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Original poster

Dad won't go to hospital

36 replies

Patienceisntvirtuous · 10/05/2024 14:43

My Mum and Dad are married but my Mum is currently on holiday a 10 hour flight away.

She's got in touch with me today to say that my Dad has lost sight in one eye, four days ago and has only told her yesterday. She's cutting her trip short, coming back today.

On her advice he went to the opticians and they're made a hospital referral-they told him he might've had a stroke.

He hasn't heard from the hospital yet.
I told my Mum today to get him to get a taxi to the nearest hospital, he needs to get it looked at.
He won't go. He won't ring 111 either.

I am working until 20:00 today but I am sure if I needed to my manager would let me take time off to get to the hospital but my Mum says my Dad won't want me to know, he's told her not to tell anybody!

His friend has been round to see him, I said can friend not drive him to hospital? Can he not call an ambulance? No, he won't accept a lift and won't want an ambulance.

For context me and my Dad have never got on well and currently haven't spoken for a couple of months. It's his 70th next week too-I'd planned to bake a cake and take a card/present round-I'd offered to take him out for a meal/drinks but he'd declined. He definitely wouldn't want me taking him to hospital. He's also said he doesn't want to wait in A&E-I find this so bizarre! It's not as if he's broken a nail ffs.

No other family around-I'm his only child and my half-sibling is away with Mum.

Nothing I can do I suppose but... I guess I just wanted to see if anyone knew what this might be, any advice at all?Thank you!

OP posts:
Therageisreal · 10/05/2024 14:44

If it was me I would go and tell him to get in car and take him to A and E.

giveitago82 · 10/05/2024 14:53

by the sounds of it even if you went around, he would refuse to go and would end up in an argument if you don’t usually get on and he wouldn’t want you to know

so no point leaving work early as won’t achieve anything other than stress him out and with an argument

he just has to wait to his wife to return

Original poster
Patienceisntvirtuous · 10/05/2024 14:55

He'd definitely not go with me, I know that and yes would be very annoyed that my Mum's told me, too. Sad much as he's not someone I am close to, I do want him to get help and I feel a bit shocked that this has happened.

OP posts:
giveitago82 · 10/05/2024 14:56

ok you’ve answered your own question

stressing him out will worsen the situation

BirthdayRainbow · 10/05/2024 14:57

I'd text him. Hi dad, please go to hospital. Don't be mad at mum telling me. She's worried and so am I. Please get the help you need.

Then if no, please dad. You're not being fair to mum as she will have to care for you. You have a responsibility as a husband, please go now.

I have no problem guilt tripping someone who needs care and is being stubborn. I'd acknowledge if they are scared but they need to go.

IncompleteSenten · 10/05/2024 14:57

Are you sure it's happened and it's not something he's told your mum to manipulate her into coming home where he will then say oh will you look at this, it's all better. How very odd.
And that's why he won't go to the hospital.

Therageisreal · 10/05/2024 14:57

Patienceisntvirtuous · 10/05/2024 14:55

He'd definitely not go with me, I know that and yes would be very annoyed that my Mum's told me, too. Sad much as he's not someone I am close to, I do want him to get help and I feel a bit shocked that this has happened.

What would happen if you went round and called an ambulance. Would he listen to the paramedics?

Original poster
Patienceisntvirtuous · 10/05/2024 14:59

That's a good idea @Therageisreal although I imagine he'd be livid if I did it. Would look better if my Mum did it but I am not sure she even can from the country she's in.

OP posts:
Wishimaywishimight · 10/05/2024 14:59

Honestly, he's a grown man and if he's silly enough to let his health suffer by refusing to go to hospital then I would run a little short of patience.

It's your poor mum I really feel sorry for - having to travel 10 hours across the globe to try and force her husband to get himself seen to.

Original poster
Patienceisntvirtuous · 10/05/2024 15:03

@IncompleteSenten I don't think he'd do that. Although he is always rather mopey when my Mum goes away (which she does twice a year).

