Why are some parents this irresponsible!!

[butterflywingss]

A neighbour asked me to look after her DC to attend a festive event (apparently child free) on a weekend. I said I have family and plans but my DM felt sorry for her and said I should just look after her. Fast forward, I have asked when she plans to come home so I can send her back for sleep etc. she's messaged to say very late and that she may be drunk if DC can sleep over. I messaged to say that I am not feeling well (which I am not, currently pregnant and not feeling good) and if she can arrange to come and collect her DC. She has an older DC who I imagine is sick of playing parent and is refusing to take her. I don't like to shame anyone but to think your priority is to party THE WHOLE DAY and leave your DC in the hands of a neighbour who is helping out of kindness is crazy to me.

I am not a confrontational person, how can I politely put her straight?

Have they been collected?

I agree

I've not had a neighbour look after my DCs but whenever my SIL was, even with it being overnight, I would have a glass of wine or two but would never be drunk or incapable of attending should SIL call and say something has happened.

If this is not the first time, and as you say the older DC is sick of parenting and refusing to come as a result, this is a massive series of red flags regards her suitability to parent, her general conduct, and her total lack of respect for her DCs and you.

I would do as others have said and allow the child to stay for their safety. However, I would be placing a concern for welfare with SS on Monday morning, and explain this is the final straw as she has now effectively abandoned her child and thus her responsibility to them.

Single mum or not, you must think of those DCs. Clearly something is happening which should not be and both these children need support.

As for your DM, you do need to toughen up, do not be a doormat for anyone. It was nothing to do with your DM and I would tell her that.

I had her in PJ's ready for bed when her mum came to collect. My DH said she had a cup of I think apple juice and seemed quite stumbled. However, she has her oldest at home who usually takes good care of the younger DC so I wasn't too worried as she would have just gone to bed.

I very much agree.. I know as parents sometimes we need to let some steam off but unfortunately with small children you need to be prepared for everything and anything. Mine and DH's concern with this DM is that she doesn't seem to have an issue with who her child is with. As an example, I had people over for most of the day (as per my original plans) and she doesn't know them, but she's willing to let her child sit amongst adults who for all she knows could be bad people (they're not) but just making a point. There have been times when it's just been my DH at home and she's asked to leave her DC at my house with me not even being there. Of course my DH feels really uncomfortable for obvious reasons given he's a man and she's a little girl and again she doesn't know him personally. We're not bad people but my point stands that so many bad things happen to children because of parents'negligence and she shows signs of it. Even after I told her I was unwell, she still decided to finish off her day as she planned and put herself first as always. We can sense there is some hostility between DM and oldest and tbh I can see why.

I think you should give a call to the school the older child attends.

Ask to speak to the school safeguarding lead. Tell them what you know of this child being left alone.

If you call the school, tell them the older child also takes care of the younger one when the mum is drunk.

Both of these children are seriously at risk.

I’d actually report this woman- letting her child sleep at a near strangers house- wtf!!!

The older child is over 20.

Didn’t rtft before now, op I don’t know to be honest, we do all need to let off steam as you say, and she may have read differently into your offer. I think you are both just very different, I don’t know that it’s a social services issue, it might be, but maybe she trusts you and your dh?

Where did her pjs come from if you didn’t think she was staying over?

OnlyFoolsnMothers
I might have read this wrong but did she not mean among her and her dh? If they’re neighbours they’re not strangers

DM felt sorry for her

I would ignore your mum in future on some matters. Perhaps she can offer herself out as a free babysitter to all and sundry if she wants to instead.

The world is made up of givers and takers op and it’s obvious you’re very kind and a natural giver.

Which is why it’s extremely important for you to have boundaries because takers have none.

They push and push, wear you out and spoil your lovely kind hearted nature for everyone who actually deserves, and will pass on, a good deed.

I’m guessing your dm has porous boundaries too - that could be because she’s a giver, and over extends to offering your services too (not ok), or because she’s a taker herself.

It’s very hard to learn to hold your boundaries, especially with someone close undermining you like your dm dud here - you were right in the beginning. Please work on it, because the world needs lovely thoughtful people!

Good post @Theothername

Why does your mother make decisions for you? And why did you go along with it? Why didn't your mother volunteer herself if she felt so strongly (bet there's a reason!)?

Learn to say 'no'. Doormats get trodden on.

I know my neighbours, I wouldn’t have my children sleep at their house. A neighbour who became a good friend maybe different but you can see how the OP has written her opening and comments they are mere neighbours.

Ask dm to take her.

Some people will take the piss, that's just life. Your mistake is you made it your problem. If you wanted to babysit her from the goodness of your heart then you should have kept her with you overnight to ensure her safety. You would be perfectly reasonable to say no, which is what you should have done. Taking the child and then complaining and being judgemental about it makes you unreasonable. Common sense tells you that if she's going out drinking, you're going to have her child longer than stipulated. If you're going to take the child when you were so strongly against it and then complain, then that's on you and you're a pushover.

This is very spot on & I agree I definitely need to be more strong on my boundaries..

Couple of weeks till the next Bank Holiday ......don;t be volunteering or have yourself volunteered to look after her DC

Ha gotcha

Get your DM straightened out ..she doesn't volunteer your service's again and it's not up for discussion.