group bonding* sessions.

*Probably better described by another word beginning with b.

Celerysalty · 12/05/2024 15:03

Yes I had this. A miscommunication with a new friend and two of my oldest friends, one I'd known since birthday, froze me out. It broke my heart and still does. A few years later one of them got in touch to apologise and they've been fine when I've bumped into them, but I'm still devastated when I think of it and it was half my life ago.

BlastedPimples · 12/05/2024 15:04

This has happened to me too. No explanation.

I would really just move on and try to forget these people. They have treated you really badly especially in your time of need. They have shown you who they are.

Try and cultivate new friendship groups. Always always be polite to and about these women. Never give them ammunition because bitching about you is what bonded them probably instigated by the deranged woman who texted obscenities to you. What a freak.

Also some other poor soul will be her next target and be wondering what she did to deserve such spiteful isolation.

And as for being assertive and finding out why, there's no point. You will never know. They will never ever tell you the truth. Mostly because the truth is ridiculous and bitchy.

But it has made me a lot more cautious about being open with new friends. I have far fewer friends now as I simply expect them to turn in my for no reason.

Mumoftwinsandasingleton · 12/05/2024 15:14

Eledamorena · 12/05/2024 13:45

I've experienced something similar, and it was the weirdest experience ever. I've never before had any sort of social problems, even at school I was never involved in any sort of girls-leaving-each-other-out nonsense etc.

I had a close group of 3 girlfriends at work. We were all expats together so much tighter than 'work friends' usually are. I was the least 'in' with the group as I had young children and they didn't, but they always involved me in things and were fantastic with my kids. One even stayed overnight with me in hospital when I had a baby. All 3 took it upon themselves to arrange for my husband and I to have a night away while they babysat THREE kids including a new baby. Holidays together. Birthday surprises. That level of friend!

Then suddenly... They just stopped including me. There was a group holiday arranged, with these women and some other colleagues. I arranged to stay in the hotel next door as it was more kid friendly. I knew things were off before we went but I was also experiencing the breakdown of my marriage by this point, so I just couldn't give it headspace. Only one of them even contacted me during the holiday and I didn't meet up with the group.

Back at work, where I was technically the line manager of 2 of these women, one was ostentatiously professional and courteous and the other wouldn't even look me in the face. It was ridiculous. I was months from leaving the job and having an awful time at home, so I didn't even ask them what the problem was. They had cut a woman out of their friendship group before I was very tight with them, and in hindsight I should have seen that behaviour for what it was. I'm ashamed now that when that happened, although I did meet this woman and say I had no idea what was going on (I didn't, really) and that I had no problem with her at all, I didn't push them to consider their cruelty in just cutting her off. They had previously holidayed together as a trio several times a year for two years.

Anyway, I remained friends with one of them. We have all since moved on to other jobs/countries. According to the one I'm still friends with, they ask after me and like to hear how I'm doing. WTF?! They cut me off when I was at the lowest point of my life. With no explanation at all.

I genuinely know I did nothing wrong. If I had upset them in any way and they'd spoken to me, we could have worked things out. I really valued their friendship. It doesn't bother me anymore but there was a time when I was very confused and upset by it, and it did affect my confidence trying to make friends in my next job.

After I moved job and we were all still local, I met up with another mutual friend who had been in our wider group. I didn't want to shit stir but I told her to just be mindful, and make sure she maintained her friends from outside work. That was in the September. By Christmas they had cut her off too. They lied to another friend, saying that she never replied to their msgs etc. I'm reality, when they were stuck in isolation after re-entering the country, she was offering to send them snacks etc.

All just very ridiculous. I can only assume that they haven't matured past about 15 years old, and that they like their friendship circle to function a very specific way, with everyone in their place, and when you don't they just cut you out. The ringleader has no friends from school or uni and says she was bullied. I now wonder if this is true (in which case, maybe she now treats people badly as a result of this? I feel like I'm reaching with that idea, though!)

Anyway OP, just to say solidarity to you! Glad you've moved on. I honestly never thought I'd experience something like this; I'm one of those people who is friendly with everyone and has never struggled with close friendships. I can only assume these women have their own issues and are probably deeply unhappy.

Wow it's crazy how bizarre people are just to cut their supposed friends off! My new friendship group are lovely and one has experienced the same as me from a friend she has known since she was 3! Said friend also tried to get with her boyfriend once they had split. I'm astounded by the disloyalty of some people

OP posts:
Mumoftwinsandasingleton · 12/05/2024 15:17

ShadesofPoachedSmoke · 12/05/2024 14:33

You've been Wendied!

As a PP said, there's an amazing original thread on this somewhere, where the shit stirring bitchy cuckoo in the nest was called "Wendy" - came into a friendship group and ousted the OP.