OP posts:
NowyouhaveDunnett · 10/05/2024 15:05

The optician should have given him a letter to get straight in at opthalmology. He may need laser treatment on the eye.

If he does nothing it's likely that he won't get the sight back.

He also needs his risk of further stroke assessing. Next time the clot could go to brain/heart/lungs and he could die.

Katherineryan1986 · 10/05/2024 15:06

You should go and just make him go to the hospital with you.

My mum had a stroke 6 years ago and it has changed her from a very active 78 yr old, dancing, cycling, walking etc, to disabled in a wheelchair, partially paralysed and worst of all, non-verbal.

Take him even if he protests.

Therageisreal · 10/05/2024 15:07

Patienceisntvirtuous · 10/05/2024 14:59

That's a good idea @Therageisreal although I imagine he'd be livid if I did it. Would look better if my Mum did it but I am not sure she even can from the country she's in.

I’ve had to do this before. Don’t tell them he is refusing care.

Princesspollyyy · 10/05/2024 15:08

Lots of people saying to 'make him go to the hospital with you' ... er.... and how do you propose she does that?

You can't force anyone to go to hospital. Even the paramedics can't.

PeppermintParty · 10/05/2024 15:09

A stroke is not the only possibility. It could be optic neuritis. (Still needs to see a specialist at the hospital to diagnose).

circumventM · 10/05/2024 15:18

Katherineryan1986 · 10/05/2024 15:06

You should go and just make him go to the hospital with you.

My mum had a stroke 6 years ago and it has changed her from a very active 78 yr old, dancing, cycling, walking etc, to disabled in a wheelchair, partially paralysed and worst of all, non-verbal.

Take him even if he protests.

Edited

this is ridiculous advice and completely unrealistic

circumventM · 10/05/2024 15:18

Princesspollyyy · 10/05/2024 15:08

Lots of people saying to 'make him go to the hospital with you' ... er.... and how do you propose she does that?

You can't force anyone to go to hospital. Even the paramedics can't.

ridiculous isn’t it

VenusClapTrap · 10/05/2024 15:22

I have nothing to suggest, just lots of sympathy. My Dad is exactly the same. It’s enormously frustrating.

BeansOnToast32 · 10/05/2024 16:00

When my relative lost their sight in one eye it was caused by a detached retina which needs repairing asap to have any chance of salvaging the sight.

Hope your dad sees sense soon and goes to the hospital. Flowers

FreshsatsumaforDd · 10/05/2024 16:02

Detached retina strong possibility…should urgently seek advice as can be reattached sometimes.

Womblingmerrily · 10/05/2024 16:06

You might not like to hear this but this is none of your business.

He clearly has capacity to make decisions and he has made one.

It may seem to be an unwise decision, but that is his choice - and he will be the person who will have to live with the outcome.

People saying to force an adult into a car - do you not believe in consent or do you think that when people get old you are allowed to treat them like toddlers?

CalMeKate · 10/05/2024 16:06

He is an adult. He is allowed to make decisions that are stupid.

Original poster
Patienceisntvirtuous · 10/05/2024 16:29

I am so sorry to hear that @Katherineryan1986

thank you for the last two messages-I do know that, I am just in a bit of shock at what's happened I think and yes, unfortunately it just seems so fecking stupid. I can't imagine losing sight in one eye and just sitting there terrified I might die and not doing anything about it (my Mum has said that's what he's said)!

OP posts:
Original poster
Patienceisntvirtuous · 10/05/2024 16:30

And yes he's 70, overweight but generally very well, active and goes out a lot, has a good life. He's not that old. I don't think of him as elderly.

OP posts:
Timeforachocolate · 10/05/2024 16:34

If he does not like the idea of a hospital trip, he is certainly not going to like the lack of independence he will have if lost his sight.
unfortunately, as my elderly relatives showed, they don’t think of the consequences, until it is too late and that invariably causes massive inconveniences for others. Is he using this to ensure your Mum does not have nice trips abroad going ahead?