If you're a fairly quiet person, do you feel unsettled when caught 'unawares'?

[Winterysun]

I don't mean doing something you shouldn't be! 😀

It's more these types of examples, which have happened to me recently -

Browsing card rack in supermarket, needing a couple of birthday cards. Suddenly I felt a tap on the shoulder and it was a neighbour standing there. She launched straight in, 'OMG I was waving at you from over there, you look SO confused picking your cards'! I wasn't confused at all, maybe lost in my own thoughts but why feel the need to comment?!

Enjoying a coffee in the sunshine, while waiting for ds's train to come in. Suddenly a colleague appeared - 'Oh wow lucky you having time for coffee, I haven't stopped today! How are things?' I said Hi and chatted, but it was the only peaceful moment of that day and she cut right into it!

Watering our patio plants and heard 'COO-EE' and it was our neighbour popping his head over the fence. 'I was hoping to catch you, we're going away for a week etc etc'! I almost dropped the watering can! Unless urgent, I wouldn't shout across, I'd see they were in and knock on the door! (Just like, if I see a friend in town and she looks in a world of her own I don't approach and interrupt)!

If I'm meeting up with people/going to work/in local pub etc I'm naturally 'on', but it's when I'm not prepared for that sudden interaction I'm thrown, I suppose! Anybody else?

I think you need to toughen up, or never venture outside the house, if these things discombobulate you enough to post about.

Be more assertive about not wanting to chat if it doesn’t work for you. Does it really matter if a neighbour thought you looked ‘confused’ while shopping, or a colleague thinks you have endless time for solo coffees? And most Mners would rather be boiled alive than have an unexpected knock at the door, so the neighbour was probably trying to be thoughtful in calling you when you were in the garden.

I have learnt polite ways to say fuck off.

I'm really sorry but I'm very busy right now, can we meet up for coffee sometime, must go, sorry.

I'm similar although maybe not quite as bad, e.g. The neighbour one wouldn't have bothered me that much, I'd rather they chat over the fence than knock on my door.

It's not that I care about 'looking confused' or whatever but I just hate being caught unawares generally. Maybe it's an introvert thing.

This is just normal real world interaction isn’t it? 🤷🏻‍♀️ I think either become a hermit or accept that this will happen from time to time. It’s a luxury to think people need an appointment to say hello to you.

I don't think this is all about toughening up and being more assertive. Quiet people operate differently. I'm very inside my head when on my own and someone jumping in to that space can be startling and so, so unwelcome. One can't always close it down or walk away.

at least you are not being ignored

All the time.

I'm an extremely introverted person and very very happy in my own thoughts and company. I'm usually on a long and winding train of thought when out alone, if someone interrupts that flow I feel like it throws me right off kilter. My husband knows when the vacant look has set in to leave me alone. My mind is in Do Not Disturb mode 😂 I just wish other humans could recognise it!

This is why I now wear massive over ear noise cancelling headphones. They're the most polite way I can think of expressing "please fuck off, I don't want to talk to anyone today".

Sometimes wish it was socially acceptable for humans to wear stuff like this:

Then you need to find ways of dealing with the kind of very ordinary encounter the OP describes, if you can’t live on an otherwise uninhabited island.

I’m like that. It’s autism.

The way of dealing with it is to take a few minutes to readjust after they've gone. We do deal with it, but we can't stop it being a strain.

I don't see why it's considered normal interaction to comment negatively on someone's appearance, or to tell them how lucky they are, either. Both sound like: "I'm talking to you but I'm thinking about myself."

You presume I'd advocating for living on an uninhabited island. I have excellent coping skills, I'm just sympathising withthe OP that this is still unwanted.

I'm not presuming any such thing. I’m saying that the OP cannot prevent this kind of deeply ordinary encounter unless she lives somewhere where there are no other people, so, if this isn’t possible, she needs to find a way of managing her response to them.

Agree. People. Pah, they are SO annoying.

Yep, me too. I'd hate all the examples you describe OP. I have to mentally rehearse interactions due to my autism, so unexpected ones are tough.

I would suggest it’s just being an introvert. I am exactly the same as OP - can rev myself up for expected interactions (work, coffee date etc) but properly resent impromptu expectations to engage!

That’s not introversion, that’s either misanthropy or having poor social skills.

I can see some of you feel the same! For context I suppose I'm an 'extroverted introvert', if that's a thing!

I often initiate meet-ups, I like visiting busy places and dh & I rarely have a weekend where we're not seeing people or doing something.

I suppose they're all times when interaction is expected though, rather than sprung on me when I'm least expecting it!

For instance at the dog park yesterday, an ex-neighbour appeared with hers. We ended up having a lovely catch-up while the dogs played, it was nice to see her again. Maybe in that kind of interaction I'm already 'on', if you see what I mean, so no adjusting is needed?

I must be a lot more sociable than I thought because I don't mind people coming up and talking to me out of nowhere (mostly; there is one person who I absolutely can't stand but I generally just tell him I'm busy and cut the conversation as sort as I can) and can do small talk until the cows come home. I still consider myself an introvert though.

I'm exactly the same. I feel really disorientated after the encounter. I also will get annoyed at myself for something I said or how I dealt with it because I like to be more prepared for a conversation and I never deal with things how I would have liked if caught unawares

Ooh, do you mean like by discussing it with people who feel similarly? Maybe on an online forum?

That is a good example of introversion, I'd say. And telling someone bluntly (with no reasoning) they're wrong seems very much like poor social skills itself!

It’s everyday life when you have neighbours and friends surely?

I think it would be an awful lot worse if people didn’t interact with you. While I accept that is not what you said you want either, you cannot have interactions only on your terms.

All the examples you describe sound like pretty normal day-to-day interactions but I do think that sometimes it can be hard to go from being "in your head" to "unexpected conversation with a near-stranger".

No, I just get tired of people throwing around the term ‘introversion’ without the remotest idea of what it actually means.

I don’t think these are normal interactions. The card scenario and colleague scenario were both negative/passive aggressive comments. It’s not ok to go up to someone and tell them they look confused about buying cards -it’s bloody rude!