It's a known thing. She can't stand you cos you're so nice/pretty/confident/insert whatever she feels is lacking in herself so has to get rid of you to make herself feel more powerful.

Wow I'm fairly new in MN so not familiar with Wendy. I'll try to find that thread, thanks

OP posts:
Mumoftwinsandasingleton · 12/05/2024 15:23

BlastedPimples · 12/05/2024 15:04

This has happened to me too. No explanation.

I would really just move on and try to forget these people. They have treated you really badly especially in your time of need. They have shown you who they are.

Try and cultivate new friendship groups. Always always be polite to and about these women. Never give them ammunition because bitching about you is what bonded them probably instigated by the deranged woman who texted obscenities to you. What a freak.

Also some other poor soul will be her next target and be wondering what she did to deserve such spiteful isolation.

And as for being assertive and finding out why, there's no point. You will never know. They will never ever tell you the truth. Mostly because the truth is ridiculous and bitchy.

But it has made me a lot more cautious about being open with new friends. I have far fewer friends now as I simply expect them to turn in my for no reason.

Your comment is so true in every sense. That whole experience completely changed me and I'm definitely more about my wits with new people. We're planning a holiday with the new friends. I'm honestly still so traumatised after the hen do abroad. I don't want this friendship to break down but I keep telling myself that these women have no reason to be jealous at all, as they all have partners (unlike other group) and are all top salary earners (again unlike other group).

OP posts:
Mumoftwinsandasingleton · 12/05/2024 15:25

SuprasternalNotch · 12/05/2024 13:22

No. Can I ask why you come across as so passive in this situation? The way you describe it, other people keep doing mean stuff to you, and you just sort of bustle along absorbing it without talking straightforwardly to anyone, eg ‘Why would I contemplate giving you a lift after that text? or ‘What’s going on with all this negativity on my hen weekend?’

Why are you asking me about my "passive" personality? Not everyone wants to jump into people's face and argue. I can't stand confrontation

OP posts:
Soonenough · 12/05/2024 15:36

I had this too. A woman arrived in my neighbourhood with her DH and two kids . They were from same part of UK as my DH . Kids similar age to mine . We became firm friends , babysat , travelled together , knew each others extended families. Meanwhile she naturally met her neighbours, Mum friends , golfing friends , etc. No problem but then I noticed that the meet ups with us became more infrequent. Eventually we just never spoke again . Occasionally I meet her out and I am polite as is she . Just felt dumped for new shiny friends when no longer useful to her.

OriginalUsername2 · 12/05/2024 15:43

@pictoosh

People in established social groups don't side with who's right or even who they like the most. They side with whoever has the higher social status because that loss could potentially cause the most damage to their own.

Yes! I’ve never seen it put so clearly but this is why I don’t do groups anymore. None of it feels real.

Thelnebriati · 12/05/2024 15:46

If you google 'Wendy Mumsnet' there's loads of threads about being Wendied - the sad thing is once the group decides to go along with Wendy it doesn't matter what you do. It makes no difference if you are passive or assertive.

BlastedPimples · 12/05/2024 16:10

@SuprasternalNotch there is no point in challenging the behaviour. They will never reveal the reasons why, will deny anything is even happening and will perhaps ridicule you behind you back.

I take it you've never experienced this?

Motherfirstbeforeanything · 12/05/2024 16:39

I am going to keep it short for you ,I don't want to stress you out even more by commenting a long essay on a similar event that happened . My advise would be to keep your distance from her,she blows hot and cold, narcissistic behaviour in my eyes.

Sharontheodopolodous · 12/05/2024 17:20

I was in a group of 3 friends

I was vulnerable at the time-I'd just come out of a violent relationship

Both women had husbands and I was a single parent at the time

I babysat,did the school run,lent money,was the friend who was there at 2am,hosted playdates etc

It got to my youngest dc's birthday party and they just didn't show up,even though earler that day id seen them and they both said they where just going home to pick up the card and presents

And then the hate campaign started

The rumours that started up had to be heard to be believed

They didn't even stop when I had a nervous breakdown

A long story short,I ended up moving away and my ds was accused of domestic violence (which was proved to be another hate campaign from the then girlfriends mother) and he wrote something about it on fb

I answered with 'ah yes,the great kangaroo court-what someone makes up is taken as gospel and is repeated until its truth,even though its bullshit'

Woman one (the queen bee) wrote a crappy,very vague 'sorry' message,left it there for an hour or two to gather the 'likes' and the deleted it

I didn't bother to reply-didnt seem much point

Woman two is still spreading the lies (over 10 years on) but I just ignore her

I will never know what the problem was and why they couldn't just speak to me about it